motivational lah sangat

yesterday, i had the day off from work (tiada kerja pun, i should've done the same for today). here's the list of things i planned to do yesterday:

1. send my car to the workshop
2. find plain t-shirts for second design printing
3. print stickers
4. attend an interview in PJ
5. get bus tickets for the island getaway
6. get mili's flight ticket for the other island getaway

sending my car to the workshop was a must because these past few days i've been hearing weird noises coming out from the engine compartment (paranoid kereta rosak based on the flat tyre experience). after an hour at the workshop, supposedly fetch john.j and head to the place where plain coloured shirts are cheaper than some other places. instead he had to work on some artwork for al so we decided to meet up after my interview session at 2.30pm. so i went home, had lunch dan seperti biasa selepas makan, angin malas datang menghinggap. terusan aku lewat 30minit ke tempat temu duga. tidak mengapa sebab aku macam pandai bagi alasan yang bernas. it's the same post as i'm holding right now at the current company cuma kerjanya lain sedikit. the company is about making greeting cards for big corporate companies. the cards shown to me was beautiful. memang undeniably cantik versi korporat. di luar waktu itu, hujan lebat. and the interview suddenly changed into a one-on-one motivational talk. so the interviewer thought. i told him how every morning i dragged my feet to the office for the sake of money and i'm fed up because i've lost my passion somewhere and even totally forgotten what my passion was. he said: "from the moment i read the details you wrote here in this form, i know that you're not suitable working here." he reminded me about the price increment of petrol. he also reminded me that the payment i'm getting currently is quite high and the job is not as hectic as the other design industries. i told him how i so much wanted to study fashion when i finished school but abah wasn't too keen on the lifestyle (walhal lifestyle graphic designer pun macam lebih kurang juga) that he said i should try computer graphic. so i skipped the skill test his colleague has prepared. by the time the interview session ended, it was already 6pm and apparently the place where we're supposed to get the cheap t-shirts closes around that time. kedai print sticker itu pun sama. dan dalam kepala aku, seperti biasa mula calculate benda-benda tidak berfaedah yang kemudiannya menemui kesimpulan bahawa: i'm good at nothing. i don't have talents, i don't attend to my current job, my love life is floating without directions and i'm not sure where my family stands in my life. the things that i need are currently driving me right now. driving dengan malas. aku kekurangan fulfillments on the things that i want so things got out of hands. masalah ini hanya pada aku sebab aku memang disorganized macam ini pun. dan terlalu banyak berfikir perkara yang tidak berfaedah. i broke down and cried in front of john.j. merepek kan? mampus lah. bukannya teresak-esak pun. aku rasa semua pun tidak menjadi. pulang ke rumah, mak wanted me to come along to two weddings this weekend. bad timing pasal sekarang pemikiran aku terlalu pessimistic, i'm not in the mood to be pushed around and especially attending weddings. berjumpa orang-orang judgmental adalah perkara terakhir yang aku perlukan sekarang. ataupun tidak perlu langsung. anne, i'm sorry i snapped. mungkin hormon aku sedang bergelora.
esok, aku mahu pergi buat survey pasal dibayar rm100, kemudian hantar t-shirt ke mont kiara untuk di jual. kemudian aku mahu jumpa john.j because currently even if hati aku tidak tentu arah, akal aku kucar-kacir, whenever he's around, semua macam reda sedikit. dia macam ada banyak ion positif. aku amat perlukan yang itu. yang lain, nanti dulu. i'd like to have what i WANT, tomorrow.

need and want. which?

as i was walking back to my current workplace, after wiring anne from the bank, al texted me up, asking whether i'll be joining the two-day beach party next week with tiesto and ferry corsten. i replied that instead of partying there i'd rather go down to singapore, just for the fun of it. he invited me to go there tomorrow but i can't because it's john.j's birthday tomorrow :) and i'm still raking my brain on what i should give him. a couple of ideas all jumbled up inside my head and i can't seem to figure which one i should choose. he did asked for a pair of nike sb lastnight. but i'd rather give him something that he needs instead of something he wants. i'm no genie but i'd like to fulfill my favourite his wishes. maybe you should cross your fingers, john.j. what about a picnic? would you like to go for a birthday picnic plus a movie of my choice.? ha ha. selfish, i know. but i want his birthday to be celebrated with his fellow friends around him.
while everyone was out partying the night before (eve of labour's day), i was at home, sleeping the whole night when i was awaken by a phone call, searching for john.j. see, when somebody call you up searching for someone(not a stranger), means you're that close. two hours later, he called me up and asked "so it's already end of april. how are we?" i told him what he needs to know:
"i want you." but we can't really get what we want, right? damn to that someone who made it a well-known quote. we then decided to be normal because i didn't want to stress things up. not normal as in owh-we're-friends-so-act-like-it normal. because we're kind of used to touching each other (no. not that kind of touching) so why not just stick that way? we like each other, enjoy each other's company so i don't think putting boundaries will help the situation. boundaries will only stress things up. seriously. we'll just go where the wind blows. and if the wind blows hard, dengki to separate us, be it. not that i want it that way but we'll be strong. won't we, john.j?

happy birthday :)