the wants ranting

i want a lot of things. i want to get real with my career. i want to work the things that i like most. i want to achieve something and be respected for what i work hard for. i want to do something exciting, that doesn’t bore the hell out of me. i want to be organized, to be punctual. i want to hold and fulfill the promises i uttered. i want to drop everything and travel the world. i want to be rich and get to do the things i want and need to do. i want to buy a house that i design myself. i want to do charity. i want this broken heart to mend. i want to fall in love. i want to believe that being single is fun. i want him to be nice all over again and paint about me. i want him to keep a nude portrait of me in his wallet. i want to be written. i want him to strum his guitar for me. i want my girlfriends to feel that i’m their best friend ever. i want to grow old with them close to me. i want to hug mak everyday without feeling awkward. i want to know what KLPHQ’s considering life is all about. i want to know why they named that song ‘of polaroids and stills’. i want to sing in a band again. i want to play the guitar or piano, write great tunes and sing it for someone important to me. i want him to be honest to me. i want him to realize that i am his fate. i want her to find out the truth and suffer. i want to tell abah about his mistakes. i want to tell my brother that i’m not into his current girlfriend. i want mili to stop mingling with the wrong type of people. i want to read books for someone. i want to go around sleeping with strangers but not to be called a slut. i want her boyfriend. i want her boyfriend to want me. i want to perform bondage. i want to get married on a secluded island with only my friends attending. i want to shoot my wedding photos underwater. i want to run across the tall grasses behind my workplace. i want to eat ice-cream whenever i’m feeling down, without getting fat. i want to be skinny and look good in anything i wear. i want to have smaller breasts so men would not just look at me and think about breast-fuck. i want to speak good English. i want to learn French. i want to be smart. i want to forget and at the same time stop forgetting. i want to focus when somebody is explaining things to me. i want to be beautiful, not pretty or gorgeous, but beautiful. i want to be good with colours. i want to satisfy everyone. i want to stop daydreaming and get real. i want people to take me seriously. i want to stay young and free forever. i want to snort coke and feel sexy about it. i want to drink up alcohol and spark up conversations without worrying too much. i want to do right with my religion. i want good fortunes. i want God to know that i’m afraid of dooms day and death. i want to fight being mellow and pathetic. i want to get rid of the walls around me. I want to throw away my ego. i want to be nice. i want to talk bad things about her. i want her to know of our late night conversations. i want her bad karma to kick hard on her head. i want to stop this jealousy. i want to post general entries on my blog. i want to cook delicious meals for my loved ones. i want to shop everyday; shoes, clothes, bags, furniture. i want to clear my debts and stop worrying. i want to remember every morning to appreciate this simple kind of life i’m living everyday. i want the war to stop. i want to turn back the time and mend all the shits that happened. i want to stop being sarcastic. i want to know which way to go. i want to know what i really need and want. i want to stop spending on craps. i want to be a writer and write good stuff. i want to socialize well. i want to live a stylish lifestyle. i want to be known. i want to be left alone when i’m not in a good mood. i want to stop smoking. i want to live a healthy lifestyle. i want to keep my dark secrets to myself. i want to stop lying. i want to stop analyzing my dreams. i want to sleep a good sleep every night. i want to make him believe that i want him. i want to hold hands and cuddle in doors when it’s raining outside. i want to have late supper at mcdonald’s. i want to keep track of my money. i want to redecorate mak’s place. i want to get involve with nature. i want a white horse. i want to make friends instead of flirting. i want to be a malay woman. i want to speak Javanese. i want to be appreciated. i want to be remembered. i want to be normal. i want to stop whining. i want a lot of things.

good state of mind

rambut neon yang ditiup angin.

walaupun aku bangun lewat untuk kali ketiga minggu ini, nearly broke pasal kena rip off oleh superstar DJ who often spins in europe but still refused to pay the bills, i'm in good state of mind today. i'm thinking of bang-mi-dudesweet party tonight but that means filling up for petrol which takes us back to the root of the problem: no money, no party, ley. i've done some thinking (well, i should've done it waaayyy back) so i've decided to stop whining. ha ha. meaning to stop blogging (if you haven't realized it yet, most of the entries on senandung konspirasi are whines). because happy thoughts jarang-jarang drives my writing mood. macam mana, eh? i'm slowly recovering, from my emotional distractions and whatever problems that weren't there but i made believe it were there. pathetic, tidak perlu lagi kau ingatkan aku. thank you very much. currently, i'm craving for conversations. aku semacam mahu tahu tentang sesuatu through conversations. life experiences. aku mahu tahu apa yang orang lain belajar dari kehidupan seharian mereka. like, there's this new cafe in town actually sells holy water and ecstasy for dessert. contoh lah. aku semacam tired of the same faces. okay. aku pasti mereka pun sudah bosan dengan muka aku but what the hell lah, kan? durjana city kan kecil. kita semua tidak boleh lari. tsk. (ha ha. did i just whined?)

motivational lah sangat

yesterday, i had the day off from work (tiada kerja pun, i should've done the same for today). here's the list of things i planned to do yesterday:

