staring at the ceiling

macam bosanlah post entries on perasaan. yang konon hal deep sangat. aku mahu start post everyday journal.

mari cuba.

lebih kurang 5am tadi aku terjaga and then tanpa apa-apa motif penting, aku log in laptop dan biarkan YM online. kemudian aku sambung tidur sampai lebih kurang 7am dan di luar tingkap aku dengar bunyi hujan and everyone knows how the sound of rain in the morning sangatlah mengiurkan. jadi, aku sambung tidur. about 30 minutes later, i woke up pasal aku cuba mahu mendisiplinkan diri untuk pergi kerja awal pasal malam semalam when i was driving back i thought to myself, if i can make myself not eat rice on weekdays (i heart nasi, mind you) why can't i try do it in other parts of my life? the more important parts. so yeah, aku tiba 15 minutes early. on most days, aku sampai either 30 minutes late or more. hari ini Mills tumpang aku pasal dia malas mahu drive. bila sampai office, aku sambung buat brochure yang aku tinggalkan sehelai-sepinggang semalam. sekarang, sudah masuk waktu lunch and eventhough aku tidak puasa, i'm not eating pasal ada orang sudah tegur i've gained weight. dan semalam aku tengok cermin, my reflection sudah macam bloated. hari ini masih belum tengok cermin. hanya part muka saja.

maannn, i suck at this.

E. is for stable

everytime kalau ada orang cakap "flying colours" mesti dalam kepala aku ada strands of colourful ribbons macam berlalu pantas. brightly coloured ribbons yang macam selalu dilekatkan pada air-cond untuk display.

2-3 hari ini aku ada satu craving pelik untuk buat makeover for Vans's room. aku tidak pasti idea datang dari mana but i just think it would be fun to do it. maybe i just need to channel whatever's going on inside, perasaan atau pemikiran, on something. dan aku rasa dia adalah mangsa yang sesuai pasal dia terlalu busy untuk buat benda-benda macam itu so maybe i can be some kind of help for him, no?

or prolly he'll just freak out thinking that maybe aku sudah perasan konon we're in a relationship. all i need is just a canvas. nothing wrong, right?

no, i tried so hard to catch your eye

apa-apa jenis ship selain dari yang tertera di status Facebook adalah relationship miscellaneous. jadi, kalau kawan kau tanya, "korang ni apa sebenarnya?" untuk tidak menaikkan goosebumps by answering, "TTM, teman tapi mesra," kau jawab, "it's a miscellaneous relationship."

maybe bunyi lebih urban with percikan coolness.

how we long for a life as a slave

Al cakap, "kau ni, sebenarnya, takut kehilangan."

siapa tidak takut bila both of your closest girlfriends are getting married next year? when i read the text message Anne sent me, tiba-tiba aku rasa gelisah dan waktu aku jumpa Al di gerai makan, i couldn't hold back the tears. eek. sudah besar pun mahu menangis in public places. the thing is, not that i too wanna get married it's just the idea of that person yang kau selalu hold on to, akan berubah into someone else. bull shit-lah kalau mereka cakap they'll stay the same. yes, i have party friends tapi aku jenis yang agak susah untuk get intimate. bila aku rasa susah hati, aku akan cari tiga orang; Elle, Anne dan Al. kalau semua sudah busy dengan spouse masing-masing, aku mahu cari siapa to cry my whole heart out to?

so i told them about Vans last night. Al macam serba-salah giving me suggestions about it. Anne tried to sooth me down. all i wanted was for us to talk about it. pasal aku rasa when the topic is about me, aku rasa macam ada orang yang masih kisah pasal aku. i didn't really care what they had to say, i just needed a conversation. and i told him how i was a bitch (i'm not sure if i am still one) dan kenapa aku rasa gelisah about things. really, it wasn't actually a big deal when Vans said he's gonna stay single forever tapi mungkin with that statement, it will never work between the two of us. it exhausted Al and Anne when i didn't know what i wanted actually. kemudian, Anne's boyfriend mencelah, inserting solution yang paling clear which is, if you enjoy the idea, why not? dia cakap, "enjoy it while it lasts la and bila you dah bosan, leave him." funny how we sometimes know the fact all along tapi saja mengada-ngada mahu orang lain point it out. so yeah, i've decided to hold on to Peter's words. dan brush off perasaan vulnerable.

juga nasib menyebelahi aku that currently my phoneline's barred.

owh. owh. owh. how dare i forget the one who wouldn't mind listening and talk about things with me yang buat masa sekarang aku boleh percaya pada dia that she won't go away, leave me dan buat aku rasa kehilangan. i should do the session more with her because i guess, we're both still learning about things.

your name used to taste so sweet

mana pergi para mysteriously-sexy bloggers??? i need my drugs!

freedom's the source of the lightning sparks when you're dancing

lagu Ima Robot, STD Dance.

