yang kita tidak mahu

yesterday evening anne called all the way from the island up north. mengadu mahu bunuh diri pasal semua di sana berpasangan kecuali dirinya. mengadu tiada yang mahu menolongnya mengangkat her belongings. mengadu bahawa mungkin she's so used to having someone to put on sun-block lotion on her back. sayang, tidak perlu bunuh diri pasal aku pun ada perasaan yang sama. perasaan yang kosong. kau ingat freda? aku dan dia confident yang kami akan grow old alone so she suggested for us to work hard now so that later when we're old we're going to build our own retirement house. tapi aku rasa itu sudah lari dari idea growing old alone. the thought of it makes me shudder. satu hari john. j tanya aku soalan yang pelik. 'kamu tak nak apa?' and i replied his sms with 'i don't wanna grow up alone and go crazy.' pasal malam sebelumnya walaupun dalam keadaan mamai, aku sempat habiskan menonton Requiem for a Dream. to grow old alone, jadi gila dan tiada sesiapa yang mahu menjaga aku adalah satu mimpi ngeri. i know i whine a lot tapi aku tidak mahu kisah hidup aku jadi salah satu kisah cerekarama di hujung minggu. kawan-kawan memang ada di sekeliling tapi bukannya selalu mereka mahu melayan perasaan aku yang kosong. atau perangai mengada-ngada. semuanya punyai masalah masing-masing. tidak perlu ditambah lagi beban-beban itu. aku rindu berpegangan tangan. juga asking freely for hugs to calm me down. "at least kau ada john. j." but we are not each other's. dan lagi susah kalau both of us are in denials. sometimes i feel like a burden to him. kerap dia ucapkan tentang kepentingan persefahaman dan mungkin aku ada masalah dengan itu. bukannya aku tidak faham, aku mahu faham. perbandingannya lebih kurang begini: aku tahu hujan boleh mendatangkan demam tapi aku masih bermandi hujan just for the fun of it. get it? and for me to be pissed at a certain situation, kadang-kadang buat aku rasa guilty pasal who am i kidding? who am i to be pissed anyway. aku tidak ada hak untuk berperasaan begitu. no strings attached, kan? berpaut lah aku pada sisi bangunan konkrit itu sampai tangan letih dan tidak dapat menampung lagi lalu jatuh di atas jalan tar. gatal mahu get involve, kan? i'll just wait for that bruises coming my way. owh. aku sudah dengar ia berdesir datang.

we are our fortunate accidents

serendipity. yes, i love how the word sounds. a fortunate accident. something that’s not a surprise for a dreamer like me to hold on to. did you know of a movie of this title? starring kate beckinsale and john cusack, the whole story revolves around destiny, faith, fate and of course, serendipity. hmm…i’m already considering that for my daughter’s name. i received the movie from a friend two nights ago, in fact i received a couple of movies too but dragged of watching it. i chose enchanted (which i watched half-way because the cd got stuck), then moved to 27 dresses (cerita kahwin-kahwin), the last 6 episodes of gossip girls (season one) yang juga ada kena-mengena dengan perkahwinan, a korean movie called once upon a time in high school then after much hesitation, baru aku proceed with serendipity. the reason i dreaded watching the movie was because aku tidak mahu perasaan aku dipengaruhi. tapi seperti biasa, aku kecundang juga. but with restrictions. aku suka tengok cerita cinta yang memakan masa, contoh macam a lot like love: cerita cinta yang datang dan pergi dan akhirnya decided to stay forever. okay. i’m not sure if it’s forever or not pasal segala yang bermula biasanya ada ending, kan? tragic or dramatic, depends on the situation. there were a couple of scenes from the movie that caught me off-guard. salah satu, sewaktu both of them were searching information about the other person, the song playing at that time was st. germain’s rose rouge. salah satu lagu favourite dalam double cd paris lounge’s 1st edition. i think i got the cd like, 5 to 6 years back. and somebody that i were to meet in the future have heard of it too, in his favourite movie. ironically, i’ve watched this movie once, way back, but i’ve never realized the song before. the next scene which made me replaying it several times was this time when john cusack finally gave up on finding the mystery girl because the clues that his friend and him got led let them to a bridal shop (well, he was about to get married but insisted on finding this mystery girl). when he told his friend that he should just proceed with the wedding, the friend, who was so against on finding the girl in the first place, thought john cusack was absurd and shouted “that’s lucid!”. yeah, he practically screamed out my cat’s name. tersedak si montel yang degil itu sekejap. tersedak 2-3 kali juga pasal aku asyik replay the scene just to get it right. a word that i got so fond of (from my favourite term, lucid dream). aduh. aku rasa menyesal pula tengok movie tu. now i have things trying to make sense in my head. or somebody should slap me to get some senses in my ever questioning mind. memang ketara aku seorang dreamer yang tegar, tapi i don’t practice believing that well. pasal semuanya hanya sekadar mimpi saja. jadi selepas dua scene yang agak menggoyangkan itu, i said to myself: i need a third sign and that’s it. but then again, what it? pasal perlu ke aku get involve again. cukup lah kerosakan yang aku alami. okay. so i decided just for the fun of it.
and i did find it. the third thing: a high end brand and a feather-like fish. ikan yang aku bela sejak tahun lepas, dipengaruhi oleh sebuah movie korea, ili mare.

