As ridiculous as dysfunctional

Hari ini aku rasa mahu mengadu, menangis dan mengenang this path that i've chose, di sini. Path yang sebenarnya menyusahkan hidup Charlie dan obviously, hidup aku.

This is the only place where i know nobody would judge me, the only place di mana aku boleh breath freely. Hari ini aku rasa semak dengan perkara-perkara yang holding me back; friends, time, distance, desire.

You tweeted Guba's You & Me, is that some sort of a cue for us to break up? I wish i can read minds. I wish you could read mine.

Bila hantu-hantu semalam datang bersama experience yang sarcastic

She said, "leave".

Defensive

Kipling berseloroh, "Di kalangan para penipu, pada satu masa, yang paling penipu adalah ketakutan kau sendiri."

Juga lebih kurang macam in-denial lah.

I have a friend called Happy and he's good at making people think he's always happy

Dulu aku suka tanya soalan bodoh: Are you happy?

Always bila aku tanya aku tidak pasti jawapan sebenarnya tapi aku rasa it's a stupid question to ask walaupun the reason hanya mahu kill the silence.

Or mungkin aku mahu dengar: I'm happy but not that happy now that you're gone.

Damn aku suka rasa kemenangan. Yes, aku kira semuanya hanya permainan semata. I bet i look like a damn serious person but hey, kau tidak tahu apa yang sedang berlaku dalam kepala otak aku.

Sangkut di tengah-tengah

I'm in that situation again where i'm stuck in the middle. Dulu, between girlfriend & boyfriend. Hari ini, between girlfriend & her enemy/rival. Currently, i'm taking pattern making class upstairs in one of the studios. Bergurukan dengan a talented someone who have history sama Elle. I'm in the same office as Elle jadi you can imagine betapa susahnya mahu get to class in the evening. Why i put myself in this situation again pasal aku rasa history mereka macam perkara remeh, gaduh over blog dan masing-masing pun memang mulut laser. Haihh..but guru is a talented passionate person & her class is affordable & dekat dengan rumah, offer paling flexible so far.

I know i'm a bad girlfriend, selfish. I don't know how long i can keep this to myself.

Reconsider

Aku rindu my dearest Blogspot so so much :(

The new place doesn't feel homey at all. Terlalu terang for my emotions.

Senandung mendung

Been seeing you in my sleep. Everyday. For a week now. Like deja vu, just a different person. I like seeing you in my sleep but not every night because i don't like this in denial feeling of the fact that i'm still here, not moving anywhere. It's like waiting for something that i know will never arrive. Such a waste of time.

Lately, whenever i write here, i have an image of you in my head, sitting in front of me. Macam having a conversation dengan kau but not exactly having one. Bunyinya macam orang gila but heck, it's not like you're reading this anyway. Dan readers yang singgah sini bukannya tahu how i look like or how you look like. So kita safe. I gotta say, this dark space is my comfort zone. Tapi yang bermula pastinya akan berakhir.

I should stop all this nonsense. These sappy pathetic writings, whether it's a therapy or not, if it's working or making things worse. Looking back, aku macam tak sangka that i've been posting since 2007. Wow, i'm that pathetic huh? I do love writing, tidak kisahlah yang masuk akal atau pun tidak dan aku pun tidak kisah if ada yang tidak faham, so be it. I decided long time ago that my writings are subjective so up to the readers what they understand from it. It's like a piece of art. Kau fahami ikut cara kau sendiri.

I will miss this. A lot. Tapi macam harapan, one day kau perlu berhenti.

Macam barang-barang preloved yang aku jual. Sayang mahu let go tapi kalau dibiarkan nanti buat semak kepala. So..is this it? Is this goodbye?

Call me back

I dreamed that one of the boys told me you wanted to see me. I was weirded out but at the same time sort of excited.

Weirded out because you're not that type who would wanna see me and then pass the message to your friends. Weirded out pasal kita bukan type yang cari balik.

Lucid dreaming. I think i'll watch Science of Sleep to sleep tonight. Like how i used to.

Black, black heart

If you miss me, come see me.

But if i miss you, i don't think it's a good idea to come looking for you. If i come just to see you from afar, i'll be labeled as gila bayang. Stalker. A psycho, probably.

Kenapa eh, kita terhalang oleh perkara-perkara unwritten, to say out loud? Macam tiada freedom of speech, pasal takut di-label. Kenapa manusia suka me-label sesuatu? Manusia adalah makhluk paling misteri di dunia.

Atau perkara-perkara unwritten sebenarnya wujud for our own good? A shield. A protection.

Namanya ego.

Suami Elle kata lelaki sebenarnya susah mahu move on. COME ON. That's a total lie. Everyone knows species merekalah yang paling cepat move on. Or maybe he's the sentimental type. Mungkin nasib aku memang hanya akan bertembung dengan yang hati kering. Hati kering macam aku (ex-boss cakap).

