last weekend i watched 500 Days of Summer for the second time at Anne's place. waktu pertama kali menonton that movie, i fell in love with her character. tapi bila aku tonton untuk kali keduanya, i didn't find it interesting anymore. tidak macam The Science of Sleep where i can watch it over and over again. Anne wasn't very impressed with the movie though. said something about how the director suap bulat-bulat apa yang audience mahu. well, ada truth in her opinion. anyway, so i wanted to be like Summer, carefree and innocent bitch like that. because i'm vulnerable dan selalu rasa macam dipergunakan. tapi sebenarnya, after watching it at Anne's place, i realized, aku sudah ada 80% of Summer's character. quite cold and ignorant. well, in the movie it seems that the word 'vulnerable' doesn't exist in her life dictionary but the movie is all about Tom's perspective. so probably, of course, Summer does have her own vulnerable moments (for God's sake, it's just a movie). iya lah. mungkin selepas Summer berkahwin, dia bercerai dan datang mencari Tom semula. okay. itu movie lain.
the crap that i'm trying to make a point out of is that, hey, sebenarnya aku pun boleh tahan cold dan slightly carefree. of the things i've experienced, buat aku jadi cold, ignorant dan selfish. tapi bukanlah keseluruhan. just to some people yang seeking confirmation. sort of. sekarang aku macam bangga konon aku tidak begitu vulnerable. but i'm ready to laugh at myself in the future nanti pasal aku tukar fikiran macam tukar baju.
sorry pada yang rasa aku perangai macam sial. i couldn't help it. layan texting sudah. tidak perlu ajak aku lepak pasal aku malas mahu act nice. kalau text, i can just daze off somewhere.
Selasa, Disember 22
kids
i hope, my sons and daughters will let me teach them about the world, nonetheless, in the future because obviously at that time, the world will be another planet to me. like how ours is different from our parents' time. i hope they're gonna give me the chance to say out my opinion too even when they know things are way different.
Rabu, Disember 9
keep myself riding on this train
warna jingga, ungu dan kelabu.
aku sendiri tidak faham kenapa aku mahu sedih sedangkan this is what i wanted in the first place. terasa bodoh lalu aku menangis. but at the same time laughing at myself for being so fucken funny.
pathetic. oh so pathetic.
buat apa mahu sedih kalau kau tahu dia yang sebegitu rupa, not worth a shit pun. but it's the whole thing. the whole 'i will never be' thing. i didn't want it to be an item tapi aku sedih.
pasal in the end, bukan aku yang dipilih. you know? the 'never will be' person.
am i THAT bad? what? cheap slut? sampah sarap? you've finally realized that, huh? good then.
dan Tuhan. oh Tuhan. He's one funny guy full of sarcasm. itu pasal aku sayang Dia.
aku sendiri tidak faham kenapa aku mahu sedih sedangkan this is what i wanted in the first place. terasa bodoh lalu aku menangis. but at the same time laughing at myself for being so fucken funny.
pathetic. oh so pathetic.
buat apa mahu sedih kalau kau tahu dia yang sebegitu rupa, not worth a shit pun. but it's the whole thing. the whole 'i will never be' thing. i didn't want it to be an item tapi aku sedih.
pasal in the end, bukan aku yang dipilih. you know? the 'never will be' person.
am i THAT bad? what? cheap slut? sampah sarap? you've finally realized that, huh? good then.
dan Tuhan. oh Tuhan. He's one funny guy full of sarcasm. itu pasal aku sayang Dia.
Isnin, November 16
pit stop
ada pemabuk talking out loud yang sedang dipapah oleh temannya yang setia, passed by. ada silent moment dalam kereta.
"you menyesal tak about what happened that night?" aku tanya. ada riak berfikir on his face.
he answered, "tak."
aku pandang jauh luar dari kereta. "i menyesal."
aku pernah cakap, golden triangle ini, kota durjana. banyak dosa-dosa nafsu bergelimpangan.
