the wants ranting

i want a lot of things. i want to get real with my career. i want to work the things that i like most. i want to achieve something and be respected for what i work hard for. i want to do something exciting, that doesn’t bore the hell out of me. i want to be organized, to be punctual. i want to hold and fulfill the promises i uttered. i want to drop everything and travel the world. i want to be rich and get to do the things i want and need to do. i want to buy a house that i design myself. i want to do charity. i want this broken heart to mend. i want to fall in love. i want to believe that being single is fun. i want him to be nice all over again and paint about me. i want him to keep a nude portrait of me in his wallet. i want to be written. i want him to strum his guitar for me. i want my girlfriends to feel that i’m their best friend ever. i want to grow old with them close to me. i want to hug mak everyday without feeling awkward. i want to know what KLPHQ’s considering life is all about. i want to know why they named that song ‘of polaroids and stills’. i want to sing in a band again. i want to play the guitar or piano, write great tunes and sing it for someone important to me. i want him to be honest to me. i want him to realize that i am his fate. i want her to find out the truth and suffer. i want to tell abah about his mistakes. i want to tell my brother that i’m not into his current girlfriend. i want mili to stop mingling with the wrong type of people. i want to read books for someone. i want to go around sleeping with strangers but not to be called a slut. i want her boyfriend. i want her boyfriend to want me. i want to perform bondage. i want to get married on a secluded island with only my friends attending. i want to shoot my wedding photos underwater. i want to run across the tall grasses behind my workplace. i want to eat ice-cream whenever i’m feeling down, without getting fat. i want to be skinny and look good in anything i wear. i want to have smaller breasts so men would not just look at me and think about breast-fuck. i want to speak good English. i want to learn French. i want to be smart. i want to forget and at the same time stop forgetting. i want to focus when somebody is explaining things to me. i want to be beautiful, not pretty or gorgeous, but beautiful. i want to be good with colours. i want to satisfy everyone. i want to stop daydreaming and get real. i want people to take me seriously. i want to stay young and free forever. i want to snort coke and feel sexy about it. i want to drink up alcohol and spark up conversations without worrying too much. i want to do right with my religion. i want good fortunes. i want God to know that i’m afraid of dooms day and death. i want to fight being mellow and pathetic. i want to get rid of the walls around me. I want to throw away my ego. i want to be nice. i want to talk bad things about her. i want her to know of our late night conversations. i want her bad karma to kick hard on her head. i want to stop this jealousy. i want to post general entries on my blog. i want to cook delicious meals for my loved ones. i want to shop everyday; shoes, clothes, bags, furniture. i want to clear my debts and stop worrying. i want to remember every morning to appreciate this simple kind of life i’m living everyday. i want the war to stop. i want to turn back the time and mend all the shits that happened. i want to stop being sarcastic. i want to know which way to go. i want to know what i really need and want. i want to stop spending on craps. i want to be a writer and write good stuff. i want to socialize well. i want to live a stylish lifestyle. i want to be known. i want to be left alone when i’m not in a good mood. i want to stop smoking. i want to live a healthy lifestyle. i want to keep my dark secrets to myself. i want to stop lying. i want to stop analyzing my dreams. i want to sleep a good sleep every night. i want to make him believe that i want him. i want to hold hands and cuddle in doors when it’s raining outside. i want to have late supper at mcdonald’s. i want to keep track of my money. i want to redecorate mak’s place. i want to get involve with nature. i want a white horse. i want to make friends instead of flirting. i want to be a malay woman. i want to speak Javanese. i want to be appreciated. i want to be remembered. i want to be normal. i want to stop whining. i want a lot of things.

kau tidak tahu maksud respect kah?

