you can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare

Mili replied to my last night's ever so depressing text:

'i think one day he'll wake up and realize that he was stupid enough for playing the game and didn't give you the chance you deserve. you're wonderful in every way and you don't need him to help you see that. you'll get what you want just the way you want it, all you need to do is believe in yourself. ;)'

aauuww...mesti kamu semua cemburu i got a sweet sister macam ini. i'm so happy today despite the rain and missing breakfast session with Ledisordre (i'm really sorry!). i mean, i can't help it, the sky's a nice shade of blue and Beyonce's videoclip for Sweet Dreams is stunning.

eh. tapi part 'wonderful in every way' hanya rekaan semata-mata (memang ayat kiss-ass pun).

But you'd better watch your step, girl

lebih kurang dua minggu lepas, Vans muncul. malam yang aku beritahu Mili, "aku taktau kenapa, tapi aku macam ada satu rasa yang Vans's gonna be here tonight." about an hour after i told her that, he texted me up. apparently, he was in the area that night and saw my sister at another place nearby. instincts, they're freaky. especially yang kau rasa macam ada connection kuat dengan kau. anyway, so i told myself that the feeling's not there anymore. he's just gonna text me up and then will be gone the next day. he said he texted me up pasal dia rasa guilty for not keeping in touch for the past few months. the time when i realized i was too naive for my age. aku rasa kita memang perlu ada classes yang mengajar perkara-perkara sosial sebegini. untuk orang-orang macam aku yang sebenarnya tahu that the thing's wrong tapi saja mahu try test.

jadi Sabtu malam aku main lagi sofa pusingnya. it's addictive, i tell you. the best sofa, so far. we talked and teased like nothing went wrong before. dan waktu dia cerita tentang his dream job, aku hanya perhatikan riak mukanya dalam gelap. bila sampai part yang dia mahu ke States to further his studies, ada satu macam force kecil dalam hati aku yang meronta. why does everyone that i like have to leave the country? i should be the one leaving the country with all these personal commotions. how unfair. tapi belum pasti lagi if he's gonna leave or not. but i was very fascinated by his big dreams. ada satu part macam aku mahu look up to him like an elder brother. ada satu part he's just so hot.

ya. i'm falling for him all over again bilamasa aku tahu he's something like fire. his friend's words kept repeating in my head, "he breaks girls' hearts la."

aku benci angau. can't wait for it to be gone!

white light will bathe your pillow

last weekend, ada dua deaths. Yasmin Ahmad dan ayah Anne. ucapan takziah kepada mereka yang berkenaan. may their souls rest in peace. Anne nampak tenang. on the way back to her house selepas pengkebumian, she said something about malam Isra' dan Mi'raj akan ada 50 orang yang meninggal dan orang-orang itu adalah antara yang baik-baik (please correct me here if i'm wrong). jadi aku rasa Anne redha dengan pemergian ayahnya. he passed away on Sunday morning, masa yang senang untuk diuruskan.

perkara-perkara macam ini akan buat aku fikir apa yang akan jadi when it happens to me nanti. will i take it easily atau aku akan terlalu murung kerana kehilangan? aku tidak begitu pasti pasal aku mengaku iman aku tidak sekuat Anne's. tapi aku mahu jadi orang yang mandikan Emak bila dia pergi nanti. kalau tidak aku akan rasa bersalah seumur hidup. dan regret dalam hal ini bukan perkara yang remeh.