"you menyesal tak about what happened that night?" aku tanya. ada riak berfikir on his face.
he answered, "tak."
aku pandang jauh luar dari kereta. "i menyesal."
aku pernah cakap, golden triangle ini, kota durjana. banyak dosa-dosa nafsu bergelimpangan.
Isnin, Oktober 19
macam roda
it's been a while since i last blogged. a few things happened, rasa macam mahu cerita tapi macam malas pun ada juga. ada a little feud in the air. okay, so aku jadi jahat sebab brought the worst, as in the 'kampung' part in someone. well, karma. itu saja yang perlu aku cakap. owh. dan 'bekas'. i'm a familiar and you're not. besides, seriously, you're trying too hard, honey. chill sikit.
weekend aku jalan utara sana. agak awkward pasal aku join crowd yang tidak sepatutnya but it seemed that they didn't give a damn about it and so did i. i can't remember any skate trips as fun as i had last weekend. when Boy asked me, i said prolly because i think too much back then, insecurity and stuff. pulang dari utara, aku cerita dengan Mills. aku cakap, "dan seperti biasa, mana saya pergi mesti ada sesuatu yang bizarre berlaku." macam memang lumrah hidup aku. tapi bizarre yang tidak potong mood. and dude, i friggin' paraglided last sunday because it was friggin' cheap! all the way the trip was breath-taking. cuma part di mana i didn't have enough time to go through one giant bundle of clothes with prices ranging from RM1 to RM5.
aku rindu my travel mates!
dan kini aku bukan lagi berada nun di kota cyber tapi di sini, lebih dekat dengan kota durjana.
weekend aku jalan utara sana. agak awkward pasal aku join crowd yang tidak sepatutnya but it seemed that they didn't give a damn about it and so did i. i can't remember any skate trips as fun as i had last weekend. when Boy asked me, i said prolly because i think too much back then, insecurity and stuff. pulang dari utara, aku cerita dengan Mills. aku cakap, "dan seperti biasa, mana saya pergi mesti ada sesuatu yang bizarre berlaku." macam memang lumrah hidup aku. tapi bizarre yang tidak potong mood. and dude, i friggin' paraglided last sunday because it was friggin' cheap! all the way the trip was breath-taking. cuma part di mana i didn't have enough time to go through one giant bundle of clothes with prices ranging from RM1 to RM5.
aku rindu my travel mates!
dan kini aku bukan lagi berada nun di kota cyber tapi di sini, lebih dekat dengan kota durjana.
Khamis, Oktober 1
kopi dan pasta
Bila at the end of the day, kau hanya his best sex partner, kau rasa jatuh cinta itu satu pembaziran masa dan perkataan perasaan itu tidak harus wujud dalam hati dan diri kau itu tidak harus pun digelar manusia.
Kau rasa all these while those smiles hanya palsu, kau macam tersekat between mimpi dan realiti. Dan kau cari which part of you yang betul-betul human, kau tanya pelbagai soalan mencari jawapan di mana salah everything. Dan hari-hari kau akan sedih dan fikir dan sayu dan sepi. Pasal ya, at the end of the day, kau hanya worth yang itu.
Nothing more. Nothing less.
Dan bila kau sedang menangis tersedu, kau mahu dakapnya dari belakang, kau mahu tergesa-gesa bisikkan ke telinganya,“Kalau memang wujud akan perasaan cinta itu, you shouldn’t be coming back for more. Make her happy instead pasal dia macam terlalu percaya dengan perasaan cintanya untuk kau. Buat dia bahagia pasal nafsu itu boleh memakan diri, sayang. Kau bercintalah dengan jujur pasal karma is always around to haunt you.”
Dan ketika kau lepaskan dakapan erat itu, sekaligus cinta ditoreh lumat dari kamus hidup kau. Dan kau melutut dan berdoa dan berdoa dan berdoa. Dan kau paksa untuk dia stop haunting you.