1. send my car to the workshop
2. find plain t-shirts for second design printing
3. print stickers
4. attend an interview in PJ
5. get bus tickets for the island getaway
6. get mili's flight ticket for the other island getaway

sending my car to the workshop was a must because these past few days i've been hearing weird noises coming out from the engine compartment (paranoid kereta rosak based on the flat tyre experience). after an hour at the workshop, supposedly fetch john.j and head to the place where plain coloured shirts are cheaper than some other places. instead he had to work on some artwork for al so we decided to meet up after my interview session at 2.30pm. so i went home, had lunch dan seperti biasa selepas makan, angin malas datang menghinggap. terusan aku lewat 30minit ke tempat temu duga. tidak mengapa sebab aku macam pandai bagi alasan yang bernas. it's the same post as i'm holding right now at the current company cuma kerjanya lain sedikit. the company is about making greeting cards for big corporate companies. the cards shown to me was beautiful. memang undeniably cantik versi korporat. di luar waktu itu, hujan lebat. and the interview suddenly changed into a one-on-one motivational talk. so the interviewer thought. i told him how every morning i dragged my feet to the office for the sake of money and i'm fed up because i've lost my passion somewhere and even totally forgotten what my passion was. he said: "from the moment i read the details you wrote here in this form, i know that you're not suitable working here." he reminded me about the price increment of petrol. he also reminded me that the payment i'm getting currently is quite high and the job is not as hectic as the other design industries. i told him how i so much wanted to study fashion when i finished school but abah wasn't too keen on the lifestyle (walhal lifestyle graphic designer pun macam lebih kurang juga) that he said i should try computer graphic. so i skipped the skill test his colleague has prepared. by the time the interview session ended, it was already 6pm and apparently the place where we're supposed to get the cheap t-shirts closes around that time. kedai print sticker itu pun sama. dan dalam kepala aku, seperti biasa mula calculate benda-benda tidak berfaedah yang kemudiannya menemui kesimpulan bahawa: i'm good at nothing. i don't have talents, i don't attend to my current job, my love life is floating without directions and i'm not sure where my family stands in my life. the things that i need are currently driving me right now. driving dengan malas. aku kekurangan fulfillments on the things that i want so things got out of hands. masalah ini hanya pada aku sebab aku memang disorganized macam ini pun. dan terlalu banyak berfikir perkara yang tidak berfaedah. i broke down and cried in front of john.j. merepek kan? mampus lah. bukannya teresak-esak pun. aku rasa semua pun tidak menjadi. pulang ke rumah, mak wanted me to come along to two weddings this weekend. bad timing pasal sekarang pemikiran aku terlalu pessimistic, i'm not in the mood to be pushed around and especially attending weddings. berjumpa orang-orang judgmental adalah perkara terakhir yang aku perlukan sekarang. ataupun tidak perlu langsung. anne, i'm sorry i snapped. mungkin hormon aku sedang bergelora.
esok, aku mahu pergi buat survey pasal dibayar rm100, kemudian hantar t-shirt ke mont kiara untuk di jual. kemudian aku mahu jumpa john.j because currently even if hati aku tidak tentu arah, akal aku kucar-kacir, whenever he's around, semua macam reda sedikit. dia macam ada banyak ion positif. aku amat perlukan yang itu. yang lain, nanti dulu. i'd like to have what i WANT, tomorrow.

need and want. which?

as i was walking back to my current workplace, after wiring anne from the bank, al texted me up, asking whether i'll be joining the two-day beach party next week with tiesto and ferry corsten. i replied that instead of partying there i'd rather go down to singapore, just for the fun of it. he invited me to go there tomorrow but i can't because it's john.j's birthday tomorrow :) and i'm still raking my brain on what i should give him. a couple of ideas all jumbled up inside my head and i can't seem to figure which one i should choose. he did asked for a pair of nike sb lastnight. but i'd rather give him something that he needs instead of something he wants. i'm no genie but i'd like to fulfill my favourite his wishes. maybe you should cross your fingers, john.j. what about a picnic? would you like to go for a birthday picnic plus a movie of my choice.? ha ha. selfish, i know. but i want his birthday to be celebrated with his fellow friends around him.
while everyone was out partying the night before (eve of labour's day), i was at home, sleeping the whole night when i was awaken by a phone call, searching for john.j. see, when somebody call you up searching for someone(not a stranger), means you're that close. two hours later, he called me up and asked "so it's already end of april. how are we?" i told him what he needs to know:
"i want you." but we can't really get what we want, right? damn to that someone who made it a well-known quote. we then decided to be normal because i didn't want to stress things up. not normal as in owh-we're-friends-so-act-like-it normal. because we're kind of used to touching each other (no. not that kind of touching) so why not just stick that way? we like each other, enjoy each other's company so i don't think putting boundaries will help the situation. boundaries will only stress things up. seriously. we'll just go where the wind blows. and if the wind blows hard, dengki to separate us, be it. not that i want it that way but we'll be strong. won't we, john.j?

happy birthday :)