always, aku baca komen-komen di blog-blog sekitar, yang berbaur kurang ajar. dan aku selalu fikir, apa saja yang bermain di fikiran mereka, like, mereka tidak terfikir ke yang mungkin si blogger akan kecil hati? atau mereka yang lain yang terbaca those rude comments. they must've been very mad, kan, to say such harsh things. aku juga terfikir yang waktu di sekolah dahulu, tidak diajarkan manners ke? macam mana agaknya persekitaran mereka waktu membesar? or maybe they like people being rude towards them so they decided they should be rude to other people in order to get the same exact feedback. bukan sahaja in commenting blogs, but also perangai rudeness di luar, yang dilemparkan ke atas orang-orang yang tahu maksud respect. owh. no wonder. kau tidak tahu maksud respect rupanya. mungkin juga, aku teka, they used to be nice tolerable human beings tapi oleh kerana ada manusia yang berperangai kurang-ajar-syaitawn-nirrajim, they decided that enough with the respects, i should be rude too. hmm...macam kes aku sedikit, mungkin. aku cuma akan mengeluarkan harsh, nasty words bilamasa aku sangat-sangat, yang sangat-sangat marah pasal aku tidak kacau kau pun, kenapa kau perlu kacau aku punya situation. pasal jujur, kalau aku marah, aku tidak guna otak dengan sepenuhnya. tidak memikirkan akibatnya. tapi untuk berperangai kurang ajar secara membuta-tuli, memang salah. try to be nice. it'll make you feel good. walaupun apa yang dikatakan si blogger itu salah dan kau tidak setuju, tegurlah dengan cara yang baik. tidak perlu komen dengan kasar. well, so far aku belum come across rude comments on my posted entries. mungkin pasal ia terlalu personal buat aku, memang tiada kena-mengena dengan sesiapa pun. heh. but there's always a first time for everything, kan?
again, sumpah aku tidak faham dengan orang-orang yang terlalu rude. respect yo!

kau, pada aku, macam buku

manusia, yang kau come across dalam hidup kau adalah setiap seorang macam buku yang kau susun bertingkat-tingkat atas meja study. itu yang aku conclude sejak beberapa bulan yang lalu. tidak kira lah apa watak yang dipegangnya janji detik kau bertegur dengannya automatically dia akan jadi sebuah buku. ikut kau saja mahu insert his/her character into which book. starting as early as january this year, i've already stumbled upon a couple of different books; yang penuh dengan gambar, yang kurang gambar dan tiada langsung gambar. ada juga buku yang tertulis perkataan-perkataan indah, macam puisi. ada buku sketch yang aku ambil buat doodles di kala waktu-waktu kosong.
ada satu buku, agak tebal. penuh gambar dan juga perkataan. ada janji. but the rainbow in some of the earlier chapters lama-lama jadi pudar kemudian hanya tinggal outline sahaja. buku yang satu itu masih ada di atas meja, tapi diletakkan yang paling bawah. there's this one day, i nearly threw it away tapi aku kutip kembali pasal aku ini pelupa. dalam pada aku mahu melupakan cerita dalam buku itu, aku tidak mahu lupa segala-galanya. ada satu hari juga, aku mahu mulakan chapter yang baru dalam buku itu tapi sebenarnya, untuk memulakan satu sequel dengan jalan cerita yang telah wujud, agak susah. i'm not a real writer anyway. buku itu no doubt, adalah salah satu cerita favourite aku. kadang-kadang aku flick through the pages to peek on the pictures. buat aku senyum sendiri. tapi kalau ada angin yang saja mahu tengok aku tidak tenteram, kadang-kadang mahu dikoyakkan saja helaian mukasurat buku itu. the next book that i had pick was colourful. the pictures, were hand-drawn. buku itu aku panggil buku mimpi pasal ceritanya macam fairytale. very intimate. the kind of book yang kau baca waktu petang and you can't get out of the house because outside, it's raining cats and dogs so you chose to snuggle in your favourite three-seater sofa reading this book. buku yang juga ada typical love scenes; late night conversations, a walk in the park. tapi bukan terlalu fairytale because the characters didn't live happily ever after. itu hari, waktu aku mengalih perabot bedroom, aku terjumpa satu lagi buku yang semacam buku mimpi but instead of pictures, ada beautiful words. yang buat aku jatuh cinta sebagaimana aku jatuh cinta dengan character famous sir arthur conan doyle, sherlock holmes. i secretly think the english detective is hot. that's how far my imaginations can go. buku yang berprosa indah ini yang kadang-kadang tercatit idea-idea pelik buat aku tergelak sendiri. it's a good book. and i'm sure it's a favourite too among other dreamy people yang boleh lihat corak fascinating yang tersirat antara setiap barisan perkataan-perkataan itu. cemburu juga aku bagaimana si penulis boleh mencipta perkataan yang mampu menyelinap masuk ke dalam mimpi. ada beberapa buku yang berselerak atas katil bercerita tentang friendship. yang beberapa itu, aku kerap-kali flick through dan aku simpan elok-elok. diletak di tempat tidur pasal kalau aku lonely, aku boleh hold it tight, close to my heart. buku-buku yang ini, kau memang takkan boleh pinjam because you see, it's kind of a part of my life. those books that i've read, lebih kurang mempunyai lenggok yang sama tapi jika diteliti, masih ada perbezaan. manusia kan, rambut sama hitam tapi hati lain-lain. setiap buku yang aku baca itu, i pick out its best special points. jadi walau macam mana pun sama corak jalan ceritanya, masih ada perbezaan. in other words, kalau hilang, tidak boleh diganti dengan copy yang exactly the same.
tapi agaknya buku jenis apa yang aku akan jumpa in the future nanti?

