beri aku tangan, dakapan dan good conversation

"kau cuti bila je?" aku cuba lawan bunyi geseran angin malam, holding tight on his skinny body.
"aku boleh cuti lepas tiga bulan kerja". aku jenguk meter, he was riding the scooter at 100 km/h. waktu malam, jalan kampung, tidak bertopi keledar.
"owh. nanti raya ni la kau cuti?" hujan renyai-renyai. aku menggigil sejuk.
"tu la. tapi kalau aku balik kl pun, bukannya ada sesape." hati aku tersentap.
aku lupa this long-time friend of mine sudah jadi yatim piatu.

kau tahu kan, getaways sahaja yang boleh keep my mind sane. being the mastermind of getaways, aku jadikan a colleague's wedding reception in the east satu alasan untuk kami berempat spend a night in cherating. we were lucky to get quite a comfortable place on a cheap rate considering it was still the school holidays and the state's royalties were in the area for an equestrian event. owh. aku lupa part lipas terbang dan yang cuba meng-camouflage-kan diri atas berus gigi aku. tidak mengapa pasal aku tidak menyimpan dendam. mungkin the other two roommate might have some grudge. hehe. an encounter with two long-time friends sent me back in time. walaupun sudah berubah but i still recognize the familiar parts on each of them. mills was amazed with this bizarre encounter. "macam awak, cuma versi lelaki." ya. sebenarnya ada segelintir lagi yang seperti kami, mills. kau cuma perlu tunggu the right time to meet them and see if you can handle us. geng, si kurus yang tidak ada masalah untuk bawa aku jalan-jalan dalam hujan renyai malam along the beach, sudah aku kenal 10 tahun yang lalu. boygem and i were in a band back in the early 2000. jadi malam itu, waktu teman travel yang lain sudah letih mahu berjalan, aku duduk berborak dengan kawan lama. tentang cerita yang jauh dari kota durjana, di tempat yang mereka panggil kampung yahudi kecil. "yang besar, tu ha. tempat geng keje tu." boygem cerita sambil menghembus asap rokok. aku fikir, beach life memang macam ini kan? lifestyle yang persis free thinker. jujur, aku semacam ada rasa gerun. ada suara halus kata yang aku tidak mahu end up like that pasal ya, aku memang jarang temu Dia, tapi aku masih ingat Dia, masih tahu yang hanya Dia boleh buat hati manusia tenang. cuma aku yang degil sedikit, malas sedikit. waktu dalam perjalanan pulang ke kota durjana, aku fikir. dan aku rasa. keadaan yang sangat keseorangan even though mills was just sitting next to me. sepanjang perjalanan, tiada satu pun pesanan ringkas di samsung kecil dan hanya satu panggilan salah nombor. aku fikir, kenapa perlu aku pulang ke kota durjana, there's nothing for me there. there's no one waiting for me, to greet me with a warm, friendly hug. well, mungkin ada juga yang menanti cuma aku tidak tahu. pesanan pada mereka yang sebenarnya menanti: tolong beritahu aku tentang perasaan itu. sesungguhnya aku rasa kosong, so damn alone di sini. bagi aku genggam tangan kau, cuddle dalam dakapan kau, have a good conversation with me. lelaki, perempuan. aku tidak ambil peduli, i just want those three beautiful, honest things. tapi macam susah mahu dapat yang itu.

jadi aku fikir lagi.

dan sekarang, aku mahu cari mereka yang aku kenal yang lonely. mungkin untuk mendapatkan tiga yang itu, aku perlu mula memberi yang tiga itu.

aku mahu jadi 21, umur yang legal untuk everything walaupun masih naive

an sms received:
"okay u coolest people! our game 'chopping+susun tin & galah panjang' is definitely on this sat at 9am! Yeah! -organizer keramaian bersuka-ria yg paling best -AL"

hujung minggu dihabiskan dengan muzik luar negara, mengelak bola tennis and a small cleavage galore. friday night, aku cuba berngobrol (is that how you say it?) tapi ternyata fail. jadi aku cuma berbicara in english pasal aku tidak mahu bunyi kekok, even in bahasa melayu. hidung si manager mocca, cantik. he's hot too. tapi sudah ada orang rumah ber-anak dua. pagi yang esoknya, abah pelik aku sudah bersiap awal pagi.
"where are you going?" he was wearing collared-shirt yang kadang-kadang aku pinjam kalau aku terlupa to bring along my own clothes to his house.
"nak pergi main baling selipar and galah panjang." aku sibuk mundar-mandir mengutip barang-barang untuk memberatkan beg lagi.
"ha? main galah panjang? apa ni main game budak-budak?" aku gelak. abah macam tidak percaya that his daughter yang pernah bersekolah di tengah durjana city, berumur dekat suku abad, mahu pergi main susun tin.
"exercise lah. a much fun way to do it." aku reply bersahaja.

