guilty pleasures

berdiri di sisi tingkap bilik, menghembus asap rokok dan aku perhatikan dots of light di crossroads sana. aku intai pada tingkap-tingkap yang lain kalau ada mereka yang sedang memerhatikan dots of light yang sama. atau mungkin sedang mengintai aku yang sedang memerhati. si cina yang menggesel di pintu datang menyapa. cuma keluh saja yang aku balas. toleh ke luar, aku sambung pemerhatian. dalam kepala, ada a couple of neon shots moving around. i felt used. tapi perasaan itu tidak begitu kuat. pasal kita semua kan pengguna. semuanya friends with benefits. kalau aku rasa dipergunakan, aku pun ada mempergunakan juga. i felt numb but more like a bitch. ini ke rasa bitchy yang aku cuba ceritakan pada mili malam sebelumnya when she asked me why in the world did i do such a stupid and embarrassing thing. aku jawab, "saja. mahu rasa macam mana being a bitch." gatal. mahu play with fire padahal a coward. dalam kepala aku ada karma yang marah. yang threaten tentang future. aku teringat anne who warned me, said something about betting her life on karma and the karma will not only come back to me but also to my closests. kemudian aku bicara sendiri. what if aku adalah bad karma for that person? macam bukan kehendak aku but too bad, karma kau datang dalam bentuk perempuan voluptuous yang seductive. okay lah. sebenarnya aku mahu jadi jahat tapi takut pasal deep inside aku ini quite a sensible, nice person. the type yang kalau drive, safety belt mesti pakai, mahu belok kanan mesti beri signal, yang mahu beli kereta tapi tengok keselesaan back seat padahal aku hanya akan duduk di driver's seat most of the time. aih. these guilty conscience. esok dia hilang lah kan?
but yeah, i had fun on the roller coaster ride. tapi biasalah manusia, kalau benda fun, siapa yang tidak mahu lagi, lagi dan lagi? walaupun consequences-nya boleh buat tangan kau terbakar. isk.

like wo-ow-ow

disko jumaat malam had to be canceled and i was found sleeping in the favourite maxi with a fever. tiba-tiba saja. saturday was spent nude around the house while rearranging the bedroom's furnitures' position. berseorangan di rumah, aku boleh buat apa saja. termasuk buat kerja half-way and left quite a mess in the living room. sorry lavid. but i was already late for a depressed friend waiting in durjana city and also that party. it was a well-spent saturday night despite my head aching by the second set. owh. must be because our table was exactly in front of the amps and kadang-kadang dentuman bass yang macam mahu keluarkan jantung. but at the end of the night, i had my face in the palms of al's hands.
"why are you looking down?" aku cerita yang aku cemburu.
"kenapa kena selalu dia???" oops. al macam marah dan kemudian dia kata yang dia mahu aku happy. that i should spend more time with him and the others. aku sengih. gotta fake it, innit? hari yang esoknya, aku nampak dia depan mata, aku nampak sesuatu yang sudah biasa tapi malangnya aku nampak situasi itu; macam mimpi and that person, she looked nothing like me. part yang itu, rasa asing, bukan biasa lagi. and it was raining, supplying the best prop for the scene. kena dengan mood. jadi aku cari teman bicara. it's been a while since i met tashe, so i steered my way to bijou bazaar.
"do you still have feelings for him?" i asked about her past while flipping through the second-hand tops. tashe nodded.
"you?" erm...
"i guess ye la kot since you're jealous, right?" tashe was holding the two white tops she was contemplating on buying. i shrugged.
"i guess so."
it was good having that session with her. by evening, i was more excited on putting the cd i just bought on the car's player rather than thinking pathetically on what i wanted in the first place. satu quote yang aku simpan elok-elok in my mind, putting it nicely next to 'the least you can do is wash the dishes', adalah ayat yang keluar dari mulut tashe: you can never win everything. i want an affectionate partner, who won't have problems with PDAs and i need someone who i can converse with. aku akan tunggu satu hari itu datang dan lihat mana satu yang aku dapat genggam. you know, i hate her, that crop-top bitch tapi bersyukur aku kerana aku masih punya hati. somehow aku tidak langsung menyumpah their relationship pasal in the first place, siapa cari pasal dulu? siapa yang tidak tahan menjadi bodoh untuk kali yang ke berapa pun aku sudah lupa? siapa yang tidak mahu jadi sakit jiwa memikirkan benda yang sama berulang kali? life is fair pun. kalau yang sedang terjadi itu salah, karma akan datang. esok ke, minggu depan ke, lima tahun lagi ke, we don't know. aku percaya karma. mungkin my good karma will come smiling at me nanti. come to think of it, the weekend wasn't that bad. after all, i had john. j as dessert.