where's my fair share?

pagi tadi, boss hantar e-mail kepada kami anak-anak buahnya. in pdf format. the last message in the 13-slide pdf was:

Work like you don’t need the money.
Love like nobody has ever hurt you.
Dance like nobody is watching.
Sing like nobody is listening.
Live as if this was paradise on Earth.

right.
konon mahu seru kan semangat humanity dalam diri masing-masing. boleh diterima lah sedikit pasal memang sekarang ini semua pun sedang mengejar harta dunia and being very selfish at the same time. well, i guess this is how you live in the savannah of concrete. bunuh yang makan dalam. tiada titisan darah. a much safer crime. today only, a girlfriend won RM12, 000, a colleague got himself an iPod & a psp and some guy out there got to get dave grohl wore his t-shirt. dan kau selalu tertanya-tanya kenapa dunia ini terlalu unfair buat kau? thinking it over, between the three of them listed above, i'm only jealous for the girlfriend (even though i always thought dave grohl is shit-damn hot and to get him wearing your t-shirt meant getting him topless in the first place) pasal i know her personally and i know she deserves it. in my list of friends, i think she's the only one with so much positive vibe around her. apparently, she's a believer. macam mana aku mahu jadi sebegitu? sakit hati dengan diri sendiri. tsk.
i even nearly gave up on my label. but changed my mind because for once, aku mahu sesuatu yang tidak tergantung. cukuplah selama 24 tahun aku bernafas these polluted air, semuanya di sekeliling aku terdiri dari perkara-perkara yang tiada tamat pasti. hanya tamat tergantung. macam ala-ala bersambung... seperti kebanyakan entri blog aku di sini. he he. i guess sifat itu sudah pun tertanam inside of me. tapi seruan boss aku serba-sedikit bantu aku dalam pendirian hari ini. perlu selalu beringat untuk bersyukur dengan apa yang aku ada. and work my way up dengan apa yang aku currently ada. plus that self-motivator book written by steven reiss which john.j lent me did help in certain areas where i allowed it to. really, fictions has always been a favourite instead of self-motivator books. that was because i've never touched any but since i started on it, it's not really that bad. iya lah. belum cuba belum tahu, kan? i guess my fair share of the world will somehow come strolling by. i believe.

ada kaki, kita lari

the morning traffic buzzed her right ear. shaking her head, she changed path towards the lake. her jog turned to a faster pace, she breathed heavily through her mouth. she kept glancing behind her. ada semacam ketakutan di riak mukanya. ada suara di dalam kepalanya.

"run. run. run. don't stop."

she passed a few questioning faces along the grey brick path. looking up, the sky has turn to a concrete colour. the voice hasn't stop pestering her.

"run. run. run. don't stop."

she felt drips of water on her hair. a reason for her to quickened her pace some more. but she, herself was not sure where her feet are supposed to take her. titisan air yang agak deras di mukanya semacam menghalangnya dari terus berlari. she shook her head in protest. pada suara di dalam kepalanya itu, dia harus akur. kakinya terasa kebas. she couldn't feel her feet anymore but she is still running. dan ada satu suara asing mencelah.