baha.

i'm not sure whether he actually ate that or not. but yes, we did play the childhood game. and had fun. kau yang menonton estrella malam tadi, jangan terkejut that she joined us too. we tried playing rounders but decided susun tin and hitting people with tennis ball was better. selepas masing-masing pancit (of course, berlari sambil merokok) we sat together in that breezy field, munching on fried meehoon while playing with a lost kitten. it was a beautiful morning. so beautiful i didn't want it to end. ada discussion tentang a repetition. malang sekali i'm going for a wedding in the east coast this coming weekend. malamnya pula, aku kembali ke venue yang itu hari, yang ada banyak wayar berselerak, asap-asap menari-nari untuk band-band dari kota singa and a local act. tiramisu; gempak. misai persis freddie mercury kau mahal. jangan segan untuk datang lagi in your brilliant costumes. malam yang penuh scenes; pertembungan ex's, eye distractions dan lelaki-lelaki yang buat jantung aku berdebar. sunday started lazily, dengan aku sibuk texting people up for a much cheaper tickets for the evening's gig. pasal aku groupie yang hot (elle yang cakap, bukan aku sendiri) she got me three, the exact amount i needed. jenis crowd yang datang, aku sudah agak ever since i saw the flier. aku mengaku i was judgmental tapi aku tidak rasa guilty pasal memang betul pun apa yang aku telah agak. they were quite unfriendly. salute to the fridays untuk lagu retro fashion victim. sarcasm kau aku suka. owh. and your performance style too. the two MCs for the day, aku tidak berkenan sangat. sebenarnya aku memang tidak berapa gemar MCs yang bercakap banyak untuk gig mana-mana pun. the other local bands performing that night was good. i missed decma & the could have been. aku suka dangan nama yang itu tapi masih belum tahu whether i'm going to like the band personally or not. maybe next show, okay? robot asmara, lain kali main reggae. mesti tidak ada orang cakap band kau poyo. *chuckles. you know i'll always love you, elle. and the boys too. except for ajwad pasal saja je. mocca disambut macam rockstar. kudos for the cute show. they played most of their old songs and only two songs from the new album (or did i miss some other new songs, no?). aku suka juga attitude drummernya. waktu aku lihat rokok yang dikepit antara bibirnya, ada semacam aura being in a dark jazz club. itu yang aku dapat rasa. itu yang buat aku rasa dia seksi. you can't escape bad boys. haih. my weekends are getting better. so is my soul.

to like and be liked

"ei, kau sekarang memang dah takde boyfriend lah?" suara yang malas-malas, kulit gelap hasil lepak stadium (apa barang wei lepak pulau?!), mata kuyu. i nodded.
"padanlah kau macam lost je."
nice reply, dude.

and i've figured out. kira-kira, campur, tolak, darab, bahagi, pembezaan, pengamiran kemudian bundarkan. tidak perlu cari cinta yang itu. just fall in like.

"macam awak kan, berusaha untuk cuba." saturday afternoon, i was thinking whether lilac would look good on the batik i bought on one of the island getaways. dan aku kerut dahi.
"bukan try lah. i'm just enjoying the moment." pasal currently, aku hanya cintakan compliments and getaways. on skeptical mode, aku boleh jadi infatuasi kau. if you can be my infatuation too.
it's a give and take business, remember?

conversation dalam dua hati

memori
kejutkan aku
goncangkan aku
buat aku sedar

waktu
bisik pada aku
bila detiknya
mana episodnya

aku mahu tahu
hatinya lari
ke mana
hatinya lari
kenapa

hatinya lari jauh
tak mahu pulangkah?

