lagu Ima Robot, STD Dance.
dan badannya liang-liuk ikut beat. kedua tangannya bermain-main dengan her own hair yang kerap-kali dibisikkan sendiri, masih tidak cukup panjang to be beautiful. matanya bergerak melihat the whole dark room yang hanya diterangi lampu next door neighbour. dan berhenti melihat mata opponent. he was looking at her expressionless sambil menghulurkan tembakau yang dibalut sendiri. she nod her head to the beat again dan capai.
head still moving, and suddenly the room was filled with shots of colours. started off with small dots kemudian jadi bigger. splashes. psychedelic colours. tembakau campuran. dia nampak cahaya lampu neon yang biasa dilihat at her usual last resort on weekends. she was doing some moves that she saw on a movie yesterday. ruang kosong di bilik itu digunakan sehabis-habisnya. buka mata, muka opponent berada hanya 3 inci darinya. pantas ada shots of images di belakang matanya. satisfactions, faith, hope, destruction, love, envy. jari-jari opponent sampai di belakang bahunya, mencari tattoo 'kepercayaan' dengan font script yang dia buat setahun lalu di pulau sana. masih menari liang-liuk, her head rested against her opponent's. masih ada splashes of neon psychedelic colours.
he said, "be my psychedelic girl" dan si penari inhale dalam-dalam lebihan tembakau.
Rabu, Ogos 5
Isnin, Ogos 3
this time we fight fire with fire
Khamis malam, aku pergi berdiri di tingkat atas, by the glass panel dan tersengih tengok perempuan-perempuan di podium tingkat bawah bergesel with each other sambil aku juga gelek, gelek, gelek. tapi aku gelek seorang pasal aku tidak gemar mahu gesel-gesel pasal macam geli semacam. seperti biasa, ada saja orang yang tidak boleh tengok aku enjoy sendiri. so this black guy came up to me dan minta phone number sekaligus tanya pukul berapa yang dia boleh call aku. i told him, "i don't entertain calls anymore," and when he asked why, i said, "because i'm seeing someone."
mestilah it was a lie. duh!
but i do like this one guy, you know? cuma pada aku dia sesuatu yang tidak pasti. kau tidak boleh budget sangat what goes on in his mind. dan aku memang malas pun mahu tanya sana-sini pasal his past pasal aku takut kalau ada cerita yang tidak best sampai ke telinga aku. in denial, kan? so sue me. anyway, i was talking about my situations with this guy dengan seorang kawan yang sedang melalui post-break up. and then she brought up this question: do you like him or the idea of him? tidak payah fikir panjang untuk aku jawab soalan itu. since i don't know why i'm so attracted to him of course jawapannya adalah the idea of him. tidak payah cerita banyak, he got good manners, he's tanned, he dives. memang aku suka yang muka-muka melayu, macam ada sedikit unsur Jawa. dan dia ada sofa pusing di rumahnya. no, no. belum terjadi apa-apa di atasnya, i assure you. ha ha.
jadi 2-3 hari aku fikir pasal soalan tersebut. kemudian aku fed up pasal kenapa mahu complicate things? i mean, can't i just like him for whatever reason yang ada? yes, i'm kind of head over heels on this guy, but i don't believe it's love yet. like he called me up mahu ajak lepak at his house and Al said i shouldn't go because, "kau nak jadi booty call dia ke?" habis, booty call aku siapa mahu jawab?
okay lah. that's not the whole point. aku tidak faham kenapa perlu ask around on my next actions pasal biasanya bila aku tanya close friends, i'll go against their suggestions (so, okay. itu problem aku). point yang sebenar-benarnya adalah, kenapalah benda-benda yang berkaitan dengan perasaan boleh jadi sangat complicated macam ini? aku jadi bosanlah kena fikir perkara-perkara yang perlu aku buat dan yang perlu dielakkan. these unwritten laws. contoh, kalau fuck buddies kau tidak boleh tunjuk cemburu sangat or apa-apalah. promiscuous and shits. banyak sangat klasifikasi.
jadi, sekarang ini, lelaki atau perempuan yang harus dipersalahkan for complicating things? the easiest way i guess is for the two individuals to straighten things out. ada risikolah di sini. tapi siapa yang mahu mulakan? dan kalau the other party seorang yang suka melarikan diri dari straightening things out, memang sengsara.
currently, lebih kurang macam aku.
mestilah it was a lie. duh!