"kau mahu lari ke mana, sayang ku?"

lalu ditolehnya ke belakang dan dalam samar-samar air langit yang deras itu, kelihatan satu kelibat berdiri. in her head, she thought that shadow was holding a bright object. lantas dilajukan lagi gerak langkahnya dan yang membasahi raut wajahnya itu bukan sahaja titisan hujan tapi air mata. her pace began to slow down. pernafasan yang tercungap-cungap dicampur dengan esakan. kedengaran air mengalir sepuluh langkah ke hadapan. yes. that's where she should stop. glancing behind, the shadow was gone.

slowly, she took off her already wet clothes and walk slowly towards the running water of the small creek.

air yang mengalir deras itu, dia percaya, akan me-nyah-kan kerunsingan yang menyakat.

motivational lah sangat

yesterday, i had the day off from work (tiada kerja pun, i should've done the same for today). here's the list of things i planned to do yesterday:

1. send my car to the workshop
2. find plain t-shirts for second design printing
3. print stickers
4. attend an interview in PJ
5. get bus tickets for the island getaway
6. get mili's flight ticket for the other island getaway

sending my car to the workshop was a must because these past few days i've been hearing weird noises coming out from the engine compartment (paranoid kereta rosak based on the flat tyre experience). after an hour at the workshop, supposedly fetch john.j and head to the place where plain coloured shirts are cheaper than some other places. instead he had to work on some artwork for al so we decided to meet up after my interview session at 2.30pm. so i went home, had lunch dan seperti biasa selepas makan, angin malas datang menghinggap. terusan aku lewat 30minit ke tempat temu duga. tidak mengapa sebab aku macam pandai bagi alasan yang bernas. it's the same post as i'm holding right now at the current company cuma kerjanya lain sedikit. the company is about making greeting cards for big corporate companies. the cards shown to me was beautiful. memang undeniably cantik versi korporat. di luar waktu itu, hujan lebat. and the interview suddenly changed into a one-on-one motivational talk. so the interviewer thought. i told him how every morning i dragged my feet to the office for the sake of money and i'm fed up because i've lost my passion somewhere and even totally forgotten what my passion was. he said: "from the moment i read the details you wrote here in this form, i know that you're not suitable working here." he reminded me about the price increment of petrol. he also reminded me that the payment i'm getting currently is quite high and the job is not as hectic as the other design industries. i told him how i so much wanted to study fashion when i finished school but abah wasn't too keen on the lifestyle (walhal lifestyle graphic designer pun macam lebih kurang juga) that he said i should try computer graphic. so i skipped the skill test his colleague has prepared. by the time the interview session ended, it was already 6pm and apparently the place where we're supposed to get the cheap t-shirts closes around that time. kedai print sticker itu pun sama. dan dalam kepala aku, seperti biasa mula calculate benda-benda tidak berfaedah yang kemudiannya menemui kesimpulan bahawa: i'm good at nothing. i don't have talents, i don't attend to my current job, my love life is floating without directions and i'm not sure where my family stands in my life. the things that i need are currently driving me right now. driving dengan malas. aku kekurangan fulfillments on the things that i want so things got out of hands. masalah ini hanya pada aku sebab aku memang disorganized macam ini pun. dan terlalu banyak berfikir perkara yang tidak berfaedah. i broke down and cried in front of john.j. merepek kan? mampus lah. bukannya teresak-esak pun. aku rasa semua pun tidak menjadi. pulang ke rumah, mak wanted me to come along to two weddings this weekend. bad timing pasal sekarang pemikiran aku terlalu pessimistic, i'm not in the mood to be pushed around and especially attending weddings. berjumpa orang-orang judgmental adalah perkara terakhir yang aku perlukan sekarang. ataupun tidak perlu langsung. anne, i'm sorry i snapped. mungkin hormon aku sedang bergelora.
esok, aku mahu pergi buat survey pasal dibayar rm100, kemudian hantar t-shirt ke mont kiara untuk di jual. kemudian aku mahu jumpa john.j because currently even if hati aku tidak tentu arah, akal aku kucar-kacir, whenever he's around, semua macam reda sedikit. dia macam ada banyak ion positif. aku amat perlukan yang itu. yang lain, nanti dulu. i'd like to have what i WANT, tomorrow.