***

setiap detik yang
aku lalui
ada suaramu
berbisik

setiap wajah yang
aku pandang
ada matamu
bertentang

aku mahu pulang
cuma aku tak mampu

kita tak mampu
takkan
termampu

- 32 X 2946 -

this hardcore moment should be cherished

dewa dewi mimpi, dewa dewi perasaan, dewa dewi cinta, dewa dewi harapan; you should be happy because you are gonna get that long holiday you've been wanting all these while. aku faham perasaan kau semua, penat dan bosan dengan kerja. ya, seperti aku juga. jadi aku beri kau semua cuti pasal malam yang satu itu, aku sudah dapat jawapan yang dicari-cari. walaupun aku tersadung sedikit tapi tidak mengapa lah. i've prepared for the worst to come. and it came. not exactly the way i predicted but it was quite the same. tapi aku tidak faham kenapa kau perlu shoot me back with that kind of question. aku tidak kisah kalau kau rasa i'm a loser for asking that peculiar question but at least aku jujur and now i've got my answer. satu score untuk malam minggu. malam yang sebelumnya pula, i've realized that the main personal reason i'm here in this world is just for sex. to be calling me out of the blue with the excuse you haven't seen me in a while and came up with a heavy hangover, cara kau memang salah untuk dapatkan apa saja that you had in mind at that moment. kalau kau rasa apa yang kau baca ini adalah a wrong impression i had on you, you know what to do. but i guess we both know, we are only each others' infatuation. nothing more, nothing less right? that's how you want it to be. jadi para dewa dewi, kau semua aku beri off day. sampai bila, aku masih belum pasti. just stay on-call. because nobody's hardcore enough.

"he's cute kan? tapi dia corrupted la." we skipped across the zebra lane.
"yeah. he's cute. but everyone else in this durjana city is corrupted. you, me, no exception." and we laughed our way up to the usual friday night hide-out.

bukan workaholic, mungkin mabuk sedikit

aku sudah tua ke? i find slumber waaayyy better than dancing in a dark smoky place where everyone else is either underage or fake. which at certain seconds, includes me too. or maybe aku sudah gila ke? pasal everytime i close my eyes, i see him. in a situation where it already happened or something that i've created in my head. and the thing is, whenever i opened my eyes, i see him too. dan aku sudah gila ke, having this urge of begging for the video of the past to be played again on the projector di mana akhir filem itu aku tahu kesudahannya. yang of course, buat aku jatuh melutut. tapi yang nyata, semalam mak ingat aku mabuk:

waktu yang tertera on my samsung's super small screen was 8.30. my mind sped up to the project i'm currently handling and its dateline. shit! aku buka pintu bedroom dengan kelam-kabut and saw mak brushing her teeth. quickly grabbing my towel i reminded mak to hurry up so i can get a quick shower.
"dah lambat dah ni!" she turned to face me.
"kau nak pergi mana?" she had a weird expression on her face.
"kerja lah." aku pusing membelakangkan mak, wanted to get my clothes off.
"kerja kat mana?" mak masih ada that weird expression. and suddenly aku fikir, eh, hari ini cuti umum ke?
"tempat biasa lah!" aku macam sedikit frustrated dengan soalan mak yang pelik.
"kau kerja hari ahad ke?" suara mak mulai lantang. eh?
Ha Ha Ha!
"apo kau mabuk ko?!" kan dah sebijik kena loghat mother tounge dia.

i was even about to text my colleagues informing them of me coming in late. ha'ah. responsible kan aku? pelik. mahu kata aku workaholic, tidak juga. entah apa angin yang sampuk aku pagi ahad semalam.

sarcasm in me

since she's done with her practical at a certain hotel in the city, mili and her friends went for a getaway to pangkor. she's never been to small islands before and she has only seen my pictures of it. so i guess she had the idea of a chalet in front of the beach where she can go into the water anytime she wants. she text me up yesterday as they arrived on the island:

xxx071
i tot of running on d beach n watch sunset but we r staying in an aprtmnt n i cant even see the beach.rasa mcm nak nangis :(

xxx112
its ok.try comparing pangkor n ur practical plc.besides we r going to phuket pun n perhentian will be around lagi.

xxx071
u r so nice.now i feel better.thanks :)

xxx112
of course im nice.i passed someone i love to a croptop bitch,right? :)

xxx071
hahaha! that's a good one!

xxx112
owh.lupa nak ckp.zatix thought that ex-heart brought along carlitto to the wdding.right.yg brbj kby la kan.

xxx071
AHAHAHAHAHA!!!now im LAUGHING out loud!!!


kadang-kadang kalau jadi jahat rasa best. macam puas hati. jadi baik selalu pun tiada guna. nobody acknowledge pun. lagi buat sakit hati ada lah.