but i do like this one guy, you know? cuma pada aku dia sesuatu yang tidak pasti. kau tidak boleh budget sangat what goes on in his mind. dan aku memang malas pun mahu tanya sana-sini pasal his past pasal aku takut kalau ada cerita yang tidak best sampai ke telinga aku. in denial, kan? so sue me. anyway, i was talking about my situations with this guy dengan seorang kawan yang sedang melalui post-break up. and then she brought up this question: do you like him or the idea of him? tidak payah fikir panjang untuk aku jawab soalan itu. since i don't know why i'm so attracted to him of course jawapannya adalah the idea of him. tidak payah cerita banyak, he got good manners, he's tanned, he dives. memang aku suka yang muka-muka melayu, macam ada sedikit unsur Jawa. dan dia ada sofa pusing di rumahnya. no, no. belum terjadi apa-apa di atasnya, i assure you. ha ha.
jadi 2-3 hari aku fikir pasal soalan tersebut. kemudian aku fed up pasal kenapa mahu complicate things? i mean, can't i just like him for whatever reason yang ada? yes, i'm kind of head over heels on this guy, but i don't believe it's love yet. like he called me up mahu ajak lepak at his house and Al said i shouldn't go because, "kau nak jadi booty call dia ke?" habis, booty call aku siapa mahu jawab?
okay lah. that's not the whole point. aku tidak faham kenapa perlu ask around on my next actions pasal biasanya bila aku tanya close friends, i'll go against their suggestions (so, okay. itu problem aku). point yang sebenar-benarnya adalah, kenapalah benda-benda yang berkaitan dengan perasaan boleh jadi sangat complicated macam ini? aku jadi bosanlah kena fikir perkara-perkara yang perlu aku buat dan yang perlu dielakkan. these unwritten laws. contoh, kalau fuck buddies kau tidak boleh tunjuk cemburu sangat or apa-apalah. promiscuous and shits. banyak sangat klasifikasi.
jadi, sekarang ini, lelaki atau perempuan yang harus dipersalahkan for complicating things? the easiest way i guess is for the two individuals to straighten things out. ada risikolah di sini. tapi siapa yang mahu mulakan? dan kalau the other party seorang yang suka melarikan diri dari straightening things out, memang sengsara.
currently, lebih kurang macam aku.
he's the one that you see sometimes on t.v.
di hujung filem itu, ada view pantai di waktu subuh. walaupun air waktu pagi adalah air pasang, tapi shot camera jauh, buat scene lebih dramatik. di langit pula ada seekor burung yang terbang, circling the same spot. juga ada silhoutte a couple holding each other. satu kombinasi yang sempurna, kan? everything. because it's a movie. movies memang perfect macam itu.
bukan macam hidup kita yang sebenar. once in a blue moon sahaja kau akan come across scenes macam ini.
ada kawan aku tag di Facebook satu questionaire yang ada kena-mengena dengan past relationships. well, this is fun.
bukan macam hidup kita yang sebenar. once in a blue moon sahaja kau akan come across scenes macam ini.
ada kawan aku tag di Facebook satu questionaire yang ada kena-mengena dengan past relationships. well, this is fun.
Rabu, Julai 29
you can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare
Mili replied to my last night's ever so depressing text:
'i think one day he'll wake up and realize that he was stupid enough for playing the game and didn't give you the chance you deserve. you're wonderful in every way and you don't need him to help you see that. you'll get what you want just the way you want it, all you need to do is believe in yourself. ;)'
aauuww...mesti kamu semua cemburu i got a sweet sister macam ini. i'm so happy today despite the rain and missing breakfast session with Ledisordre (i'm really sorry!). i mean, i can't help it, the sky's a nice shade of blue and Beyonce's videoclip for Sweet Dreams is stunning.
eh. tapi part 'wonderful in every way' hanya rekaan semata-mata (memang ayat kiss-ass pun).
'i think one day he'll wake up and realize that he was stupid enough for playing the game and didn't give you the chance you deserve. you're wonderful in every way and you don't need him to help you see that. you'll get what you want just the way you want it, all you need to do is believe in yourself. ;)'
aauuww...mesti kamu semua cemburu i got a sweet sister macam ini. i'm so happy today despite the rain and missing breakfast session with Ledisordre (i'm really sorry!). i mean, i can't help it, the sky's a nice shade of blue and Beyonce's videoclip for Sweet Dreams is stunning.
eh. tapi part 'wonderful in every way' hanya rekaan semata-mata (memang ayat kiss-ass pun).
