siri mimpi: don't give up on the dream

mimpi ini aku ingat, tahun lepas. i was standing behind a big crowd in the middle of a field. it was a familiar place; KL PAC di Sentul. ada lagu blaring from some giant speakers. it was a really big crowd but somehow i got through it. ada juga muka-muka yang tidak puas hati tapi aku tolak tepi pasal sewaktu aku berlari ke depan, hati aku macam berdebar-debar. then, i got to the front of the stage. atas stage, ada Placebo. terus aku menangis and i shouted, "kenapa takde orang bagitau aku Placebo datang KL???!!!"

thanks Fat Boys kerana bakal merealisasikan mimpi aku. i'll figure out a way to get to Molko, get his hands and kiss it. I.DON'T.CARE.

siri mimpi: kereta Ford lama di Batu Pahat

padanlah sesat.

we were in the car; i was sitting at the co-driver's seat. Mat yang menggilai Supra(1), was driving. Mili and another girl, who kept silent the whole journey was sitting behind. surroundings di luar kereta mengingatkan aku kampung di Batu Pahat. jalan tanah merah. Monger sibuk menelefon on my mobile, suruh aku datang cepat to his booth. apparently ada some kind of bazaar. after a few turns, we found the bazaar. it something like Bijou Bazaar but the place macam rumah kampung yang ditinggalkan. the rest waited in the car when i tried to find Monger's booth.
on my way back to the car, ada lori jual tilam(2) parked at the entrance of the bazaar. i saw Mili macam sibuk-sibuk tengok bantal dan Mat macam sedang lovingly peluk bantal kekabu, said something about missing those type of pillows. i got annoyed with him acting like that so i shoo-ed them to the car. and then, standing by the car was the other girl with us. she was holding a vintage dress in front of her and when she saw me looking her way she asked, "okay tak?" i was weirded out pasal she was silent the whole journey and kind of looked like a snob. i just told her, "okay lah."
then all of us got into the car and that's when i realized Mat's Ford Cortina's windshield was painted in white. i was so shocked but i remember the look on Mat's face that time. he had his usual thick-black frame glasses with a really nerdy look on his face. it was a funny sight but i got angry and annoyed. i simply said, "jom lah naik kereta lain. macam mana nak tengok depan ni?!" jadi kami keluar kereta dan miraculously ada sebuah kereta, model yang sama cuma berwarna hitam (or was it orange?) parked in front of us. when we got in that car, the silent girl smirked and said, "tapi kereta ni takde radio."



(1) that night we went to The Curve and i was looking through some magazines and i kept thinking about what Mat said on the importance for me to get a signature style.

(2) rupanya ada lori jual tilam sedang lalu-lalang depan rumah.

and yeah, i'd love to own a classic Ford Cortina. or Mustang.

tentang mimpi

dulu waktu aku masih anak kecil, aku kerap bermimpi pergi ke suatu tempat. satu, macam auditorium yang bangunannya looked so 70's. yang satu lagi, kampung arwah nenek aku. yang peliknya, the 70's-looking auditorium tidak wujud dalam reality begitu juga kampung yang aku mimpi kan itu. tapi aku ada 2-3 kali mimpi ke tempat yang sama. yang itu malam waktu aku rasa rindu akan kampung arwah nenek aku, aku pergi ke kampung yang dalam mimpi. bukan yang ada di realiti. seingat aku, the last time i dreamed of going to that 'kampung' was way back in secondary school. setelah sekian lama, aku kembali ke kampung yang sama cuma dengan keadaan yang macam maju sikit.
i'm just curious. kamu semua ada mimpi sebegitu kah? going to the same place in your dreams, yang tidak wujud in reality pun, berulang kali?

