jatuh untuk bangkit

Aku rasa aku perlu betul-betul jatuh untuk bangkit semula. i have too much of everything. well, maybe not everything but i guess the world have its ways to save my ass. currently, ada macam suatu perasaan tak puas hati linger around me. terlalu banyak ion negatif distracting my focus from the real important stuff. aah. honestly, it's been a while since i've had an intimate conversation with Him. He who will always be around whether you're happy or sad or about to commit suicide. hati aku ini macam sudah hitam dari tar cigarettes dan mula beku dengan konkrit. i think i've been too cruel and selfish towards 'heart. pada aku, balas dendam adalah sesuatu yang sangat teruk dan kejam. masih ada lagi suara kecil yang berkata "sudah lah. dendam itu boleh dielakkan." maybe 'heart was right. aku terlalu mengikut perasaan. terlalu memperlekehkan fungsi otak. am i addicted to the drama? all the things that scares me the most, stupid things i think i could avoid doing, sudah datang berguling ke arah aku. conversations with 'heart will always ended up in harsh, cold words. and i will regret of hurting him that way. but i'll do it again the next day. i should've just leave him alone. there's no point in building us anymore. aku sememangnya sudah putus asa. little did everyone know, i was hoping he wouldn't give up on us. but he already did when he sniffed a little of my feelings towards john. i actually told him that it has been quite sometime i'm happy like this. how heartless is that? close friends said that the time for me to be selfish have finally come. one minute i'm with them, the next minute my feelings are all mixed up. breaking up, not to be together with 'heart is a big deal. but i'm not sure whether it's because of love or just a responsibility. atau pun sudah biasa. i have to admit, i don't easily fit into new surroundings. that's why most of my friends are a friend of a close friend. i think it's a hassle to be trying to fit in a new surrounding. keeping things to myself, just doing the daily routine will keep me safe in my track. yeah. i'm such a bore to be hanging out with. the truth is, i had always been jealous of 'heart, how people are so easily attracted to him, how it's easy for him to fit in new surroundings. tapi ada satu perkara yang buat aku winced whenever i thought about it. how he treats these girl friends so that he can get jobs from them. macam mempergunakan lah. owh. i don't know. mungkin aku memang yang jenis lurus sedikit, tak tahu-menahu bermain politik kerja. but whatever happens, i'm always there to support him in his career. terlalu banyak yang kami lalui, i was there to see him become the photographer he is today.
and me? i should just stay here, lupakan passion, kumpul duit dan mungkin satu hari nanti aku akan fly to amsterdam for its legal stuff. yes. i should set amsterdam as my goal. PERLU sampai ke sana sebelum berumur 30. perlu juga cari lelaki jawa untuk dikahwini. saja. for the sake of my heritage.
semua kesimpulan ini datang dari surat penarikan kereta, re-new roadtax, passion yang perlu diketepikan (still thinking on how i can get it done) and an afternoon with mak at MAS travel fair. owh. but not the future javanese husband part. heh.

perasaan itu sudah hilang

we've never celebrated valentine's. i totally forgot it's february the 14th today. if we're still together, still in love, today would be our 4th year anniversary. the usual dinner, the gift exchange and later the so called love bonding. but not this year, not today i guess. 'heart said he waited for me to call him up and wish him which i didn't because we've never celebrated valentine's and since we're on a time off, there's no reason why i should be calling him and excitedly say "happy 4th anniversary!". risau juga aku. have i become that heartless? memang aku ni dah terus tawar hati ke? yesterday i was on leave because the night before i had sushi and it didn't do good to my stomach (maybe plus the butterflies, no?), threw up twice and fever came to stay. i was at peace, just lying there in my bed. no whines from 'heart. i should've just stayed at home today but i forgot it's the 14th because i know there'll be a lot more of whines later today.
last tuesday night, i unbuilt a quarter of my walls and called john. asked if it was okay to see him the same night. he said "yeah" and continuously asked me to attend his upcoming exhibition. i told him of course i'll come. i'm excited for a friend.

"you have to come. it's for you." john tahu cara cairkan aku. biasalah. orang seni. and as we bid goodbye to each other, he kissed my hand, sending an electric shock through my spine. cerita kami macam movie kan? john dan aku adalah mimpi, artwork yang dia buat waktu awal perkenalan kami. artwork dari hati, kata john. perasaan ini (cinta ke?) is what i've been dreaming about. since i was a naive virgin and i'm still dreaming of it. alas, i'm feeling it. but again, isn't it all too fast? and what am i supposed to do with 'heart? right now, the only wise decision is for me to leave both and go home empty handed.

an sms to a friend: "yang dikejar tak dapat, yang dikendong doesn't make me happy."

fish killer must DIE

sms

014******1: GUESS WHAT?! last 2 weeks ade orang sabotaj poison underwaterworld kat langkawi n arnd 600 species mati!

012******0: yes. i heard..2 weeks ago.

ok. so i just got to know about it only yesterday (which proves that i don't watch the news). how could they?! all those innocent fishes. if you're that mad at the management or someone, hurt that person itself. don't go poisoning some exotic, cute swimming fishes!! you've got to be out of your mind to be doing that!! i was so sad when abah brought up the topic. i wanted to cry. i want to find whomever did that awful stuff and kick him in the head and later put him in a tank of water and pour poison. so we talked about the incident that maybe that particular person was an insider since he knew which tank to poison. or since along said that the business was going slow so maybe that heartless psycho wanted to put an end to the business. or maybe he/she/they wanted publicity. but it's wrong. WRONG!!! i hate whoever that person is.