Isnin, Julai 27
But you'd better watch your step, girl
lebih kurang dua minggu lepas, Vans muncul. malam yang aku beritahu Mili, "aku taktau kenapa, tapi aku macam ada satu rasa yang Vans's gonna be here tonight." about an hour after i told her that, he texted me up. apparently, he was in the area that night and saw my sister at another place nearby. instincts, they're freaky. especially yang kau rasa macam ada connection kuat dengan kau. anyway, so i told myself that the feeling's not there anymore. he's just gonna text me up and then will be gone the next day. he said he texted me up pasal dia rasa guilty for not keeping in touch for the past few months. the time when i realized i was too naive for my age. aku rasa kita memang perlu ada classes yang mengajar perkara-perkara sosial sebegini. untuk orang-orang macam aku yang sebenarnya tahu that the thing's wrong tapi saja mahu try test.
jadi Sabtu malam aku main lagi sofa pusingnya. it's addictive, i tell you. the best sofa, so far. we talked and teased like nothing went wrong before. dan waktu dia cerita tentang his dream job, aku hanya perhatikan riak mukanya dalam gelap. bila sampai part yang dia mahu ke States to further his studies, ada satu macam force kecil dalam hati aku yang meronta. why does everyone that i like have to leave the country? i should be the one leaving the country with all these personal commotions. how unfair. tapi belum pasti lagi if he's gonna leave or not. but i was very fascinated by his big dreams. ada satu part macam aku mahu look up to him like an elder brother. ada satu part he's just so hot.
ya. i'm falling for him all over again bilamasa aku tahu he's something like fire. his friend's words kept repeating in my head, "he breaks girls' hearts la."
aku benci angau. can't wait for it to be gone!
jadi Sabtu malam aku main lagi sofa pusingnya. it's addictive, i tell you. the best sofa, so far. we talked and teased like nothing went wrong before. dan waktu dia cerita tentang his dream job, aku hanya perhatikan riak mukanya dalam gelap. bila sampai part yang dia mahu ke States to further his studies, ada satu macam force kecil dalam hati aku yang meronta. why does everyone that i like have to leave the country? i should be the one leaving the country with all these personal commotions. how unfair. tapi belum pasti lagi if he's gonna leave or not. but i was very fascinated by his big dreams. ada satu part macam aku mahu look up to him like an elder brother. ada satu part he's just so hot.
ya. i'm falling for him all over again bilamasa aku tahu he's something like fire. his friend's words kept repeating in my head, "he breaks girls' hearts la."
aku benci angau. can't wait for it to be gone!
white light will bathe your pillow
last weekend, ada dua deaths. Yasmin Ahmad dan ayah Anne. ucapan takziah kepada mereka yang berkenaan. may their souls rest in peace. Anne nampak tenang. on the way back to her house selepas pengkebumian, she said something about malam Isra' dan Mi'raj akan ada 50 orang yang meninggal dan orang-orang itu adalah antara yang baik-baik (please correct me here if i'm wrong). jadi aku rasa Anne redha dengan pemergian ayahnya. he passed away on Sunday morning, masa yang senang untuk diuruskan.
perkara-perkara macam ini akan buat aku fikir apa yang akan jadi when it happens to me nanti. will i take it easily atau aku akan terlalu murung kerana kehilangan? aku tidak begitu pasti pasal aku mengaku iman aku tidak sekuat Anne's. tapi aku mahu jadi orang yang mandikan Emak bila dia pergi nanti. kalau tidak aku akan rasa bersalah seumur hidup. dan regret dalam hal ini bukan perkara yang remeh.
perkara-perkara macam ini akan buat aku fikir apa yang akan jadi when it happens to me nanti. will i take it easily atau aku akan terlalu murung kerana kehilangan? aku tidak begitu pasti pasal aku mengaku iman aku tidak sekuat Anne's. tapi aku mahu jadi orang yang mandikan Emak bila dia pergi nanti. kalau tidak aku akan rasa bersalah seumur hidup. dan regret dalam hal ini bukan perkara yang remeh.