Pasal hanya kau seorang sahaja tahu betapa dalamnya luka yang terparut di hati kau dan setiap kali dia kembali dengan attention-nya kau macam seorang anak kecil yang menggenggam candies warna-warni yang fikirnya purpose untuk hidup adalah dengan menyuapkan benda-benda manis ke dalam mulut. Tapi yang keluar dari celah-celah attention-nya hanya tikaman bertubi-tubi yang buat darah kau memancut keluar yang buat kau meraung sakit yang buat kau fikir bagaimana dia boleh jadi sekejam itu, yang dahulunya, the sweetest thing you had ever known.
Kau rasa all these while those smiles hanya palsu, kau macam tersekat between mimpi dan realiti. Dan kau cari which part of you yang betul-betul human, kau tanya pelbagai soalan mencari jawapan di mana salah everything. Dan hari-hari kau akan sedih dan fikir dan sayu dan sepi. Pasal ya, at the end of the day, kau hanya worth yang itu.
Nothing more. Nothing less.
Dan bila kau sedang menangis tersedu, kau mahu dakapnya dari belakang, kau mahu tergesa-gesa bisikkan ke telinganya,“Kalau memang wujud akan perasaan cinta itu, you shouldn’t be coming back for more. Make her happy instead pasal dia macam terlalu percaya dengan perasaan cintanya untuk kau. Buat dia bahagia pasal nafsu itu boleh memakan diri, sayang. Kau bercintalah dengan jujur pasal karma is always around to haunt you.”
Dan ketika kau lepaskan dakapan erat itu, sekaligus cinta ditoreh lumat dari kamus hidup kau. Dan kau melutut dan berdoa dan berdoa dan berdoa. Dan kau paksa untuk dia stop haunting you.
Pasal hanya kau seorang sahaja tahu betapa dalamnya luka yang terparut di hati kau dan setiap kali dia kembali dengan attention-nya kau macam seorang anak kecil yang menggenggam candies warna-warni yang fikirnya purpose untuk hidup adalah dengan menyuapkan benda-benda manis ke dalam mulut. Tapi yang keluar dari celah-celah attention-nya hanya tikaman bertubi-tubi yang buat darah kau memancut keluar yang buat kau meraung sakit yang buat kau fikir bagaimana dia boleh jadi sekejam itu, yang dahulunya, the sweetest thing you had ever known.
Isnin, September 28
hamba cakerawala
abah made up a story. or somebody made it up and then had the time of telling it to him. and then he told Mili and she'll do the usual.
ada seorang raja yang ada tiga orang anak. yang pertama macam tamak dan kedekut sangat. so the raja pun buang negeri si anaknya yang sulung itu. anak yang ketiga pula, ada perasaan hasad dengki dan cemburu yang membuak-buak. dia juga dibuang negeri. negeri yang lain. the second child though, dia macam tidak ambil port sangat. apa sajalah perangai adik-beradiknya itu. dan si raja sangat menyenangi perangai anak keduanya itu. sebagai ganjaran, negara yang diperintah olehnya diturunkan kepada the second child.
okay. sekarang part teka-teki.
1- apa nama negara anak pertama?
2- apa nama negara anak ketiga?
3- apa nama negara anak kedua?
kata-kata pembayang: anak ketiga terlalu mencemburui anak kedua pasal he got the dad's country yang kaya dengan mineral.
selamat mencuba.
ada seorang raja yang ada tiga orang anak. yang pertama macam tamak dan kedekut sangat. so the raja pun buang negeri si anaknya yang sulung itu. anak yang ketiga pula, ada perasaan hasad dengki dan cemburu yang membuak-buak. dia juga dibuang negeri. negeri yang lain. the second child though, dia macam tidak ambil port sangat. apa sajalah perangai adik-beradiknya itu. dan si raja sangat menyenangi perangai anak keduanya itu. sebagai ganjaran, negara yang diperintah olehnya diturunkan kepada the second child.
okay. sekarang part teka-teki.
1- apa nama negara anak pertama?
2- apa nama negara anak ketiga?
3- apa nama negara anak kedua?
kata-kata pembayang: anak ketiga terlalu mencemburui anak kedua pasal he got the dad's country yang kaya dengan mineral.
selamat mencuba.