Let's just be cruel for our own pleasure. Hurt other people instead of getting hurt myself. I hate myself for being bitter & skeptical but i guess it's the only solution to face the coming days.

I hope he had the time of his life

Segala yang bermula, pasti ada akhirnya. A new life born, another life gone.

Innalillah wa-inna ilaihi raji'un. Al-Fatihah.

Bila penat, kita stop

Aku macam sudah mula penat dengan perkara-perkara sementara. But i wouldn't mind a hug. A familiar friendly hug. Comforting. Macam connection.

Vans ajak main sofa pusing. 2-3 kali, but i declined. Guess i'm not into it/him anymore. Asked for a favor and wanted to repay me by getting me high. I didn't really like the idea. Whatever he did to me back then, subconsciously, it's happening to him.

I still wonder if these letters sampai ke tangan si penerima atau tidak. Surat-surat yang aku hembuskan ke langit malam. Aku harap angin tidak curi tulang.

I shall get that ride to reality pasal aku rasa macam aku sudah jauh hanyut in my own world of stop-motion animation.

Sweet, sour and salty times

The Notebook: If someone can give you a reason to why they love you..they don't love you, they like you. Love is based on emotion not definition.

Despite all the coldness, i must've loved you for what you are/were. Five months gone and still i miss you. Of course the part that i miss the most is annoying you. How i messed up your back-then-Bieber hair, ran my fingers on your face, through your hair and all over you. Dirty huh? You're so much fun when it's just the two of us. But i'm too selfish to share you. And you're too uptight to be with me.

I miss you. Aahhh..you're so hot when you say "No!"

:)

Making up the past

Ahad. And i'm at the office.

Hari ini patut dihabiskan dengan berlari, the whole day. Dari hujung ke pangkal or just in circles tapi bukan lari setempat. Kalau malas, patut bury yourself in books. You don't have to read them if you don't feel like it, just bury your body. Books, magazines, comics, albums, paperbacks, hardcovers. But not newspapers pasal warnanya tidak begitu menarik. Dan cerita-ceritanya terlalu straight-forward dan real. And really, you wouldn't wanna be feeling like a nasi lemak wrapped in suratkhabar.

Sunday patut jadi dreamy dipenuhi warna-warna monotone. Macam filem vintage. Down memory lane tapi jangan silap pilih jalan yang akan buat kau rindu.

Great choreography (Adele - Daydreamer)

Be kind rewind

Jangan bodoh sombong, kelak kau akan tersadung. Jangan lupa diri, nanti kena tapik di dahi.

Always be nice to people because you will never know who's going to help you in the future. Itu hari kau bad attitude dengan kami, hari ini kau offer diri. Mungkin kami bukan target market untuk business kau, but we have friends that might be of good use to you. Dan semua orang tahu betapa powerful-nya kuasa word-of-mouth. But i gotta say this, aku respect pasal kau sanggup turunkan ego kau dan approach. Points given.

And for goodness's sake, you are human so please act like one.

Update: Half point ditarik balik pasal you didn't say thanks. Tsk tsk. Shame on you.

And she's clinging to the nearest passer by, she's lost control

Fictionita: Wahh..i can imagine u doing ur thang pastu videoclip org main bowl, pastu awek2 pakai bikini sunbathing tepi2

Puppy: Gile gile..ishh

Fictionita: Imagination kena WILD

Puppy: Omg

Fictionita: Mende?

Puppy: U wild sgt

Fictionita: Hahahaha..tahpape

Puppy: Patut la Ahmad marah. Hahahahahahaha

Fictionita: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

The worst feeling in the world is when you know you're losing someone & there's nothing you can do to prevent being replaced

"You ok?"

Aku iyakan saja walhal at that moment waktu aku pandang mukanya ada ayat transparent terapung depan mata; I'm scared to see you with someone else.

Emptiness is loneliness

"So kau nangis-nangis pegi jumpa dia, kira nak balik kat dia la?" Freja tanya.

Aku terdiam. Jari-jemari mahu tekan punat-punat atas keyboard tapi kemudian terhenti. I tilted my head to the right, mata pandang skrin tapi macam mati akal.

Hmm.

All i wanted was to touch him, bury my face in his T-shirt and cry. And i did get what i came for.

Betul Mili cakap, "They think we're happy, with friends & parties. They think we're strong but deep inside we're just lonely people."

Rubah bukan root word perubahan

Semuanya sedang berubah, manusia makin lupa tentang akar mereka, siapa diri mereka. Semuanya bersusah payah untuk fit in dan bilamasa mereka sudah fit in, they leave you. They leave behind the people that they really care about untuk bersama mereka yang doesn't really give a damn.

Mungkin sebab seseorang itu berubah adalah kerana all the lesson learnt, to be a better person. Or maybe because they've been hurt too much. So they change to protect themselves from feeling weak. Because weakness itu memalukan, no?

You know, i always worry about you. I mean, bila kau sedih, who do you turn to? Bila kau happy, dengan siapa kau mahu high-five? Must be this feelings for you aren't fake pasal aku suka mahu ambil kisah.