bila minyak kelapa sawit mahu direvolusikan?

have you heard the news? about the price of petrol rising up to RM2.70 per liter? man, aku baru saja fikir mahu berhenti kerja and volunteer at that science centre again but i guess i couldn't afford living like that. hmmm...but since i'll be going for an island getaway next weekend, i should act rajin over there, mingle around with the beach boys so maybe i can get myself a job there. no need petrol for car. saving di situ. tapi macam mana pula kesnya kalau aku lembab berenang? haha. i don't even know how to swim. menyelam saja aku reti. tsk. i guess i have to brush the idea of working on the island off. tsk. tsk.

meaning: i'm gonna be stuck here in this fucken cold office until God knows when.
sakitnya hati!!!
BENCI!!!
*breaks down and cry

manusia itu adalah sesuatu yang subjektif

if a person is good to another, it doesn't mean that same person is good to another different person. and if a person is bad towards another person, doesn't mean that same person is bad to another different person too.
come on. even pembunuh pun ada kisah cintanya tersendiri. kalau kau ikut jalan yang berwarna hijau itu, tidak semestinya yang lain suka akan jalan yang sama. try and put yourself in other people's shoes. you'll find it easier to tolerate. trust me.

business hidup

aah...

kadang-kadang hidup ini macam melintas track litar F1 di sepang sewaktu mereka sedang berlumba. kau tahu the chances of you getting hit at least by a car is very high, tapi kau masih teruskan langkah kau to get to the other side. sebab dalam masa yang sama, kau fikir yang para pemandu kelas dunia itu adalah pemandu hebat, mungkin mereka pantas mengelak.

tapi sebenarnya, kau tak begitu penting pun pada mereka.

kau tahu di iraq sana ada peperangan yang sedang berlaku sejak berkurun lamanya. most of the war victims, dead or alive, are innocent people. tapi kau, yang tiada kena-mengena sangat, buat cool dan jalan di tengah-tengah jalanraya yang dikelilingi bangunan musnah ranap, sambil bersiul. and you know, silap haribulan, ada peluru yang datang menyambar nyawa kau. yang paling best, mungkin sebutir bom. tak kisahlah yang military atau yang dibuat sendiri. janji bom. pasal kau fikir yang mungkin salah satu pihak will shout at you to get out of the way or come and rescue you.

tapi mereka tak peduli sangat pun.

because dude, in the first place, you know that life is a risky business.

life before death

For weeks, all she’d wanted to do was die.

if you're free (obviously you are if you're reading this) check out this photography exhibition held in london. i think the idea of the exhibition is a rare one.

German photographer Walter Schels was terrified of death, but felt compelled to take these extraordinary series of portraits of people before and on the day they died. His partner Beate Lakotta recorded the poignant and revealing interviews with the subjects in their final days.

this is the end.

as i mature

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place!

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

you can pass this on. maybe something good will come your way.

if not...tough shit, dude.
original copy

hidup yang unfair lagi pendek

last thursday, another of mili's friend passed away because of an accident. apparently, he was mili's bestfriend's boyfriend (that passed away last christmas). mungkin dia cinta kuat...Al-Fatihah. so mili and i decided that hidup ini pendek. kita sudah tidak mampu membuang masa lagi. every choices that we chose have to be the right ones. mistakes tidak perlu diulangi lagi. dan pasal hidup ini pendek, sememangnya kita tidak mungkin akan dapat apa yang kita mahu. we know ourselves that we want a whole bunch of things but what we really have to work for are the things that we really need. aku tahu, dalam jangkamasa aku hidup 24 tahun ini, pelbagai chances passed me by tapi aku hanya mengendahkannya dangan alasan lack of self-esteem mahupun mungkin ada orang di luar sana yang lebih memerlukan those chances offered to me. though sometimes we can actually have what we want cuma tak boleh saja. alaa, tak boleh lah atas sebab-sebab tertentu (yang kadang-kadang atas sebab-sebab tak munasabah pun ada). i have always had this indecisiveness in me, for example when i used to take public transport to get me somewhere, and late for a date, i can't decide which public transport (train? bus? cab?) i should take to get there fast. sometimes, i even hesitate on whether i'm on the right route to my house (yes. even if i've been using it hundred of times). jadi, hidup lah seboleh-bolehnya hari ini untuk hari ini, macam esok tak akan ada. appreciate and caress what you have now. mistakes in the past should be a lesson and not to be repeated. masa itu bagaikan si arnab putih yang kelam-kabut bergegas untuk berjumpa queen of hearts dalam cerita fantasi alice in wonderland. kerap kali kita mengutarakan kisah life yang unfair. mungkin selama ini ikita telah memilih the wrong choices? anne said: 'yang baik itu datang dari Tuhan. yang jahat datang dari kita yang terpedaya dengan godaan syaitan.'