Rabu, September 9
gelombang nestapa
at night, i still have unwanted dreams. not exactly nightmares, cuma perkara yang aku tidak mahu lihat waktu tidur. untuk seseorang yang lebih kurang senang terpengaruh dengan mimpi, it's kind of unhealthy for me to be having the dreams. kadang-kadang, it goes on for weeks. situation lain-lain tapi always the same plot di mana pada hujung mimpi ada cue untuk reality kemudian baru aku terjaga. it never ended sweetly. always, always mimpi itu akan berpanjangan sampai part reality muncul.
anne cakap, "layankan aje."
mili, "itu mainan perasaan. it's just you. itu semua past."
it's tiring to be getting this stuff which i don't need it at all. macam ditanya soalan yang sama berulang-kali, macam iklan raya Petronas where the boy kept asking, "burung apa?". mungkin aku sendiri yang invite the reality to come in my dreams where the situations were obviously surreal dan aku ada doubts about it. sort of the law of attractions. memang terang-terangan kau, aku tahu the solution. but it's easier said than done.
personally, aku rasa hope hanya buat kita lebih sengsara.
anne cakap, "layankan aje."
mili, "itu mainan perasaan. it's just you. itu semua past."
it's tiring to be getting this stuff which i don't need it at all. macam ditanya soalan yang sama berulang-kali, macam iklan raya Petronas where the boy kept asking, "burung apa?". mungkin aku sendiri yang invite the reality to come in my dreams where the situations were obviously surreal dan aku ada doubts about it. sort of the law of attractions. memang terang-terangan kau, aku tahu the solution. but it's easier said than done.
personally, aku rasa hope hanya buat kita lebih sengsara.
Selasa, September 8
calm down
i have tonnes of stuff to spill here tapi sayang, everytime aku click New Post, those words just shied away.
since most of the posts here, yang panjang-panjang adalah dari category whines, depressions dan segala jenis kemurungan, sebab aku sudah jarang post bukan pasal aku happy. okay-lah, belum happy tapi maybe tidak se-pathetic dulu. sekarang aku layan baca Amir Hafizi. owh. juga bukan writer's block pasal aku bukan writer pun. i can imagine myself get beaten up by real writers pasal penggunaan bahasa songsang aku. kiri-kanan-atas-bawah. nasib baik gua anonymous.
by the way, aku activate semula akaun Twitter atas sebab-sebab tertentu yang tidak munasabah.
since most of the posts here, yang panjang-panjang adalah dari category whines, depressions dan segala jenis kemurungan, sebab aku sudah jarang post bukan pasal aku happy. okay-lah, belum happy tapi maybe tidak se-pathetic dulu. sekarang aku layan baca Amir Hafizi. owh. juga bukan writer's block pasal aku bukan writer pun. i can imagine myself get beaten up by real writers pasal penggunaan bahasa songsang aku. kiri-kanan-atas-bawah. nasib baik gua anonymous.
by the way, aku activate semula akaun Twitter atas sebab-sebab tertentu yang tidak munasabah.
Jumaat, Ogos 28
staring at the ceiling
macam bosanlah post entries on perasaan. yang konon hal deep sangat. aku mahu start post everyday journal.
mari cuba.
lebih kurang 5am tadi aku terjaga and then tanpa apa-apa motif penting, aku log in laptop dan biarkan YM online. kemudian aku sambung tidur sampai lebih kurang 7am dan di luar tingkap aku dengar bunyi hujan and everyone knows how the sound of rain in the morning sangatlah mengiurkan. jadi, aku sambung tidur. about 30 minutes later, i woke up pasal aku cuba mahu mendisiplinkan diri untuk pergi kerja awal pasal malam semalam when i was driving back i thought to myself, if i can make myself not eat rice on weekdays (i heart nasi, mind you) why can't i try do it in other parts of my life? the more important parts. so yeah, aku tiba 15 minutes early. on most days, aku sampai either 30 minutes late or more. hari ini Mills tumpang aku pasal dia malas mahu drive. bila sampai office, aku sambung buat brochure yang aku tinggalkan sehelai-sepinggang semalam. sekarang, sudah masuk waktu lunch and eventhough aku tidak puasa, i'm not eating pasal ada orang sudah tegur i've gained weight. dan semalam aku tengok cermin, my reflection sudah macam bloated. hari ini masih belum tengok cermin. hanya part muka saja.
