mandrem

remember what your mom said?

"cari yang sayang kau lebih."

maksudnya...bagi dia makan nasi kangkang ke?

life is somewhat fair enough

yes, i shall be a wife one day. a fat one at that. and my husband will leave me for a younger skinny, pretty girl but that's okay because as long as i stay a loyal wife, God shall place me in heaven (where there are other single men resembling Jon Kortajarena or Pharrell Williams or Anthony Kiedis)

eh. have to stay a loyal wife & also loyal to God. of course

Elle said, "we can never get everything,huh?". I replied, "mestilah. pasal kita pun tak bagi Tuhan everything He asked for."

tentang Ahmad

ceritanya bermula dengan lampu neon warna-warni, loud music, intoxicated crowd dan sepasang sneakers. Nike to be precise. owh, dan sofa malas favourite masing-masing yang bertandang. i don't know him, haven't seen him before tapi aku tidak pasti kenapa i was suddenly attracted to him. yes, a crush. at that time, i was someone else's. but it's just a crush, right? i tried to make conversation but he doesn't talk much. well, neither do i. setahun lebih agaknya aku layan crush-stalking online. secretly wanted to be at the same venue that he's attending. but i didn't really made any move pasal apparently he's a friend of a friend and you what they say about dating someone from your same circle of friends: nahas.

tapi aku memang suka konon tunjuk gangster jadi i decided untuk cari pasal. what exactly triggered me was the fact that i was dating someone else at the moment and he seemed serious about it jadi aku cuak. aku fikir, let's just try my luck asking the sneaker guy out before i get serious with anyone. he doesn't talk much jadi aku assume he won't agree. tapi bila aku beritahu dia hajat di hati, he asked, "so when?". kau rasa positive remark dari a crush rasanya macam mana? of course cloud nine. so we went for a date. then twice and thrice and a few more. after about two years single, suddenly he said he was ready for a relationship. of course i freaked out because i knew from the beginning i don't fit his bill at all. like, if there's a casting session, belum sempat isi borang, aku dah forfeited. when i asked him why he decided on me, he said, "i can't explain it but you're..something." jadi sampai hari ini aku masih tidak tahu apa yang buat dia mahu aku. bilamasa aku tanya, dia hanya akan jawab yang itu atau change the subject.

i have doubts. dulu dan sekarang the doubts are taking over. jadi aku perlu sesuatu yang mutlak untuk aku lepaskan nafas lega. sayang itu ada tapi still, something's missing. i know i'm being selfish pasal sibuk cari chemistry. salahkah kalau aku rasa chemistry itu penting? Andre kata aku patut chill. aku mahu but i couldn't help myself from comparing.

kalau rindu patut saja cari dan hug him from behind, sifat aku macam itu. tapi why should i go to that spot again when i know that things between us won't change? he'll still be ignorant like that, i'll still keep on finding chemistry/faults/what-nots. Anne said, "while we're busy being choosy, other people are being choosy too. so try and compromise." aku rasa aku dah cuba compromise but to no avail. or it's just me being very spoiled by my past love-encounters. tapi kalau malas mahu fikir lagi, shows that you don't really care pun, kan?



"he loves me but i love you more
he loves me but i love you more"

jual mahal

the idea is for you to always want me.

that's why i will never be yours.

out with the old, in with the new

kau luahkan kata-kata hate. curse automatically whenever you hear his name. kau spit on the ground that he walked on. bila bulan mengambang, kau menyalak.

tapi aku dan yang lain-lain nampak, ayat-ayat yang kau jaja tidak diakhiri dengan noktah. instead it's all tears.

perempuan, sakit boleh hilang tapi parut luka masih kekal. tapi tidak perlu gusar pasal ada make-up to cover it all up.

besides, kau ada barang baru. while wiping your tears and blowing that period with your shisha smoke, have fun with your new toy.

game

let's put it this way. kalau kau boleh complete friday prayers for a month, i'll stop smoking. okay? kalau kau tipu aku, it's not my problem pasal ini soal agama.

overload

i'm not perfect. jadi aku kira aku perlukan someone to perfect me up. may i please have two instead? some-two?

cita-cita

yang buat aku cemburu adalah passionate people. macam carine roitfeld, anthony kiedis, hedi slimane. aku rasa kalau 10 tahun lepas aku jumpa passion aku, mesti aku sudah jadi antara mereka yang berjaya dan separuh puas hati dengan hidup ini. malangnya aku terlalu banyak buang masa on trial and error. bila error, aku give up. and took me sometime to try out other stuff. 30 sudah dekat tapi aku masih goyang kaki mencuba sana sini.

dulu, aku bercita-cita mahu jadi veterinarian. and then a fashion designer. i ended up as a talentless graphic designer. i failed at seeding this passion in graphic design. sekarang pula, aku bercita-cita mahu live a hippie life in Bali. okay? tapi zaman sekarang pun, kau nak jadi hippie wajib ada duit.

have you seen this movie called The Guitar? i want that.

two cents plus two different things maybe equals to zip.zero.nada

as i get older (matang belum pasti), i think it's cool for guys to show their love publicly for their partners and also wouldn't mind wearing baju batik (jawa) to weddings. just my 2 cents.

on another note, am i just creating issues or it's not a halucination of me not feeling the love? he said "i know you love me." that's because i told him so. and what he told me too. so i know too. but still, something's missing. i can't feel it jadi itu pasal aku tanya sama ada dia rasakah this love i'm channeling?

love-doubts

sayangkah bila most of the time kau hanya fikir about running away to a distant place, alone?

money is the root of all that kills

so he looked into my eyes and said, "you macam ada problem."
me? problem? wrong. problems. yes.

this current job's not paying well, i don't know if i should be wanting to get married soon or not, i don't have the confidence of starting this street 'thing' and i secretly believe that the world's gonna end in 2012 but here i am, masih yang sama.

problems, sayang. banyak.

dan duit, sayang. aku mahu banyak.

hobby

in my spare time, i like to create issues. what an anal.