owh. nampaknya terbukti movies does a lot of things to me. it even decides on how i live my life. haha. sebenarnya terbukti yang aku ini, walaupun skeptical, terlalu senang untuk dipengaruhi.
sayang, you're a fortunate accident. an accident that will reduce the percentage of me tripping over in the future.

snap your fingers and the love will vanish

just like that.

back then, waktu aku selalu berkhayal, selalu juga aku fikirkan bahawa pasangan-pasangan mana yang bercinta, tidak mungkin akan hilang cintanya untuk satu sama lain dalam sekelip mata. lebih lagi yang sudah bercinta untuk sekian lamanya. but last night i had my dose of gossip girl (series 13-18) where my favourite couple broke up overnight. and the conversation i had with ex-heart yesterday, made me change my mind. for four years i've been dating a jerk. or he wasn't before but he is now. apa-apa pun, aku macam kecil hati dengan perangai yang ditunjuknya semalam. sampai hati dia melontarkan kata-kata begitu kepada aku. but maybe he became who he is now because of me. he does have a good side to him because then i wouldn't have fallen for him four years back. tidak mengapalah pasal semuanya pun sudah lepas. yes, it seems that i shouldn't be playing along in this game of hatred but it's kind of hard when we still see each other in the office.
jadi cinta itu memang boleh hilang dengan sekelip mata sahaja, sekaligus dengan perasaan belas kasihan. a saddening fact i just have to face. it seems that i'm not the one looking out for your faults anymore. but it's you, who asked me to think wisely, are doing it now. i'm asking you to just recall whatever happened in that four years we were together. the good, the bad, the ugly. dan jangan lupa tentang karma, ya. please.

the worst in me

you know, aku selalu sunyi. when i told elle that i don't know how to mingle around, she rolled her eyes. tapi hakikatnya memang betul. everyday, i make believe that i have the confidence of facing the days ahead but inside, the glass is not even half-full. most of the time, i wouldn't mind being alone. and another most of the time, aku jadi gila just being alone. things, craps kept playing in my head, provoking with my own emotions. lately, i felt invisible. dari dulu lagi, walaupun nampak macam i have a big circle of friends, i'm always the one left behind. though i'm loud, outgoing sometimes, but really people, you don't know what goes on behind this closed door.
the other night, john.j said that it'll be unfair for me to be with him. ada sedikit hampa dengan statement itu tapi it didn't really bother me. sebab dua, tiga hari kemudian, as i thought about what he said and the happenings around me, i decided that instead of unfair for me, it's actually unfair for him to be with me. currently, i'm not in a good state to jump to another relationship. pelbagai hutang yang belum selesai. last night, i realized i can't handle jealousy quite well. i hate jealousy because it could drive me mad, brings out the worst in me. dan tempiasnya sudah tentu akan terkena pada mereka yang berdekatan. yang buruk biar aku seorang tanggung. yang lain hanya perlu gembira, bukan susah hati kerana aku yang selfish ini. i don't want to burden those people i love. ya, pemikiran aku cetek macam ini. pemikiran aku bicara tentang kebahagiaan si teman, bukan gundah-gulana yang datangnya dari aku. buat apa mahu hidup semati dengan aku kalau susah yang perlu ditempuhi? that's why i left my previous relationship. at this moment i think i'll end up alone until i die because i'm no angel myself. i don't think i can bring pure happiness to my future partner/s.