maannn, i suck at this.
mari cuba.
lebih kurang 5am tadi aku terjaga and then tanpa apa-apa motif penting, aku log in laptop dan biarkan YM online. kemudian aku sambung tidur sampai lebih kurang 7am dan di luar tingkap aku dengar bunyi hujan and everyone knows how the sound of rain in the morning sangatlah mengiurkan. jadi, aku sambung tidur. about 30 minutes later, i woke up pasal aku cuba mahu mendisiplinkan diri untuk pergi kerja awal pasal malam semalam when i was driving back i thought to myself, if i can make myself not eat rice on weekdays (i heart nasi, mind you) why can't i try do it in other parts of my life? the more important parts. so yeah, aku tiba 15 minutes early. on most days, aku sampai either 30 minutes late or more. hari ini Mills tumpang aku pasal dia malas mahu drive. bila sampai office, aku sambung buat brochure yang aku tinggalkan sehelai-sepinggang semalam. sekarang, sudah masuk waktu lunch and eventhough aku tidak puasa, i'm not eating pasal ada orang sudah tegur i've gained weight. dan semalam aku tengok cermin, my reflection sudah macam bloated. hari ini masih belum tengok cermin. hanya part muka saja.
maannn, i suck at this.
Jumaat, Ogos 21
E. is for stable
everytime kalau ada orang cakap "flying colours" mesti dalam kepala aku ada strands of colourful ribbons macam berlalu pantas. brightly coloured ribbons yang macam selalu dilekatkan pada air-cond untuk display.
2-3 hari ini aku ada satu craving pelik untuk buat makeover for Vans's room. aku tidak pasti idea datang dari mana but i just think it would be fun to do it. maybe i just need to channel whatever's going on inside, perasaan atau pemikiran, on something. dan aku rasa dia adalah mangsa yang sesuai pasal dia terlalu busy untuk buat benda-benda macam itu so maybe i can be some kind of help for him, no?
or prolly he'll just freak out thinking that maybe aku sudah perasan konon we're in a relationship. all i need is just a canvas. nothing wrong, right?
2-3 hari ini aku ada satu craving pelik untuk buat makeover for Vans's room. aku tidak pasti idea datang dari mana but i just think it would be fun to do it. maybe i just need to channel whatever's going on inside, perasaan atau pemikiran, on something. dan aku rasa dia adalah mangsa yang sesuai pasal dia terlalu busy untuk buat benda-benda macam itu so maybe i can be some kind of help for him, no?
or prolly he'll just freak out thinking that maybe aku sudah perasan konon we're in a relationship. all i need is just a canvas. nothing wrong, right?
Isnin, Ogos 17
no, i tried so hard to catch your eye
apa-apa jenis ship selain dari yang tertera di status Facebook adalah relationship miscellaneous. jadi, kalau kawan kau tanya, "korang ni apa sebenarnya?" untuk tidak menaikkan goosebumps by answering, "TTM, teman tapi mesra," kau jawab, "it's a miscellaneous relationship."
maybe bunyi lebih urban with percikan coolness.
maybe bunyi lebih urban with percikan coolness.
Isnin, Ogos 10
how we long for a life as a slave
Al cakap, "kau ni, sebenarnya, takut kehilangan."
siapa tidak takut bila both of your closest girlfriends are getting married next year? when i read the text message Anne sent me, tiba-tiba aku rasa gelisah dan waktu aku jumpa Al di gerai makan, i couldn't hold back the tears. eek. sudah besar pun mahu menangis in public places. the thing is, not that i too wanna get married it's just the idea of that person yang kau selalu hold on to, akan berubah into someone else. bull shit-lah kalau mereka cakap they'll stay the same. yes, i have party friends tapi aku jenis yang agak susah untuk get intimate. bila aku rasa susah hati, aku akan cari tiga orang; Elle, Anne dan Al. kalau semua sudah busy dengan spouse masing-masing, aku mahu cari siapa to cry my whole heart out to?
