perkara spontaneous yang patut disesali

in the wee hour of the morning, lagu favourite kau berdering dari handphone. kau capai dan kau wonder who actually have you in mind at that time of the day. kau tekan butang yang ada icon warna hijau, kau tegur yang on the other end. ada suara yang macam familiar, tapi kau tidak faham apa yang cuba dipertuturkan pasal yang kau dengar hanya sobs. diselit dengan sedu-sedan. kau cakap hello. dan reply yang sama diberi. kemudian, suara yang at the other end putus asa lalu ended the call. dan kau wonder, kenapa, of all the people around, dia yang had you in mind at that wee hour of the morning.
and in that wee hour of the morning juga, ada yang lagi seorang sedang wonder. kenapa, of all the numbers listed in my tiny samsung, nombor kau yang jari aku pantas dail. cuma kali ini the sobs weren't for you.
maaf pada mereka yang tersalah risau dan tafsir.

kau, pada aku, macam buku

manusia, yang kau come across dalam hidup kau adalah setiap seorang macam buku yang kau susun bertingkat-tingkat atas meja study. itu yang aku conclude sejak beberapa bulan yang lalu. tidak kira lah apa watak yang dipegangnya janji detik kau bertegur dengannya automatically dia akan jadi sebuah buku. ikut kau saja mahu insert his/her character into which book. starting as early as january this year, i've already stumbled upon a couple of different books; yang penuh dengan gambar, yang kurang gambar dan tiada langsung gambar. ada juga buku yang tertulis perkataan-perkataan indah, macam puisi. ada buku sketch yang aku ambil buat doodles di kala waktu-waktu kosong.
ada satu buku, agak tebal. penuh gambar dan juga perkataan. ada janji. but the rainbow in some of the earlier chapters lama-lama jadi pudar kemudian hanya tinggal outline sahaja. buku yang satu itu masih ada di atas meja, tapi diletakkan yang paling bawah. there's this one day, i nearly threw it away tapi aku kutip kembali pasal aku ini pelupa. dalam pada aku mahu melupakan cerita dalam buku itu, aku tidak mahu lupa segala-galanya. ada satu hari juga, aku mahu mulakan chapter yang baru dalam buku itu tapi sebenarnya, untuk memulakan satu sequel dengan jalan cerita yang telah wujud, agak susah. i'm not a real writer anyway. buku itu no doubt, adalah salah satu cerita favourite aku. kadang-kadang aku flick through the pages to peek on the pictures. buat aku senyum sendiri. tapi kalau ada angin yang saja mahu tengok aku tidak tenteram, kadang-kadang mahu dikoyakkan saja helaian mukasurat buku itu. the next book that i had pick was colourful. the pictures, were hand-drawn. buku itu aku panggil buku mimpi pasal ceritanya macam fairytale. very intimate. the kind of book yang kau baca waktu petang and you can't get out of the house because outside, it's raining cats and dogs so you chose to snuggle in your favourite three-seater sofa reading this book. buku yang juga ada typical love scenes; late night conversations, a walk in the park. tapi bukan terlalu fairytale because the characters didn't live happily ever after. itu hari, waktu aku mengalih perabot bedroom, aku terjumpa satu lagi buku yang semacam buku mimpi but instead of pictures, ada beautiful words. yang buat aku jatuh cinta sebagaimana aku jatuh cinta dengan character famous sir arthur conan doyle, sherlock holmes. i secretly think the english detective is hot. that's how far my imaginations can go. buku yang berprosa indah ini yang kadang-kadang tercatit idea-idea pelik buat aku tergelak sendiri. it's a good book. and i'm sure it's a favourite too among other dreamy people yang boleh lihat corak fascinating yang tersirat antara setiap barisan perkataan-perkataan itu. cemburu juga aku bagaimana si penulis boleh mencipta perkataan yang mampu menyelinap masuk ke dalam mimpi. ada beberapa buku yang berselerak atas katil bercerita tentang friendship. yang beberapa itu, aku kerap-kali flick through dan aku simpan elok-elok. diletak di tempat tidur pasal kalau aku lonely, aku boleh hold it tight, close to my heart. buku-buku yang ini, kau memang takkan boleh pinjam because you see, it's kind of a part of my life. those books that i've read, lebih kurang mempunyai lenggok yang sama tapi jika diteliti, masih ada perbezaan. manusia kan, rambut sama hitam tapi hati lain-lain. setiap buku yang aku baca itu, i pick out its best special points. jadi walau macam mana pun sama corak jalan ceritanya, masih ada perbezaan. in other words, kalau hilang, tidak boleh diganti dengan copy yang exactly the same.
tapi agaknya buku jenis apa yang aku akan jumpa in the future nanti?

