aku mahu jadi 21, umur yang legal untuk everything walaupun masih naive

an sms received:
"okay u coolest people! our game 'chopping+susun tin & galah panjang' is definitely on this sat at 9am! Yeah! -organizer keramaian bersuka-ria yg paling best -AL"

hujung minggu dihabiskan dengan muzik luar negara, mengelak bola tennis and a small cleavage galore. friday night, aku cuba berngobrol (is that how you say it?) tapi ternyata fail. jadi aku cuma berbicara in english pasal aku tidak mahu bunyi kekok, even in bahasa melayu. hidung si manager mocca, cantik. he's hot too. tapi sudah ada orang rumah ber-anak dua. pagi yang esoknya, abah pelik aku sudah bersiap awal pagi.
"where are you going?" he was wearing collared-shirt yang kadang-kadang aku pinjam kalau aku terlupa to bring along my own clothes to his house.
"nak pergi main baling selipar and galah panjang." aku sibuk mundar-mandir mengutip barang-barang untuk memberatkan beg lagi.
"ha? main galah panjang? apa ni main game budak-budak?" aku gelak. abah macam tidak percaya that his daughter yang pernah bersekolah di tengah durjana city, berumur dekat suku abad, mahu pergi main susun tin.
"exercise lah. a much fun way to do it." aku reply bersahaja.

baha.

i'm not sure whether he actually ate that or not. but yes, we did play the childhood game. and had fun. kau yang menonton estrella malam tadi, jangan terkejut that she joined us too. we tried playing rounders but decided susun tin and hitting people with tennis ball was better. selepas masing-masing pancit (of course, berlari sambil merokok) we sat together in that breezy field, munching on fried meehoon while playing with a lost kitten. it was a beautiful morning. so beautiful i didn't want it to end. ada discussion tentang a repetition. malang sekali i'm going for a wedding in the east coast this coming weekend. malamnya pula, aku kembali ke venue yang itu hari, yang ada banyak wayar berselerak, asap-asap menari-nari untuk band-band dari kota singa and a local act. tiramisu; gempak. misai persis freddie mercury kau mahal. jangan segan untuk datang lagi in your brilliant costumes. malam yang penuh scenes; pertembungan ex's, eye distractions dan lelaki-lelaki yang buat jantung aku berdebar. sunday started lazily, dengan aku sibuk texting people up for a much cheaper tickets for the evening's gig. pasal aku groupie yang hot (elle yang cakap, bukan aku sendiri) she got me three, the exact amount i needed. jenis crowd yang datang, aku sudah agak ever since i saw the flier. aku mengaku i was judgmental tapi aku tidak rasa guilty pasal memang betul pun apa yang aku telah agak. they were quite unfriendly. salute to the fridays untuk lagu retro fashion victim. sarcasm kau aku suka. owh. and your performance style too. the two MCs for the day, aku tidak berkenan sangat. sebenarnya aku memang tidak berapa gemar MCs yang bercakap banyak untuk gig mana-mana pun. the other local bands performing that night was good. i missed decma & the could have been. aku suka dangan nama yang itu tapi masih belum tahu whether i'm going to like the band personally or not. maybe next show, okay? robot asmara, lain kali main reggae. mesti tidak ada orang cakap band kau poyo. *chuckles. you know i'll always love you, elle. and the boys too. except for ajwad pasal saja je. mocca disambut macam rockstar. kudos for the cute show. they played most of their old songs and only two songs from the new album (or did i miss some other new songs, no?). aku suka juga attitude drummernya. waktu aku lihat rokok yang dikepit antara bibirnya, ada semacam aura being in a dark jazz club. itu yang aku dapat rasa. itu yang buat aku rasa dia seksi. you can't escape bad boys. haih. my weekends are getting better. so is my soul.

