weekend yang awkward sedikit

perkara pertama yang bermain di kepala aku sewaktu menunggu flight pulang ke kota durjana dari pantai timur minggu lepas adalah what shall i look forward to the coming weekend. raking my brain, i remembered of a friend's exhibition on the 20th. so for last weekend, i didn't get too much rest nor sleep from friday to sunday night. it was a weird sort of adventurous (?) weekend for me. friday, elle (who got her boyfriend out of town) and i drove to city for pelan pelan dan bilik gerakan's exhibition launch. from what i saw, and from how i know him plus judging from what i've heard, the arts displayed was like the artist himself. mungkin ada sedikit berbaur politikal, no? i rest my case awal-awal lagi pasal i'm not experienced pun in criticizing arts. or anything. the awkward moment, which was a cue for us to head to our usual friday club, was when a female politician who's now handling the area where my mom's house is came and sat behind us. eating there was already awkward (well, for me. masalah aku sendiri, bukan orang lain) and to be having a politician yang muka dia baik gila sitting behind us, of course lah added up to the awkwardness. i saw a famous blogger, wanted to say hi but as usual i couldn't bring myself to it so i just walked away pasal macam dia kenal aku pun. dan baru pagi ini aku teringat yang aku pernah menghantar gambar aku kepada dia so i guess maybe he did remember. great. just GREAT. -_- (sms dari elle: 'adakah ko ilang ingatan?why on earth did u send ur pic to him.ko serious merepek dowh.') tidak mengapa. perkara remeh sahaja. mungkin next time boleh cakap hi. at the usual friday night club, we had fun, met long-time-no-see friends, snap here, snap there plus some awkward questions. dimaafkan pasal yang bertanya mabuk. supper, mili's ex invited us to party the next night at a place where it's famous for its hutan, gunung dan sungai. tanpa membuang masa, aku bersetuju. besides, i don't want to be stuck here at the durjana city. buat sakit hati. janji mahu bertolak petang tapi terpaksa dimungkiri pasal as elle closed the door of my very dirty kenari, i said,
"cantik subang kau. kereta aku tak boleh nak start." dan seperti biasa, just as i expected, her face changed to panic mode. dan button membebel serta-merta switched on. ha ha.
"kau tak pernah cuci enjin kereta eh? teruk gila condition dia," she commented in a very high pitched voice.
"owh. enjin pun kena cuci, eh?" aku gelak. well, i can't help myself, can i? there we were, excited to carpool to the party and i couldn't start my car. and i couldn't think of anyone near to come and make things right.
"okay. don't tell me we have to call ex-heart..." elle said slowly since he lives 15 minute drive dari tempat kejadian.
"of course not. he's the last person we should be calling. anyway, he's prolly in kl pun, sleeping over at his girlfriend's house," i replied while scrolling through my phone book. i dialed ben's number to ask for advice and lucky us, he was in the area with his sepupu-sepapat and came to the rescue. owh yeah. which reminds me: i have to treat them coffee sometime nanti. so at about 6.30pm, we start our journey fetching the other 3 guys and by the time kami tiba berdekatan dengan kawasan yang ditujui, hari pun sudah gelap. mahu dijadikan cerita, tiada salah seorang dari kami pun yang tahu di mana terletaknya the exact place (sebelum sungai congkak). plus aku dan driver rabun. jadi semua itu tadi boleh dijadikan alasan atas kenapa kami boleh sampai di kaki gunung nuang. it turned out, the directions that our friends had been telling us was from another way (yang mana semua orang yang ke situ melalui jalan itu kecuali kami). but we managed to arrive safely and didn't miss the fantastic-delicious-mouthwatering bbq dinner worth rm20. berbaloi okay pasal chef dia pun hot macam makanannya juga. he he. after a little light dancing, aku sudah mula memikirkan tentang sofa di chalet and since we planned to drive home around 3am (plus i had to be at the city at 8am for a function) i thought of lying down while the others ran around the area enjoying the loud electro music. tapi some of them lebih suka datang ke chalet, duduk beramai-ramai dan bercerita hantu. ya. dan si puaka yang sibuk mahu dengar cerita hantu (yang juga sebenarnya penakut) boleh bantai berdengkur di sebelah aku. jujur, aku memang sakit hati. at around 4am, one of us insisted for us to go back to the city at that wee hour of the morning. honestly, i'm a scaredy-cat. aku tidak perasan siapa yang gatal mulut tanya peak hours for those 'beings' to be wandering around and the ghost-whisperer girl replied, "time macam sekarang ni lah peak hours dia." but it didn't stop us from proceeding with our journey back cuma waktu perjalanan pergi aku di depan, yang pulangnya, aku di belakang tengah-tengah. ha ha. aku diberi priority pasal aku semacam moody itu malam. well, you can't help it if the person driving your car sebenarnya penakut tapi nak berlagak berani. owh. disertakan si mulut puaka celupar yang juga penakut, jantan tapi gedik. geram aku. ini baru cerita hari sabtu. sunday morning, on my way to the city, already late for the event, aku ditahan polis pasal aku U-turn di tempat yang tidak boleh U-turn. dan belum sempat dua orang polis itu berkata apa-apa, my tears came out non-stop. what the hell is wrong with me???
"sorry. sorry. sorry," i apologized while passing cop A my license and i.c.
"ni kenapa nangis ni? tarik nafas, sandar," he assured me. i inhale, laid back and sat up straight again. he asked me to relax again and i did the same thing.
"awak nak ke mana ni? kat situ kan ada tanda tak boleh U-turn," cop B pointed to the signage i missed.
"saya nak pergi ke times square, ada urusan kerja and dah lambat. pastu saya tak tahu macam mana nak masuk parking belakang dia," i told him with my tears still coming out, uncontrollably. sebenarnya ini sudah kali kedua aku di tahan polis kerana mahu masuk ke kawasan parking building besar itu.
"awak sakit ke?" i must've looked really bad that morning, with the rush and under construction blocked roads. malas mahu cerita panjang, aku iya kan sahaja soalannya.
"jangan nangis. mana tisu? kalau awak nangis lagi, saya saman," cop B said. my tears wouldn't stop coming out but at the same time i was laughing nervously. keadaan aku macam haram. setelah memberikan nasihat dan mengingatkan aku tentang signage no U-turn, aku dilepaskan tanpa sebarang tiket. nasib baik pasal the day before aku sudah spend untuk bateri kereta baru and of course since i went for the getaway, i don't think i can afford a ticket. my fund for june is running out. jadi pengajarannya kawan-kawan, belakang times square banyak polis ronda. don't break any road rules. despite what happened, the drama and such, sedikit sebanyak buat aku lupa akan kekusutan perasaan yang bermain di kepala. sedikit sahaja lah. dan dalam masa yang singkat. but hey, i'm trying my best here.