if you don't mind, it doesn't matter

pergi Seremban, aku dapat tiga pasang kasut pre-loved. hi-cut boots, Oxford heels, Oxford men. black, black, black. baru saja beberapa minggu lepas ada orang tanya aku suka beli apa dan aku jawab aku ikut mood, it's been a while too since i've bought shoes. 3 pasang kasut dari bundle dan satu sandal dari Carrefour = balas dendam. tapi kau jangan risau, aku cheapskate jadi berapa sangatlah yang aku spent over the weekend. petang Ahad i found out about the fashion market di tengah busy area tapi nasib baik aku seorang pemalas jadi aku pergi ke rumah Abah. harapan untuk ambil basikal BMX along rupanya sudah dihantar ke kampung. jadi sambil chomp, chomp ayam Mexico, Mili menjahit mata lalat disebelah with Abah constantly hisap paipnya, kami berborak tentang world history. i've always been fascinated by history. di sekolah aku macam 50-50 lah suka sejarah tapi waktu kolej, walaupun repeat kelas art history, in the end aku sangat suka. paling suka kalau ada soalan suruh define the paintings. i was able to remember the year of the paintings were made tapi sekarang jangan cuba-cuba tanya aku. google kan ada.

kemudian dari world history masuk topik tentang orang Inggeris dan culture mereka. the Americans dengan denims dan T-shirts-nya. and then Abah cerita pasal his nurse yang berkahwin dengan matsalleh dari U.K. yang rupanya macam sangat tua, tapi umurnya tidaklah sangat. dia kata it's normal anyway for them to look so mature (boleh refer pada Britnay Spears di tempat kerja aku, she's only 22 and yet umur dia nampak macam jauh sangat dari aku). "i think it's your mindset lah, that makes you look youthful or otherwise." and Abah agreed. Mili memang panas lah pasal selalunya people will either think we're twins or she's the elder sister.

jadi pagi tadi aku decide, kalau ada orang tanya umur aku berapa, i'll just say, "guess. whatever number that comes up in your head, will be my current age."



Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. - Mark Twain

loneliness is the human condition, no one else can fill that space

"don't cry. we're not like that. we're the Vikings, remember?"
- White Oleander.

siri trackback: 08 - hubungan anti-clockwise

'kita cakap hai.
kita gelak berdekah-dekah.

baru pegang tangan.
baru kucup sayang.

but not the other way round.
no. aku berdegil untuk tidak mempunyai hubungan sekadar teman sahaja.
it’s either we’re sleeping together, or nothing at all.'

04/06/07 taken from the original wishful thinkings. wasted thoughts.

siri trackback: 07 - same feelings

'Duduk bergoyang kaki
menarik nafas yang dalam
jejari tangan bermain butiran
pasir di atas bangku simen
mengeluh panjang
i’m thinking again
of the quote
opposites attracts

Lama, kan?
aku, kamu bersabar
kerenah yang agak meluat
maybe we believe
in something invisibl-y strong
mungkin kamu lebih percaya
bersungguh-sungguh menahan

Aku suka
bila tanganku dalam tangan kamu
bila kamu memetik butang
menangkap aksi spontan
bila kamu cuba buat aku suka
kejutan yang tidak menjadi
manis bagai rasa sampoerna di bibir

Tapi adakala terasa melecur
mengadu kesakitan
menangis teresak mahukan pujukan
kepulangan karma memberi keputusan
1 - sama
ignorance is bliss
i was bliss
and ego have got to be my middle name

Kamu bertandang lagi
mengusap lembut
bisikkan kata-kata manis
sayang di dahi bagi aku
sangat tersirat
kamu usaha
buat aku percaya
i did miss you
you weren’t sure

//

With your hands around me
insecurity no longer exists
baby, hold me tight
like those promises you once said
no, i didn’t forget
it was you who did
still it’s not promises that i wanted
just the normal things you said
nothing specially bizarre
maybe normal is okay
not typical, just normal'

15/06/06 taken from the original wishful thinkings. wasted thoughts.

siri trackback: 06 - sweet nothing

Date: 24th June ‘06
Time: 11.05 am
Venue: Somewhere spacious

"Still lying.staring at the ceiling.the rotating fan.turned my head right.sleeping soundly.quietly.closed my eyes again.a flash of last night’s dream.another repeat."

Date: 24th June ‘06
Time: 1 pm
Venue: Somewhere spacious

"Need to wake up.to something.but not too sure to what.headed to the living room.turn on the TV.flashbacks of 13 years ago.leaned on his chest.cuddled in his arms.feeling good."