dan ingat, since our lives are short, our parents' lives are even shorter. thanks anne for reminding me.

money talks, bullshit walks

the other night, i was forced by anne to join her business preview in the city. she won't sit still pestering me about her new valuable discovery so i had to say yes to her invitation. okay. 30% of me wanted to know what's the buzz about. as we reached the floor where the preview was held, i felt uneasy. the place was full of corporate looking people and i have this thing about crowded places with unfamiliar faces. senang cerita, i hate the atmosphere. all the time, i kept telling myself, "hey, i shouldn't be this negative. just give this thing a chance. maybe it's worth it." around 8.30pm, we walked in the hall where the preview was done and it was already half-filled. they estimated the audience about a thousand that night. anne's other business partners walked around with this big positive sign on their head. being in the hall, i felt like as if i was attending some kind of a cult's gathering. terlalu banyak aura positif in the air, it's eerie. and they played the future's video on the large screen in front. fakta-fakta yang dihujahkan agak merisaukan dan juga separuh menakutkan. anggaran tentang kemungkinan besar, 10 tahun akan datang, orang-orang berpendapatan RM10,000 akan dilabelkan antara orang-orang bertaraf rendah. overall, the preview was good. tapi buat hati aku gusar. ya, aku yang ignorant ini.
so my colleagues and i were smoking outside the office just now and i suddenly popped the question:
"are you happy with what you are right now? do you think you can achieve what you want and need in say, 5 years time?"

sumpah aku goyang after attending the preview. both of my colleagues were silenced by my question. "owh. itu hari aku checkout business preview." mereka menarik nafas lega pasal aku bukan jenis orang yang suka nak pop killer questions. statement 'bila ada duit, choices are yours' sememangnya betul. kalau kita tidak ada duit, skop pilihan kita kecil. for an example, you only have RM5 for lunch so either you go to the mamak stall or get nasi campur. itu pun lauk kene budget. if you have RM20 for lunch, you can checkout any fast food restaurants or makanan yang lebih menyelerakan dari makanan mamak. alaa, you get the idea right? okay. let's talk about savings. in 10 years time, nilai duit akan naik. jadi macam mana kamu save pun, sama sahaja. faham? macam ini: sekarang se-tin Coke RM1.50, in 5 years time boleh mencecah RM5. so, if in 10 years time your savings reaches RM50, 000, the value is just the same as RM10, 000. lebih kurang begitulah. now it got you thinking right? always they say, it's not the money that matters. itu dulu. sekarang semuanya duit. nak kahwin pun, melafazkan cinta sejati, perlu ada duit. to live your passion, you've got to have the dough. nak fly to amsterdam kena ada dough, mate. by the time i have RM5000, the airfare will be more expensive than today's. tapi ada sesuatu yang aku agak gusar tentang business preview malam isnin lepas. honestly, i don't have that amount of money for me to start the business. conclusion: loan. i'm not confident with loans. bukannya RM100-200. thousands weih. and currently i have debts too. contemplations. complications. another fact is, i don't like to be pestered doing the stuff that i don't like. when i'm ready, i'll join the business. kalau tak, tak lah. aku masih ada banyak lagi perkara remeh yang perlu difikirkan.

i'd live in a movie

i've always thought that life is a movie itself. the world as the big stage, the things around (buildings, trees) as the backdrops, the living things as the actors. every each of us have their own story to act or to narrate about. so when i was asked:

"do you take this life as a movie?" i nodded.

