tentang mimpi

dulu waktu aku masih anak kecil, aku kerap bermimpi pergi ke suatu tempat. satu, macam auditorium yang bangunannya looked so 70's. yang satu lagi, kampung arwah nenek aku. yang peliknya, the 70's-looking auditorium tidak wujud dalam reality begitu juga kampung yang aku mimpi kan itu. tapi aku ada 2-3 kali mimpi ke tempat yang sama. yang itu malam waktu aku rasa rindu akan kampung arwah nenek aku, aku pergi ke kampung yang dalam mimpi. bukan yang ada di realiti. seingat aku, the last time i dreamed of going to that 'kampung' was way back in secondary school. setelah sekian lama, aku kembali ke kampung yang sama cuma dengan keadaan yang macam maju sikit.
i'm just curious. kamu semua ada mimpi sebegitu kah? going to the same place in your dreams, yang tidak wujud in reality pun, berulang kali?

siri mimpi: dooms day dan rindu

I:
there were a bunch of us di hujung long beach, port yang selalu kami berjemur everytime we're on the island tapi ada lagi satu macam teluk kecil di sebalik batu-batu itu. dan walaupun tempat itu macam hanya di malysia, perasaan aku kata kami berada di phuket. we were playing with the waves. air biru laut(1) made us giggling, jumping around melayan waves after waves. suddenly ombak jadi besar and hit us hard. we started to hide behind those rocks. aku lihat ke arah laut yang terbentang luas. aku teringat tentang tsunami(2). buat aku gerun. dan suddenly it was night time and we were preparing ourselves for the beach club. ada beberapa buah kereta mewah(3) parked outside the club. funny pasal bukannya ada jalanraya pun atas pulau itu. i saw a girl yang mukanya macam mischa barton(4), wasted dengan satu kaki terkeluar dari tingkap kereta mewahnya. then i looked around and searched for mili(5). ada instinct cakap dia dengan lelaki tua(6) yang bekerja di salah satu beach clubs along the beach itu. i found her walking next to a man and she told me not to worry. the old guy, he wasn't friendly towards me because he knew i was going get mili away from him.


(1) some time before falling asleep, i was staring at the clear blue water of perhentian on my laptop.
(2) yesterday ben said something about this western people who are planning to drill a hole in the earth. for real. and he said maybe it's like a sign of dooms day. mestilah aku jadi takut.
(3) ada orang forward sms pada aku tentang perhimpunan MLM dengan kereta mewah mereka. aku macam jelek.
(4) girlfriend housemate aku sebelum ini muka dia iras mischa barton. aku tidak tipu. cuma dress up-nya tidak sesuai sikit.
(5) we were texting each other before i slept..
(6) she has fallen for a 40-year-old guy. married with kids.

kemudian aku terjaga dari tidur.

II:
kami berempat(1) di dalam kereta, aku tidak pasti dari mana tapi jalan yang kami lalui sangat familiar. jalan kampung yang sedikit meriah than before. ada gerai-gerai menjual hasil cucuk-tanam dan produk desa di bahu jalan. aku teringat yang jalan itu adalah jalanraya di kampung negeri sembilan aku. sitting at the back of the car, aku toleh kiri dan nampak rumah arwah nenek(2). aku rindu jadi aku minta cikna(3) pull over so i can check that place out. jalan ke rumah nenek sangat curam so i climbed tanah merah yang dah dibentuk jadi tangga itu. it took me a while to get to the top. then i saw the kampung area was busy with people walking around. macam suasana yang kau tengok dalam filem p. ramlee cuma berwarna. i remember the colours of the dream were bright: yellow, orange, bright green, bright blue. aku rasa sangat rindu. macam sayu.


(1) the evening before we had berbuka puasa together. minus the other guy. the colleagues i used to take a ride with when we first started working in cyber.j.
(2) aku rindu awe (that's what we called her). i can't remember the lastnight we went to her grave.
(3) it was his birthday we celebrated the evening before.

wildest dream. so far

last night, i had the wildest, most weird dream ever. well, so far. yesterday i had dinner at my mom' place: ikan patin masak tempoyak. mak's really good at cooking. duh. who doesn't like their mom's cooking anyway. so the dream started with me hanging out at a kampung kitchen with all my aunts kecoh-kecoh gosip sesama sendiri. i was sitting next to someone at the stairs, listening to their updates when mak teh suddenly asked a question to the person next to me. it was john. and the question that she asked made us kind of blush and i pulled him away from the situation. we went to the living room (it was a kampung house but unfamiliar to me) and my other cousins were there, watching t.v. then i woke up. i brought john to my kampung? haha. mungkin penangan masak tempoyak.
in the next dream-scene, i was standing naked somewhere and then i had an intercourse with a gay. i didn't look up to his face at first but when i did so, BOY. it was kas-kas. seorang gay yang cantik kalau jadi perempuan, sangat handsome kalau jadi lelaki tulen. he had always grab my attention. sigh. weirdly, it was kind of a full-force thing we did. then i woke up. i've never had a full session of an intercourse in a dream. sekali dengan gay daa... lastnight, before the sleep, i went and meet john and his friend and i remember talking about him being a gay (john). when we were driving back to their workplace, there was this transvestite waiting by the road and his thigh awed john. weird fetish that we just had to laugh and tease about.