Date: 24th June ‘06
Time: 3.25 pm
Venue: Somewhere spacious

"Getting ready to go out.to meet him.accompany him.maybe eat.ice cream would kill this mysterious cravings."

Date: 24th June ‘06
Time: 7.15 pm
Venue: Somewhere spacious

"Aahh! Pepperoni! Seafood! nyamnyam.chewing teasingly with him.enjoying every bite.each minute.This is dinner,baby.u said u wanna go for a diet,remember?"

Date: 24th June ‘06
Time: 11.55 pm
Venue: Somewhere spacious

"Baby,i love just hanging around with u.doing absolutely nothing.talking nonsense.taking candids.i’d like to do this every weekend.please."

26/06/06 taken from the original wishful thinkings. wasted thoughts.

siri trackback: 05 - someone you should know about

'This is a blog about someone. Someone who is such a believer himself, dat sometimes believes something beyond expectations. Though sometimes it makes people mad, especially myself, you can’t help looking up to him. I know how people around have started to get annoyed. And you think it’s easy for me? Now i understand wat my friends felt in their past relationship. But still i can’t understand those who still stay despite the domestic abuse. I know. It seems that all my blogs are about this 1 person. Well, this is my blog and i’ll do watever i want with it. haha! yes.please be annoyed with me too.
Well anyway, this someone, that i was telling u about turns out to be a really important person. I wasn’t as dependent now as i was before i met him. Though there were some unlogical stuff happening around this particular duration of ________ship, i dun think i can lose this someone. it’ll be a big lost if i’m not capable of wrapping him around my fingers. Though i’m not really into diamonds, but i think he is 1 to me. Yeah. it sucks when ppl hate the things that u really love. but i guess it make u think. it made me think of the sweetest things he’s done for me.

//this someone is someone you hate. but this someone is my precious thing.'

12/08/06 taken from the original wishful thinkings. wasted thoughts.

siri trackback: 04 - permintaan

'permintaan kali ini
sangat minor
aku hanya ingin satu
peluang mendalami
menyelami kisah hidup kamu
kerana aku mahu menganalisis
untuk dijadikan pedoman
mungkin teladan

usah kamu kedekut
usah risau akan kehilangan
aku tidak akan cuba merampas
hanya mahu secubit
akan pengalaman kamu
kamu tertanya-tanya mengapa?

*shrugs

aku sendiri tidak ada
cara untuk mengekspresikan
kamu bagaikan satu arca
arca yang punya pelbagai makna
dan aku si pemerhati
yang kagum mengkritik
satu seni yang halus
yang satu dalam seribu

tapi jangan kamu terlalu riak
mungkin esok hari
akan ada yang kedua
yang akan buatmu tenggelam
terus dilupakan

buat masa ini
kamu masih yang satu
dalam seribu'

18/08/06 taken from the original wishful thinkings. wasted thoughts.

siri trackback: 03 - come back to bed.

'it was late night. dua tahun yg lepas. when we were 20.
it was a mistake for us to choose 14 february 2004 as the special date.
tarikh yg akan mengingatkan segala suka-duka yg pernah kita alami.
tarikh keramat dimana pd setiap tahun akan disambut dengan warna merah jambu.

kamu kata aku yg bersalah. sedih mengetahui itu.
kamu kata kamu penat. menunggu aku yg seakan-akan tidak berubah.
kamu silap. kamu juga ada salahnya.
kamu tidak memberi ruang untuk aku menerima.
kamu bertubi-tubi memberi.
aku tak cukup tangan. harus aku katakan, kamu gelojoh.
habis membazir.
aku sentiasa memberi kamu peluang. pertama,kedua,ketiga…
sampai saat ini.

kamu?
aku langsung tidak diberi peluang.

i said i’m slowly moving on.
hanya jasad. rohani aku masih disini.
menunggu kamu pulang.
come back to bed.
please.

setiap kali aku terjaga dari tidur, sebak datang menghinggap.
kamu aku nampak.
sudah puas aku menangis.
tapi aku masih mampu menangis lagi.
dan lagi. kerana kamu.
kamu yg terlalu ego untuk mengakui kesalahan sendiri.
betapa kasar aku, tetap masih merindui kamu.
pelik. sedang aku tahu kamu seorang pendera.
sakit.


tapi masih aku menunggu kepulangan kamu.
come back to bed. please.'