dan badannya liang-liuk ikut beat. kedua tangannya bermain-main dengan her own hair yang kerap-kali dibisikkan sendiri, masih tidak cukup panjang to be beautiful. matanya bergerak melihat the whole dark room yang hanya diterangi lampu next door neighbour. dan berhenti melihat mata opponent. he was looking at her expressionless sambil menghulurkan tembakau yang dibalut sendiri. she nod her head to the beat again dan capai.

head still moving, and suddenly the room was filled with shots of colours. started off with small dots kemudian jadi bigger. splashes. psychedelic colours. tembakau campuran. dia nampak cahaya lampu neon yang biasa dilihat at her usual last resort on weekends. she was doing some moves that she saw on a movie yesterday. ruang kosong di bilik itu digunakan sehabis-habisnya. buka mata, muka opponent berada hanya 3 inci darinya. pantas ada shots of images di belakang matanya. satisfactions, faith, hope, destruction, love, envy. jari-jari opponent sampai di belakang bahunya, mencari tattoo 'kepercayaan' dengan font script yang dia buat setahun lalu di pulau sana. masih menari liang-liuk, her head rested against her opponent's. masih ada splashes of neon psychedelic colours.

he said, "be my psychedelic girl" dan si penari inhale dalam-dalam lebihan tembakau.

this time we fight fire with fire

Khamis malam, aku pergi berdiri di tingkat atas, by the glass panel dan tersengih tengok perempuan-perempuan di podium tingkat bawah bergesel with each other sambil aku juga gelek, gelek, gelek. tapi aku gelek seorang pasal aku tidak gemar mahu gesel-gesel pasal macam geli semacam. seperti biasa, ada saja orang yang tidak boleh tengok aku enjoy sendiri. so this black guy came up to me dan minta phone number sekaligus tanya pukul berapa yang dia boleh call aku. i told him, "i don't entertain calls anymore," and when he asked why, i said, "because i'm seeing someone."

mestilah it was a lie. duh!

but i do like this one guy, you know? cuma pada aku dia sesuatu yang tidak pasti. kau tidak boleh budget sangat what goes on in his mind. dan aku memang malas pun mahu tanya sana-sini pasal his past pasal aku takut kalau ada cerita yang tidak best sampai ke telinga aku. in denial, kan? so sue me. anyway, i was talking about my situations with this guy dengan seorang kawan yang sedang melalui post-break up. and then she brought up this question: do you like him or the idea of him? tidak payah fikir panjang untuk aku jawab soalan itu. since i don't know why i'm so attracted to him of course jawapannya adalah the idea of him. tidak payah cerita banyak, he got good manners, he's tanned, he dives. memang aku suka yang muka-muka melayu, macam ada sedikit unsur Jawa. dan dia ada sofa pusing di rumahnya. no, no. belum terjadi apa-apa di atasnya, i assure you. ha ha.

jadi 2-3 hari aku fikir pasal soalan tersebut. kemudian aku fed up pasal kenapa mahu complicate things? i mean, can't i just like him for whatever reason yang ada? yes, i'm kind of head over heels on this guy, but i don't believe it's love yet. like he called me up mahu ajak lepak at his house and Al said i shouldn't go because, "kau nak jadi booty call dia ke?" habis, booty call aku siapa mahu jawab?

okay lah. that's not the whole point. aku tidak faham kenapa perlu ask around on my next actions pasal biasanya bila aku tanya close friends, i'll go against their suggestions (so, okay. itu problem aku). point yang sebenar-benarnya adalah, kenapalah benda-benda yang berkaitan dengan perasaan boleh jadi sangat complicated macam ini? aku jadi bosanlah kena fikir perkara-perkara yang perlu aku buat dan yang perlu dielakkan. these unwritten laws. contoh, kalau fuck buddies kau tidak boleh tunjuk cemburu sangat or apa-apalah. promiscuous and shits. banyak sangat klasifikasi.

jadi, sekarang ini, lelaki atau perempuan yang harus dipersalahkan for complicating things? the easiest way i guess is for the two individuals to straighten things out. ada risikolah di sini. tapi siapa yang mahu mulakan? dan kalau the other party seorang yang suka melarikan diri dari straightening things out, memang sengsara.

currently, lebih kurang macam aku.

he's the one that you see sometimes on t.v.

di hujung filem itu, ada view pantai di waktu subuh. walaupun air waktu pagi adalah air pasang, tapi shot camera jauh, buat scene lebih dramatik. di langit pula ada seekor burung yang terbang, circling the same spot. juga ada silhoutte a couple holding each other. satu kombinasi yang sempurna, kan? everything. because it's a movie. movies memang perfect macam itu.

bukan macam hidup kita yang sebenar. once in a blue moon sahaja kau akan come across scenes macam ini.

ada kawan aku tag di Facebook satu questionaire yang ada kena-mengena dengan past relationships. well, this is fun.

you can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare

Mili replied to my last night's ever so depressing text:

'i think one day he'll wake up and realize that he was stupid enough for playing the game and didn't give you the chance you deserve. you're wonderful in every way and you don't need him to help you see that. you'll get what you want just the way you want it, all you need to do is believe in yourself. ;)'

aauuww...mesti kamu semua cemburu i got a sweet sister macam ini. i'm so happy today despite the rain and missing breakfast session with Ledisordre (i'm really sorry!). i mean, i can't help it, the sky's a nice shade of blue and Beyonce's videoclip for Sweet Dreams is stunning.

eh. tapi part 'wonderful in every way' hanya rekaan semata-mata (memang ayat kiss-ass pun).

