hello mother leopard

the call tone stopped. at that far away end, a voice answered.

"hello..? are you heartbroken?"

a muffled reply.

"i'm sorry. is the damage big? i assume it's just a small crack, no? i'm sorry too i can't be the one to mend it though i wish i am the person to do so. but i just couldn't bring myself to it."

silence on the other end.

"but it will heal. i've been through this. took me a few hours, days, months, but i managed. besides, you've got that ego of yours. that will mend it alright."

click.

bizarre love triangle

lebih kuranglah.

awal-awal, aku cakap (konon dengan penuh confident) yang aku rasa aku sudah ada quite an amount of expriences dalam hal perasaan. jadi hati macam jadi batu sikit. mungkin takut commitment. well, kau kata kau faham. dan kau juga yang boldly made a statement yang kau tidak pernah patah hati. aku pula, telan saja bulat-bulat statement kau itu. decided that it'll make things easier.

tapi sekarang bila kau berseloroh pasal konon tergila-gilakan aku dan sort of patah hati, apa cerita? next time, kalau bawah pengaruh alkohol, please don't text me up. serba salah, okay? serba salah.

dan bucu lagi satu, you're driving me crazy! plan aku hanya mahu cuba sekali, i seriously didn't see the current situation coming. aku jadikan kau my hiding place bila aku sudah mula freak out nampak awan dalam bentuk C-O-M-M-I-T-M-E-N-T berarak ke arah aku. sweet that you're trying to be nice and all (ketara nampak kau macam really trying) but do you like me because you know about my past? wait. in the first place, do you actually like me back?

apa benda semua ini, aku tidak mengerti. macam leceh, now i feel like getting out of the triangle. fair and square, kan? so sekarang memang aku tidak berhati perut ke?

fuck it. i should just enjoy the date tomorrow. torture kau habis-habis. while it lasts, huh?

look pretty young but i'm just back dated

itu hari, i told a friend, "i nak lelaki yang tak banyak cakap tapi passionate." he said, "susah tu." well, not that i already know that.

dulu, aku suka main kejar-kejar. i was attracted to less loud guys pasal konon layan misteri dia, layan perasaan curious aku. bila curious dan aku siasat parts yang kononnya misteri, i found faults. bukan statement bongkak tapi bila the other party bagi positive respond, i freaked out then blah senyap-senyap.

rupanya, hingga ke hari ini that same perangai masih linger inside of me. err...is that me being fussy/choosy?

some holy shit karma's gonna get me one of these days.

like an electric eel

pagi tadi aku cerita dengan Mili pasal mimpi aku malam tadi. ada scene di mana aku mahu mandi but the shower area berada di tengah-tengah kedai makan yang agak sarat dengan customers.

then, Mili said, "kan Mili dah cakap, you have the fetish of being naked in front of a crowd! dah banyak kali mimpi macam tu, kan???"

now i'm doubting myself.

siri mimpi: don't give up on the dream

mimpi ini aku ingat, tahun lepas. i was standing behind a big crowd in the middle of a field. it was a familiar place; KL PAC di Sentul. ada lagu blaring from some giant speakers. it was a really big crowd but somehow i got through it. ada juga muka-muka yang tidak puas hati tapi aku tolak tepi pasal sewaktu aku berlari ke depan, hati aku macam berdebar-debar. then, i got to the front of the stage. atas stage, ada Placebo. terus aku menangis and i shouted, "kenapa takde orang bagitau aku Placebo datang KL???!!!"

thanks Fat Boys kerana bakal merealisasikan mimpi aku. i'll figure out a way to get to Molko, get his hands and kiss it. I.DON'T.CARE.

yeah you

haters. owh, where do i start?

pandai kau buat statement konon lawan arus. anarchy shit. bukan judgmental? well then, tolonglah define yourself.