10/10/06 taken from the original wishful thinkings. wasted thoughts.

siri trackback: 02 - wishing you well enough.

'isnin lepas, aku menyaksikan mak berlepas pergi menunaikan haji. seorang. tanpa ditemani sesiapa. sayu. risau aku. tapi mak tahu. kami di sini akan sentiasa mendoakan keselamatannya di Tanah Suci.

at times,i thought to myself: whatever is lingering inside this single mother’s mind. always i ponder about her loneliness. whether i can cope with whatever her situation is right now. sometimes when she sleeps & i looked at her, i can’t help thinking of the things she’s dreaming about.
many times have i tried to be a good daughter. the kind that i, myself would want someday in the future. but it’s hard having my own mind. at this age.

she’ll be there for 45 days.

for the first time, i’m typing down the story of my family. how i had always denied that ours, is a broken one.to me,a broken family is like, everyone in the family’s really whacked: each having their own way of life. yes. i have to admit it that i came from a broken family.but not as broken as u think. we survived living our lives through the right lane. we don’t use our family problems as a lame excuse for some dumb actions.whatever happens today,is what we thought about yesterday.

Tuhan bagi akal untuk digunakan sebaik-baiknya.

tapi manusia bernafsu. dan kadang-kadang, nafsu mengatasi pemikiran yang waras.langsung kesan dilupakan. kesan yang kemudiannya membuatkan diri sendiri kesal.

i dunno if my parents regretted of what had happened to them. neither one of us had ever popped the question. afraid of what will be said. come to think about it, to solve this mystery that has been going on for years, this cold war is just simple: talk.

as i grow up, i can see both of my parents in me.mana nak tumpah lauk kalau tak ke nasi. i keep things to myself. not sure whether it’s because afraid of what the other party have to say or maybe i just don’t want to make a big deal out of it. i stop myself from being too overwhelmed by attentions. i only say things when it’s necessary. well, not all the time.

i’m afraid that i’ll grow old alone.

to my parents, i wish them enough.enough of everything they ever need.
maybe for the courage to face things.

being a daughter,i have never stop loving them.'

29/11/06 taken from the original wishful thinkings. wasted thoughts.

siri trackback: 01 - menanti disimbah sebesen air untuk kepentingan diri sendiri.

aku mahu delete salah satu akaun social site. jadi, aku akan post some previous entries di sini. excuse the spelling, please. owh. and the grammar too.

"The story of life is quicker than the blink of an eye, the story of love is hello, goodbye." - Hendrix

'kebelakangan, aku selalu runsing. kadang-kadang lupe, sama ada remeh ataupon tidak. berfikir bende-bende yang tak berfaedah. tentang hati, tentang teman, tentang tanggungjawab, tentang actions yang perlu dilakukan supaya dapat diterima masyarakat. sesungguhnye, confidence level aku bukan lah tinggi menara gading. mahupon bangunan maybank di bulatan kotaraya. rendah serendah-rendah barisan kedai lapok dekat central market tu.

konfius. kaget. hilang.

yang lepas tidak harus lagi menghantui, bukan? harus dilenyapkan saje dari medulla oblangata ni. aku rimas dgn pemikiran yang tercemar buat aku kadang-kadang terjaga lewat malam /awal pagi buat aku tak keruan. aku dah lupe caranya utk menjadi seorang kekasih. yang paling bahaya, aku sudah lupe care utk menjadi seorang sahabat yg akan disayangi sehingga bile-bile mase pon. aku bukan lagi mempunyai bahu favourite utk teman-teman yg mencari. dan dalam senyap, aku memohon maaf. sesungguhnya, aku sendiri kehilangan bahu favourite aku.

