to like and be liked

"ei, kau sekarang memang dah takde boyfriend lah?" suara yang malas-malas, kulit gelap hasil lepak stadium (apa barang wei lepak pulau?!), mata kuyu. i nodded.
"padanlah kau macam lost je."
nice reply, dude.

and i've figured out. kira-kira, campur, tolak, darab, bahagi, pembezaan, pengamiran kemudian bundarkan. tidak perlu cari cinta yang itu. just fall in like.

"macam awak kan, berusaha untuk cuba." saturday afternoon, i was thinking whether lilac would look good on the batik i bought on one of the island getaways. dan aku kerut dahi.
"bukan try lah. i'm just enjoying the moment." pasal currently, aku hanya cintakan compliments and getaways. on skeptical mode, aku boleh jadi infatuasi kau. if you can be my infatuation too.
it's a give and take business, remember?

kau, pada aku, macam buku

manusia, yang kau come across dalam hidup kau adalah setiap seorang macam buku yang kau susun bertingkat-tingkat atas meja study. itu yang aku conclude sejak beberapa bulan yang lalu. tidak kira lah apa watak yang dipegangnya janji detik kau bertegur dengannya automatically dia akan jadi sebuah buku. ikut kau saja mahu insert his/her character into which book. starting as early as january this year, i've already stumbled upon a couple of different books; yang penuh dengan gambar, yang kurang gambar dan tiada langsung gambar. ada juga buku yang tertulis perkataan-perkataan indah, macam puisi. ada buku sketch yang aku ambil buat doodles di kala waktu-waktu kosong.
ada satu buku, agak tebal. penuh gambar dan juga perkataan. ada janji. but the rainbow in some of the earlier chapters lama-lama jadi pudar kemudian hanya tinggal outline sahaja. buku yang satu itu masih ada di atas meja, tapi diletakkan yang paling bawah. there's this one day, i nearly threw it away tapi aku kutip kembali pasal aku ini pelupa. dalam pada aku mahu melupakan cerita dalam buku itu, aku tidak mahu lupa segala-galanya. ada satu hari juga, aku mahu mulakan chapter yang baru dalam buku itu tapi sebenarnya, untuk memulakan satu sequel dengan jalan cerita yang telah wujud, agak susah. i'm not a real writer anyway. buku itu no doubt, adalah salah satu cerita favourite aku. kadang-kadang aku flick through the pages to peek on the pictures. buat aku senyum sendiri. tapi kalau ada angin yang saja mahu tengok aku tidak tenteram, kadang-kadang mahu dikoyakkan saja helaian mukasurat buku itu. the next book that i had pick was colourful. the pictures, were hand-drawn. buku itu aku panggil buku mimpi pasal ceritanya macam fairytale. very intimate. the kind of book yang kau baca waktu petang and you can't get out of the house because outside, it's raining cats and dogs so you chose to snuggle in your favourite three-seater sofa reading this book. buku yang juga ada typical love scenes; late night conversations, a walk in the park. tapi bukan terlalu fairytale because the characters didn't live happily ever after. itu hari, waktu aku mengalih perabot bedroom, aku terjumpa satu lagi buku yang semacam buku mimpi but instead of pictures, ada beautiful words. yang buat aku jatuh cinta sebagaimana aku jatuh cinta dengan character famous sir arthur conan doyle, sherlock holmes. i secretly think the english detective is hot. that's how far my imaginations can go. buku yang berprosa indah ini yang kadang-kadang tercatit idea-idea pelik buat aku tergelak sendiri. it's a good book. and i'm sure it's a favourite too among other dreamy people yang boleh lihat corak fascinating yang tersirat antara setiap barisan perkataan-perkataan itu. cemburu juga aku bagaimana si penulis boleh mencipta perkataan yang mampu menyelinap masuk ke dalam mimpi. ada beberapa buku yang berselerak atas katil bercerita tentang friendship. yang beberapa itu, aku kerap-kali flick through dan aku simpan elok-elok. diletak di tempat tidur pasal kalau aku lonely, aku boleh hold it tight, close to my heart. buku-buku yang ini, kau memang takkan boleh pinjam because you see, it's kind of a part of my life. those books that i've read, lebih kurang mempunyai lenggok yang sama tapi jika diteliti, masih ada perbezaan. manusia kan, rambut sama hitam tapi hati lain-lain. setiap buku yang aku baca itu, i pick out its best special points. jadi walau macam mana pun sama corak jalan ceritanya, masih ada perbezaan. in other words, kalau hilang, tidak boleh diganti dengan copy yang exactly the same.
tapi agaknya buku jenis apa yang aku akan jumpa in the future nanti?