"an innocent by-stander" should be the last thing that come out of your mouth. atau jangan keluar langsung.

don't forget, you're currently licking your own spit.

turn it around again

lelaki, bagi aku petua untuk tidak bosan dan seterusnya jatuh cinta. aku rasa it's time untuk jatuh cinta pasal aku sudah makin lupa that feeling.

tapi commitment macam bukan a bundle of joy, aku rasa. macam beban, eh? no?

brakes on, brakes on

lately aku macam rasa liat hanging out with one of my girlfriends. aku tidak pasti kenapa. maybe pasal aku macam tidak minat sangat dengan those people she's hanging out with? not hate them cuma not interested. or i'm just being judgmental. crowd yang itu macam ada suatu air yang buat aku rasa kecil. macam lagi tekan self-esteem aku jadi rendah.

dan Anne, apa jadi pada mimpi-mimpi kita dulu when everything that we have now doesn't really matter back then? adakah kita sedang mengejar mimpi-mimpi yang sama?

dan Elle, apa jadi pada so-called ideology kau waktu pakaian kau banyak merangkumi checks dan plaids? capitalist, feminist dan segala perkara yang hujungnya ada -ist.

dan aku, apa benda yang aku cari setiap hujung minggu waktu aku memandu dan parked the car dan melintas jalanraya ke arah gua putih yang ada loteng kecil dihiasi lampu-lampu neon walhal sebenarnya aku memang sangat pasti perkara yang aku cari sesungguhnya tidak ada di situ.

mana hilangnya mimpi-mimpi carefree kita?

but don't pressure me

last weekend i watched 500 Days of Summer for the second time at Anne's place. waktu pertama kali menonton that movie, i fell in love with her character. tapi bila aku tonton untuk kali keduanya, i didn't find it interesting anymore. tidak macam The Science of Sleep where i can watch it over and over again. Anne wasn't very impressed with the movie though. said something about how the director suap bulat-bulat apa yang audience mahu. well, ada truth in her opinion. anyway, so i wanted to be like Summer, carefree and innocent bitch like that. because i'm vulnerable dan selalu rasa macam dipergunakan. tapi sebenarnya, after watching it at Anne's place, i realized, aku sudah ada 80% of Summer's character. quite cold and ignorant. well, in the movie it seems that the word 'vulnerable' doesn't exist in her life dictionary but the movie is all about Tom's perspective. so probably, of course, Summer does have her own vulnerable moments (for God's sake, it's just a movie). iya lah. mungkin selepas Summer berkahwin, dia bercerai dan datang mencari Tom semula. okay. itu movie lain.

the crap that i'm trying to make a point out of is that, hey, sebenarnya aku pun boleh tahan cold dan slightly carefree. of the things i've experienced, buat aku jadi cold, ignorant dan selfish. tapi bukanlah keseluruhan. just to some people yang seeking confirmation. sort of. sekarang aku macam bangga konon aku tidak begitu vulnerable. but i'm ready to laugh at myself in the future nanti pasal aku tukar fikiran macam tukar baju.

sorry pada yang rasa aku perangai macam sial. i couldn't help it. layan texting sudah. tidak perlu ajak aku lepak pasal aku malas mahu act nice. kalau text, i can just daze off somewhere.

kids

i hope, my sons and daughters will let me teach them about the world, nonetheless, in the future because obviously at that time, the world will be another planet to me. like how ours is different from our parents' time. i hope they're gonna give me the chance to say out my opinion too even when they know things are way different.

keep myself riding on this train

warna jingga, ungu dan kelabu.

aku sendiri tidak faham kenapa aku mahu sedih sedangkan this is what i wanted in the first place. terasa bodoh lalu aku menangis. but at the same time laughing at myself for being so fucken funny.

pathetic. oh so pathetic.

buat apa mahu sedih kalau kau tahu dia yang sebegitu rupa, not worth a shit pun. but it's the whole thing. the whole 'i will never be' thing. i didn't want it to be an item tapi aku sedih.

pasal in the end, bukan aku yang dipilih. you know? the 'never will be' person.

am i THAT bad? what? cheap slut? sampah sarap? you've finally realized that, huh? good then.



dan Tuhan. oh Tuhan. He's one funny guy full of sarcasm. itu pasal aku sayang Dia.

pit stop

ada pemabuk talking out loud yang sedang dipapah oleh temannya yang setia, passed by. ada silent moment dalam kereta.

"you menyesal tak about what happened that night?" aku tanya. ada riak berfikir on his face.
he answered, "tak."

aku pandang jauh luar dari kereta. "i menyesal."

aku pernah cakap, golden triangle ini, kota durjana. banyak dosa-dosa nafsu bergelimpangan.