take me away for i'll always be your island lover

trip melarikan diri was dreamy. the sand, the clear water, the colourful fishes, the wind, the sun, the stars yang malu sambil bermain sorok-sorok buat aku lupa realiti yang sentiasa menghantui aku, menggigit bahu aku sekadar mahu menguji kekuatan diri sendiri. dan di saat aku menaip satu-persatu huruf di keyboard untuk membina ayat yang kononnnya menarik untuk dibaca, how i wish i'm still there lying under that umbrella with '666' written on it dan biarkan saja angin laut meniup segala mimpi enak ke arah ku. hari terakhir buat aku rasa gerun pasal aku tahu akan segala kekusutan yang menunggu aku di kota durjana, yang tidak sabar untuk menyambut kepulangan ku. a stumble upon a familiar face made me recall some memories of the past. aku ada punya rahsia: i like drunkards. because they don't think too much and it's easy being around them. though it was just one night, but i appreciated the conversation. ketara, perasaan rindu menyelimuti kami. but not to each other instead to those people we wished were there with us on the island. and the best thing when you're with a drunkard, they won't remember a thing the next day. biar aku saja yang simpan memori itu pasal memang, aku suka menghunus pisau ke atas diri sendiri. slowly, i think i'm starting to forget how it feels like to be happy. jadi aku cuba menghargai saat-saat bahagia yang aku lalui. dalam kepala aku semacam ada sebuah album bahagia yang penuh dengan snapshots dengan mereka yang pernah menyumbangkan perasaan bahagia untuk aku. ala, yang lepas itu, lepas lah. usah dikenang lagi. tapi itu sahaja yang aku ada, something that i can hold on to, tidak mahu ia dibawa ombak. the getaway this time, aku lebih puas hati pasal i get to see the sharks (eventhough it meant leaving your friends behind. he he), i get to have a long conversation with a familiar face that i've never had the chance talking to, got a shot of better sunset, playing in the water with kebaya on plus calling out to the stars. and mind you, we were all high on just life on the island itself. no extra substance. goody two-shoes? tidak juga. well, some stuff are better left unsaid. tapi apa yang aku pasti, ada tanda-tanda untuk kami semua kembali to that dreamy island.



di luar tingkap sekarang, langit mendung terusan mengubah mood bahagia.

"it feels weird isn't it when you call your ex at 12 noon and a sleepy girl answered? or maybe tak weird pun pasal ex kau, kan? perlu ke kau kisah? tak perlu, kan? feels like shit, sial. babipukimak. aku nak balik ke pulau."

my current happy pictures

this was last year. i know it's gonna happen again this year. crossing my fingers.

where art thou, sex drive?

awal pagi jumaat, instead of staring at the ceiling, i blog-hop. to the familiars, arrived at the new ones. mondays. they're very depressing. but fridays. i couldn't wait to wake up this morning. woke up at 4:55am thinking it was already 7am. another hour, i woke up again, thinking it's already time to get dress for the day. i came to the office and found myself singing good morning to my colleagues, which surprised them because for the past week i was gloomy, depressed, not approachable. so this particularly wonderful morning (i hope it's gonna stay like this until the next morning) i came across tripfantastic and kinda made my day. i love checking out her pictures, they seemed to me all happy shiny people. thanks. i think i should post up happy pictures too. i will but i have to rummage around my picture files. don't worry, i'll come by your cute little cafe just to thank you on how you made my day :)
last night weren't full of whines. we had dinner, a light sleep then got up to have an intimate chat. 'heart and i avoided talking about our current situation. i know he tried hard. thanks for not ruining the night, 'heart. it's been quite some time since we had a decent conversation. love bonding. love bonding. love bonding. hmmm...where should i start? i don't know whether it's just me or i've lost my sex drive somewhere among my heaps of clothes (which i have to sort out and give out one of these days) or the feeling ain't mutual anymore? i thought, by having 'heart at home last night, maybe i can forget about my feelings towards john and we'll get back to our normal lives before. somebody should've whacked me in the head for this lame excuse. because all i can think of was john. c'mon people. this is NOT love, right? it's an obsession, right? because currently john is trying to avoid me (he told me so) because he's afraid of getting drown in this mimpi lucid of ours. that's the way life goes. you will somehow want stuff you can't have. john's driving me crazy. he's definitely gonna get it from me if i see him tonight at the usual friday hang-out club. GRRR...