but i did wash my feet before i go to bed lastnight. i wonder what went wrong.

empty is worthless

can you fill me in?

i've come to realize that i have nothing. nothing inside, nothing to give, nothing to share. exactly like an empty jar. i have no passion, no talent and it feels like all the things up in my head, from school, college and mistakes have been drained along the way. my colour has gone dull and you can't spot any lights on me anywhere. even the slightest bit. i'm no longer good at anything that even my cat left me.
"azuki dah balik?"
"belum."
"nanti dia balik lah. jangan sedih, okay?" 'heart tried to sooth me.
"mmhmm..."
"hey, jangan sedih"
-
"you? hello?"
-
"dengar tak?"
"mmhmm...okay" my eyes couldn't hold back the tears. as i said before, i hate to be alone, helpless and dependent. mungkin naluri curiosity kejantanan azuki sudah membuak. or he doesn't love me anymore.
i had a dream last night. la science des reves was playing on the laptop before i dozed off into my own personal movie. abah was still a dentist but his clinic, instead of the big government facing the traffic of the city, was just a small one, in one of the shop lots in front of central market. i came and pick him up from work, he was smiling. he told me of a friend named kopi that he always have philosophical conversations with. out of the corner of the clinic came a guy with a black t-shirt, cargo shorts, black baseball cap & glasses and waved towards abah. weird. that particular kopi looked exactly like that SDN blogger. the dream was brown in colour like of those vintage movies. somehow, mimpi itu buat aku bahagia. buat aku rasa perasaan sewaktu kami semua masih sebuah keluarga. a dream that i wouldn't mind re-playing over & over again. aku macam kehilangan. rasa rindu. tapi tidak begitu pasti apa yang dicari, apa yang dirindui.

elm, please kiss me instead

"do u know that u're hot?" and after i heard about what happened to him, i was glad he smiled.

& now his skinny pale body is lying across my bed. his hair covering part of his peaceful face. the LED clock beaming 6.00am. i guess he was exhausted from the party & the movie i asked him to watch with me. it's creepy how 'heart is only 10mins drive from my place plus two of his good friends live in the same house as i do. elle, she shook her head to the idea. which obviously meant, i'm on my own. slowly, i took charge of elm's camera. i clicked his white foot, his toes, his hair, eyelashes, ears, long fingers with yellow nails from the cigarettes we smoked. amazingly, his lips was pink. from a glimpse, u'd mistaken him as a girl. that's what made me drool over him: the fact that he does somewhat look like a girl. though i don't know him personally, i've got a feeling he really is a sweet thing deep inside. he mumbled, & i froze. but he dozed off to sleep again. i come nearer to his face. click. click. he slowly opened his eyes. realizing i was taking his pictures, he hide his face under the pillow. i took a sip of my sampoerna. wait for him to show his attractive face.

"pandai ke amik gambar?"
"u can just delete it if it's not good." i shrugged & exhale sinful smoke.

elm, who kissed coke. & now he's an addict.
i wonder how he would react to this fantasy of mine...

my european and japanese

if only i was given the chance of choosing a girlfriend to hold my hand when crossing the road. to sit, lip-locked by the wishing fountain of Paris. or just to snuggle in her hair that smells like my own childhood memories. i'd kiss her every night & blow sweet dreams towards her. i'd tell irina how i miss her when she's doing her runway. how i miss having tea with scones with a red rose sticking in her hair on her left ear. she knows how i envy her model friends so much that she'd call me & tell me how she misses me like the moon in the night sky. inhaling smokes with her makes me fantasize of things reality can't get hold of. i'd then tell kazu that she sounded like the sweetest thing whenever she sings her heart out. we'd lie around lazily in her orange lit room that smells like rain. i'd make fun of her italian duo & she'd laugh, making her eyes into just lines. whenever she's on tour, i'd listen to her guitar strums that she left for me. i love how she adores my curls & how she likes to twist it around her index finger. we'd sketch each other nude & hang it on our wall of hearts. & she'd sing me her elephant woman to send me to my slumber.

i'd like to have both of them. irina lazareanu. kazu makino. all to myself.