money talks, bullshit walks

the other night, i was forced by anne to join her business preview in the city. she won't sit still pestering me about her new valuable discovery so i had to say yes to her invitation. okay. 30% of me wanted to know what's the buzz about. as we reached the floor where the preview was held, i felt uneasy. the place was full of corporate looking people and i have this thing about crowded places with unfamiliar faces. senang cerita, i hate the atmosphere. all the time, i kept telling myself, "hey, i shouldn't be this negative. just give this thing a chance. maybe it's worth it." around 8.30pm, we walked in the hall where the preview was done and it was already half-filled. they estimated the audience about a thousand that night. anne's other business partners walked around with this big positive sign on their head. being in the hall, i felt like as if i was attending some kind of a cult's gathering. terlalu banyak aura positif in the air, it's eerie. and they played the future's video on the large screen in front. fakta-fakta yang dihujahkan agak merisaukan dan juga separuh menakutkan. anggaran tentang kemungkinan besar, 10 tahun akan datang, orang-orang berpendapatan RM10,000 akan dilabelkan antara orang-orang bertaraf rendah. overall, the preview was good. tapi buat hati aku gusar. ya, aku yang ignorant ini.
so my colleagues and i were smoking outside the office just now and i suddenly popped the question:
"are you happy with what you are right now? do you think you can achieve what you want and need in say, 5 years time?"

sumpah aku goyang after attending the preview. both of my colleagues were silenced by my question. "owh. itu hari aku checkout business preview." mereka menarik nafas lega pasal aku bukan jenis orang yang suka nak pop killer questions. statement 'bila ada duit, choices are yours' sememangnya betul. kalau kita tidak ada duit, skop pilihan kita kecil. for an example, you only have RM5 for lunch so either you go to the mamak stall or get nasi campur. itu pun lauk kene budget. if you have RM20 for lunch, you can checkout any fast food restaurants or makanan yang lebih menyelerakan dari makanan mamak. alaa, you get the idea right? okay. let's talk about savings. in 10 years time, nilai duit akan naik. jadi macam mana kamu save pun, sama sahaja. faham? macam ini: sekarang se-tin Coke RM1.50, in 5 years time boleh mencecah RM5. so, if in 10 years time your savings reaches RM50, 000, the value is just the same as RM10, 000. lebih kurang begitulah. now it got you thinking right? always they say, it's not the money that matters. itu dulu. sekarang semuanya duit. nak kahwin pun, melafazkan cinta sejati, perlu ada duit. to live your passion, you've got to have the dough. nak fly to amsterdam kena ada dough, mate. by the time i have RM5000, the airfare will be more expensive than today's. tapi ada sesuatu yang aku agak gusar tentang business preview malam isnin lepas. honestly, i don't have that amount of money for me to start the business. conclusion: loan. i'm not confident with loans. bukannya RM100-200. thousands weih. and currently i have debts too. contemplations. complications. another fact is, i don't like to be pestered doing the stuff that i don't like. when i'm ready, i'll join the business. kalau tak, tak lah. aku masih ada banyak lagi perkara remeh yang perlu difikirkan.

jangan judgmental sangat

i have a couple of favourite words that i use randomly, kadang-kadang berulang kali. kadang-kadang (sometimes) adalah salah satu word itu. mungkin (maybe). sekarang, di waktu ini (currently, at the moment). because we might never know what's gonna happen in the future. i'm a bit paranoid of my own words coming back to me, hitting me straight in the face. i don't want to get involved with situations like:

"eleh. dulu kau sibuk dengan capitalism, independent this and that. look at yourself now."

or

"i thought you hated gays. why are you dating one now?"

dudes and dudettes, we really can't predict the future. so better be careful of the words that'll be coming out of your mouth. if you don't like something, say it nicely. jangan menuduh melulu. aku tahu kamu berkobar-kobar menegakkan fahaman kamu. tapi mungkin kamu boleh cuba jaga hati mereka sekeliling. ya. manusia rambut sama hitam, hati dia kan lain-lain. don't be too judgmental. like i said before, lambat-laun kamu akan jadi EXACTLY macam orang yang kamu pertikaikan, those people you love to judge so much. i used to really hate skateboarders but i ended up with one. tapi itu cerita lepas. karma slapped me hard in the face with my own judgmental words.

jadi, kalau tak suka, diam-diam sudah. tak perlu dikhabarkan pada seluruh alam.
owh. 'tak suka' juga antara salah satu favourite words aku. and 'sabar je lah'.

ha'ah. mungkin aku dari species atas pagar.

passion is what i'm missing

it's friday again. which made my heart skipped a beat. but i got to know a sad news from a friend. anne. today, as decided by the management, is anne's last day in the office. the respond she gets when she turned down their offer. cruel. and what more? to be accused of stealing the company's x-files. x-files lah sangat. eh. tak pernah dengar kisah mulut si pembinasa ke? mulut kami terror lah. dan kau pun perlu tahu. tukang-tukang kipas kau tu pun, mulut lagi hebat dari mulut neraka. you know, i hate politics. especially the ones in the office. kadang-kadang rasa macam nak carik-carik saja masing-masing yang tangannya bersalut lumpur keji tu. hmph. but, always in every aspect of life, there's the pros & cons. anne, who live to live her passion will get to where she wants to be by not being here in the same office as iam right now. she will achieve all those dreams she had in her slumber or in the daylight because she have that certain charisma that some of us doesn't have. ha ha. like me. miss playsafe duduk atas pagar. it's been two years and some months that i've been here, attending to unscheduled workloads. though at the meantime i was browsing for new job vacancies, for some deliciously new experience, i kept rethinking about my decision. kerja ni adalah kerja grafik paling relaks di dunia. kau tak perlu risau pasal overtime. kau boleh datang buat kerja bila kau nak, dan bila tak mahu, tak mahu lah. but of course, with limits. tapi dalam masa yang sama, aku impikan sesuatu yang luar biasa. i remember when i used to walk from sogo to my college, aku selalu perhatikan sungai gombak/klang yang penuh dengan bendasing terapung-apung dibawa arus. i thought, wouldn't it be great if one day, as i walk by, i discover a dead body floating on the river? then my face will be on papers as the one who discovered it. but the most interesting thing that had ever floated on the river hanyalah sebuah kerusi pejabat, exactly like the one that i'm sitting on right now. pathetic kan aku ni? terlalu banyak berangan, kadang-kadang aku sendiri sesat. confused which one was just a daydream and which one's the real thing. if i was a guy, mat jenin would've been a suitable name for me. but instead i'm this supersexy cool girl with the biggest breast ever (hmm...wonder if lelakiminimalist would be interested in me) plus the most alluring eyes for you to drool on. owh. aku berangan lagi. hmm..but, i haven't given up on my job hunting yet. as for you my dear dear anne, i wish you good luck and will always pray for your well beings. pastu jangan tak reti pulak nak pray for me, eh? i love you to the bones because that's all you have. okay. and that big ass of yours. uhuh. uhuh.