*carlitto is a male colleague

like wo-ow-ow

disko jumaat malam had to be canceled and i was found sleeping in the favourite maxi with a fever. tiba-tiba saja. saturday was spent nude around the house while rearranging the bedroom's furnitures' position. berseorangan di rumah, aku boleh buat apa saja. termasuk buat kerja half-way and left quite a mess in the living room. sorry lavid. but i was already late for a depressed friend waiting in durjana city and also that party. it was a well-spent saturday night despite my head aching by the second set. owh. must be because our table was exactly in front of the amps and kadang-kadang dentuman bass yang macam mahu keluarkan jantung. but at the end of the night, i had my face in the palms of al's hands.
"why are you looking down?" aku cerita yang aku cemburu.
"kenapa kena selalu dia???" oops. al macam marah dan kemudian dia kata yang dia mahu aku happy. that i should spend more time with him and the others. aku sengih. gotta fake it, innit? hari yang esoknya, aku nampak dia depan mata, aku nampak sesuatu yang sudah biasa tapi malangnya aku nampak situasi itu; macam mimpi and that person, she looked nothing like me. part yang itu, rasa asing, bukan biasa lagi. and it was raining, supplying the best prop for the scene. kena dengan mood. jadi aku cari teman bicara. it's been a while since i met tashe, so i steered my way to bijou bazaar.
"do you still have feelings for him?" i asked about her past while flipping through the second-hand tops. tashe nodded.
"you?" erm...
"i guess ye la kot since you're jealous, right?" tashe was holding the two white tops she was contemplating on buying. i shrugged.
"i guess so."
it was good having that session with her. by evening, i was more excited on putting the cd i just bought on the car's player rather than thinking pathetically on what i wanted in the first place. satu quote yang aku simpan elok-elok in my mind, putting it nicely next to 'the least you can do is wash the dishes', adalah ayat yang keluar dari mulut tashe: you can never win everything. i want an affectionate partner, who won't have problems with PDAs and i need someone who i can converse with. aku akan tunggu satu hari itu datang dan lihat mana satu yang aku dapat genggam. you know, i hate her, that crop-top bitch tapi bersyukur aku kerana aku masih punya hati. somehow aku tidak langsung menyumpah their relationship pasal in the first place, siapa cari pasal dulu? siapa yang tidak tahan menjadi bodoh untuk kali yang ke berapa pun aku sudah lupa? siapa yang tidak mahu jadi sakit jiwa memikirkan benda yang sama berulang kali? life is fair pun. kalau yang sedang terjadi itu salah, karma akan datang. esok ke, minggu depan ke, lima tahun lagi ke, we don't know. aku percaya karma. mungkin my good karma will come smiling at me nanti. come to think of it, the weekend wasn't that bad. after all, i had john. j as dessert.

by the way, i dropped roti's cd and bought malique's instead. okay is good lah, for now.

berjalan di bawah langit konkrit

"aku cakap kat diaorang, bukan senang nak berjalan menghirup udara segar macam ni." lavid exhaled cigarette smoke through her mouth. i gave her a straight face.
"segar lah sangat."

good state of mind

rambut neon yang ditiup angin.