kau boleh genggam dan crashkan-nya dengan bare hands kau saja pasal age is just a number

aku suka stage yang berselerak, semak dengan wayar-wayar yang berkeliaran, bunyi-bunyi yang kau strum lantas keluar raging through the amps. cahaya malap yang bagi effect silhouette dengan asap-asap tembakau lalu-lalang buat aku tenggelam dalam vortex sound. familiar faces, komuniti lepak hujung minggu 10 tahun yang lalu giving out familiar nods. old time jokes. reminiscences. young and wasted. age is just a number. tapi age yang kerap ditambah, dan ditambah lagi, comes responsibilities. young; macam jauh nun di belakang sana. wasted; hilang terus dari kamus hidup. tapi aku tahu juga, kau semua tentu bersyukur dengan phrase yang satu ini.

once in a blue moon.

age is just a number. and the system, like rules, are made to be broken.

bukan workaholic, mungkin mabuk sedikit

aku sudah tua ke? i find slumber waaayyy better than dancing in a dark smoky place where everyone else is either underage or fake. which at certain seconds, includes me too. or maybe aku sudah gila ke? pasal everytime i close my eyes, i see him. in a situation where it already happened or something that i've created in my head. and the thing is, whenever i opened my eyes, i see him too. dan aku sudah gila ke, having this urge of begging for the video of the past to be played again on the projector di mana akhir filem itu aku tahu kesudahannya. yang of course, buat aku jatuh melutut. tapi yang nyata, semalam mak ingat aku mabuk:

waktu yang tertera on my samsung's super small screen was 8.30. my mind sped up to the project i'm currently handling and its dateline. shit! aku buka pintu bedroom dengan kelam-kabut and saw mak brushing her teeth. quickly grabbing my towel i reminded mak to hurry up so i can get a quick shower.
"dah lambat dah ni!" she turned to face me.
"kau nak pergi mana?" she had a weird expression on her face.
"kerja lah." aku pusing membelakangkan mak, wanted to get my clothes off.
"kerja kat mana?" mak masih ada that weird expression. and suddenly aku fikir, eh, hari ini cuti umum ke?
"tempat biasa lah!" aku macam sedikit frustrated dengan soalan mak yang pelik.
"kau kerja hari ahad ke?" suara mak mulai lantang. eh?
Ha Ha Ha!
"apo kau mabuk ko?!" kan dah sebijik kena loghat mother tounge dia.

i was even about to text my colleagues informing them of me coming in late. ha'ah. responsible kan aku? pelik. mahu kata aku workaholic, tidak juga. entah apa angin yang sampuk aku pagi ahad semalam.

like wo-ow-ow

disko jumaat malam had to be canceled and i was found sleeping in the favourite maxi with a fever. tiba-tiba saja. saturday was spent nude around the house while rearranging the bedroom's furnitures' position. berseorangan di rumah, aku boleh buat apa saja. termasuk buat kerja half-way and left quite a mess in the living room. sorry lavid. but i was already late for a depressed friend waiting in durjana city and also that party. it was a well-spent saturday night despite my head aching by the second set. owh. must be because our table was exactly in front of the amps and kadang-kadang dentuman bass yang macam mahu keluarkan jantung. but at the end of the night, i had my face in the palms of al's hands.
"why are you looking down?" aku cerita yang aku cemburu.
"kenapa kena selalu dia???" oops. al macam marah dan kemudian dia kata yang dia mahu aku happy. that i should spend more time with him and the others. aku sengih. gotta fake it, innit? hari yang esoknya, aku nampak dia depan mata, aku nampak sesuatu yang sudah biasa tapi malangnya aku nampak situasi itu; macam mimpi and that person, she looked nothing like me. part yang itu, rasa asing, bukan biasa lagi. and it was raining, supplying the best prop for the scene. kena dengan mood. jadi aku cari teman bicara. it's been a while since i met tashe, so i steered my way to bijou bazaar.
"do you still have feelings for him?" i asked about her past while flipping through the second-hand tops. tashe nodded.
"you?" erm...
"i guess ye la kot since you're jealous, right?" tashe was holding the two white tops she was contemplating on buying. i shrugged.
"i guess so."
it was good having that session with her. by evening, i was more excited on putting the cd i just bought on the car's player rather than thinking pathetically on what i wanted in the first place. satu quote yang aku simpan elok-elok in my mind, putting it nicely next to 'the least you can do is wash the dishes', adalah ayat yang keluar dari mulut tashe: you can never win everything. i want an affectionate partner, who won't have problems with PDAs and i need someone who i can converse with. aku akan tunggu satu hari itu datang dan lihat mana satu yang aku dapat genggam. you know, i hate her, that crop-top bitch tapi bersyukur aku kerana aku masih punya hati. somehow aku tidak langsung menyumpah their relationship pasal in the first place, siapa cari pasal dulu? siapa yang tidak tahan menjadi bodoh untuk kali yang ke berapa pun aku sudah lupa? siapa yang tidak mahu jadi sakit jiwa memikirkan benda yang sama berulang kali? life is fair pun. kalau yang sedang terjadi itu salah, karma akan datang. esok ke, minggu depan ke, lima tahun lagi ke, we don't know. aku percaya karma. mungkin my good karma will come smiling at me nanti. come to think of it, the weekend wasn't that bad. after all, i had john. j as dessert.