siri mimpi: dooms day dan rindu

I:
there were a bunch of us di hujung long beach, port yang selalu kami berjemur everytime we're on the island tapi ada lagi satu macam teluk kecil di sebalik batu-batu itu. dan walaupun tempat itu macam hanya di malysia, perasaan aku kata kami berada di phuket. we were playing with the waves. air biru laut(1) made us giggling, jumping around melayan waves after waves. suddenly ombak jadi besar and hit us hard. we started to hide behind those rocks. aku lihat ke arah laut yang terbentang luas. aku teringat tentang tsunami(2). buat aku gerun. dan suddenly it was night time and we were preparing ourselves for the beach club. ada beberapa buah kereta mewah(3) parked outside the club. funny pasal bukannya ada jalanraya pun atas pulau itu. i saw a girl yang mukanya macam mischa barton(4), wasted dengan satu kaki terkeluar dari tingkap kereta mewahnya. then i looked around and searched for mili(5). ada instinct cakap dia dengan lelaki tua(6) yang bekerja di salah satu beach clubs along the beach itu. i found her walking next to a man and she told me not to worry. the old guy, he wasn't friendly towards me because he knew i was going get mili away from him.


(1) some time before falling asleep, i was staring at the clear blue water of perhentian on my laptop.
(2) yesterday ben said something about this western people who are planning to drill a hole in the earth. for real. and he said maybe it's like a sign of dooms day. mestilah aku jadi takut.
(3) ada orang forward sms pada aku tentang perhimpunan MLM dengan kereta mewah mereka. aku macam jelek.
(4) girlfriend housemate aku sebelum ini muka dia iras mischa barton. aku tidak tipu. cuma dress up-nya tidak sesuai sikit.
(5) we were texting each other before i slept..
(6) she has fallen for a 40-year-old guy. married with kids.

kemudian aku terjaga dari tidur.

II:
kami berempat(1) di dalam kereta, aku tidak pasti dari mana tapi jalan yang kami lalui sangat familiar. jalan kampung yang sedikit meriah than before. ada gerai-gerai menjual hasil cucuk-tanam dan produk desa di bahu jalan. aku teringat yang jalan itu adalah jalanraya di kampung negeri sembilan aku. sitting at the back of the car, aku toleh kiri dan nampak rumah arwah nenek(2). aku rindu jadi aku minta cikna(3) pull over so i can check that place out. jalan ke rumah nenek sangat curam so i climbed tanah merah yang dah dibentuk jadi tangga itu. it took me a while to get to the top. then i saw the kampung area was busy with people walking around. macam suasana yang kau tengok dalam filem p. ramlee cuma berwarna. i remember the colours of the dream were bright: yellow, orange, bright green, bright blue. aku rasa sangat rindu. macam sayu.


(1) the evening before we had berbuka puasa together. minus the other guy. the colleagues i used to take a ride with when we first started working in cyber.j.
(2) aku rindu awe (that's what we called her). i can't remember the lastnight we went to her grave.
(3) it was his birthday we celebrated the evening before.

siri mimpi: buku ATP, 1994

we were there again, in cherating. the same chalet next to the stables(1). i saw a white horse with those black freckles(2). cuaca agak panas. i was hanging out on the porch, membaca buku yang macam buku teks sekolah. cuma nipis sedikit, macam buku kemahiran hidup tapi bersaiz segi empat sama. the book was written by Mm(3), about his college days at LUCT(4). the book was about why he failed his course: because he always helped his coursemates studying for exams. aku selak pages by pages. dia senaraikan antara coursemates-nya yang berjaya yang salah seorangnya adalah karl lagerfeld(5) dan aku macam terkejut tapi masih percaya yang fashion icon itu pernah belajar di LUCT. next to the profile picture, ada a little description macam ini:

KARL LAGERFELD
(nama sebenar adalah 'henri')

dan aku mengangguk sambil mulut aku berbentuk 'O'. aku selak-selak lagi kemudian aku tengok cover buku. kau ingat time kalau karaoke lagu melayu, sebelum lagu start akan keluar title dan ada model lelaki yang konon macho habis pose frust bercinta sambil merenung jauh? Mm was doing the exact pose for the book's cover. aku tidak gelak, hanya pelik jadi aku cari tahun publication buku itu. 1994(6). owh. no wonder. aku belek-belek lagi dan back cover pula ada gambar bekas teman wanitanya yang berbibir mungil itu. posing maut. aku tidak rasa sangat pelik pasal tahun publication-nya adalah 1994.