Or maybe it's just me being me, suka mahu fikir banyak-banyak, worry banyak-banyak.

Dan masih tiada jawapan untuk soalan 'Kenapa?'

Aku teringat sms yang kau pernah hantar dulu, sounded something like this;

'sayang, dah la tu eh? u paranoid sangat ni. i sayang u la'

Kalau aku cerita pada kawan-kawan kau, i bet they think i made this up. On how actually you're a sweet person too beneath that monotonous body language of yours. Yang kau pernah twirl me after The Rapture gig (which totally surprised me that time because i don't remember telling you yang aku memang longing for someone to just hold my hand and twirl me). Tapi kau macam aku, ada walls cuma simen aku gred C dan simen kau gred A dengan lapisan keluli. And now aku paling risau kalau kau pecah tembelang yang sebenarnya aku tidaklah se-hot yang diuar-uarkan pasal untuk jadi hot, confidence is a must.

Aku masih rindu kau dan sepatutnya aku cari kau tapi i guess i have to keep my promise and stick to the plan, huh? I wish i could be as good as you at being cold hearted.

Dan untuk melupakan kau sepenuhnya, i shouldn't be posting anything yang ada kena-mengena dengan kau lagi, bukan?

Tapi goodbyes ni macam satu tusukan di dada, macam bucu skateboard yang tercampak di tengah-tengah rusuk. Tiada darah instead kecederaan dalaman, hurts like hell.

Trendy for the fun of it so let's make fun of it

Hidup kita tidaklah sesusah mana, mahupun senang. And life is not unfair, it's actually fair pasal kalau selalu sangat di atas roda, nanti lupa daratan lalu jadi angkuh kemudian memakan diri sendiri. Aku kira, hidup di kota memang agak susah, to catch with everything around us. Eventhough the escalator here in kota durjana tidak sepantas di kota singa, but still, pembangunan berkejaran sesama sendiri. Termasuk individu yang terlibat dalam sistem harian kota durjana. Each of us racing to grab our identities. Siapa yang dulu, siapa yang tiru. How everyone avoided to be everyone else but at the end of the day they became the majority.

Anne datang singgah makan late Italian lunch. We had a conversation about kids hanging out at Pavillion, trends and hipsters. Weird, but i always cringe at the word 'hipster'. Probably because i'm one or maybe not. Dan aku selalu pity mereka yang di gelar hipsters pasal you can't help it, really. Mungkin perkara yang sama terjadi 20-30 years ago but i really don't know. Should google up facts or wiki things up but i'm just too lazy. Aku cuma mahu type apa yang aku rasa tanpa dipengaruhi oleh anasir or M. Nasir, whichever.

Okay. I think i have an issue with tumblr. People reposting stuff from other peopl who repost stuff from other people too. Aku selalu pening mahu cari the real source, but what the heck, in this century, nothing's original anymore. Terlalu banyak idea yang sudah disuarakan, didebatkan. Sorry, aku macam annoyed sikit tapi sukahatilah kau mahu tumblr ke, blogspot ke, wordpress ke. Kalau passion kau memang yang itu, tidak perlu pedulikan orang lain. I'm just typing what i'm feeling at the moment. Hey, maybe in 2 years time i might have my own tumblr. Who knows? They say, "never say never".

Among my siblings, i decided that i'm the black sheep. Even Anne agreed that i'm the fucked up one. I don't really communicate with my parents (like how they don't communicate at all with each other) like i'm the only one who can't sit and have a chat with them even for a mere 10 minutes pasal kemudian aku senang restless. Sometimes, aku harap yang aku boleh jadi cermin for both of them. Sometimes, aku sedih memikirkan situasi aku yang macam terabai tapi selalunya aku cuba tolak tepi the fact that i came from a broken family. Masa muda (oh tidak, aku tidaklah setua mana pun sekarang) i always pictured a broken family is where the dad is a drunkard, mom always crying, they're always fighting, loud cries from the children, broken vases, you know, benda messy macam itu. Jadi i always told myself that we're not really a broken family. Tapi aku kira, for someone from a totally picture perfect family would feel sorry for me. perbandingan masing-masing lain (like how a friend totally tekankan bahawa aku seorang hipster dan socialite walhal aku rasa ada orang yang lebih layak to be labeled that).

Satu hari yang depress, i decided to get a longboard. I've always wanted to try it, so i say, "why not?". Funny, i'm more confident when standing alone, single. Oops, timing salah pasal apparently seorang lelaki Melayu forecast bahawa longboard will be the new fixie. Hmm..i can't say much to that pasal like what i said earlier, kita semua berlumba-lumba mahu look cool, feel cool. Mahu label siapa otai and the likes. Bahh, aku hanya mahu be good at balancing, paddling and being single.

I'm 27, broken hearted and just started taking up longboard. I am so having a mid-life crisis.

So, to get over depression, lebih baik main longboard dan jadi trendy atau end it all dengan suicide?