so i told them about Vans last night. Al macam serba-salah giving me suggestions about it. Anne tried to sooth me down. all i wanted was for us to talk about it. pasal aku rasa when the topic is about me, aku rasa macam ada orang yang masih kisah pasal aku. i didn't really care what they had to say, i just needed a conversation. and i told him how i was a bitch (i'm not sure if i am still one) dan kenapa aku rasa gelisah about things. really, it wasn't actually a big deal when Vans said he's gonna stay single forever tapi mungkin with that statement, it will never work between the two of us. it exhausted Al and Anne when i didn't know what i wanted actually. kemudian, Anne's boyfriend mencelah, inserting solution yang paling clear which is, if you enjoy the idea, why not? dia cakap, "enjoy it while it lasts la and bila you dah bosan, leave him." funny how we sometimes know the fact all along tapi saja mengada-ngada mahu orang lain point it out. so yeah, i've decided to hold on to Peter's words. dan brush off perasaan vulnerable.
juga nasib menyebelahi aku that currently my phoneline's barred.
owh. owh. owh. how dare i forget the one who wouldn't mind listening and talk about things with me yang buat masa sekarang aku boleh percaya pada dia that she won't go away, leave me dan buat aku rasa kehilangan. i should do the session more with her because i guess, we're both still learning about things.
siapa tidak takut bila both of your closest girlfriends are getting married next year? when i read the text message Anne sent me, tiba-tiba aku rasa gelisah dan waktu aku jumpa Al di gerai makan, i couldn't hold back the tears. eek. sudah besar pun mahu menangis in public places. the thing is, not that i too wanna get married it's just the idea of that person yang kau selalu hold on to, akan berubah into someone else. bull shit-lah kalau mereka cakap they'll stay the same. yes, i have party friends tapi aku jenis yang agak susah untuk get intimate. bila aku rasa susah hati, aku akan cari tiga orang; Elle, Anne dan Al. kalau semua sudah busy dengan spouse masing-masing, aku mahu cari siapa to cry my whole heart out to?
so i told them about Vans last night. Al macam serba-salah giving me suggestions about it. Anne tried to sooth me down. all i wanted was for us to talk about it. pasal aku rasa when the topic is about me, aku rasa macam ada orang yang masih kisah pasal aku. i didn't really care what they had to say, i just needed a conversation. and i told him how i was a bitch (i'm not sure if i am still one) dan kenapa aku rasa gelisah about things. really, it wasn't actually a big deal when Vans said he's gonna stay single forever tapi mungkin with that statement, it will never work between the two of us. it exhausted Al and Anne when i didn't know what i wanted actually. kemudian, Anne's boyfriend mencelah, inserting solution yang paling clear which is, if you enjoy the idea, why not? dia cakap, "enjoy it while it lasts la and bila you dah bosan, leave him." funny how we sometimes know the fact all along tapi saja mengada-ngada mahu orang lain point it out. so yeah, i've decided to hold on to Peter's words. dan brush off perasaan vulnerable.
juga nasib menyebelahi aku that currently my phoneline's barred.
owh. owh. owh. how dare i forget the one who wouldn't mind listening and talk about things with me yang buat masa sekarang aku boleh percaya pada dia that she won't go away, leave me dan buat aku rasa kehilangan. i should do the session more with her because i guess, we're both still learning about things.
Khamis, Ogos 6
Rabu, Ogos 5
freedom's the source of the lightning sparks when you're dancing
lagu Ima Robot, STD Dance.
dan badannya liang-liuk ikut beat. kedua tangannya bermain-main dengan her own hair yang kerap-kali dibisikkan sendiri, masih tidak cukup panjang to be beautiful. matanya bergerak melihat the whole dark room yang hanya diterangi lampu next door neighbour. dan berhenti melihat mata opponent. he was looking at her expressionless sambil menghulurkan tembakau yang dibalut sendiri. she nod her head to the beat again dan capai.