minggu lepas, aku pathetic.



semalam, aku rasa john. j hot. gila.





hari ini, aku sunyi.

conversation tentang perempuan

lelaki. light up a cigarette. come and have a conversation with me.

kenapa perlu bergundah-gulana kerana perempuan? kenapa kau perlu rasa yang perempuan itu perosak seseorang lelaki? mereka manusia. punya perasaan. kadang-kadang complicated macam kau juga. the real secret to tame a girl is just like A-B-C. kau cuma perlu turunkan satu batu-bata ego kau. dan perempuan yang buat jiwa kau berkocak itu akan melentokkan kepalanya di bahu kau, akan mahu untuk bersama kau selama mungkin yang perlu. all you have to say is sorry. tidak perlu berulang kali untuk menunjukkan yang kau betul-betul menyesal. once is enough because twice is annoying. thrice is like you're not really serious and sincere about it. lelaki tidak perlu melutut di depan perempuan untuk memujuk, hanya mungkin tunduk sedikit. bow a little bit and she'll grab the hand that you offer. kau perlu tunjuk pada dia yang walau apa pun yang terjadi, pangkuan dia yang kau akan cari bila kau kehilangan, usapan lembut tangannya yang kau tagihkan bilamasa semuanya tidak kena. tidak perlu laungkan pada dunia untuk membuktikan kejujuran kau. bisikan di telinganya sudah cukup memadai. kerana apabila kau berlaung, perempuan yang lain, yang tiada kena-mengena akan mula tertarik dan perempuan yang kau cinta, rohaninya akan mula bergoyah, risau. kemudian cemburu buta. dan saat itu kau akan menyesal. kau juga perlu tahu tentang politik. bukan yang dibicarakan di dewan rakyat parlimen. tapi tentang politik cinta. kau perlu bijak mengendalikan kuasa politik kau. ya, politik memang dasarnya kotor tapi untuk menang, kau perlu tahu selok-beloknya.

okay. you can light up another cigarette if you like.

lelaki, yang remeh pada mata kau adalah yang penting di mata dia. leceh, aku tahu itu yang kau sedang ucapkan dalam hati. hal peperangan dunia tidak begitu penting untuk kau masih menggenggam dia. kau cuma perlu mendalami hatinya, layan dia sepertimana kau sendiri mahu dilayan. mungkin dia bukan seperti perempuan yang lain tapi dia masih dipanggil perempuan. trust me, relationship miscommunication always start off from the littlest things. the ones you brushed away because you thought she wouldn't realize to even give a damn about it. jangan sampai tersilap langkah. pasal kemudian kau akan pening dibuatnya. tapi jika kau sudah pun tersadung, tidak mengapa. say sorry and admit what you did wrong. really. it's that easy.

lelaki, perempuan tidaklah sepayah yang kau sangkakan.

second chances

for lunch today, pizzas were served in celebration of the boss's 60th birthday. tapi tiada gunanya pun makan banyak sebab akan terkeluar juga nanti. owh. sudah keluar pun. since last week, the purging and vomiting came back to haunt. dan aku paranoid untuk tidur. because every morning at 3am-4am, i'll wake up with everything rushing back to my head causing emotional breakdowns. weekend, i forced myself to stay awake until the break of dawn so that i'll be very tired, sleep and only wake up when the sun's come up. friday, aku macam hilang akal. mundar-mandir tanpa arah tujuan. mahu tidur and forget everything but was too paranoid waking up alone in the middle of the night and cry for something that i should have stopped long time ago. pictures are manipulatives but they tell 1001 stories. when i saw those pictures, rasa macam ada satu kuasa yang menikam dan menoreh aku dari belakang. i shouldn't have, should i? pasal aku tahu sebenarnya mulut saja yang bicara kuat tapi bukan hati dan rohani aku. maybe what i found out are the amended things. like how i said to him. what happened to us couldn't be amended anymore. instead we mend them with the next chapter, different beings. a real fresh start. aku fikir tentang yang lepas-lepas. aku terima bila karma bersuara, "nah. sekarang giliran kau pula. we both know that you've been waiting for this." the conversation with anne last night was refreshing. "he was your first real relationship. the first try selalunya ada silap. the second one, you can be better because now you know the route. and this time, if it goes wrong again, maybe there must be something wrong with you." of course, it takes two to tango.