ada aku kah?

terbang mengelilingi
meneliti
satu kemudian satu

berjengket-jengket
mengintai di sebalik
meneliti lagi

kau yang sedang mendagu
fikir apa kah?
mimpi apa kah?
mungkin ada aku kah?

dongak sini
ada awan comel
bentuk hati
tolong senyum
awan ini
kau yang punya

tangan aku
ada lima makhluk kecil
yang merindui
yang lagi lima
yang di tangan kau





come on
be my lover now
and kisses
on your eyes
shall be my gift

-fzk-

love will get you like a case of anthrax

dan sudah tentu aku tidak mahu dijangkiti.

snap your fingers and the love will vanish

just like that.

back then, waktu aku selalu berkhayal, selalu juga aku fikirkan bahawa pasangan-pasangan mana yang bercinta, tidak mungkin akan hilang cintanya untuk satu sama lain dalam sekelip mata. lebih lagi yang sudah bercinta untuk sekian lamanya. but last night i had my dose of gossip girl (series 13-18) where my favourite couple broke up overnight. and the conversation i had with ex-heart yesterday, made me change my mind. for four years i've been dating a jerk. or he wasn't before but he is now. apa-apa pun, aku macam kecil hati dengan perangai yang ditunjuknya semalam. sampai hati dia melontarkan kata-kata begitu kepada aku. but maybe he became who he is now because of me. he does have a good side to him because then i wouldn't have fallen for him four years back. tidak mengapalah pasal semuanya pun sudah lepas. yes, it seems that i shouldn't be playing along in this game of hatred but it's kind of hard when we still see each other in the office.
jadi cinta itu memang boleh hilang dengan sekelip mata sahaja, sekaligus dengan perasaan belas kasihan. a saddening fact i just have to face. it seems that i'm not the one looking out for your faults anymore. but it's you, who asked me to think wisely, are doing it now. i'm asking you to just recall whatever happened in that four years we were together. the good, the bad, the ugly. dan jangan lupa tentang karma, ya. please.

jatuh katil

aku terduduk di bahu jalan. bau tar yang warnanya gelap masih kuat. tapak tangan kanan aku rabakan ke lutut. ada luka. ada rasa pedih.

ya. aku telah jatuh.

luka yang ada rasa pedih. tapi aku tidak menangis. pipi aku yang gebu ini, yang kamu selalu geram untuk mencubitnya, tidak basah dengan air mata. mata aku tidak merah, muka aku tidak buruk dengan mimik muka yang sedih.

kerana aku sudah jatuh.

this morning, i rolled on my bed and fell off on the right side of it.

perasaan itu sudah hilang

we've never celebrated valentine's. i totally forgot it's february the 14th today. if we're still together, still in love, today would be our 4th year anniversary. the usual dinner, the gift exchange and later the so called love bonding. but not this year, not today i guess. 'heart said he waited for me to call him up and wish him which i didn't because we've never celebrated valentine's and since we're on a time off, there's no reason why i should be calling him and excitedly say "happy 4th anniversary!". risau juga aku. have i become that heartless? memang aku ni dah terus tawar hati ke? yesterday i was on leave because the night before i had sushi and it didn't do good to my stomach (maybe plus the butterflies, no?), threw up twice and fever came to stay. i was at peace, just lying there in my bed. no whines from 'heart. i should've just stayed at home today but i forgot it's the 14th because i know there'll be a lot more of whines later today.
last tuesday night, i unbuilt a quarter of my walls and called john. asked if it was okay to see him the same night. he said "yeah" and continuously asked me to attend his upcoming exhibition. i told him of course i'll come. i'm excited for a friend.

