yang kita tidak mahu

yesterday evening anne called all the way from the island up north. mengadu mahu bunuh diri pasal semua di sana berpasangan kecuali dirinya. mengadu tiada yang mahu menolongnya mengangkat her belongings. mengadu bahawa mungkin she's so used to having someone to put on sun-block lotion on her back. sayang, tidak perlu bunuh diri pasal aku pun ada perasaan yang sama. perasaan yang kosong. kau ingat freda? aku dan dia confident yang kami akan grow old alone so she suggested for us to work hard now so that later when we're old we're going to build our own retirement house. tapi aku rasa itu sudah lari dari idea growing old alone. the thought of it makes me shudder. satu hari john. j tanya aku soalan yang pelik. 'kamu tak nak apa?' and i replied his sms with 'i don't wanna grow up alone and go crazy.' pasal malam sebelumnya walaupun dalam keadaan mamai, aku sempat habiskan menonton Requiem for a Dream. to grow old alone, jadi gila dan tiada sesiapa yang mahu menjaga aku adalah satu mimpi ngeri. i know i whine a lot tapi aku tidak mahu kisah hidup aku jadi salah satu kisah cerekarama di hujung minggu. kawan-kawan memang ada di sekeliling tapi bukannya selalu mereka mahu melayan perasaan aku yang kosong. atau perangai mengada-ngada. semuanya punyai masalah masing-masing. tidak perlu ditambah lagi beban-beban itu. aku rindu berpegangan tangan. juga asking freely for hugs to calm me down. "at least kau ada john. j." but we are not each other's. dan lagi susah kalau both of us are in denials. sometimes i feel like a burden to him. kerap dia ucapkan tentang kepentingan persefahaman dan mungkin aku ada masalah dengan itu. bukannya aku tidak faham, aku mahu faham. perbandingannya lebih kurang begini: aku tahu hujan boleh mendatangkan demam tapi aku masih bermandi hujan just for the fun of it. get it? and for me to be pissed at a certain situation, kadang-kadang buat aku rasa guilty pasal who am i kidding? who am i to be pissed anyway. aku tidak ada hak untuk berperasaan begitu. no strings attached, kan? berpaut lah aku pada sisi bangunan konkrit itu sampai tangan letih dan tidak dapat menampung lagi lalu jatuh di atas jalan tar. gatal mahu get involve, kan? i'll just wait for that bruises coming my way. owh. aku sudah dengar ia berdesir datang.

empty is worthless

can you fill me in?

i've come to realize that i have nothing. nothing inside, nothing to give, nothing to share. exactly like an empty jar. i have no passion, no talent and it feels like all the things up in my head, from school, college and mistakes have been drained along the way. my colour has gone dull and you can't spot any lights on me anywhere. even the slightest bit. i'm no longer good at anything that even my cat left me.
"azuki dah balik?"
"belum."
"nanti dia balik lah. jangan sedih, okay?" 'heart tried to sooth me.
"mmhmm..."
"hey, jangan sedih"
-
"you? hello?"
-
"dengar tak?"
"mmhmm...okay" my eyes couldn't hold back the tears. as i said before, i hate to be alone, helpless and dependent. mungkin naluri curiosity kejantanan azuki sudah membuak. or he doesn't love me anymore.
i had a dream last night. la science des reves was playing on the laptop before i dozed off into my own personal movie. abah was still a dentist but his clinic, instead of the big government facing the traffic of the city, was just a small one, in one of the shop lots in front of central market. i came and pick him up from work, he was smiling. he told me of a friend named kopi that he always have philosophical conversations with. out of the corner of the clinic came a guy with a black t-shirt, cargo shorts, black baseball cap & glasses and waved towards abah. weird. that particular kopi looked exactly like that SDN blogger. the dream was brown in colour like of those vintage movies. somehow, mimpi itu buat aku bahagia. buat aku rasa perasaan sewaktu kami semua masih sebuah keluarga. a dream that i wouldn't mind re-playing over & over again. aku macam kehilangan. rasa rindu. tapi tidak begitu pasti apa yang dicari, apa yang dirindui.