(1) mungkin aku semangat sangat mahu return to cherating after raya nanti for the surf competition(no. i do not surf) which some of my friends would be there. i also got a missed call from geng in the middle of my slumber.
(2) kuda favourite yang dulu selalu aku intai setiap kali lalu di UPM on the way to work.
(3) sebelum tidur aku baca blog dia dan aku rasa comel pasal dia tidak kisah untuk hari-hari ke subang.
(4) aku suka his current girlfriend jadi aku klik blog dia pula. she's studying in LUCT.
(5) sebelum tidur, aku sempat juga melayari facebook dan tengok kawan aku menggayakan jeket karl lagerfeld yang berharga RM2000 or RM4000. lebih kurang.
(6) siangnya aku baca blog jebon tentang kisah puasanya pada tahun 1994.

laut yang tidak mungkin kau nampak dengan mata kasar

dalam kepala aku, ada satu lautan. kira-kira seluas infiniti. laut yang airnya warna biru kehijauan, langitnya biru sedap mata memandang. ada awan yang pelbagai bentuk.

tapi yang paling favourite, awan yang teksturnya macam pasir di pantai waktu air surut.

dalam laut itu, ada aku. i am no longer the daughter of the ocean that you are drowning in. i am the daughter drowning in my own ocean. tenggelam-timbul ombak mengacah aku. ada suara-suara mengelilingi aku. ada yang membisik, ada yang mengherdik. air laut rasa masin, persis rasa airmata kau yang aku jilat waktu memujuk. airmata semua rasanya sama kah? mungkinkah ada airmata yang rasanya macam lolipop yang warna merah, yang anak-anak kecil seronok kemam dalam mulut. dewa mimpi, i imagined, sangat cantik yang aku memang pasti airmatanya rasa manis buah. jadi aku agak keliru kenapa dia, semacam dengki akan aku. perlukah kau tiupkan mimpi-mimpi komplikasi ke dalam tidur aku? yang bermain-main dengan perasaan. tell me what i have to do to be your dear friend. a friend with benefits pasal aku ingin sangat tahu apa yang satu itu sedang mimpikan tatkala bulan di atas itu bercahaya kuat, melayan lagu-lagu rindu bagi yang tidak dapat melupakan. dan mungkin kau akan bisikkan ke telinga aku tentang perasaan jujur si dia itu. i'd give anything just to know. anything.

unspoken words

yang ini aku belajar dari past experiences. some things are better left unsaid. but most of the things are not. unspoken feelings for instance, boleh buat kau tidak puas hati. boleh buat kau jadi gila.
tentu kau tidak dapat meneka bahawa aku nampak kau dalam tidur. berhari-hari lamanya. dan tentu sekali kau tidak pernah terlintas pun untuk meneka bahawa ada satu malam, we made love in the water. with protection.

mimpi

kita hanyalah sebuah mimpi.

tapi mimpi ini akan sentiasa tergantung di hati mewarnai ruang putih
kerana kamu, pada aku
adalah warna-warna yang buat aku terbang
kamu, adalah suatu ciptaan unik
aku, suka akan warna-warna yang kamu calit
pada hati yang dahulunya hanya berwarna konkrit
kamu, will forever be my colours

this is what john painted, from his heart. whether it's honesty or just being plain romantic, i'm gonna eat it. it's okay. i like the feeling of being an inspiration to someone getting back on his feet. the five stars stands for m-i-m-p-i (dream). the painting consist of multiple layers (if you see closely, you can see some drawings beneath the green). he asked me to snap a favourite angle. i chose a star. without me noticing it, when zoomed in, there are two dots. he asked what it meant. i shrugged. "maybe us?"

but then again, we're only dreams to each other.