As ridiculous as dysfunctional

Hari ini aku rasa mahu mengadu, menangis dan mengenang this path that i've chose, di sini. Path yang sebenarnya menyusahkan hidup Charlie dan obviously, hidup aku.

This is the only place where i know nobody would judge me, the only place di mana aku boleh breath freely. Hari ini aku rasa semak dengan perkara-perkara yang holding me back; friends, time, distance, desire.

You tweeted Guba's You & Me, is that some sort of a cue for us to break up? I wish i can read minds. I wish you could read mine.

Bila hantu-hantu semalam datang bersama experience yang sarcastic

She said, "leave".

Defensive

Kipling berseloroh, "Di kalangan para penipu, pada satu masa, yang paling penipu adalah ketakutan kau sendiri."

Juga lebih kurang macam in-denial lah.

I have a friend called Happy and he's good at making people think he's always happy

Dulu aku suka tanya soalan bodoh: Are you happy?

Always bila aku tanya aku tidak pasti jawapan sebenarnya tapi aku rasa it's a stupid question to ask walaupun the reason hanya mahu kill the silence.

Or mungkin aku mahu dengar: I'm happy but not that happy now that you're gone.

Damn aku suka rasa kemenangan. Yes, aku kira semuanya hanya permainan semata. I bet i look like a damn serious person but hey, kau tidak tahu apa yang sedang berlaku dalam kepala otak aku.

Sangkut di tengah-tengah

I'm in that situation again where i'm stuck in the middle. Dulu, between girlfriend & boyfriend. Hari ini, between girlfriend & her enemy/rival. Currently, i'm taking pattern making class upstairs in one of the studios. Bergurukan dengan a talented someone who have history sama Elle. I'm in the same office as Elle jadi you can imagine betapa susahnya mahu get to class in the evening. Why i put myself in this situation again pasal aku rasa history mereka macam perkara remeh, gaduh over blog dan masing-masing pun memang mulut laser. Haihh..but guru is a talented passionate person & her class is affordable & dekat dengan rumah, offer paling flexible so far.

I know i'm a bad girlfriend, selfish. I don't know how long i can keep this to myself.

Reconsider

Aku rindu my dearest Blogspot so so much :(

The new place doesn't feel homey at all. Terlalu terang for my emotions.

Senandung mendung

Been seeing you in my sleep. Everyday. For a week now. Like deja vu, just a different person. I like seeing you in my sleep but not every night because i don't like this in denial feeling of the fact that i'm still here, not moving anywhere. It's like waiting for something that i know will never arrive. Such a waste of time.

Lately, whenever i write here, i have an image of you in my head, sitting in front of me. Macam having a conversation dengan kau but not exactly having one. Bunyinya macam orang gila but heck, it's not like you're reading this anyway. Dan readers yang singgah sini bukannya tahu how i look like or how you look like. So kita safe. I gotta say, this dark space is my comfort zone. Tapi yang bermula pastinya akan berakhir.

I should stop all this nonsense. These sappy pathetic writings, whether it's a therapy or not, if it's working or making things worse. Looking back, aku macam tak sangka that i've been posting since 2007. Wow, i'm that pathetic huh? I do love writing, tidak kisahlah yang masuk akal atau pun tidak dan aku pun tidak kisah if ada yang tidak faham, so be it. I decided long time ago that my writings are subjective so up to the readers what they understand from it. It's like a piece of art. Kau fahami ikut cara kau sendiri.

I will miss this. A lot. Tapi macam harapan, one day kau perlu berhenti.

Macam barang-barang preloved yang aku jual. Sayang mahu let go tapi kalau dibiarkan nanti buat semak kepala. So..is this it? Is this goodbye?

Call me back

I dreamed that one of the boys told me you wanted to see me. I was weirded out but at the same time sort of excited.

Weirded out because you're not that type who would wanna see me and then pass the message to your friends. Weirded out pasal kita bukan type yang cari balik.

Lucid dreaming. I think i'll watch Science of Sleep to sleep tonight. Like how i used to.

Black, black heart

If you miss me, come see me.

But if i miss you, i don't think it's a good idea to come looking for you. If i come just to see you from afar, i'll be labeled as gila bayang. Stalker. A psycho, probably.

Kenapa eh, kita terhalang oleh perkara-perkara unwritten, to say out loud? Macam tiada freedom of speech, pasal takut di-label. Kenapa manusia suka me-label sesuatu? Manusia adalah makhluk paling misteri di dunia.

Atau perkara-perkara unwritten sebenarnya wujud for our own good? A shield. A protection.

Namanya ego.

Suami Elle kata lelaki sebenarnya susah mahu move on. COME ON. That's a total lie. Everyone knows species merekalah yang paling cepat move on. Or maybe he's the sentimental type. Mungkin nasib aku memang hanya akan bertembung dengan yang hati kering. Hati kering macam aku (ex-boss cakap).

Let's just be cruel for our own pleasure. Hurt other people instead of getting hurt myself. I hate myself for being bitter & skeptical but i guess it's the only solution to face the coming days.

I hope he had the time of his life

Segala yang bermula, pasti ada akhirnya. A new life born, another life gone.

Innalillah wa-inna ilaihi raji'un. Al-Fatihah.

Bila penat, kita stop

Aku macam sudah mula penat dengan perkara-perkara sementara. But i wouldn't mind a hug. A familiar friendly hug. Comforting. Macam connection.

Vans ajak main sofa pusing. 2-3 kali, but i declined. Guess i'm not into it/him anymore. Asked for a favor and wanted to repay me by getting me high. I didn't really like the idea. Whatever he did to me back then, subconsciously, it's happening to him.

I still wonder if these letters sampai ke tangan si penerima atau tidak. Surat-surat yang aku hembuskan ke langit malam. Aku harap angin tidak curi tulang.

I shall get that ride to reality pasal aku rasa macam aku sudah jauh hanyut in my own world of stop-motion animation.

Sweet, sour and salty times

The Notebook: If someone can give you a reason to why they love you..they don't love you, they like you. Love is based on emotion not definition.

Despite all the coldness, i must've loved you for what you are/were. Five months gone and still i miss you. Of course the part that i miss the most is annoying you. How i messed up your back-then-Bieber hair, ran my fingers on your face, through your hair and all over you. Dirty huh? You're so much fun when it's just the two of us. But i'm too selfish to share you. And you're too uptight to be with me.

I miss you. Aahhh..you're so hot when you say "No!"

:)