by the way, i dropped roti's cd and bought malique's instead. okay is good lah, for now.

weekend yang awkward sedikit

perkara pertama yang bermain di kepala aku sewaktu menunggu flight pulang ke kota durjana dari pantai timur minggu lepas adalah what shall i look forward to the coming weekend. raking my brain, i remembered of a friend's exhibition on the 20th. so for last weekend, i didn't get too much rest nor sleep from friday to sunday night. it was a weird sort of adventurous (?) weekend for me. friday, elle (who got her boyfriend out of town) and i drove to city for pelan pelan dan bilik gerakan's exhibition launch. from what i saw, and from how i know him plus judging from what i've heard, the arts displayed was like the artist himself. mungkin ada sedikit berbaur politikal, no? i rest my case awal-awal lagi pasal i'm not experienced pun in criticizing arts. or anything. the awkward moment, which was a cue for us to head to our usual friday club, was when a female politician who's now handling the area where my mom's house is came and sat behind us. eating there was already awkward (well, for me. masalah aku sendiri, bukan orang lain) and to be having a politician yang muka dia baik gila sitting behind us, of course lah added up to the awkwardness. i saw a famous blogger, wanted to say hi but as usual i couldn't bring myself to it so i just walked away pasal macam dia kenal aku pun. dan baru pagi ini aku teringat yang aku pernah menghantar gambar aku kepada dia so i guess maybe he did remember. great. just GREAT. -_- (sms dari elle: 'adakah ko ilang ingatan?why on earth did u send ur pic to him.ko serious merepek dowh.') tidak mengapa. perkara remeh sahaja. mungkin next time boleh cakap hi. at the usual friday night club, we had fun, met long-time-no-see friends, snap here, snap there plus some awkward questions. dimaafkan pasal yang bertanya mabuk. supper, mili's ex invited us to party the next night at a place where it's famous for its hutan, gunung dan sungai. tanpa membuang masa, aku bersetuju. besides, i don't want to be stuck here at the durjana city. buat sakit hati. janji mahu bertolak petang tapi terpaksa dimungkiri pasal as elle closed the door of my very dirty kenari, i said,
"cantik subang kau. kereta aku tak boleh nak start." dan seperti biasa, just as i expected, her face changed to panic mode. dan button membebel serta-merta switched on. ha ha.
"kau tak pernah cuci enjin kereta eh? teruk gila condition dia," she commented in a very high pitched voice.
"owh. enjin pun kena cuci, eh?" aku gelak. well, i can't help myself, can i? there we were, excited to carpool to the party and i couldn't start my car. and i couldn't think of anyone near to come and make things right.
"okay. don't tell me we have to call ex-heart..." elle said slowly since he lives 15 minute drive dari tempat kejadian.
"of course not. he's the last person we should be calling. anyway, he's prolly in kl pun, sleeping over at his girlfriend's house," i replied while scrolling through my phone book. i dialed ben's number to ask for advice and lucky us, he was in the area with his sepupu-sepapat and came to the rescue. owh yeah. which reminds me: i have to treat them coffee sometime nanti. so at about 6.30pm, we start our journey fetching the other 3 guys and by the time kami tiba berdekatan dengan kawasan yang ditujui, hari pun sudah gelap. mahu dijadikan cerita, tiada salah seorang dari kami pun yang tahu di mana terletaknya the exact place (sebelum sungai congkak). plus aku dan