"you have to come. it's for you." john tahu cara cairkan aku. biasalah. orang seni. and as we bid goodbye to each other, he kissed my hand, sending an electric shock through my spine. cerita kami macam movie kan? john dan aku adalah mimpi, artwork yang dia buat waktu awal perkenalan kami. artwork dari hati, kata john. perasaan ini (cinta ke?) is what i've been dreaming about. since i was a naive virgin and i'm still dreaming of it. alas, i'm feeling it. but again, isn't it all too fast? and what am i supposed to do with 'heart? right now, the only wise decision is for me to leave both and go home empty handed.

an sms to a friend: "yang dikejar tak dapat, yang dikendong doesn't make me happy."

senja jingga

warna jingga yang menghiasi langit
dialunkan dengan ungu yang malu
waktu senja indah bagaikan puisi

dan hati ini
menari-nari dengan alunan senja
pergerakan yang sayu
lemah-longlai
seakan-akan tahu sesuatu
yang tak di-ingini akan berlaku

hati, kamu dengarlah
jangan kamu berdegil lagi
sudah tiada gunanya
dedaun pintu kamu itu
harus ditutup sahaja

mungkin hujan emas di negara orang
kita tidak tahu
doa, doa sahaja yang mampu kita berikan

dan mungkin, hari esok
rezeki akan datang menyinggah
tiba berlimpah-limpah
tapi untuk hari ini,
senja ini,
dibiarkan tutup sahaja
dedaun pintu kamu.

-f.z.k-

taken from myspace.com blogs

all i had for the weekend was a gift to brag

"nah. here's the money that i owe you, for you to go & buy me my birthday gift," i shoved RM150 to mili's hand. she gave me back a hundred for me to go & get it myself. well that's not too nice, is it? so i told her to get the gift. & if she couldn't find one that fits, there's always next year. then we continued our journey to the hypermarket to get some provisions for abah. since i had wasted 4 hours that saturday afternoon for slumber, i insisted that we go to MPH first before the groceries. langkah kanan. but kind of langkah kiri for mili because MPH was doing a sale on some of the books & i came across a book entitled: The Rolling Stones, A Life On The Road. ha ha. note: there are 3 places mili & i will spend like forever at: a) thrift store b) bookstore c) hypermarket. anyways, she got me that big book of the rolling stones & a book on celebrities' truths or lies by some pop writer. that rolling stones book is my favourite gift so far (because i got to choose) & i wouldn't mind bragging about it to just about anyone.

later that night, al & i decided we should do the movie session we've been planning since the last 2-3 weeks. he was excited, coming over to pick me up in his classic BMW with sunroof. it's really classic because you have to twind the knob (yang macam kat tingkap kereta tu) to open/close the sunroof. our movie session started off late because we thought it'll be nice to drive to the only reggae bar in the city where anne & di 'ada hal'. by the time we reached al's place, it was too sleepy for us to stay focus & al passed out first before i crashed in. earlier he said of a breakfast at the cafe & yada yada yada & we woke up at 12 which al was already late for a soundcheck session at a nearby mall. breakfast? right. it rained lightly that sunday afternoon & i thought of opening the sunroof but i don't know if al would agree to that. i wonder how it'd feel like. i should get a sunroof for my kenari, no?
"do you love 'heart?" al asked, while maneuvering the steering wheel.
"well, aku sayang dia. i do get jealous at times."
"i think you love him but NOT in love with him. if you are, there won't be any hesitations in answering the question itself." GULP. his answer was true for i know that myself. i wanted to deny his facts. i thought if i brush away all these negative ideas, i'll be in love with 'heart once more. but i don't like the feeling of 'heart hanging out with his friends which is what he's been doing currently with the reason that his friend is flying off to Libya & will only be back in october. fiiiiine with me. yes. i am that selfish of a person. al said sometimes, you just have to face the fact that the people that you love & loves you back doesn't think much about you. maybe i did the same towards him before. i should be carefree. and should stop thinking too much. it's just karma, right? he'll miss me when his friend's not around later. after all these hoo-haas, everything'll be fine, right?