kesilapan mengajar kita utk lebih berhati-hati di masa depan. kamu tidak harus menyalahkan aku sebulat-bulat bola ping pong yg ditepis-tepis. that’s life, right? we learn from our mistakes. aku terlalu banyak kesalahan. dan dalam diam juga, aku percaya akan karma. aku telah menerima balasan. malah, aku di sepak teruk di kepala. membuatkan rohaniku agak songsang buat mase ni. paranoid. that’s the best word to describe myself.

maaf. kejadian yg lepas buat aku lebih membenci. pemikiranku terlalu shallow. kadang-kadang bile tersedar, aku tanye akan diriku sendiri, what happened to u? kelmarin, kerap ungkapan ‘happy go lucky’ diucapkan kepadaku. dan aku bulat-bulat menelan pujian enak itu.

hari ini, mereka lebih berhati-hati dgn perkataan, takut aku terlalu sensitif lalu terguris.

aku perlukan ruby slippers dorothy. i need to go back to yesterday when i was still sane.'

23/05/07 from the original wishful thinkings. wasted thoughts.

i hate this part right here

musim delete/private blog sudah sampai ke?

mesti takut stalker macam aku ikut blog mereka...heh heh heh...

ordinary people

ini adalah path yang aku telah pilih. kalau aku masih berada di path yang sebelumnya, aku dapat rasa yang aku akan still stay a hater. well, not that i've stopped being a hater, tapi at least hati aku sudah kurang satu gundah. sekarang slightly more carefree than before.

elle texted me a few weeks ago, her first week at work:
apa yang buat hidup kita bererti? career? to survive your job? relationship? having the time of your life? routine?

i couldn't really answer her question because it is obviously a subjective one. kau tidak boleh ikut erti hidup orang lain pasal kau tidak hidup cara dia. kau hidup cara kau, senang dengan cara kau sendiri. well, aku fikir, manusia memang tidak akan pernah puas dengan apa yang mereka ada. diberi betis, mahu peha. kita berlumba-lumba to get more. dan bila kau mula mahu settle down, kawan-kawan kau cakap, "seriously, you deserve better", how sure are they? what if apa yang kau ada sekarang adalah apa yang kau deserve? okay, so my job's not the coolest thing but i still can afford a car, a nice place to stay, parties, good food, this and that.

jadi macam mana mahu tahu kau punya taraf 'better'?

the way she dances

can you actually like a person, like, really, really like a person (the type where you feel everything that person's feeling or you're happy when that person's happy too) by religiously reading their blogs? memang ada beberapa favourite bloggers yang aku macam virtually sayangi entah apa pasal, aku pun tidak pasti. kau ada rasa macam itu?

pernah satu kali aku terjumpa dengan blogger amoi and you know what i did? iyalah, seperti biasa, perkara yang memalukan (but i think it was a fortunate thing that she was kind of tipsy jadi i hope, hope, hope dia lupa that the thing actually happened). when she came to wait for the toilet, aku pun tidak pasti kenapa aku semacam bersemangat menegur, like really, really bersemangat, like practically shouting at her, "i'm your faaannn!!!" with this big goofy smile pasted on my face. i still remember the look on her face and Mili's too. the what-the-hell??? and omg-kakak-are you-crazy??? expression.

sometimes, i just love the idea of doing suicidal acts like that. konon macam free-spirited. yeah, my ass.

the other day i saw that kinky blue fairy and i nearly waved a big 'hi' at her because i really like reading her blog and i think she's a fun-sesukahati little creature. tapi aku terhenti pasal owh, sebenarnya aku hanya kenal dia through her blog posts. pathetic.

so, is that normal? to like someone so much just by reading their blogs?

oh my god. it's not normal, right? i just made myself sound like a total freaky stalker.

there are things you should know

so, are you totally in love with him

or you just love being around his friends?