But you'd better watch your step, girl

lebih kurang dua minggu lepas, Vans muncul. malam yang aku beritahu Mili, "aku taktau kenapa, tapi aku macam ada satu rasa yang Vans's gonna be here tonight." about an hour after i told her that, he texted me up. apparently, he was in the area that night and saw my sister at another place nearby. instincts, they're freaky. especially yang kau rasa macam ada connection kuat dengan kau. anyway, so i told myself that the feeling's not there anymore. he's just gonna text me up and then will be gone the next day. he said he texted me up pasal dia rasa guilty for not keeping in touch for the past few months. the time when i realized i was too naive for my age. aku rasa kita memang perlu ada classes yang mengajar perkara-perkara sosial sebegini. untuk orang-orang macam aku yang sebenarnya tahu that the thing's wrong tapi saja mahu try test.

jadi Sabtu malam aku main lagi sofa pusingnya. it's addictive, i tell you. the best sofa, so far. we talked and teased like nothing went wrong before. dan waktu dia cerita tentang his dream job, aku hanya perhatikan riak mukanya dalam gelap. bila sampai part yang dia mahu ke States to further his studies, ada satu macam force kecil dalam hati aku yang meronta. why does everyone that i like have to leave the country? i should be the one leaving the country with all these personal commotions. how unfair. tapi belum pasti lagi if he's gonna leave or not. but i was very fascinated by his big dreams. ada satu part macam aku mahu look up to him like an elder brother. ada satu part he's just so hot.

ya. i'm falling for him all over again bilamasa aku tahu he's something like fire. his friend's words kept repeating in my head, "he breaks girls' hearts la."

aku benci angau. can't wait for it to be gone!

white light will bathe your pillow

last weekend, ada dua deaths. Yasmin Ahmad dan ayah Anne. ucapan takziah kepada mereka yang berkenaan. may their souls rest in peace. Anne nampak tenang. on the way back to her house selepas pengkebumian, she said something about malam Isra' dan Mi'raj akan ada 50 orang yang meninggal dan orang-orang itu adalah antara yang baik-baik (please correct me here if i'm wrong). jadi aku rasa Anne redha dengan pemergian ayahnya. he passed away on Sunday morning, masa yang senang untuk diuruskan.

perkara-perkara macam ini akan buat aku fikir apa yang akan jadi when it happens to me nanti. will i take it easily atau aku akan terlalu murung kerana kehilangan? aku tidak begitu pasti pasal aku mengaku iman aku tidak sekuat Anne's. tapi aku mahu jadi orang yang mandikan Emak bila dia pergi nanti. kalau tidak aku akan rasa bersalah seumur hidup. dan regret dalam hal ini bukan perkara yang remeh.

if you don't mind, it doesn't matter

pergi Seremban, aku dapat tiga pasang kasut pre-loved. hi-cut boots, Oxford heels, Oxford men. black, black, black. baru saja beberapa minggu lepas ada orang tanya aku suka beli apa dan aku jawab aku ikut mood, it's been a while too since i've bought shoes. 3 pasang kasut dari bundle dan satu sandal dari Carrefour = balas dendam. tapi kau jangan risau, aku cheapskate jadi berapa sangatlah yang aku spent over the weekend. petang Ahad i found out about the fashion market di tengah busy area tapi nasib baik aku seorang pemalas jadi aku pergi ke rumah Abah. harapan untuk ambil basikal BMX along rupanya sudah dihantar ke kampung. jadi sambil chomp, chomp ayam Mexico, Mili menjahit mata lalat disebelah with Abah constantly hisap paipnya, kami berborak tentang world history. i've always been fascinated by history. di sekolah aku macam 50-50 lah suka sejarah tapi waktu kolej, walaupun repeat kelas art history, in the end aku sangat suka. paling suka kalau ada soalan suruh define the paintings. i was able to remember the year of the paintings were made tapi sekarang jangan cuba-cuba tanya aku. google kan ada.

kemudian dari world history masuk topik tentang orang Inggeris dan culture mereka. the Americans dengan denims dan T-shirts-nya. and then Abah cerita pasal his nurse yang berkahwin dengan matsalleh dari U.K. yang rupanya macam sangat tua, tapi umurnya tidaklah sangat. dia kata it's normal anyway for them to look so mature (boleh refer pada Britnay Spears di tempat kerja aku, she's only 22 and yet umur dia nampak macam jauh sangat dari aku). "i think it's your mindset lah, that makes you look youthful or otherwise." and Abah agreed. Mili memang panas lah pasal selalunya people will either think we're twins or she's the elder sister.

jadi pagi tadi aku decide, kalau ada orang tanya umur aku berapa, i'll just say, "guess. whatever number that comes up in your head, will be my current age."



Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. - Mark Twain