i'm safe behind these walls

"ni point crush. yang ni point jatuh cinta. i'm in the middle of these two points now."

aku perhatikan gerak-geri jari telunjuk john atas meja makan yang hanya diterangi cahaya lilin. gerai makan yang comel di bahu padang bola, lilin di setiap meja. john kata romantik. orang seni memang macam ini ke, aku fikir. anne said: artistics are romantics. haha. siang hari yang sama, john lead me to taman tasik titiwangsa. so kepada kamu semua, hari minggu yang lalu, aku 'dating'. as dodgy as it sounds like: titiwangsa, candle lit dinner. nasib baik nothing happened among those bushes at titiwangsa. kidding..kidding.. john berper-watak-an aneh. mungkin orang seni memang macam ini, aku selalu fikir. aku dan dia, mempunyai perwatakan yang seakan-akan sama: arrogant, ignorant, selfish. funny. in the early stages he decided we should just be close friends. i said friends with secret desires. sumpah aku tak mengharapkan apa-apa. i was like this naive person who've never been in lust or love, had no idea what to expect from whatever's going on. i'm not sure myself if john actually thought that i was serious about getting involve with him. i'm having a time-off here. another relationship is of course the last thing i'd be considering about. is this right? the night before we went out together, we hung out and i brought anne along though somehow i know she's the last person i should bring to meet any guys that i like. she have this crazy idea of provoking them with straight forward questions. anne, nasib baik kau duduk jauh dari aku or your legs would get sore from continous kickings. she told them about me and my invisible walls to which i said: "hish. manade. manade." seperti biasa, in denial. but as john expressed his feelings yang jujur itu (mungkin jujur, mungkin he just wants the sex after anne brainwashed him about me being sexual in every aspects of life which of course, not true), aku mula ke belakang, belakang, belakang dan menyusun langkah laju meninggalkan john dengan perasaannya. aku hidupkan enjin kereta, cari kedai hardware dan beli seguni simen. pulang ke rumah, aku memulakan kerja biasa: simenkan batu-bata untuk dinding invisible aku. yang indah itu hanya sementara. aku rasa perasaan yang indah itu dalam tiga saat pertama waktu john berkongsi perasaannya dengan aku. rasa macam masa al hulurkan tuala kecil yang di-spray ubat bius kemudian aku inhale dalam-dalam. rasa macam beribu ball bearing melonjak-lonjak dalam badan. pagi isnin, aku masih cool with everything. john text me saying he got an exhibition at the city's art centre. then 'heart spark me up. i was lost in my own mimpi lucid, let the feelings geli-gelikan hati aku, aku terlupa masih ada sesuatu yang belum selesai. sebenarnya sudah selesai, tapi aku pun tak tahu apa yang membuatkannya masih tergantung, terkapai-kapai. 'heart said he needs to breath me to stay alive. so in the midst of happy flirtatious phone messages between john and i, suddenly i went:

"john, kita hanya friends with secret desires, right?"
"why?" john bagai terkedu. dan aku biarkan soalannya tergantung begitu sahaja.

sebab, macam mana kamu buat aku rasa bahagia, teruja, angau pun, i've decided yang kita sudah terlajak. purpose kita berkenalan adalah hanya untuk infatuasi. untuk aku bagi semangat pada kamu, untuk kamu buat aku rasa bahagia, butterflies in my stomach; suatu perasaan yang sudah lama aku tidak rasa. these guilty pleasures yang buat aku tersengih macam orang dungu sambil menggigit jari. falling for each other tidak ada dalam agenda hidup kita.
ok, john. nice knowing you. but i have to get back to my walls now.