then he continued telling me about a friend who directs short films who disagree to that. filem lain, hidup kita lain. and being me, who can't be knock even the slightest bit, i re-think about it. plus, i came across saharil's thoughts which add up to the new suggestion. "dalam realiti, tidak ada the end" conteng si saharil. lastnight i watched Amélie, directed by Jean-Pierre Jeunet, one of nata's favourite movies. now it's one of my favourite movies too. amélie grew up without any other siblings, with not much friends around her. she's quite a bizarre creature really, in my point of view. well, she's a dreamer and i happen to love dreamers (no point telling why). the movie went with amélie growing up, a waitress at a cafe in the city, live alone but finds the joy of making other sad people happy. okay. cerita cinta pun ada. scene yang hujung-hujung aku paling suka, how she met with the guy that she love, kissed the upper side of his lips, his neck then up on his eye. and also the scene where they rode on his scooter-bike. and the credits for the movie came up. dalam hati aku cakap "awal yang indah". so, the short-film director guy is kind of right. filem lain, hidup kita lain. you know? kadang-kadang bila aku menonton filem cinta yang best, aku selalu terfikir and wonder, what actually happens after the sweet ending of the movie. yes, they met the one they love. but what happens after that? maybe they only managed to be with each other for only a week. who knows. haha. yes. i am a hopeless romantic. maybe i am that kind of a person who would do unreasonable stuff if i were to be really brokenhearted. sama juga dangan filem yang berkisarkan tentang kehidupan. hmm...tak dapat nak letakkan contoh sebab filem-filem genre begitu bukan antara favourites. life is not as easy as the ones you watch on screen. real life perlu banyak main kotor juga. you get the idea right?

even if i still think that life is a movie itself, the other half of me sedang pegang tangan that short-film director.

10 pengajaran hidup yang 'sesuai'

1- Janganlah kita mempertikaikan orang lain sebab suatu hari nanti kita akan jadi orang yang dipertikaikan itu. wise words from the karma.

2- Benci boleh, tapi jangan benci yang terlampau kerana suatu hari nanti kita akan terlalu mencintai sesuatu yang paling dibenci itu.

3- what goes around, comes around. so just be ready for it to come.

4- don't bullshit another bullshitter. haha.

5- kalau nak menipu, plan betul-betul. inform rakan-rakan yang terlibat dalam penipuan.

6- kalau nak menipu, jangan lupa save sent messages. nanti kantoi terang-terangan. haha.

7- kita tidak lah boleh memaksa seseorang itu mencintai kita. sememangnya, cinta itu kan tidak boleh dipaksa.

8- never take things for granted. jangan sampai yang dikejar tak dapat, yang dikendong berciciran.

9- tak payah terlalu fikirkan apa pendapat orang sekeliling. kalau suka, teruskan saja.

10- jangan selalu berjanji kalau tak mampu ditunaikan. nanti buat sakit hati.

cynical sudah ditanam awal-awal lagi

aku seorang yang selfish (bukan penjual ikan. tapi self-ish). apa yang penting buat aku, adalah orang-orang yang banyak mempengaruhi kitaran hidup aku: teman, kekasih hati. teman tapi mesra tidak tergolong. orang-orang yang penting buat aku, kadang-kadang very unlucky. sebab mereka terpaksa berhadapan dengan bahagian aku yang lebih ketara dari friendly, iaitu cynical. bukannya aku tak cuba, tapi aku cuba menahan diri dari menjadi seorang yang cynical & cold-hearted terhdap orang-orang yang penting buat aku. jenis orang-orang yang kalau hilang, hilanglah arah tuju aku. gone-lah tempat mengadu aku. aku selalu menyanjungi mereka yang disayangi ini. aku tak mahu mereka terluka dek kata-kata harsh aku. sesungguhnya, aku tidak pandai untuk berbicara dengan lembut. aku tak tahu selok-belok menjadi shrink yang berjaya. betul. aku sayang orang-orang penting ini. dan kamu, wahai orang-orang penting, aku minta diberikan sedikit ruang untuk aku yang kadang-kadang cynical ini. aku masih berusaha. aku cuba memahami kamu, menerima. do the vice-versa for me please?

ya. aku akan berbahasa melayu dalam bersenandung konspirasi. bila aku marah, sedih atau dalam apa jua bentuk emotionally distractions.