are you really sure that you believe me when others say I lie

aku pernah post an entry somewhere on the internet lama dulu, masa first time aku heartbroken. belum big B.U. lagi pasal waktu itu aku masih percaya dengan hope. boleh tahan kuatlah aku serahkan pada hope dan faith.

it was about this 'what if' situation. what if, the person yang kau anggap memang jodoh kau, whether kilat menyabung ke, kemarau padang jarak padang terkukur ke, konon kau lah tulang rusuknya yang missing itu, tapi at the same time, di suatu tempat yang lain ada orang yang berpendapat sama dengan kau ke atas that person yang kau anggap jodoh kau itu. get it? kiranya jodoh kau itu ada dua orang yang sudah book. jadi kita serah pada fate atau kau mahu lawan sedaya-upaya to win the game (walaupun kau lihat so-called jodoh kau lebih kepada the other side)?

kalau aku, self-esteem aku macam lebih low dari low. yeah, you've guessed that right. i'll prolly let the other party menang tanpa bertanding. sumpah aku tidak tahu macam mana mahu fight.

i hear your name and i'm falling over

kau tahu, hobi aku currently adalah people watching dan unfortunately aku sudah jumpa that one person yang aku suka tengok. unfortunately pasal he's somebody's boyfriend. but there's no harm in just watching, right?

if ever the girlfriend finds out, would she take it as a compliment? like, wouldn't she be proud that people are checking out her boyfriend? last Saturday, i wanted to smile to her but she seemed too intelligent to be smiling at me. jadi dengan perasaan guilty suka tengok boyfriend-nya, aku kecutkan diri dan slipped away.

i did it all for the nookie

lewat malam Ahad, dari topik biasa-biasa, Elle, Yaya dan aku berborak ke topik yang jadi lebih serious. over the weekend, Yaya found out sifat aku ada sedikit-sebanyak sama dengan sifatnya. aku tengok Yaya macam baru jumpa kawan baru. i've always been amazed by her irresistable personality, a certain kind of charisma. aku suka dengan mereka yang banyak baca buku and then share it with you. topik yang dibincangkan malam itu adalah tentang orang-orang famous di kota durjana. not the celebrities but those yang ada character tersendiri, punya charisma yang buat head turns. macam that girl photographer yang menggunakan sumber teknologi sehabis-habisnya or that amoi yang aku rasa dalam kepalanya sentiasa ada neon wools weaving into something extraordinary. aku cemburu dengan mereka yang sentiasa ada neon wools weaving in their heads. did they take a whole bunch of raisins or caviar growing up instead of masak lemak cili api?

and then Yaya cakap all you have to do is be yourself. buat apa yang kau suka dan kau akan jadi original, bukan yang ciplak. and then i got thinking (instead of weaving) pasal apa yang Yaya cakap buat aku rasa pedas. aku rasa selama ini aku buat sesuatu perkara pasal aku mahu impress seseorang konon yang 'hey, aku boleh survive lah' walhal memang sangat ketara those things i did sebenarnya bukan diri aku sendiri. aku biarkan yang semalam take over hari ini. tidak beri peluang langsung untuk hari ini bloom into something new pasal disekat oleh aku sendiri. aku pun tidak pasti apa yang aku cuba prove.

i'm not attached so why do i subconciously let some unimportant beings control me?

cough coughing

jadi kau dapat tahu yang those people have been bitching about you. jadi selama ini betullah prasangka kau. jadi, sekarang kau mahu buat apa? you wanna cry? perkara celah gigi saja, people bitch about you pasal everybody bitch about everybody else. yang paling penting sekarang adalah mereka yang kenal kau luar-dalam pasal, to hell-lah pada mereka yang cuma tahu bad-side kau (sama ada cerita itu sahih atau tidak).

jadi bila kau dapat tahu ada orang cerita belakang kau, perkara yang kau perlu buat adalah reminisce waktu kau bitch pasal orang lain. makes you equal, kan?