perubahan yang digeruni

we were young; mind & soul. i was naive. we accidentally met at a club and bumped into each other a month later. he was interested; i was someone's. we wanted to have fun. he wanted me. i secretly wanted him too. he was good looking, he still is now. very stylish with his good sense of street fashion. but he was on my never-to-date list. because of some previous encounters, i tend to judge his circle of friends. well, his friends were my friends way back when the twin towers were brand new. at that time, i believe that i was in love. i dropped the other subject to spend some good driving times with 'heart. he was sweet, attentive & childish. he spoiled me good. he was very conscious of my feelings towards him that after two years, he started to do stuff that he feared of the things i might do. macam curang. twice in a year i got cheated. i felt stupid. after the big break up, through an sms because he was too chickened out to say it to my face, i was lost. sleep was a major problem for me and my emotions were too distracted that i had eating disorder which made me look like a shrunken pear. pucat dan kecut. crying at night was like a routine and anger turned me to some unreasonable someone. at the mention of his name, my knees went wobbly and i was ready to drop & cry. i blamed myself for choosing this path, for not leaving the relationship when it was fresh & young and not deep & passionate. for ignoring the list i did myself in my head: to not mess around with his crowd. i was heartbroken. aku masih ingat rasa sakit itu; pedih, menikam, mengoyak. tapi aku degil. aku tahu, kedua-dua orang yang sayang aku, rasa macam nak tempeleng saja aku when i decided he was the best partner for me to drag along to bali. it was a last minute decision. some guy thatt i wasn't to keen on being my room mate or a guy that i've been sleeping with. i said:
"it's okay. i'm not expecting something big after the trip. kalau nak, nak lah. kalau tak, oh well."
we did it in the bathroom, we took nude pictures, we had the christmas lights chasing us at night & i had wings so that i can reach the turtles i saw in the night sky. i made 'heart miss what we used to have. which made him believe that he wanted to start over, another fresh new start. i, on the other hand thought it was not a good idea. but oh well, we should just give it a try, shouldn't we? he came back, longing for my touch but deep in his heart, was afraid if the reason i agreed was to get back at him. then why came back in the first place if you had that rooted in your mind? but i said to myself: "if he's here, on his knees, he should be willing to change. he wouldn't mind sharing his friends like i shared mine." right. dia buat lagi. dah sekarang ni, siapa yang bermasalah? aku ke? ke aku masih tak faham yang lelaki sememangnya akan berperangai begitu? he said he didn't like some messages from some guy friends so i stopped contacting them out of the reason i was tired of arguments maybe i should just try to be a good partner. but as the question asked before: what good is a relationship when there's revenge & zip.zero.nada trust? i am not sure of my feelings anymore. sayang? memang sayang. cinta...? cemburu masih ada. tapi bila ditanya akan perasaan, aku masih serba salah atau mengambil masa untuk menjawab. memang kehilangan dan perubahan adalah antara benda-benda yang aku tak suka. but has the time to change arrived for me?

what good is everything

now tell me.

what good is a relationship if revenge is always there and competing with each other is what you do best? to be repeating this question to myself, aku berasa sayu. this is a reality that's happening to me, currently.

and what good is a relationship, what good is love when you don't even have the slightest trust for your partner?

cynical sudah ditanam awal-awal lagi

aku seorang yang selfish (bukan penjual ikan. tapi self-ish). apa yang penting buat aku, adalah orang-orang yang banyak mempengaruhi kitaran hidup aku: teman, kekasih hati. teman tapi mesra tidak tergolong. orang-orang yang penting buat aku, kadang-kadang very unlucky. sebab mereka terpaksa berhadapan dengan bahagian aku yang lebih ketara dari friendly, iaitu cynical. bukannya aku tak cuba, tapi aku cuba menahan diri dari menjadi seorang yang cynical & cold-hearted terhdap orang-orang yang penting buat aku. jenis orang-orang yang kalau hilang, hilanglah arah tuju aku. gone-lah tempat mengadu aku. aku selalu menyanjungi mereka yang disayangi ini. aku tak mahu mereka terluka dek kata-kata harsh aku. sesungguhnya, aku tidak pandai untuk berbicara dengan lembut. aku tak tahu selok-belok menjadi shrink yang berjaya. betul. aku sayang orang-orang penting ini. dan kamu, wahai orang-orang penting, aku minta diberikan sedikit ruang untuk aku yang kadang-kadang cynical ini. aku masih berusaha. aku cuba memahami kamu, menerima. do the vice-versa for me please?

ya. aku akan berbahasa melayu dalam bersenandung konspirasi. bila aku marah, sedih atau dalam apa jua bentuk emotionally distractions.

love fairytales

and so, feist sang..

one, two, three, four, five, six, nine & ten.
money can't buy you back the love you had then.

reminiscence of despite

lewat malam tadi, aku bermimpi.