by the way, i dropped roti's cd and bought malique's instead. okay is good lah, for now.

second chances

for lunch today, pizzas were served in celebration of the boss's 60th birthday. tapi tiada gunanya pun makan banyak sebab akan terkeluar juga nanti. owh. sudah keluar pun. since last week, the purging and vomiting came back to haunt. dan aku paranoid untuk tidur. because every morning at 3am-4am, i'll wake up with everything rushing back to my head causing emotional breakdowns. weekend, i forced myself to stay awake until the break of dawn so that i'll be very tired, sleep and only wake up when the sun's come up. friday, aku macam hilang akal. mundar-mandir tanpa arah tujuan. mahu tidur and forget everything but was too paranoid waking up alone in the middle of the night and cry for something that i should have stopped long time ago. pictures are manipulatives but they tell 1001 stories. when i saw those pictures, rasa macam ada satu kuasa yang menikam dan menoreh aku dari belakang. i shouldn't have, should i? pasal aku tahu sebenarnya mulut saja yang bicara kuat tapi bukan hati dan rohani aku. maybe what i found out are the amended things. like how i said to him. what happened to us couldn't be amended anymore. instead we mend them with the next chapter, different beings. a real fresh start. aku fikir tentang yang lepas-lepas. aku terima bila karma bersuara, "nah. sekarang giliran kau pula. we both know that you've been waiting for this." the conversation with anne last night was refreshing. "he was your first real relationship. the first try selalunya ada silap. the second one, you can be better because now you know the route. and this time, if it goes wrong again, maybe there must be something wrong with you." of course, it takes two to tango.

all i had for the weekend was a gift to brag

"nah. here's the money that i owe you, for you to go & buy me my birthday gift," i shoved RM150 to mili's hand. she gave me back a hundred for me to go & get it myself. well that's not too nice, is it? so i told her to get the gift. & if she couldn't find one that fits, there's always next year. then we continued our journey to the hypermarket to get some provisions for abah. since i had wasted 4 hours that saturday afternoon for slumber, i insisted that we go to MPH first before the groceries. langkah kanan. but kind of langkah kiri for mili because MPH was doing a sale on some of the books & i came across a book entitled: The Rolling Stones, A Life On The Road. ha ha. note: there are 3 places mili & i will spend like forever at: a) thrift store b) bookstore c) hypermarket. anyways, she got me that big book of the rolling stones & a book on celebrities' truths or lies by some pop writer. that rolling stones book is my favourite gift so far (because i got to choose) & i wouldn't mind bragging about it to just about anyone.

later that night, al & i decided we should do the movie session we've been planning since the last 2-3 weeks. he was excited, coming over to pick me up in his classic BMW with sunroof. it's really classic because you have to twind the knob (yang macam kat tingkap kereta tu) to open/close the sunroof. our movie session started off late because we thought it'll be nice to drive to the only reggae bar in the city where anne & di 'ada hal'. by the time we reached al's place, it was too sleepy for us to stay focus & al passed out first before i crashed in. earlier he said of a breakfast at the cafe & yada yada yada & we woke up at 12 which al was already late for a soundcheck session at a nearby mall. breakfast? right. it rained lightly that sunday afternoon & i thought of opening the sunroof but i don't know if al would agree to that. i wonder how it'd feel like. i should get a sunroof for my kenari, no?
"do you love 'heart?" al asked, while maneuvering the steering wheel.
"well, aku sayang dia. i do get jealous at times."
"i think you love him but NOT in love with him. if you are, there won't be any hesitations in answering the question itself." GULP. his answer was true for i know that myself. i wanted to deny his facts. i thought if i brush away all these negative ideas, i'll be in love with 'heart once more. but i don't like the feeling of 'heart hanging out with his friends which is what he's been doing currently with the reason that his friend is flying off to Libya & will only be back in october. fiiiiine with me. yes. i am that selfish of a person. al said sometimes, you just have to face the fact that the people that you love & loves you back doesn't think much about you. maybe i did the same towards him before. i should be carefree. and should stop thinking too much. it's just karma, right? he'll miss me when his friend's not around later. after all these hoo-haas, everything'll be fine, right?