Negaraku

Aku baca artikel pasal racism, how Malaysia now lebih banyak racism dari yang sebelumnya (selepas tragedi 1969). Pasal ramai intelektual yang berguna untuk kegunaan negara kita yang berhijrah ke luar negara. I don't think i am a racist tapi kadang-kadang aku naik menyampah dengan perangai kaum lain yang tinggal di sini. Boleh label pemikiran aku cetek but this is my opinion. Kepada mereka yang kerap tidak puas hati dengan hak bumiputera, i think you can go back to your country. Anne pernah cerita yang dia tanya kenapa hanya Melayu ada hak bumiputera but not the other races kepada abang iparnya. He answered because back then, yang berjuang untuk kemerdekaan adalah Melayu, while the other races were doing their other chores (mereka pun di bawa masuk untuk specific business reasons).

Siapalah aku untuk membincangkan tentang history Tanah melayu. But come on, give us a break. We don't have any other country that we can call our own.

Myth busters, answer me!

Betul ke myth tentang 'love at first sight'? Aku rasa macam betul pasal mungkin aku pernah melaluinya. Head over feet on someone tapi kau tidak tahu why exactly. Or kau tahu dia bad news tapi kau still mahu.

I think i've fallen in like. Which is sort of harmless, kan?

Masquerade

Sekarang aku sedang tunggu diherdik oleh Abah pasal sudah seminggu aku keluar lewat malam, pulang sejam sebelum subuh. And still work the next day (for chinese new year, i worked both Thursday and Friday). Semalam aku drained out, i felt like wanting to close my eyes for the whole day jadi aku macam tidak sabar mahu pulang and doze off. Instead, i couldn't sleep that well, woke up and drove to Bandar Utama. Seperti biasa, sampai rumah lebih kurang sejam sebelum subuh. Even while typing this out, rasa macam ada benda melepak atas kelopak mata. Well i guess this how you avoid loneliness. You force your body sampai lencun, kemudian tidur. No time untuk fikir perkara-perkara yang menyedihkan. Tiada siapa yang suka manusia pathetic. Aku pun tidak suka. Sometimes aku tidak begitu menyukai diri sendiri. Haih.

Aku rasa bahagia ada ruang untuk diri aku sendiri di sini where nobody knows that i am a pathetic person (except for some ghost readers lah). If i attended that Alter-ego party last week, i would've come as an emo kid with smudged eyeliner. Hmm..best juga kalau aku dress up that saturday night. Tidak mengapa. This is kota durjana, there will be a lot more theme parties coming up. Confirmed.

perang dingin, lelaki, perempuan dan in between

Comparing is never a good thing. Tapi aku rasa untuk tahu nilai kau, perbandingan memang perlu. Semalam Mili graduated from her training. So i brought Mak and Along was supposed to come with Abah but he was busy so Abah came alone. My parents, i didn't really know what happened between them. Yang aku ingat cuma they stopped talking to each other more than 10 years ago. Perang dingin, simpulan bahasanya. It was awkward sitting in the middle of them yesterday, campur lagi aku memang tidak pandai make conversation. Mungkin jangkamasa aku tinggal sendiri dulu buat aku rasa asing dengan mereka or there's just something weird about me. But they managed to act cooly dan Mak menang dengan perangai selambanya, taking her teh tarik and sitting at the same table as Abah. Jadi aku reward dia dengan menyinggah ke Sungai Buloh so she can get her potted plant untuk memenuhkan lagi mini balkoni at her apartment.

Aku pernah cakap pada Mili,"with our parents like this, how are we supposed to get married?" She just nodded and shrugged.

Getting married. Penting sangat ke? Aku jadi bosan bila sekarang goal masing-masing is to find the right guy yang tidak akan cheat behind your back, break your heart or kahwin lagi satu. Lelaki memang Tuhan buat dia macam itu, perempuan sebagai salah satu passion-nya. Betapa sayangnya dia pada kau, kau cuma perlu cekal hati, make-believe yang hanya kau seorang yang paling penting dalam hidupnya.

But easier said than done. Kita manusia, bukan kasut atau basikal.

Aku mahu cerita tentang bagaimana aku rasa terabai dibandingkan dengan siblings aku yang lain. But i don't think i should add on another sad pathetic story. Pasal esok tahun baru cina. I wish i'm a drinker so i can drink all the free alcohol and be jolly sambil wash away memories yang tidak enak. Despite how the magnets doesn't connect, i wish you wanted me to stay.

Dan sometimes aku mahu jerit sekuat-kuat hati, sekuat-kuat hatred,"DARI MANA DATANGNYA SEMUA EGO INI PASAL AKU MACAM SANGAT TERSEKSA!"

don't panic, don't panic it's just the trick of the lights

i should be a hipster

In his book Jazz, Frank Tirro defines the 1940s hipster:

"To the hipster, Bird was a living justification of their philosophy. The hipster is an underground man. He is to the Secaond World War what the dadaist was to the first. He is amoral, anarchistic, gentle, and overcivilized to the point of decadence. He is always ten steps ahead of the game because of his awareness, an example of which might be meeting a girl and rejecting her, because he knows they will date, hold hands, kiss, neck, pet, fornicate, perhaps marry, divorce—so why start the whole thing? He knows the hypocrisy of bureaucracy, the hatred implicit in religions—so what values are left for him?—except to go through life avoiding pain, keep his emotions in check, and after that, "be cool," and look for kicks. He is looking for something that transcends all this bullshit and finds it in jazz."

heartbroken gila babi

slap! slap! slap!

it's better now or never, innit? jadi, seperti biasa, mulakan strategi:

inhale. exhale.

avoid jauh-jauh kryptonite itu.

dahi licin, darah muda

owh. aku tweet pasal kalau jumpa lelaki muka iras Bieber di tempat bersosial, i wouldn't wanna waste a chance of tasting some.

i saw a glimpse of cherry boy. we acted like strangers to each other. i remember that moment when i saw him. ada lagu "you know you love me, i know you care" dalam kepala.

rupanya aku sudah taste a 'Bieber' two months ago. haha.

you know every woman is a whore deep inside

everybody's alright on a Friday night.

i was alright. with puppy next to me, riding towards 'alright'. until you texted. kecamuk. kemudian, jumpa kau, i was alright again. your warmth was inviting. but really, what was it that you were looking for? i felt that familiar feeling. and the longings, answered.

but why did you leave so sudden? i wanted to grab you, to make you stay. but i wasn't sure if you, yourself wanted to stay.

this morning i imagine myself getting married to that faraway guy. aku agak itu solution paling baik, get married and start a totally new life. but then i thought of you dan aku jadi sedih. pasal aku rasa kalau aku beritahu kau, you wouldn't give a damn pun.

sayangnya aku pada kau. this is it. another familiar feeling all over again. will i be another whore again?

i found the status you posted two months back

dua manusia duduk atas kerusi santai, bawah pokok rendang, menghadap tasik. yang perempuan, pegang rokok, yang lelaki curi tengok, geleng sikit kepala.

lelaki kata, "you ingat tak?"

perempuan jawab, "yeasayer. i remember."

so here's to existentialism

i turned another year older. happy happy? this year's celebration was awesome. slightly out of control but alright. didn't get to see Lucy but met Gary instead. very seductive. but no new year's kiss.

2011, should live healthy. should stop whining, regretting & the lots. this year's keyword shall be 'don't give up'.

the next boyfriend shall be the one to put a ring on my finger. hopefully. have faith.

aku ke kau yang emo?

whateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhatever

immature much? YES. BUT DO I LOOK LIKE I GIVE A DAMN? NO.