eight years ago, i had a close friend. that i fell in love with. despite what the friendship turned into, i kept all the sweetest memories of him close to my heart. at that time, the mirc chatting device was quite a hit. i couldn't recall how we first knew each other. i think through a friend of mine who had a huge crush on him. it was on their first blind date that i tagged along. ok. i was dragged along. done with chatting on mirc, we chatted on the phone instead. late night conversations. since my secondary school was situated right in the middle of the hip & happening part of Kuala Lumpur, it was easy for us to hang out for drinks at the forbidden mamak stalls. it was known to our circle of friends how close we were at that time. we had an on-off relationship where suddenly we would stop contacting each other & suddenly a call would appear out of the blue. i knew where i stood all the time. i remember fick was a sweet guy. & we all know how girls have a thing for sweet guys. apparently, everytime he went 'missing', i knew he was dating someone. i decided that i should just stop have feelings for him & stick to just friends. once, when he didn't cal me in a while, i found out that he got back together with his ex-girlfriend. i was kind of relieved because i thought this is it. this will stop me from having feelings towards him. right. i respected his relationship. i knew his girlfriend was curious about me. but fick, he wouldn't stop calling me. until one day, i think, they broke off because of...me. honestly, i didn't intend to interfere. when fick said his girlfriend was jealous of me, i was clueless. jealous of what? i totally raked my head for answers. though i was having a crush on him, i was the only one with the secret. nobody else. but it was back then, when i was naive about most of the important things in life. so, we got close again. parted and got close. it was after a year of befriending fick, that this one night, on the phone, he blurted out, "i love you". which of course left me speechless. what i felt that night tasted like a fruit punch, with everything mixed all together. it was awkward in the first place, but we managed to act all normal about it. & he continued blurting it out everytime we ended our phone conversation. i was skeptical. i didn't really reply it. "ok" was enough. haha. until one night when i think it was my turn to make a confession. "i love you & i don't want to lose you" was said in one breath and a peck on his cheek. "ha? apa awak cakap tadi? saya tak dengar la". laaa..tak dengar ke? but i ignored him. on second thought, maybe it was a mistake so i was glad that he didn't get it. the next night we had supper with a couple of friends in Bangsar. there was a couple of menus on our table & i remember there was this one steak with a funny name so i read it out loud. at the same time fick, who was sitting across the table, held a same copy of the menu. he too, as i saw it, was studying the menu. "ha? ape? steak i love you but i don't want to lose you?". -____- at that time, i felt like running right into the middle of the street, biar kena langgar kereta. fick have this typical sweetness a girl would expect from a guy. when i got mad at him, he'd say "eh. betul la orang cakap, perempuan nampak lebih manis bila dia marah". now tell me how am i supposed to not fall for that? there was this one night when we were driving around town, i was sitting next to him, another two of our friends at the back. the traffic light was red, & i was looking outside my window. it turned out we missed a green light. because the other two at the back was looking out from each other's side window too & fick? he was looking at me. cheesy, i know. sigh. i loved all the good moments we had together. once, on a phone conversation, the line got distracted & i joked "i'm losing you! i'm losing you". instead, he said "no. you'll never lose me" in a very calm manner. but it was in those days. somehow, after a long time i got tired of him always coming back to me when he's not dating anyone else. i got tired because while he's dating that someone, he didn't even give me call to say "hi". yes. i just wanted a "hi", nothing more. because i know, even if we get together, someday we'll broke off & lose each other. & if we stay friends, he'll get married one day, & it's just the same. i'll lose him.

fick, i got up this morning & i miss you.

between love and envy

there's nothing much to do in the office apart from waiting for the tournament to start. so i'm gonna list down women that i love and envy, all at the same time.

Jade Jagger.

Because she's the daughter of an activist (women's right) & Mick Jagger Of the Rolling Stones. Plus she designed the interiors of Jade luxurious apartment in NY. owh. & once dated Pharrell Williams.Kirsten Dunst.

Because she got fangs. & her bad girl attitude drive most of the male population go crazy!

Eva Green.
I love her in The Dreamers. Enough said.

Irina Lazareanu.
Because she's skinny, a runway model, she is even a songwriter herself! (co produced by Sean Lennon & Pete Doherty)

Kate Hudson.
I love hippie chicks!

I think that's it for now. but i'll add on some more later in the future.