driver rabun. jadi semua itu tadi boleh dijadikan alasan atas kenapa kami boleh sampai di kaki gunung nuang. it turned out, the directions that our friends had been telling us was from another way (yang mana semua orang yang ke situ melalui jalan itu kecuali kami). but we managed to arrive safely and didn't miss the fantastic-delicious-mouthwatering bbq dinner worth rm20. berbaloi okay pasal chef dia pun hot macam makanannya juga. he he. after a little light dancing, aku sudah mula memikirkan tentang sofa di chalet and since we planned to drive home around 3am (plus i had to be at the city at 8am for a function) i thought of lying down while the others ran around the area enjoying the loud electro music. tapi some of them lebih suka datang ke chalet, duduk beramai-ramai dan bercerita hantu. ya. dan si puaka yang sibuk mahu dengar cerita hantu (yang juga sebenarnya penakut) boleh bantai berdengkur di sebelah aku. jujur, aku memang sakit hati. at around 4am, one of us insisted for us to go back to the city at that wee hour of the morning. honestly, i'm a scaredy-cat. aku tidak perasan siapa yang gatal mulut tanya peak hours for those 'beings' to be wandering around and the ghost-whisperer girl replied, "time macam sekarang ni lah peak hours dia." but it didn't stop us from proceeding with our journey back cuma waktu perjalanan pergi aku di depan, yang pulangnya, aku di belakang tengah-tengah. ha ha. aku diberi priority pasal aku semacam moody itu malam. well, you can't help it if the person driving your car sebenarnya penakut tapi nak berlagak berani. owh. disertakan si mulut puaka celupar yang juga penakut, jantan tapi gedik. geram aku. ini baru cerita hari sabtu. sunday morning, on my way to the city, already late for the event, aku ditahan polis pasal aku U-turn di tempat yang tidak boleh U-turn. dan belum sempat dua orang polis itu berkata apa-apa, my tears came out non-stop. what the hell is wrong with me???
"sorry. sorry. sorry," i apologized while passing cop A my license and i.c.
"ni kenapa nangis ni? tarik nafas, sandar," he assured me. i inhale, laid back and sat up straight again. he asked me to relax again and i did the same thing.
"awak nak ke mana ni? kat situ kan ada tanda tak boleh U-turn," cop B pointed to the signage i missed.
"saya nak pergi ke times square, ada urusan kerja and dah lambat. pastu saya tak tahu macam mana nak masuk parking belakang dia," i told him with my tears still coming out, uncontrollably. sebenarnya ini sudah kali kedua aku di tahan polis kerana mahu masuk ke kawasan parking building besar itu.
"awak sakit ke?" i must've looked really bad that morning, with the rush and under construction blocked roads. malas mahu cerita panjang, aku iya kan sahaja soalannya.
"jangan nangis. mana tisu? kalau awak nangis lagi, saya saman," cop B said. my tears wouldn't stop coming out but at the same time i was laughing nervously. keadaan aku macam haram. setelah memberikan nasihat dan mengingatkan aku tentang signage no U-turn, aku dilepaskan tanpa sebarang tiket. nasib baik pasal the day before aku sudah spend untuk bateri kereta baru and of course since i went for the getaway, i don't think i can afford a ticket. my fund for june is running out. jadi pengajarannya kawan-kawan, belakang times square banyak polis ronda. don't break any road rules. despite what happened, the drama and such, sedikit sebanyak buat aku lupa akan kekusutan perasaan yang bermain di kepala. sedikit sahaja lah. dan dalam masa yang singkat. but hey, i'm trying my best here.