the aftermath of taking a break

friday didn't start that good. we had an argument. i was the one who started it. i told 'heart i had enough. my mind was going crazy. i was scared of myself. those psycho girlfriends who wouldn't let their partners to be friends with other girls, who control most of their partners' daily activities: i was becoming one of them though refuse to be among them. my previous aches were not fully healed. i have become paranoid, with burning jealousy and full of hate. i need a break from all these. but 'heart wasn't helping. he said he could change, make things better for me. he said that before but it's all the same. my emotions are sore and my mind's tired. setahun aku sabar tapi malangnya, aku terlalu lemah untuk bersabar lagi. salah aku yang masih mengungkit. only because everything's connected. it's not that i'm not sorry. i am. sad, that this is what's becoming of a relationship that i trusted to stay for a long time. maybe forever. this time, it's my heart that i have to listen to. i had to be selfish. just this once. don't question keikhlasan kalau dalam masa yang sama kau memaksa aku untuk masih di sini. let me heal. if you really love me like you said so, you'll wait right? i still love you. so very much. but being with you currently, is making everything worse. we both need this break. but if at the same time you still do whatever stuff that creates this mess, then there's no point anymore.
last week, i met a guy on the internet. a friend of a friend. a very artsy-fartsy person. also a son of a local known artist. i was fascinated by john. he got this dirty bad boy look and conversation with him makes me smile sheepishly. terngiang di telinga aku pendapat anne dan al: "kau memang suka bad boys hanging out by the bar kan?" which i denied. of course. my middle name is 'denial'. so, yeah. there's just something about the mysterious air surrounding them. in two days time, john got me excited. for no particular reason. and after a long time, i'm sexually attracted to some stranger. no kucing-love business here. he got me thinking of how it would feel to be tasting his lips. he got me parked far away from the toll booth that i had to get out of my car to pay for the toll fees. padah banyak sangat berangan. heee...but, i also have another middle name: 'deep shit'. yesterday lunch, i got a call from a woman who turned out to be, john's mom. gila. i refused her request of conversation by telling her that i was busy cooking lunch (right.) and maybe she'd change her mind after that to call me later. but i guess she was really serious about it because 45mins later, she called again. from her first call, i guess her intention was to stop me befriending him to avoid bad influence yada, yada, yada. but she didn't. instead, the reason she called was to ask me guide john in a good way. kind of depending on me to lead him there. she gave me a lecture on youths nowadays are so ignorant of what's happening around them, that they should work out to get the best of the country and that if we're still bergoyang kaki, the country might end up like Bosnia. sigh. the things i get myself into. apparently, john's a divorcee and his mom said something about some bad-intentioned person putting some black-magic spell on him. and i'm supposed to get him out of his depression mode in a good way. to always turn to God instead of alcohol and happy pills. aunty, sebenarnya saya pun tidaklah sebaik mana, saya rasa saya tidak mampu untuk berbuat sedemikian. but i said okay because i just had to get off the phone. 5mins later, she sms me to not tell john about the phone call. sesuai. owh. i think she got my number from john's sister's phone because he sent me a message using her number. john, why didn't you delete the sent message? now i wish that his mom would just tell me to stop contacting him instead of this. i'm no good with parents. 'heart always had to drag me to his family's house because always, i'd make up excuses to avoid coming over. now this? i guy that i just met last week and his mom's calling me already?? i asked mili if it's a sign to just stick to whatever's here for me and she said: "no. it's a new step. a step to your most avoided zone: parents." i'm skeptical about her opinion. but i'm still thinking about john and his lips. his mom should've been a major turn-off, right? right? right???

we can't always get what we want. but maybe the things that we already have are the ones that we really need.

