lyrics salah satu lagu Alanis Morisette sedang repeating itself dalam kepala aku

3am tadi aku terjaga dari tidur pasal rasa macam kandungan angin dalam perut melebihi had. ke kiri, ke kanan aku pusing. i made a note of getting minyak angin later, after work.

and then a couple of text messages masuk. pandai mereka budget masa.

kau tahu, se-bestfriend mana kau dengan seseorang itu, atau bukan kawan, atau kawan hi-hi-bye-bye, kita ni semua macam pelan-pelan savings yang ditawarkan di bank. macam ASB or Amanah Saham Wawasan. no?

pasal everyone of us, every single one of us, semua ada benefits masing-masing dan perlukan a certain kind of benefit for a certain period of time. kau cakap kau ikhlas macam mana pun, mesti kau mahu juga the hidden benefits.

mentari merah di ufuk timur

aku rasa macam mahu menangis pasal i just got to know that N.E.R.D. sudah confirm-kan show mereka untuk Sunburst KL this coming 21st March.

aku pun tidak berapa pasti rasa mahu menangis pasal terlalu terharu atau the fact that i'll never get to see Pharrell up-close.

sebaknya.

anyone yang boleh tolong aku get up-close (tidak perlu personal sangat) dengan dia? even just for a second? please. i'll do ANYTHING.

aku patut jadi lelaki dan lupakan perkara remeh-temeh

aku baca latest post sarah. dan seperti biasa, aku terasa.

tapi, tell me, how the hell do i move on bila lelaki-lelaki yang i've set my eyes on are already taken? mahu bertunanglah, sudah bertunanglah, sudah berkahwinlah. ada seorang yang not yet taken (or maybe he's taken cuma dia sangat pandai keep things from me) aku tidak faham how his brain works so i can't read him which depresses me jadi i might as well give up on that.

ada seorang ex-schoolmate aku pernah cakap pada aku that she remembered this one time at class, i was doodling on the desk and came across somebody's doodle that read 'if u love somebody, just go for it!' and i told her that i should live by that. waktu kawan aku reminisced that memory, aku tergelak besar. i totally forgot about that doodle. but being at this age, that couldn't work. wouldn't work. waktu sekolah, bolehlah pakai tapi nowadays, mana boleh main-main. semua pun mahu komitmen, mahu kahwin. trend yang popular untuk ages 20-30. dan seperti biasa, aku tidak ikut trend sangat. macam fesyen juga, bila trend tights sudah lapuk, baru aku sibuk pakai. dan macam perasaan juga, tujuh bulan kemudian baru aku confront. kawan aku panggil aku celeron dan aku cakap, "what's that? sounds like sayur. celery."

okaylah. maybe i'm having one of those days where i feel needy and clingy and sangat-sangat whiny. aku rasa mungkin pasal one of my girlfriends, yang commited gila dengan relationship-nya, mungkin mahu bertunang. dan yang seorang lagi, yang kurang conservative sedang sibuk bercinta dengan Jetli. texting me lovey-dovey stuff yang sepatutnya dihantar to the guy she's currently dating.

*sigh

i'd like to feel that. pasal aku macam sudah lupalah perasaan in love macam mana.

kerana lelaki

last weekend ada colleague aku got married. i didn't go pasal aku ada alasan bernas iaitu menjadi driver ke Port Dickson for a family gathering. come monday, another colleague asked me why didn't i attend the wedding. dia cakap, "tak baik weih kau tak datang. wedding weih." and then yesterday afternoon, the big boss forwarded a link where he uploaded the pictures of the wedding. must've been very grand. mills told me the bride's cousins are all gorgeous and made her jealous. dan aku masih tidak tahu sama ada what she said was true or not pasal aku masih belum check out those photos. bukan busy or anything, just don't want to. something that i've been avoiding. updates yang tidak perlu aku ambil tahu.

you know, dahulu aku tidak pernah ada enemies or orang-orang yang aku perlu elak dari berjumpa. kes elak-mengelak hanya bermula when i got into relationships. elak ex-boyfriend. elak perempuan-perempuan yang suka pada ex-boyfriends.

di tempat kerja aku, ada satu kisah di mana si lelaki A terlalu sukakan perempuan B dan lelaki C cuba cucuk line untuk lelaki A. sekali silap cucuk, diri sendiri yang sangkut. apparently lelaki A dan lelaki C sangat rapat. but they're still friends till now. aku rasa, kalau perempuan, confirm sudah tidak bertegur. where am i going with this?

how come lelaki boleh get over it and be friends but not the girls?

perempuan jadi paranoid pun pasal lelaki, kan? sibuk mahu melaram pun pasal lelaki, kan?

but in the meantime lelaki ada yang tidak endah pun tentang sacrifices yang certain perempuan buat. i'm not trying to act feminist here tapi ada kebenaran bukan, on what i've just brought up here?

semuanya kerana lelaki. macam marah pun ada. but still, i'm not thinking of becoming a gay myself. rubber dick? euw.