Isnin, Julai 20
if you don't mind, it doesn't matter
pergi Seremban, aku dapat tiga pasang kasut pre-loved. hi-cut boots, Oxford heels, Oxford men. black, black, black. baru saja beberapa minggu lepas ada orang tanya aku suka beli apa dan aku jawab aku ikut mood, it's been a while too since i've bought shoes. 3 pasang kasut dari bundle dan satu sandal dari Carrefour = balas dendam. tapi kau jangan risau, aku cheapskate jadi berapa sangatlah yang aku spent over the weekend. petang Ahad i found out about the fashion market di tengah busy area tapi nasib baik aku seorang pemalas jadi aku pergi ke rumah Abah. harapan untuk ambil basikal BMX along rupanya sudah dihantar ke kampung. jadi sambil chomp, chomp ayam Mexico, Mili menjahit mata lalat disebelah with Abah constantly hisap paipnya, kami berborak tentang world history. i've always been fascinated by history. di sekolah aku macam 50-50 lah suka sejarah tapi waktu kolej, walaupun repeat kelas art history, in the end aku sangat suka. paling suka kalau ada soalan suruh define the paintings. i was able to remember the year of the paintings were made tapi sekarang jangan cuba-cuba tanya aku. google kan ada.
kemudian dari world history masuk topik tentang orang Inggeris dan culture mereka. the Americans dengan denims dan T-shirts-nya. and then Abah cerita pasal his nurse yang berkahwin dengan matsalleh dari U.K. yang rupanya macam sangat tua, tapi umurnya tidaklah sangat. dia kata it's normal anyway for them to look so mature (boleh refer pada Britnay Spears di tempat kerja aku, she's only 22 and yet umur dia nampak macam jauh sangat dari aku). "i think it's your mindset lah, that makes you look youthful or otherwise." and Abah agreed. Mili memang panas lah pasal selalunya people will either think we're twins or she's the elder sister.
jadi pagi tadi aku decide, kalau ada orang tanya umur aku berapa, i'll just say, "guess. whatever number that comes up in your head, will be my current age."
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. - Mark Twain
kemudian dari world history masuk topik tentang orang Inggeris dan culture mereka. the Americans dengan denims dan T-shirts-nya. and then Abah cerita pasal his nurse yang berkahwin dengan matsalleh dari U.K. yang rupanya macam sangat tua, tapi umurnya tidaklah sangat. dia kata it's normal anyway for them to look so mature (boleh refer pada Britnay Spears di tempat kerja aku, she's only 22 and yet umur dia nampak macam jauh sangat dari aku). "i think it's your mindset lah, that makes you look youthful or otherwise." and Abah agreed. Mili memang panas lah pasal selalunya people will either think we're twins or she's the elder sister.
jadi pagi tadi aku decide, kalau ada orang tanya umur aku berapa, i'll just say, "guess. whatever number that comes up in your head, will be my current age."
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. - Mark Twain
Jumaat, Julai 17
loneliness is the human condition, no one else can fill that space
"don't cry. we're not like that. we're the Vikings, remember?"
- White Oleander.
- White Oleander.
Rabu, Julai 15
siri trackback: 08 - hubungan anti-clockwise
'kita cakap hai.
kita gelak berdekah-dekah.
baru pegang tangan.
baru kucup sayang.
but not the other way round.
no. aku berdegil untuk tidak mempunyai hubungan sekadar teman sahaja.
it’s either we’re sleeping together, or nothing at all.'
04/06/07 taken from the original wishful thinkings. wasted thoughts.
siri trackback: 07 - same feelings
'Duduk bergoyang kaki
menarik nafas yang dalam
jejari tangan bermain butiran
pasir di atas bangku simen
mengeluh panjang
i’m thinking again
of the quote
opposites attracts
Lama, kan?
aku, kamu bersabar
kerenah yang agak meluat
maybe we believe
in something invisibl-y strong
mungkin kamu lebih percaya
bersungguh-sungguh menahan
Aku suka
bila tanganku dalam tangan kamu
bila kamu memetik butang
menangkap aksi spontan
bila kamu cuba buat aku suka
kejutan yang tidak menjadi
manis bagai rasa sampoerna di bibir
Tapi adakala terasa melecur
mengadu kesakitan
menangis teresak mahukan pujukan
kepulangan karma memberi keputusan
1 - sama
ignorance is bliss
i was bliss
and ego have got to be my middle name
Kamu bertandang lagi
mengusap lembut
bisikkan kata-kata manis
sayang di dahi bagi aku
sangat tersirat
kamu usaha
buat aku percaya
i did miss you
you weren’t sure
//
With your hands around me
insecurity no longer exists
baby, hold me tight
like those promises you once said
no, i didn’t forget
it was you who did
still it’s not promises that i wanted
just the normal things you said
nothing specially bizarre
maybe normal is okay
not typical, just normal'
15/06/06 taken from the original wishful thinkings. wasted thoughts.