a man's junk is another man's treasure

it's monday and i'm very, very tired from the weekend. didn't get too much sleep because i was involved in the 2-day weekend event where people who likes to sell stuff (new/used) gather around and dance by the pool. okay. aku rasa lebih kepada mengkritik para hadirin. itu yang aku dengar dari perbualan mereka dan aku sendiri terpaksa join in the fun. malang untuk john.j, tiada mangsa swimming pool pada hari itu so elle's boyfriend doesn't get to buy him a teh tarik. lain kali kamu terjun sendiri ya, john.j. tidak perlu tunggu orang lain. hehe. sabtu malam, i wanted to check out the wild beastly party in the city but i reckon that i'll be very tired the next day (memang aku pulang dan terus pengsan until the next day pun). lola must be very pissed with me because i get the stall very disorganized. tapi aku rasa feel pasar karat kan best. betul cakap elle, the joy of seeing people dig, dig, dig into the beautiful junks we brought, macam best. when i got to know that one of the famous fashion bloggers joining the market, i freaked out. dan bilamasa lola berpesanan ringkas 'her stall is next to ours', rasa macam mahu putus asa dan pulang ke rumah, langsung tidur the whole day. tapi malangnya aku tidak mahu menghampakan teman-teman tersayang jadi perjuangan harus diteruskan. "sebenarnya perasaan takut pada competitor bukan hanya ada pada kita, pada mereka juga ada." john.j was being very supportive and i felt good later that day AND also the next day. tapi seperti biasa ada kunci automatik di mulut ini jadi aku ini semacam sombong, mungkin. but i'm actually very shy, you know. that was my first time joining an event like that and like i've said a zillion times before, i just don't know the right steps to mingle. ugh. pathetic, i know. keuntungan yang aku dapat for a first-timer: not bad. the sales for both days covered the rent for the stall and the rack. dan sedikit duit lebih untuk beli rokok. hehe. i'm really happy that my friends came to support and yes, john.j, you made my day, both saturday & sunday. you know that i'm really lucky to be having you around, right? :)

but please break my heart now. i'm so scared that i'll be deep and passionate with you and somehow, that particular beautiful moment, you're going to break my heart. well, unintentionally. ada satu macam perasaan risau yang sangat kuat. where are we heading now, john.j? aku takut. kamu tahu aku paling takut dengan kehilangan, kan?

some golden teen stuff

it's monday & i'm all alone..

1 - balik kampung (Denmark)
2 - Dresden, Germany
1 - off (convocation)
1 - MIA

& again, i can't wait to go home. huh.
nothing much happened on the weekend. on saturday i accompanied my mom to visit a relative who just got operated in the head (of some tumor) at the KL General Hospital. (i dislike hospital. it's such a very sad place for me.) 'heart & his Singaporean friends went for street skating later in the night time so Mia & i went to Saturday night's last resort, Maison. thought of checking out the warm-up DJ but it turned out that he was in Malacca for the weekend. it's ok since there's no cover charge for ladies at Maison on Saturday nights. the next day, we woke up quite late (3pm) & rushed ourselves to Damansara for Mia's casting session. it was held at a bungalow & i think we were the last to come. the ad that she was supposed to cast for is a perfume ad for men & they need girls to run after the guy. ok. enough about the ad. let's talk about the guy who casted Mia. hehe. he's a familiar face on our local TV commercials. i think he started his career as 1 of the host for RTM 2 Golden Teen Stuff, like, waaaayyyy back. sekarang dah berjambang dah. he wore a T-shirt with baggy shorts with his left ear pierced. he's hot & got this cool air about him. when he was explaining about the storyboard, he kept looking at me (takpe. sekali-sekala perasan) when Mia was the 1 who's casting. this is where everything went wrong. well, on my side. he asked us if we're studying & i said i'm graphic designer in cyberjaya & then i started to explain craps. babble. babble. the old me would've just say "i'm working." & shut myself up. but nooo. i just had to babble to him. after they were done with Mia, he insisted on casting me. i just told him that was not my thing (actually i just can't wait to get my ass off of the bungalow). haha! merepek. by the way, i was wearing my green leopard print top so there's no way anyone can get that recorded. haihh..