karma-chameleon

sometimes, when your dearest is taken away from you, secara normalnya, kau akan rasa sedih. pasal kau ingat selama ini kau sudah beri dia perhatian sepenuhnya. macam menatang minyak yang penuh. tidak kira lah sama ada your dearest itu adalah organisma yang bernafas atau tidak. manusia atau objek. macam kereta.

dan waktu orang-orang terdekat dengan kau pats you on your shoulder, saying, "Tuhan lebih sayangkan dia," kau fikir saat yang mana satu yang kau tidak sedar, part yang kau tertumpahkan minyak yang kau sedang tatang itu.

dan kau kais-kais otak kau, bahagian ingatan, rewind semua scene, cari di mana silap kau sampai perkara yang malang macam itu boleh terjadi pada kau. walaupun semua yang terjadi itu ada hikmahnya, tapi masih ada kaitan juga dengan karma.

jadi kau fikir lagi karma yang mana satu yang sedang get back at you.

"He sleeps with his assistant, a carnivorous fish lodges itself in his penis, that's instant karma if I've ever seen it."

last night, i was finally done with Grey's Anatomy season III after sudah beberapa bulan aku berusaha to finish it up but something went wrong with my laptop's disc drive dan apparently aku adalah antara manusia termalas di muka bumi ini. so it was a blessing in disguise bila aku dapat laptop baru. yeah, i'm totally bragging about it. aku rasa, script writer Grey's Anatomy gempak gila babi. dan seperti perempuan-perempuan lain di luar sana, a few big parts of my life aku kaitkan dengan that series. cliché. like the part where some of them are dating each other or not talking with each other because of some awkward pasts but they just have to deal with it because they happened to be working under the same roof. aku juga dig the part where at each end of the episodes Meredith membuat rumusan tentang hidup. tapi aku tidak berapa berkenan dengan Meredith pasal she's like, so full of herself jadi aku pilih the emotional, passionate Izzie and sarcastic Cristina as my favourite characters pasal mereka macam merepek sangat. i'm a fan of sarcasm because somehow aku rasa sarcasm itu macam satu jenis bahan lawak. i love Cristina. she's so out of this world. dan watak-watak perempuan dalam that series macam suka memperbesarkan hal-hal remeh.

perempuan memang suka sangat berfikir, right? berfikir tentang perkara yang penting hinggalah yang paling tidak munasabah. dan memang selalu juga paranoia dikaitkan dengan perempuan. macam lumrah hidup.

ataupun mungkin aku seorang saja perempuan yang suka mahu berfikir bukan-bukan.



MEREDITH: "If I did die today, I'd only be remembered as the slutty intern who dated two doctors."
CRISTINA: "No, one doctor and one vet."
MEREDITH: "Derek, Finn, Derek, Finn. I'd die as the girl who couldn't make a choice, right?"
CRISTINA: "Probably. But none of that matters, because you'll be dead."

i totally dig Cristina.

mainan mata

boss bahagian marketing mahu tukar semua font headings dari font Frutiger ke font Hobo. like, seriously? i thought baru sahaja tadi mereka cakap the fonts were all jumbled up dan nampak tidak terurus dan sekarang mahu tukar dari font formal-looking to the type yang macam circus-y? well, good luck in making the flash presentation lebih tidak terurus. the poor designer mesti sakit mata sambil buat amendments.

dan tiba-tiba salah seorang colleagues yang selalu lalu-lalang next to my desk, aku rasa, macam hot.

maybe i should consider eye check-up somewhere this weekend.

dalam hidup, ada rules and regulations yang tidak tertera tapi kau perlu faham-faham sendiri

malam tadi aku dimarahi elle. she cares too much about me. owh Tuhan, what did i do to get all these precious friends? owh yeah. must be all the mistakes that i did.

semalamnya, aku beritahu dia tentang satu perasaan pelik. kau mesti pernah alaminya, tiba-tiba kau dilanda perasaan yang kau pun tidak tahu apa sebabnya. so weird. i've never missed vans before. dan sebenarnya tidak ada apa-apa yang penting about him yang perlu aku rindui. mungkin betul apa yang anne cakpa pada aku, "he's one of those people yang kau tak tau kenapa kau addicted to him sangat-sangat. you know, he's got that aura." aku tidak faham sangat aura apa, but part of that was true. we didn't share anything special pun tapi kenapa aku macam rindu sangat dan ada urge untuk cari dia? elle cakap, "kau takpayah lah nak cari dia. he's a jerk." so aku cuma berharap pada situasi terserempak sahaja. mills suggested aku plan cara-cara untuk bumped into him. haha. hmm...but i'm kind of considering that.

dan dalam 2-3 hari ini, aku macam agak sensitif. tentang perkara-perkara yang berkaitan dengan bekas kekasih. when mills told me that he's been chatting with a colleague, aku macam, "owh? since when?". dan bila tadi aku sibuk mencari gunting untuk makan keropok sedap, the girl who lent me her blade was wearing his knitted sweater. kau tahu aku rasa apa? macam ada sort of jealousy bercampur-aduk dengan rasa-rasa yang lain. aku tidak pasti. i mean, what's up weih? i thought i'm over him but why the hell did i feel that way? i mean, the only reason why i would wear somebody's ex's sweater adalah mungkin aku saja mahu sakitkan hati that somebody. dan aku macam not very fond of her jadi it kind of made it worse. atau memang sengaja si bekas kekasih meninggalkan pieces of him supaya aku akan sentiasa teringat pada dia. if that's the case, that's just so fucken unfair. aku wonder juga kalau sebenarnya deep inside dia memang tidak mahu aku move on dan always stay tortured macam itu.