menarik nafas yang dalam
jejari tangan bermain butiran
pasir di atas bangku simen
mengeluh panjang
i’m thinking again
of the quote
opposites attracts
Lama, kan?
aku, kamu bersabar
kerenah yang agak meluat
maybe we believe
in something invisibl-y strong
mungkin kamu lebih percaya
bersungguh-sungguh menahan
Aku suka
bila tanganku dalam tangan kamu
bila kamu memetik butang
menangkap aksi spontan
bila kamu cuba buat aku suka
kejutan yang tidak menjadi
manis bagai rasa sampoerna di bibir
Tapi adakala terasa melecur
mengadu kesakitan
menangis teresak mahukan pujukan
kepulangan karma memberi keputusan
1 - sama
ignorance is bliss
i was bliss
and ego have got to be my middle name
Kamu bertandang lagi
mengusap lembut
bisikkan kata-kata manis
sayang di dahi bagi aku
sangat tersirat
kamu usaha
buat aku percaya
i did miss you
you weren’t sure
//
With your hands around me
insecurity no longer exists
baby, hold me tight
like those promises you once said
no, i didn’t forget
it was you who did
still it’s not promises that i wanted
just the normal things you said
nothing specially bizarre
maybe normal is okay
not typical, just normal'
15/06/06 taken from the original wishful thinkings. wasted thoughts.
siri trackback: 06 - sweet nothing
Date: 24th June ‘06
Time: 11.05 am
Venue: Somewhere spacious
"Still lying.staring at the ceiling.the rotating fan.turned my head right.sleeping soundly.quietly.closed my eyes again.a flash of last night’s dream.another repeat."
Date: 24th June ‘06
Time: 1 pm
Venue: Somewhere spacious
"Need to wake up.to something.but not too sure to what.headed to the living room.turn on the TV.flashbacks of 13 years ago.leaned on his chest.cuddled in his arms.feeling good."
Date: 24th June ‘06
Time: 3.25 pm
Venue: Somewhere spacious
"Getting ready to go out.to meet him.accompany him.maybe eat.ice cream would kill this mysterious cravings."
Date: 24th June ‘06
Time: 7.15 pm
Venue: Somewhere spacious
"Aahh! Pepperoni! Seafood! nyamnyam.chewing teasingly with him.enjoying every bite.each minute.This is dinner,baby.u said u wanna go for a diet,remember?"
Date: 24th June ‘06
Time: 11.55 pm
Venue: Somewhere spacious
"Baby,i love just hanging around with u.doing absolutely nothing.talking nonsense.taking candids.i’d like to do this every weekend.please."
26/06/06 taken from the original wishful thinkings. wasted thoughts.
siri trackback: 05 - someone you should know about
'This is a blog about someone. Someone who is such a believer himself, dat sometimes believes something beyond expectations. Though sometimes it makes people mad, especially myself, you can’t help looking up to him. I know how people around have started to get annoyed. And you think it’s easy for me? Now i understand wat my friends felt in their past relationship. But still i can’t understand those who still stay despite the domestic abuse. I know. It seems that all my blogs are about this 1 person. Well, this is my blog and i’ll do watever i want with it. haha! yes.please be annoyed with me too.
Well anyway, this someone, that i was telling u about turns out to be a really important person. I wasn’t as dependent now as i was before i met him. Though there were some unlogical stuff happening around this particular duration of ________ship, i dun think i can lose this someone. it’ll be a big lost if i’m not capable of wrapping him around my fingers. Though i’m not really into diamonds, but i think he is 1 to me. Yeah. it sucks when ppl hate the things that u really love. but i guess it make u think. it made me think of the sweetest things he’s done for me.
//this someone is someone you hate. but this someone is my precious thing.'
12/08/06 taken from the original wishful thinkings. wasted thoughts.
Well anyway, this someone, that i was telling u about turns out to be a really important person. I wasn’t as dependent now as i was before i met him. Though there were some unlogical stuff happening around this particular duration of ________ship, i dun think i can lose this someone. it’ll be a big lost if i’m not capable of wrapping him around my fingers. Though i’m not really into diamonds, but i think he is 1 to me. Yeah. it sucks when ppl hate the things that u really love. but i guess it make u think. it made me think of the sweetest things he’s done for me.
//this someone is someone you hate. but this someone is my precious thing.'
12/08/06 taken from the original wishful thinkings. wasted thoughts.
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