take me away for i'll always be your island lover

trip melarikan diri was dreamy. the sand, the clear water, the colourful fishes, the wind, the sun, the stars yang malu sambil bermain sorok-sorok buat aku lupa realiti yang sentiasa menghantui aku, menggigit bahu aku sekadar mahu menguji kekuatan diri sendiri. dan di saat aku menaip satu-persatu huruf di keyboard untuk membina ayat yang kononnnya menarik untuk dibaca, how i wish i'm still there lying under that umbrella with '666' written on it dan biarkan saja angin laut meniup segala mimpi enak ke arah ku. hari terakhir buat aku rasa gerun pasal aku tahu akan segala kekusutan yang menunggu aku di kota durjana, yang tidak sabar untuk menyambut kepulangan ku. a stumble upon a familiar face made me recall some memories of the past. aku ada punya rahsia: i like drunkards. because they don't think too much and it's easy being around them. though it was just one night, but i appreciated the conversation. ketara, perasaan rindu menyelimuti kami. but not to each other instead to those people we wished were there with us on the island. and the best thing when you're with a drunkard, they won't remember a thing the next day. biar aku saja yang simpan memori itu pasal memang, aku suka menghunus pisau ke atas diri sendiri. slowly, i think i'm starting to forget how it feels like to be happy. jadi aku cuba menghargai saat-saat bahagia yang aku lalui. dalam kepala aku semacam ada sebuah album bahagia yang penuh dengan snapshots dengan mereka yang pernah menyumbangkan perasaan bahagia untuk aku. ala, yang lepas itu, lepas lah. usah dikenang lagi. tapi itu sahaja yang aku ada, something that i can hold on to, tidak mahu ia dibawa ombak. the getaway this time, aku lebih puas hati pasal i get to see the sharks (eventhough it meant leaving your friends behind. he he), i get to have a long conversation with a familiar face that i've never had the chance talking to, got a shot of better sunset, playing in the water with kebaya on plus calling out to the stars. and mind you, we were all high on just life on the island itself. no extra substance. goody two-shoes? tidak juga. well, some stuff are better left unsaid. tapi apa yang aku pasti, ada tanda-tanda untuk kami semua kembali to that dreamy island.



di luar tingkap sekarang, langit mendung terusan mengubah mood bahagia.

"it feels weird isn't it when you call your ex at 12 noon and a sleepy girl answered? or maybe tak weird pun pasal ex kau, kan? perlu ke kau kisah? tak perlu, kan? feels like shit, sial. babipukimak. aku nak balik ke pulau."

snap your fingers and the love will vanish

just like that.

back then, waktu aku selalu berkhayal, selalu juga aku fikirkan bahawa pasangan-pasangan mana yang bercinta, tidak mungkin akan hilang cintanya untuk satu sama lain dalam sekelip mata. lebih lagi yang sudah bercinta untuk sekian lamanya. but last night i had my dose of gossip girl (series 13-18) where my favourite couple broke up overnight. and the conversation i had with ex-heart yesterday, made me change my mind. for four years i've been dating a jerk. or he wasn't before but he is now. apa-apa pun, aku macam kecil hati dengan perangai yang ditunjuknya semalam. sampai hati dia melontarkan kata-kata begitu kepada aku. but maybe he became who he is now because of me. he does have a good side to him because then i wouldn't have fallen for him four years back. tidak mengapalah pasal semuanya pun sudah lepas. yes, it seems that i shouldn't be playing along in this game of hatred but it's kind of hard when we still see each other in the office.
jadi cinta itu memang boleh hilang dengan sekelip mata sahaja, sekaligus dengan perasaan belas kasihan. a saddening fact i just have to face. it seems that i'm not the one looking out for your faults anymore. but it's you, who asked me to think wisely, are doing it now. i'm asking you to just recall whatever happened in that four years we were together. the good, the bad, the ugly. dan jangan lupa tentang karma, ya. please.

don't be too happy or else

friday night. friday night. i think from this blog, it seems that, to all of you, all that matters in my life is my friday nights. apparently my joy division's only active on that particular night. well, currently. i was really hype about last friday night. it felt like it has been a while since i went out (when it was just a week). attentions were all over me like those young annoying drunkards around the club. i was enjoying myself plus the songs were all good and my favourite friends were there too except for anne who had to travel up north. but elle's face didn't show so much joy. i was sorry for her because she didn't get to really enjoy the night away. when we went for the after drink, i was amazed at myself on how i really enjoyed the night (notice the repetition of the word 'enjoy'?) that i reminded to stop myself from feeling happy. i'm that superstitious to believe that if you suddenly feel happy, there''ll be something bad waiting in line just to blow your bubbles.

10am saturday, along called. "abah is hospitalized in dungun."

terus rasa takut menyelubungi diri. the fear that i have always thought of came true. the first hint on losing a loved one. apparently, on the same morning, condolences goes to my cousin who lost his first newborn. i called abah.
"how are you?"
"i'm okay. why worry about me?"
and i had to cry.
of course i have to worry about you, abah. you're my abah. you used to worry about me because i'm your daughter & i know you are worried still. the disease that attacked him was something that i thought would never happen in my family due to our health history. cancer. a cancer that from studies, not very common among asian men. when we brought him back to the city, he refused any visits from friends. in the first place, he wouldn't even want to talk about it. something that's been running in me, keeping health problems just to myself. but mili is very good at handling things like these since she's closer to abah than me. i am most likely to cry over tiny things rather than her. if only mak & abah are still together, maybe it'll be easier for him to be taken care of. instead, mak is flying off to perth & will only be back on january 2nd. i wonder if there is still love between the two of them...