and maybe after he gets it from me, we'll return to our bored lives. ouh. and thanks SDN blogger for the perhubungan platonik idea. i'm reconsidering that too.

slowly moving to a new phase

i was humming to some tune as i headed towards the sink.
"kenapa kau macam happy hari ni?" asked seed.
i was dangling my new earrings which made 'klink!klink!' sound, an early birthday gift from isaa and kobe sparked me:
(2:32 PM) lembu expensive: wei..tahniah..anda adalah org yg paling gembira hari ini di pejabat
(2:32 PM) lembu expensive: :D

i guess i woke up on the right side of bed this morning despite the terrible news i received from mili last night. one of her close friends passed away and she didn't get to attend the funeral because she forgot to forward her new number to some of her other close friends. her friend who passed away because of asthma was 'heart's friend's ex-girlfriend and i knew her too. mili & i addressed her as the girl who always gets her way. i wonder what would all the people around her who didn't treat her that nice feels now...al-fatihah.
evening yesterday, lavid, nata & i had a look around at our new apartment. a 15mins drive to work with jusco across the road and the durjana city not too far away, the place's just perfect: swimming pool, gym, sauna, grocery shop, laundry, barber shop, tailor, parking space & very tight security. semua sekali: RM650. the house's cute, the living hall's pink & three different colours for the three rooms. sepantas kilat i ran for a room that views the swimming pool and far across the road. sorry lavid. i'm really excited about moving in to a new place. but...on my birthday next week i'll be having a job interview at lorong tempinis kanan, which is two tolls from the new apartment. i really don't know which should i cross my fingers to. anyway, we're getting the key to the house tonight. it's a big relief for me since i have to get out of the current house by end of this month. owh. so much happenings on my birthday this year. :)

and despite the marah-marah, geram-geram, sedih-sedih, tawar-tawar towards 'heart, i kind of miss him.

don't be too happy or else

friday night. friday night. i think from this blog, it seems that, to all of you, all that matters in my life is my friday nights. apparently my joy division's only active on that particular night. well, currently. i was really hype about last friday night. it felt like it has been a while since i went out (when it was just a week). attentions were all over me like those young annoying drunkards around the club. i was enjoying myself plus the songs were all good and my favourite friends were there too except for anne who had to travel up north. but elle's face didn't show so much joy. i was sorry for her because she didn't get to really enjoy the night away. when we went for the after drink, i was amazed at myself on how i really enjoyed the night (notice the repetition of the word 'enjoy'?) that i reminded to stop myself from feeling happy. i'm that superstitious to believe that if you suddenly feel happy, there''ll be something bad waiting in line just to blow your bubbles.

10am saturday, along called. "abah is hospitalized in dungun."

terus rasa takut menyelubungi diri. the fear that i have always thought of came true. the first hint on losing a loved one. apparently, on the same morning, condolences goes to my cousin who lost his first newborn. i called abah.
"how are you?"
"i'm okay. why worry about me?"
and i had to cry.
of course i have to worry about you, abah. you're my abah. you used to worry about me because i'm your daughter & i know you are worried still. the disease that attacked him was something that i thought would never happen in my family due to our health history. cancer. a cancer that from studies, not very common among asian men. when we brought him back to the city, he refused any visits from friends. in the first place, he wouldn't even want to talk about it. something that's been running in me, keeping health problems just to myself. but mili is very good at handling things like these since she's closer to abah than me. i am most likely to cry over tiny things rather than her. if only mak & abah are still together, maybe it'll be easier for him to be taken care of. instead, mak is flying off to perth & will only be back on january 2nd. i wonder if there is still love between the two of them...