walaupun aku bangun lewat untuk kali ketiga minggu ini, nearly broke pasal kena rip off oleh superstar DJ who often spins in europe but still refused to pay the bills, i'm in good state of mind today. i'm thinking of bang-mi-dudesweet party tonight but that means filling up for petrol which takes us back to the root of the problem: no money, no party, ley. i've done some thinking (well, i should've done it waaayyy back) so i've decided to stop whining. ha ha. meaning to stop blogging (if you haven't realized it yet, most of the entries on senandung konspirasi are whines). because happy thoughts jarang-jarang drives my writing mood. macam mana, eh? i'm slowly recovering, from my emotional distractions and whatever problems that weren't there but i made believe it were there. pathetic, tidak perlu lagi kau ingatkan aku. thank you very much. currently, i'm craving for conversations. aku semacam mahu tahu tentang sesuatu through conversations. life experiences. aku mahu tahu apa yang orang lain belajar dari kehidupan seharian mereka. like, there's this new cafe in town actually sells holy water and ecstasy for dessert. contoh lah. aku semacam tired of the same faces. okay. aku pasti mereka pun sudah bosan dengan muka aku but what the hell lah, kan? durjana city kan kecil. kita semua tidak boleh lari. tsk. (ha ha. did i just whined?)

default answer

1. sedang mata aku melilau membaca text against the white screen in front of me, elle sibuk membuat nescafe di dapur.
"kau jarang cakap pasal lucid kan?" she asked, putting two tall cups on the table.
"yeah..." mata aku masih melekat di skrin laptop.
"aku sedar kau tak banyak cerita sangat pasal lucid berbanding azuki. you don't love lucid, do you?" buat aku shrug my shoulders. to neutralize the situation, aku ketawa kecil.
"mungkin macam my love life. not ready yet to take the same kind of responsibilities. or aku masih rindu kot," i joked. dia jeling.
"meaning lucid tu cuma macam infatuation?" bunyinya macam mahu marah. aku gelak.
"entah." and proceed scrolling the page in front of me.



2. "aku rasa aku perlu jumpa psychiatrist." anne turned to look at me. her eyes wandered across my face searching for possible answers that maybe can led to the sentence i just blurted out.
"why?" she asked when she couldn't find the answer.
"i don't know. i just feel like doing so." i shrugged.



3. john.j, bila soalan yang ditanya-nya, aku jawab dengan jawapan yang sama, dia akan kata:
"come on. kita makan sebab lapar, kan?" dan aku akan tergelak. bila dia tanya lagi soalan yang sama, otak aku cuba memproses jawapan.
"hmm...i don't know."



tiga conversations, dengan jawapan yang sama. slowly realizing it, this is the root of my problems. i don't know what i want. i don't even know what i don't know.

jujur aku lupa

last night me and my colleagues went to my favourite pharmacy to get stuff for our island getaway. as i was searching for sunblock, cooling gel plus raking my brains on what i should bring along, a hand tapped on my arms. looking up, it was my ex's (yang lama dulu sebelum ex-heart) girlfriend.

