where's my fair share?

pagi tadi, boss hantar e-mail kepada kami anak-anak buahnya. in pdf format. the last message in the 13-slide pdf was:

Work like you don’t need the money.
Love like nobody has ever hurt you.
Dance like nobody is watching.
Sing like nobody is listening.
Live as if this was paradise on Earth.

right.
konon mahu seru kan semangat humanity dalam diri masing-masing. boleh diterima lah sedikit pasal memang sekarang ini semua pun sedang mengejar harta dunia and being very selfish at the same time. well, i guess this is how you live in the savannah of concrete. bunuh yang makan dalam. tiada titisan darah. a much safer crime. today only, a girlfriend won RM12, 000, a colleague got himself an iPod & a psp and some guy out there got to get dave grohl wore his t-shirt. dan kau selalu tertanya-tanya kenapa dunia ini terlalu unfair buat kau? thinking it over, between the three of them listed above, i'm only jealous for the girlfriend (even though i always thought dave grohl is shit-damn hot and to get him wearing your t-shirt meant getting him topless in the first place) pasal i know her personally and i know she deserves it. in my list of friends, i think she's the only one with so much positive vibe around her. apparently, she's a believer. macam mana aku mahu jadi sebegitu? sakit hati dengan diri sendiri. tsk.
i even nearly gave up on my label. but changed my mind because for once, aku mahu sesuatu yang tidak tergantung. cukuplah selama 24 tahun aku bernafas these polluted air, semuanya di sekeliling aku terdiri dari perkara-perkara yang tiada tamat pasti. hanya tamat tergantung. macam ala-ala bersambung... seperti kebanyakan entri blog aku di sini. he he. i guess sifat itu sudah pun tertanam inside of me. tapi seruan boss aku serba-sedikit bantu aku dalam pendirian hari ini. perlu selalu beringat untuk bersyukur dengan apa yang aku ada. and work my way up dengan apa yang aku currently ada. plus that self-motivator book written by steven reiss which john.j lent me did help in certain areas where i allowed it to. really, fictions has always been a favourite instead of self-motivator books. that was because i've never touched any but since i started on it, it's not really that bad. iya lah. belum cuba belum tahu, kan? i guess my fair share of the world will somehow come strolling by. i believe.

hidup yang unfair lagi pendek

last thursday, another of mili's friend passed away because of an accident. apparently, he was mili's bestfriend's boyfriend (that passed away last christmas). mungkin dia cinta kuat...Al-Fatihah. so mili and i decided that hidup ini pendek. kita sudah tidak mampu membuang masa lagi. every choices that we chose have to be the right ones. mistakes tidak perlu diulangi lagi. dan pasal hidup ini pendek, sememangnya kita tidak mungkin akan dapat apa yang kita mahu. we know ourselves that we want a whole bunch of things but what we really have to work for are the things that we really need. aku tahu, dalam jangkamasa aku hidup 24 tahun ini, pelbagai chances passed me by tapi aku hanya mengendahkannya dangan alasan lack of self-esteem mahupun mungkin ada orang di luar sana yang lebih memerlukan those chances offered to me. though sometimes we can actually have what we want cuma tak boleh saja. alaa, tak boleh lah atas sebab-sebab tertentu (yang kadang-kadang atas sebab-sebab tak munasabah pun ada). i have always had this indecisiveness in me, for example when i used to take public transport to get me somewhere, and late for a date, i can't decide which public transport (train? bus? cab?) i should take to get there fast. sometimes, i even hesitate on whether i'm on the right route to my house (yes. even if i've been using it hundred of times). jadi, hidup lah seboleh-bolehnya hari ini untuk hari ini, macam esok tak akan ada. appreciate and caress what you have now. mistakes in the past should be a lesson and not to be repeated. masa itu bagaikan si arnab putih yang kelam-kabut bergegas untuk berjumpa queen of hearts dalam cerita fantasi alice in wonderland. kerap kali kita mengutarakan kisah life yang unfair. mungkin selama ini ikita telah memilih the wrong choices? anne said: 'yang baik itu datang dari Tuhan. yang jahat datang dari kita yang terpedaya dengan godaan syaitan.'

dan ingat, since our lives are short, our parents' lives are even shorter. thanks anne for reminding me.

love hurts a little when you do it right?

lastnight, elle, dilly, RZ & i ate at precinct 8 for our break-fast. had maghrib at a garden-themed surau & later tarawih at the central mosque. confession: i've never been to solat raya nor tarawih before. so last night was a first for me.
but after that, we headed to laundry bar. i was hesitant but since i was not in a good state of mind, i needed to be around people. 'heart called yesterday evening & i blurted out what i read in his sent box. true, it wasn't his fault that aerial text-ed him. but the messages he replied to her was not convincing. he said: "u yg cakap i can do whatever i want." yes i did. i was emotionally distracted that i wasn't thinking logically straight. so, everything came spanking back to my face. when i off my phone just to avoid talking about it, he sms: "kenape off phone? pengecut je buat mcm tu." true, when he said i have always been searching for his fault. but why did i do that? i feel this love for him but i can't understand myself like this. i kept searching for his faults & there's just no way i can trust him. bukankah kalau kita mencintai seseorang itu, bermaksud kita memberi sepenuh kepercayaan kepada dia? but i couldn't. i kept menuding jari. i can't accept his periuk nasi (which also means mingle around local celebrities). so i said to him lastnight: "i can't take this anymore. let's just stop here." my mouth was trembling, somewhat refused to say it out loud because deep inside, there is still love. for him. for this relationship. for all those memories we have together.
as he sent me off to my friends, he said: "i'll be waiting for your call."

i came home, slept, woke up, drove to the office, now sitting in front of two LCDs & i don't have any intentions of calling him.