perubahan yang digeruni

we were young; mind & soul. i was naive. we accidentally met at a club and bumped into each other a month later. he was interested; i was someone's. we wanted to have fun. he wanted me. i secretly wanted him too. he was good looking, he still is now. very stylish with his good sense of street fashion. but he was on my never-to-date list. because of some previous encounters, i tend to judge his circle of friends. well, his friends were my friends way back when the twin towers were brand new. at that time, i believe that i was in love. i dropped the other subject to spend some good driving times with 'heart. he was sweet, attentive & childish. he spoiled me good. he was very conscious of my feelings towards him that after two years, he started to do stuff that he feared of the things i might do. macam curang. twice in a year i got cheated. i felt stupid. after the big break up, through an sms because he was too chickened out to say it to my face, i was lost. sleep was a major problem for me and my emotions were too distracted that i had eating disorder which made me look like a shrunken pear. pucat dan kecut. crying at night was like a routine and anger turned me to some unreasonable someone. at the mention of his name, my knees went wobbly and i was ready to drop & cry. i blamed myself for choosing this path, for not leaving the relationship when it was fresh & young and not deep & passionate. for ignoring the list i did myself in my head: to not mess around with his crowd. i was heartbroken. aku masih ingat rasa sakit itu; pedih, menikam, mengoyak. tapi aku degil. aku tahu, kedua-dua orang yang sayang aku, rasa macam nak tempeleng saja aku when i decided he was the best partner for me to drag along to bali. it was a last minute decision. some guy thatt i wasn't to keen on being my room mate or a guy that i've been sleeping with. i said:
"it's okay. i'm not expecting something big after the trip. kalau nak, nak lah. kalau tak, oh well."
we did it in the bathroom, we took nude pictures, we had the christmas lights chasing us at night & i had wings so that i can reach the turtles i saw in the night sky. i made 'heart miss what we used to have. which made him believe that he wanted to start over, another fresh new start. i, on the other hand thought it was not a good idea. but oh well, we should just give it a try, shouldn't we? he came back, longing for my touch but deep in his heart, was afraid if the reason i agreed was to get back at him. then why came back in the first place if you had that rooted in your mind? but i said to myself: "if he's here, on his knees, he should be willing to change. he wouldn't mind sharing his friends like i shared mine." right. dia buat lagi. dah sekarang ni, siapa yang bermasalah? aku ke? ke aku masih tak faham yang lelaki sememangnya akan berperangai begitu? he said he didn't like some messages from some guy friends so i stopped contacting them out of the reason i was tired of arguments maybe i should just try to be a good partner. but as the question asked before: what good is a relationship when there's revenge & zip.zero.nada trust? i am not sure of my feelings anymore. sayang? memang sayang. cinta...? cemburu masih ada. tapi bila ditanya akan perasaan, aku masih serba salah atau mengambil masa untuk menjawab. memang kehilangan dan perubahan adalah antara benda-benda yang aku tak suka. but has the time to change arrived for me?

a figure of speech

there was this one friday night at the usual club, al said to me: "if you decided to sleep with someone else, choose somebody from out of this durjana city." ha ha. what type of an advice is that? obviously, he was pissed at some ex who decided to fall for a very close friend of his. i pitied him, of course. i know the situation. what happened to me wasn't as close as that of a friend, but close. this durjana city is small. very small. everyone seems to know everyone. "owh. dia ni budak kolej aku." or "dia ni ex-girlfriend kawan aku." or yang paling best "dia ni bukan adik artis terkenal tanahair ke?" macam-macam. as al advised me, the image of boatman came rushing to my head. he wasn't good looking but he was cool as he rowed the shikara. i wonder what went wrong because his emails are currently major turn-offs. then, on that same night i met a guy who's a friend of a friend. we've met before at the audition anne & i went. that night speed came up to me & said hi. we hung out, he got drunk & was blabbering about the dj who refused to spin his request. he was cute. apparently, he's a friend of SDN's blogger. i remember reading his name somewhere in the blog & when i asked him whether he knew SDN guy, he said, "do you want to talk to him?i can call him for you." i refused his offer because yes, i get turned on by reading his blog but that's all. since then, vans & i have been changing ideas through text messages on the phone. he kills my boredom. there's nothing really interesting about texting 'heart at the moment because i found out he's been doing something that he accused me of doing before. i've realized that nothing's ever gonna change. not in the near future. so i hugged elm, who's my personal healer, which made me feel good. van, in the other hand, is my revenge towards 'heart. sad but true. weirdly, i didn't blew out on him as i got to know about his current late night conversation with a girl. he used to say, "itu hal peribadi i." well, guess what? it turns out that i too, have a hal peribadi of my own. 'heart said before any arguments, fights or any misunderstandings happen, let's get married. i replied, "what makes you think by marriage, shits won't happen?" last night, i told him i got tired of saying the same thing over and over again that i feel numb now. sometimes, as i say out the three loving words, i couldn't feel anything. just a figure of speech. i don't have the feel of longing for his touch, missing him like the desert miss the rain, bagai si pungguk rindukan bulan. i don't even have the feeling of sharing everything with him anymore, i'd rather have my friends listen to my emotions instead.

what good is everything

now tell me.

what good is a relationship if revenge is always there and competing with each other is what you do best? to be repeating this question to myself, aku berasa sayu. this is a reality that's happening to me, currently.

and what good is a relationship, what good is love when you don't even have the slightest trust for your partner?