"hello! what are you doing here?"
"i tinggal kajang lah," dee answered. and the conversation went on about what she's currently doing, why i was there at the pharmacy and owh. "you look slimmer and prettier now." to which i've found the nicest, down-to-earth reply: "mana ada. but thanks. i like your eyes' perspective." aku rasa aku dah pandai confront statement macam itu. he he. the next part of the conversation got better,
"eh, urm...i nak tanya you lah," she went on. i don't know why, but i kind of knew what she was about to ask me.
"you dah break dengan boyfriend you eh?" kan aku sudah agak.
"yeah. why? you pun kenal (insert current ex's name here) ?" aku pula yang tanya.
"owh. tak. hari tu i nampak my friend punya friend dengan dia. are they like, together now?"
"well, i guess so," aku jawab with the sweetest smile ever. ugh. dunia semakin menghimpit.
"really? ish, kesian you." her reply which surprised me. agaknya dia sudah tidak tahu how to react to that. sweet.
"no lah. okay lah tu. better that way." dan aku sambung dalam hati 'that's what i wanted anyway'.
"so you single lah ni?" dee asked. adakah mungkin dia risau yang aku akan cari boyfriendnya pula? i'm not like that, i think. i wonder if i do seem to her like the type who'd contact her ex if ever i'm out of any relationship. or the type who grabs somebody else's boyfriend. bukanlah. pasal aku sudah kecut sama karma. eh, tapi aku tidak pernah pun terfikir untuk merampas hak sesiapa, ya.
"i guess so. but i'm currently seeing someone." and i could see a tiny, little 'phew' on her face. atau mungkin perasaan aku sahaja. conversation selepas itu macam merepek pasal aku sememangnya tidak tahu untuk create a decent conversation with an ex's girlfriend. (owh! aku baru teringat. mungkin dia curious with my current status pasal when she said she's gonna continue her studies in kuantan, aku provoke "habislah. so far away from your boyfriend." aduh. is that the best statement i could come up with?!) but i reminded her that her current boyfriend won't do stuff behind her back. satu lagi statement yang aku rasa salah juga pasal that statement macam menunjukkan bahawa i know her boyfriend better. alahai... these are the reasons on why i hate making conversations with strangers. might as well shut myself up, kan?
dinner at the fast food outlet, was bingit with laughters. ya! zatix was doing the alien-side of her again. tapi kalau tiada dia waktu getaway nanti, tentu bosan. tiada subjek untuk dibahan. ha ha. and then we started talking about my previous relationship where cikanum said "mr.E selalu cerita kat aku pasal kau dengan (insert ex's name here)."
and mills added "ha'ah. masa awak duduk kat belakang tu, sampai ke tempat saya boleh dengar awak nangis." what?! i cried that loud? owh no... i did not...
"betul. sampai ada satu masa tu the whole office senyap and siap bangun, trying to check you out." owh. no. no. no. teruk sampai macam itu? gila.
"but i don't remember telling mr.E about it. did i?" aku tanya jujur.
"wei, dia kata kau siap tunjuk kat dia messages ex-boyfriend kau dengan that girl. kau tak ingat ke?" cikanum asked. aku geleng kepala, jujur tidak langsung mengingati situasi itu. aku sendiri rasa pelik kenapa perlu aku ceritakan benda-benda remeh begitu pada boyfriendnya. macam kelakar saja. aku toleh kepada zatix and she had this straight face on her. she mouthed "gila". hahaha! okay. sumpah aku lupa.
"mungkin kau memang dalam keadaan tak sedar kot. and kau jenis yang main cerita je dengan sesiapa yang ada dekat kau time tu," zatix mengeluarkan pendapat. mungkin. ish. kenapa aku jadi begitu teruk? mungkin betul cakap zatix the other day at the office,
"kau ni macam tak hidup. macam takde kat sini. aku rasa kau ni tak betul lah."

heh.

a good morning vision

(10:50 AM) nikolay tyutyunnik: every morning i try to appreciate things that i have
(10:50 AM) nikolay tyutyunnik: i'm starting to feel it coming back to me
(10:50 AM) nikolay tyutyunnik: hehe
(10:50 AM) isaa: hehehehe
(10:50 AM) isaa: cool
(10:51 AM) isaa: every morning
(10:51 AM) isaa: i tell myself not to drive like a mad woman
(10:51 AM) isaa: i might kill myself
(10:51 AM) nikolay tyutyunnik: WAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

my hexagon wall

"aah! uncle! very nicely done!"

"thanks. but what do you need this for? if you were to be staying inside this fort-like wall, how are you supposed to communicate with other people?"

"well, isn't that the whole point of building this? to avoid them? i feel secured like that, you know?"

"hmph. i still don't get it."

"you see, i'm afraid i can't deal with certain things. people, to be specific. so i've decided i should just keep things to myself. i don't think those people out there would mind. they won't care, anyway. besides, it's a relief for them so i won't bore them with my shits and craps."

"you think so?"

"i'm sure. positive."

"but you do know building this wall is part of a negative thinking, right?"

"uncle, i'm paying for this. and i need it fast."

"okay. whatever suits you."

smiles sweetly, "thank you."

selingan lucu hari ini

later today at 6pm, anne & i are going to ikano so that i can get my dress with a matching mask.

(2:18 PM) nikolay tyutyunnik: eh anne
(2:18 PM) nikolay tyutyunnik: dah pukul 6 la
(2:18 PM) nikolay tyutyunnik: jom
(2:19 PM) anne: aku percaya ok
(2:19 PM) anne: aku terpikir
(2:19 PM) anne: eh..
(2:19 PM) anne: aku tadi tgh tunggu kopi
(2:19 PM) anne: mungkin aku dah minum aku lupe kot
(2:20 PM) nikolay tyutyunnik: aku dan kongkong sdg mentertawakan ko

-_- anne terlalu mudah percaya.

p/s: one morning i received a spam-mail about cheap viagras from a nikolay tyutyunnik. haha. what a funny name. i like.