the worst in me

you know, aku selalu sunyi. when i told elle that i don't know how to mingle around, she rolled her eyes. tapi hakikatnya memang betul. everyday, i make believe that i have the confidence of facing the days ahead but inside, the glass is not even half-full. most of the time, i wouldn't mind being alone. and another most of the time, aku jadi gila just being alone. things, craps kept playing in my head, provoking with my own emotions. lately, i felt invisible. dari dulu lagi, walaupun nampak macam i have a big circle of friends, i'm always the one left behind. though i'm loud, outgoing sometimes, but really people, you don't know what goes on behind this closed door.
the other night, john.j said that it'll be unfair for me to be with him. ada sedikit hampa dengan statement itu tapi it didn't really bother me. sebab dua, tiga hari kemudian, as i thought about what he said and the happenings around me, i decided that instead of unfair for me, it's actually unfair for him to be with me. currently, i'm not in a good state to jump to another relationship. pelbagai hutang yang belum selesai. last night, i realized i can't handle jealousy quite well. i hate jealousy because it could drive me mad, brings out the worst in me. dan tempiasnya sudah tentu akan terkena pada mereka yang berdekatan. yang buruk biar aku seorang tanggung. yang lain hanya perlu gembira, bukan susah hati kerana aku yang selfish ini. i don't want to burden those people i love. ya, pemikiran aku cetek macam ini. pemikiran aku bicara tentang kebahagiaan si teman, bukan gundah-gulana yang datangnya dari aku. buat apa mahu hidup semati dengan aku kalau susah yang perlu ditempuhi? that's why i left my previous relationship. at this moment i think i'll end up alone until i die because i'm no angel myself. i don't think i can bring pure happiness to my future partner/s.


minggu lepas, aku pathetic.



semalam, aku rasa john. j hot. gila.





hari ini, aku sunyi.

nyah-kan

air yang jatuh menimpa ubun kepala
diwaktu pagi subuh tadi
buat aku terkejut lalu statik

1...2...3...

bangkit!
aduh!
masa-masa yang lampau apa yang aku untung?
kosong
rugi banyak dalam diri, luar ini

ini sifatnya yang perlu aku nyah-kan
ini sifatnya yang tidak perlu aku kawan-kan
pergi!
mampus!
jadi selama ini aku hanya bahan ketawa, bukan?

nah!
aku sudah bangkit
dan kamu, wahai penghuni kota durjana

jaga kamu.

-fzk-

zach de la rocha sergah "wake up!"

steve aoki, yang kerap kali memanjat, bergayut atas DJ counter dan kemudian buat terjunan berani-diraba malam minggu lalu, buat aku rindu pada rage against the machine. zaman aku masih budak hingusan. when i was small, i had this favourite past-time (unfavourable by along) which is to go around his stuff. what was i supposed to do, he was the only one around i can look up to (for my age at that time). among his old cassettes, i found RATM, koRn and spawn's soundtrack very intriguing. the next week he brought home a cd and called me up to his room. "listen to this. cuba teka siapa." a familiar voice blared out of his desktop machine's speakers. "incubus eh?" i recognized boyd's voice from my favourite track on spawn's album. and s.c.i.e.n.c.e. became the album yang aku agung-agungkan. ye la. budak hingusan remember?aku semacam teruja dengan sound yang heavy begitu. aku naik excited bila along came home with Family Value's video tape (circa 97-98). and that's where i learned about limp bizkit, sevendust, coal chamber, rammstein, orgy, deftones dan yang seangkatan lain. i turned from blur, oasis to american music. owh. dan hanya selepas band-band nu metal ini, baru aku tahu pasal nirvana yang digembar-gemburkan rakan sekelas aku. lembab, aku tahu. lucu, aku teringat waktu aku cuba menerangkan the different sound between american rock and brit rock to mili, my younger sister. entah faham ke tidak budak kecil itu. but she was the reason why i was standing there, with the tank top anne bought for me from phuket, watching steve aoki's hair flew all over his face. that black circuit sponsored event, aku nyaris ketinggalan atas beberapa perkara yang tidak sepatutnya berlaku. you see, last week, ada semacam kuasa asing yang cuba untuk menjatuhkan self-esteem aku. lepas satu, satu aku diuji. i cried for a few consecutive days. semua yang disimpan dalam-dalam keluar melimpah. tentang seorang bekas kekasih, tentang seorang kawan, tentang perasaan-perasaan semalam. semuanya ada kaitan dengan cemburu. nah. "inilah padahnya asyik disimpan perasaan tu." aku keluh pada yang sudi mendengar. i know that i'll be frustrated, but i keep coming back for more. dan kawan, bukankah sesungguhnya you should understand my emotional situation? i didn't want to tell her straight because i'd so much like to avoid scenes. pasal aku pun sendiri tahu, 'heart and i are not together anymore, so he's a free bird. "kau tengok? why do you still have to care when they don't even care about your feelings?" anne membebel ada aku. terasa diri macam bodoh sangat. tapi perasaan, anne. bak kata faalifyazai, jiwa ini bukanlah kalis peluru. dah lah. i think i should just move forward, jangan ditoleh belakang lagi kerana aku tahu, if i do turn around, even just for a peek, i know i'll come running back for those heartache moments. aku pun hanyalah setakat "kawan yang baik sangat."

the only good thing that happened to me, was john. the sweetest thing that has ever happened to me. so far. we went for a drive and as i had my laptop with me, we came with this crazy idea: the science of sleep, in a car, some petrol station, 4.30am. i was amazed how john actually watched the movie until the credits came up. the guy that i have the hots for, actually paid attention to my favourite movie. kalau aku ada time-machine macam dalam movie tu, aku akan rewind that movie session for it was the best movie date i've ever had. seriously, if you were to ask me, i really don't know how to be your close friend. because the feelings i have for you is more than that. so you did a mural for me. john, entry tentang kamu, menang banyak kerusi di senandung konspirasi. does that answer your question?

haih. but why do i always fall for sweethearts? the type where girls are so easy to fall for. oh no. not the same thing all over again?