di tengah pagi buta, si dewa mimpi datang meniup anasir-anasir dengki

i'm scared of falling asleep tonight. if only the morning sun would come early tomorrow so i'll be able to skip the miseries of night time.

bukankah ketara? ini sebenarnya hukuman pada mereka yang tidak setia pada-Nya.

second chances

for lunch today, pizzas were served in celebration of the boss's 60th birthday. tapi tiada gunanya pun makan banyak sebab akan terkeluar juga nanti. owh. sudah keluar pun. since last week, the purging and vomiting came back to haunt. dan aku paranoid untuk tidur. because every morning at 3am-4am, i'll wake up with everything rushing back to my head causing emotional breakdowns. weekend, i forced myself to stay awake until the break of dawn so that i'll be very tired, sleep and only wake up when the sun's come up. friday, aku macam hilang akal. mundar-mandir tanpa arah tujuan. mahu tidur and forget everything but was too paranoid waking up alone in the middle of the night and cry for something that i should have stopped long time ago. pictures are manipulatives but they tell 1001 stories. when i saw those pictures, rasa macam ada satu kuasa yang menikam dan menoreh aku dari belakang. i shouldn't have, should i? pasal aku tahu sebenarnya mulut saja yang bicara kuat tapi bukan hati dan rohani aku. maybe what i found out are the amended things. like how i said to him. what happened to us couldn't be amended anymore. instead we mend them with the next chapter, different beings. a real fresh start. aku fikir tentang yang lepas-lepas. aku terima bila karma bersuara, "nah. sekarang giliran kau pula. we both know that you've been waiting for this." the conversation with anne last night was refreshing. "he was your first real relationship. the first try selalunya ada silap. the second one, you can be better because now you know the route. and this time, if it goes wrong again, maybe there must be something wrong with you." of course, it takes two to tango.

the aftermath of taking a break

friday didn't start that good. we had an argument. i was the one who started it. i told 'heart i had enough. my mind was going crazy. i was scared of myself. those psycho girlfriends who wouldn't let their partners to be friends with other girls, who control most of their partners' daily activities: i was becoming one of them though refuse to be among them. my previous aches were not fully healed. i have become paranoid, with burning jealousy and full of hate. i need a break from all these. but 'heart wasn't helping. he said he could change, make things better for me. he said that before but it's all the same. my emotions are sore and my mind's tired. setahun aku sabar tapi malangnya, aku terlalu lemah untuk bersabar lagi. salah aku yang masih mengungkit. only because everything's connected. it's not that i'm not sorry. i am. sad, that this is what's becoming of a relationship that i trusted to stay for a long time. maybe forever. this time, it's my heart that i have to listen to. i had to be selfish. just this once. don't question keikhlasan kalau dalam masa yang sama kau memaksa aku untuk masih di sini. let me heal. if you really love me like you said so, you'll wait right? i still love you. so very much. but being with you currently, is making everything worse. we both need this break. but if at the same time you still do whatever stuff that creates this mess, then there's no point anymore.
last week, i met a guy on the internet. a friend of a friend. a very artsy-fartsy person. also a son of a local known artist. i was fascinated by john. he got this dirty bad boy look and conversation with him makes me smile sheepishly. terngiang di telinga aku pendapat anne dan al: "kau memang suka bad boys hanging out by the bar kan?" which i denied. of course. my middle name is 'denial'. so, yeah. there's just something about the mysterious air surrounding them. in two days time, john got me excited. for no particular reason. and after a long time, i'm sexually attracted to some stranger. no kucing-love business here. he got me thinking of how it would feel to be tasting his lips. he got me parked far away from the toll booth that i had to get out of my car to pay for the toll fees. padah banyak sangat berangan. heee...but, i also have another middle name: 'deep shit'. yesterday lunch, i got a call from a woman who turned out to be, john's mom. gila. i refused her request of conversation by telling her that i was busy cooking lunch (right.) and maybe she'd change her mind after that to call me later. but i guess she was really serious about it because 45mins later, she called again. from her first call, i guess her intention was to stop me befriending him to avoid bad influence yada, yada, yada. but she didn't. instead, the reason she called was to ask me guide john in a good way. kind of depending on me to lead him there. she gave me a lecture on youths nowadays are so ignorant of what's happening around them, that they should work out to get the best of the country and that if we're still bergoyang kaki, the country might end up like Bosnia. sigh. the things i get myself into. apparently, john's a divorcee and his mom said something about some bad-intentioned person putting some black-magic spell on him. and i'm supposed to get him out of his depression mode in a good way. to always turn to God instead of alcohol and happy pills. aunty, sebenarnya saya pun tidaklah sebaik mana, saya rasa saya tidak mampu untuk berbuat sedemikian. but i said okay because i just had to get off the phone. 5mins later, she sms me to not tell john about the phone call. sesuai. owh. i think she got my number from john's sister's phone because he sent me a message using her number. john, why didn't you delete the sent message? now i wish that his mom would just tell me to stop contacting him instead of this. i'm no good with parents. 'heart always had to drag me to his family's house because always, i'd make up excuses to avoid coming over. now this? i guy that i just met last week and his mom's calling me already?? i asked mili if it's a sign to just stick to whatever's here for me and she said: "no. it's a new step. a step to your most avoided zone: parents." i'm skeptical about her opinion. but i'm still thinking about john and his lips. his mom should've been a major turn-off, right? right? right???

we can't always get what we want. but maybe the things that we already have are the ones that we really need.