the wants ranting

i want a lot of things. i want to get real with my career. i want to work the things that i like most. i want to achieve something and be respected for what i work hard for. i want to do something exciting, that doesn’t bore the hell out of me. i want to be organized, to be punctual. i want to hold and fulfill the promises i uttered. i want to drop everything and travel the world. i want to be rich and get to do the things i want and need to do. i want to buy a house that i design myself. i want to do charity. i want this broken heart to mend. i want to fall in love. i want to believe that being single is fun. i want him to be nice all over again and paint about me. i want him to keep a nude portrait of me in his wallet. i want to be written. i want him to strum his guitar for me. i want my girlfriends to feel that i’m their best friend ever. i want to grow old with them close to me. i want to hug mak everyday without feeling awkward. i want to know what KLPHQ’s considering life is all about. i want to know why they named that song ‘of polaroids and stills’. i want to sing in a band again. i want to play the guitar or piano, write great tunes and sing it for someone important to me. i want him to be honest to me. i want him to realize that i am his fate. i want her to find out the truth and suffer. i want to tell abah about his mistakes. i want to tell my brother that i’m not into his current girlfriend. i want mili to stop mingling with the wrong type of people. i want to read books for someone. i want to go around sleeping with strangers but not to be called a slut. i want her boyfriend. i want her boyfriend to want me. i want to perform bondage. i want to get married on a secluded island with only my friends attending. i want to shoot my wedding photos underwater. i want to run across the tall grasses behind my workplace. i want to eat ice-cream whenever i’m feeling down, without getting fat. i want to be skinny and look good in anything i wear. i want to have smaller breasts so men would not just look at me and think about breast-fuck. i want to speak good English. i want to learn French. i want to be smart. i want to forget and at the same time stop forgetting. i want to focus when somebody is explaining things to me. i want to be beautiful, not pretty or gorgeous, but beautiful. i want to be good with colours. i want to satisfy everyone. i want to stop daydreaming and get real. i want people to take me seriously. i want to stay young and free forever. i want to snort coke and feel sexy about it. i want to drink up alcohol and spark up conversations without worrying too much. i want to do right with my religion. i want good fortunes. i want God to know that i’m afraid of dooms day and death. i want to fight being mellow and pathetic. i want to get rid of the walls around me. I want to throw away my ego. i want to be nice. i want to talk bad things about her. i want her to know of our late night conversations. i want her bad karma to kick hard on her head. i want to stop this jealousy. i want to post general entries on my blog. i want to cook delicious meals for my loved ones. i want to shop everyday; shoes, clothes, bags, furniture. i want to clear my debts and stop worrying. i want to remember every morning to appreciate this simple kind of life i’m living everyday. i want the war to stop. i want to turn back the time and mend all the shits that happened. i want to stop being sarcastic. i want to know which way to go. i want to know what i really need and want. i want to stop spending on craps. i want to be a writer and write good stuff. i want to socialize well. i want to live a stylish lifestyle. i want to be known. i want to be left alone when i’m not in a good mood. i want to stop smoking. i want to live a healthy lifestyle. i want to keep my dark secrets to myself. i want to stop lying. i want to stop analyzing my dreams. i want to sleep a good sleep every night. i want to make him believe that i want him. i want to hold hands and cuddle in doors when it’s raining outside. i want to have late supper at mcdonald’s. i want to keep track of my money. i want to redecorate mak’s place. i want to get involve with nature. i want a white horse. i want to make friends instead of flirting. i want to be a malay woman. i want to speak Javanese. i want to be appreciated. i want to be remembered. i want to be normal. i want to stop whining. i want a lot of things.

turn me on

tak tahu kenapa. one fine day, i heard meet uncle hussain on the radio. suddenly i got goosebumps all over. i've heard them before on t.v. for Kami. but that particular one fine day, i thought he sounded so fucken sexy. so as elle & i was lying around the living hall, with my face close to hers, i asked:
"vocal meet uncle hussain tu seksi ke?" elle groaned.
"is that all that matters to you? seksi?" memang bengang gila muka dia. so i told her about my one fine day story. she said:
"diaorang dah tua. takkan kau tak pernah tengok?"
memang aku tak pernah tengok. loser gila, not even on magazine. & i totally forgot about googling them up. i don't feel like it. if you're reading this, mr. vocal of meet uncle hussain, i think your voice is very sexy & i wouldn't mind doing it with you with your song blaring on the laptop. but then again, it'll be too weird for you, listening to your own voice, ain't it? i have to admit that i get turned on by a lot of stuff. like, arthur conan doyle's sherlock holmes series or listening to placebo's running up that hill. or reading SDN. i think most of you girls feels the same way too. two thumbs up for you writers who managed to turn us on even without writing anything about sex. if all these while you've been denying the goosebumps whenever you listen to muse or saw a snippet of some guy's nice solid stomach as he flipped his shirt up, stop. just admit to it. it's normal to be having nice dirty thoughts. i once thought the intro of bittersweet's big black hole (going into) kind of generated my sex drive. secara terang-terangan, aku suka alaq. alaq yang mana satu? go figure. it's like this: anything with nafsu (for anything. not only sex) turns me on. mysteriousness turns me on. songs with deep, deep meanings turns me on. stone revival's guitar riff yang dia suka main untuk soundcheck turns me on. kisses on the neck turns me on. okay. sampai sini saja.

but for the record, here's a list of songs yang 'boleh membantu':
• placebo - running up that hill
• bic runga - precious thing
• n.e.r.d. - she wants to move
• meet uncle hussain - lagu untukmu
• jamiroquai - blow your mind
• bittersweet - get it on
• placebo - meds
• blonde redhead - elephant woman
• zimpala - can't fall asleep
• carburetor dung - mari menyanyi menjilat (live show)
• st germain - sure thing
• jimi hendrix - fire
• alex kid feat ian james whitelaw - turn it around again
• portishead - roads
• force vomit - lastnight i said goodbye
• placebo - protege moi (i know. placebo lagi)