maybe i should just take all his leftovers (yang tidak penting untuk aku) dan bakar. dan buat ritual dance. and get high. yeah. macam fun.

tapi aku tidak berapa gemar dengan pembakaran terbuka.

pernah suatu ketika dulu, she sold her soul to a heartless someone

kemudian yang berada di dalam genggaman tangannya bukanlah kepingan emas atau valuable notes. it was all just dusts.

sweetheart, kau sudah diperdaya. tapi tidak perlu rush untuk gain back that trust you've lost. cuma kau perlu fikir dalam-dalam yang mana satu kau harus turuti, yang mana kau harus shield yourself from.

tidak mengapa kalau kayuh perlahan-lahan. your days are not numbered yet. taman yang ada rainbow, butterflies dan pretty flowers itu akan tunggu sehingga kau sampai.

it will still be there, untuk kau berguling tanpa kerisauan atas rumput hijaunya yang macam permaidani itu. yang macam dalam mimpi-mimpi kau.

unzip your skirt, take off your blouse

itu hari menang laptop.

itu malam sudah jumpa my Malaysian version of James McAvoy.

ini hari aku dapat tahu N*E*R*D* ALMOST confirmed for 2009's KL Sunburst.

MY PHARRELL'S FINALLY COMING HOME TO ME!!!

i'm bad with maths but i can memorize unimportant phone numbers

what was last saturday's date? 17? hmm...doesn't sound lucky to me but it was one hell of a lucky night for me. pasal aku menang cabutan bertuah (like, finally) dan aku dapat laptop. though it sings "is the best!" ada satu perkara aku tidak berapa berkenan dengannya. its name. and the logo. aku tidak suka dengan ketidak-sekataan. owh well, aku patut bersyukur. i took the laptop as a sign that i shall never give up in life, in the need to change how i live my life, to make it better dan juga berusaha to get a lifestyle yang memang aku inginkan once i'm over 50. if i ever get there. dan at least, sekarang aku boleh snap gambar cleavage baabanyak dan boleh habiskan Grey's Anatomy season III. my current laptop is in need of an upgrade service tapi malangnya sikap malas aku masih lingering around.

after the big gala dinner (well, it sure felt like it) i dropped by at one of my usual weekend hangouts to see Al who just came back from partying with dearest Franz Ferdinand in the land of the Maoris. aku maafkan dia pasal he got me the journal that i wanted. iya lah, konon mahu get organized for the new year. mungkin tahun ini aku akan menjadi a new person. perlu percaya. he also reminded of some incident that i did yang buat aku laughed out loud pasal kebodohan sendiri. kalau ada kawan-kawan Al yang sampai ke sini and know that band-guy, tell him i'm sorry i was gatal tangan mahu text him up. tell him aku ada masalah mental sikit, he'll understand and forgive me. he does look like that type of a nice guy. okay, so that night i only managed to find a new being for me to drool over, just to kill time. dan hari ini i've decided i've found my local James McAvoy, plus i'm now officially ahli setia the broken hearts' club. satu hari aku asyik tersengih just by imagining things i would do to him. aku rasa aku belum pernah stumble upon a local hot DJ like him. okay, aku tidak pasti sama ada Goldfish itu hot atau tidak, but he's nice to look at. that's my personal opinion.

so far, my weekend was good, apart from the flu and light headache. Anne managed to slip a question about a mistake i did some few weeks ago. i told her we're strangers now. i hope we won't stumble upon each other pasal aku rasa aku akan tergelak besar pasal pasti waktu itu aku akan teringatkan decision bodoh aku. you can't make things that happened, unhappen. greatest lesson learnt sempena berumur suku abad.

kemudian aku perlu percaya pada benda-benda positive. dan perlu ingat untuk selalu bersyukur dangan apa yang aku ada. kalau mahu lebih, boleh cuba dengan cara betul, bukan main kotor.

if you got it, flaunt it!

women, know that your instincts are always right

"You see, the thing with men is that ever after has everything to do with timing. And very little to do with who you are. He can love you, yes. But if the time is not right, he won't marry you or put aside his personal plans to be with you without you having to ask. Even then, he still won't.

But once he's married, he will. Because that's what married men do for their wives.

So men, understand this. Women always know if you fall in love with someone else. And often times, they know even before you do. It's in the tone of your voice and the things you don't say.

And women, know that your instincts are always right. In a cruel twist of nature, the reason you possess that clarity is because you love him down to your bones. And it will break your heart. It will seize you with fear before you understand why you are frightened." - thedatindiaries.blogspot.com

aku rindu her writings.