jujur aku lupa

last night me and my colleagues went to my favourite pharmacy to get stuff for our island getaway. as i was searching for sunblock, cooling gel plus raking my brains on what i should bring along, a hand tapped on my arms. looking up, it was my ex's (yang lama dulu sebelum ex-heart) girlfriend.

"hello! what are you doing here?"
"i tinggal kajang lah," dee answered. and the conversation went on about what she's currently doing, why i was there at the pharmacy and owh. "you look slimmer and prettier now." to which i've found the nicest, down-to-earth reply: "mana ada. but thanks. i like your eyes' perspective." aku rasa aku dah pandai confront statement macam itu. he he. the next part of the conversation got better,
"eh, urm...i nak tanya you lah," she went on. i don't know why, but i kind of knew what she was about to ask me.
"you dah break dengan boyfriend you eh?" kan aku sudah agak.
"yeah. why? you pun kenal (insert current ex's name here) ?" aku pula yang tanya.
"owh. tak. hari tu i nampak my friend punya friend dengan dia. are they like, together now?"
"well, i guess so," aku jawab with the sweetest smile ever. ugh. dunia semakin menghimpit.
"really? ish, kesian you." her reply which surprised me. agaknya dia sudah tidak tahu how to react to that. sweet.
"no lah. okay lah tu. better that way." dan aku sambung dalam hati 'that's what i wanted anyway'.
"so you single lah ni?" dee asked. adakah mungkin dia risau yang aku akan cari boyfriendnya pula? i'm not like that, i think. i wonder if i do seem to her like the type who'd contact her ex if ever i'm out of any relationship. or the type who grabs somebody else's boyfriend. bukanlah. pasal aku sudah kecut sama karma. eh, tapi aku tidak pernah pun terfikir untuk merampas hak sesiapa, ya.
"i guess so. but i'm currently seeing someone." and i could see a tiny, little 'phew' on her face. atau mungkin perasaan aku sahaja. conversation selepas itu macam merepek pasal aku sememangnya tidak tahu untuk create a decent conversation with an ex's girlfriend. (owh! aku baru teringat. mungkin dia curious with my current status pasal when she said she's gonna continue her studies in kuantan, aku provoke "habislah. so far away from your boyfriend." aduh. is that the best statement i could come up with?!) but i reminded her that her current boyfriend won't do stuff behind her back. satu lagi statement yang aku rasa salah juga pasal that statement macam menunjukkan bahawa i know her boyfriend better. alahai... these are the reasons on why i hate making conversations with strangers. might as well shut myself up, kan?
dinner at the fast food outlet, was bingit with laughters. ya! zatix was doing the alien-side of her again. tapi kalau tiada dia waktu getaway nanti, tentu bosan. tiada subjek untuk dibahan. ha ha. and then we started talking about my previous relationship where cikanum said "mr.E selalu cerita kat aku pasal kau dengan (insert ex's name here)."
and mills added "ha'ah. masa awak duduk kat belakang tu, sampai ke tempat saya boleh dengar awak nangis." what?! i cried that loud? owh no... i did not...
"betul. sampai ada satu masa tu the whole office senyap and siap bangun, trying to check you out." owh. no. no. no. teruk sampai macam itu? gila.
"but i don't remember telling mr.E about it. did i?" aku tanya jujur.
"wei, dia kata kau siap tunjuk kat dia messages ex-boyfriend kau dengan that girl. kau tak ingat ke?" cikanum asked. aku geleng kepala, jujur tidak langsung mengingati situasi itu. aku sendiri rasa pelik kenapa perlu aku ceritakan benda-benda remeh begitu pada boyfriendnya. macam kelakar saja. aku toleh kepada zatix and she had this straight face on her. she mouthed "gila". hahaha! okay. sumpah aku lupa.
"mungkin kau memang dalam keadaan tak sedar kot. and kau jenis yang main cerita je dengan sesiapa yang ada dekat kau time tu," zatix mengeluarkan pendapat. mungkin. ish. kenapa aku jadi begitu teruk? mungkin betul cakap zatix the other day at the office,
"kau ni macam tak hidup. macam takde kat sini. aku rasa kau ni tak betul lah."

heh.

life before death

For weeks, all she’d wanted to do was die.

if you're free (obviously you are if you're reading this) check out this photography exhibition held in london. i think the idea of the exhibition is a rare one.

German photographer Walter Schels was terrified of death, but felt compelled to take these extraordinary series of portraits of people before and on the day they died. His partner Beate Lakotta recorded the poignant and revealing interviews with the subjects in their final days.

this is the end.