head still moving, and suddenly the room was filled with shots of colours. started off with small dots kemudian jadi bigger. splashes. psychedelic colours. tembakau campuran. dia nampak cahaya lampu neon yang biasa dilihat at her usual last resort on weekends. she was doing some moves that she saw on a movie yesterday. ruang kosong di bilik itu digunakan sehabis-habisnya. buka mata, muka opponent berada hanya 3 inci darinya. pantas ada shots of images di belakang matanya. satisfactions, faith, hope, destruction, love, envy. jari-jari opponent sampai di belakang bahunya, mencari tattoo 'kepercayaan' dengan font script yang dia buat setahun lalu di pulau sana. masih menari liang-liuk, her head rested against her opponent's. masih ada splashes of neon psychedelic colours.
he said, "be my psychedelic girl" dan si penari inhale dalam-dalam lebihan tembakau.
dan badannya liang-liuk ikut beat. kedua tangannya bermain-main dengan her own hair yang kerap-kali dibisikkan sendiri, masih tidak cukup panjang to be beautiful. matanya bergerak melihat the whole dark room yang hanya diterangi lampu next door neighbour. dan berhenti melihat mata opponent. he was looking at her expressionless sambil menghulurkan tembakau yang dibalut sendiri. she nod her head to the beat again dan capai.
head still moving, and suddenly the room was filled with shots of colours. started off with small dots kemudian jadi bigger. splashes. psychedelic colours. tembakau campuran. dia nampak cahaya lampu neon yang biasa dilihat at her usual last resort on weekends. she was doing some moves that she saw on a movie yesterday. ruang kosong di bilik itu digunakan sehabis-habisnya. buka mata, muka opponent berada hanya 3 inci darinya. pantas ada shots of images di belakang matanya. satisfactions, faith, hope, destruction, love, envy. jari-jari opponent sampai di belakang bahunya, mencari tattoo 'kepercayaan' dengan font script yang dia buat setahun lalu di pulau sana. masih menari liang-liuk, her head rested against her opponent's. masih ada splashes of neon psychedelic colours.
he said, "be my psychedelic girl" dan si penari inhale dalam-dalam lebihan tembakau.
Isnin, Ogos 3
this time we fight fire with fire
Khamis malam, aku pergi berdiri di tingkat atas, by the glass panel dan tersengih tengok perempuan-perempuan di podium tingkat bawah bergesel with each other sambil aku juga gelek, gelek, gelek. tapi aku gelek seorang pasal aku tidak gemar mahu gesel-gesel pasal macam geli semacam. seperti biasa, ada saja orang yang tidak boleh tengok aku enjoy sendiri. so this black guy came up to me dan minta phone number sekaligus tanya pukul berapa yang dia boleh call aku. i told him, "i don't entertain calls anymore," and when he asked why, i said, "because i'm seeing someone."
mestilah it was a lie. duh!
but i do like this one guy, you know? cuma pada aku dia sesuatu yang tidak pasti. kau tidak boleh budget sangat what goes on in his mind. dan aku memang malas pun mahu tanya sana-sini pasal his past pasal aku takut kalau ada cerita yang tidak best sampai ke telinga aku. in denial, kan? so sue me. anyway, i was talking about my situations with this guy dengan seorang kawan yang sedang melalui post-break up. and then she brought up this question: do you like him or the idea of him? tidak payah fikir panjang untuk aku jawab soalan itu. since i don't know why i'm so attracted to him of course jawapannya adalah the idea of him. tidak payah cerita banyak, he got good manners, he's tanned, he dives. memang aku suka yang muka-muka melayu, macam ada sedikit unsur Jawa. dan dia ada sofa pusing di rumahnya. no, no. belum terjadi apa-apa di atasnya, i assure you. ha ha.
jadi 2-3 hari aku fikir pasal soalan tersebut. kemudian aku fed up pasal kenapa mahu complicate things? i mean, can't i just like him for whatever reason yang ada? yes, i'm kind of head over heels on this guy, but i don't believe it's love yet. like he called me up mahu ajak lepak at his house and Al said i shouldn't go because, "kau nak jadi booty call dia ke?" habis, booty call aku siapa mahu jawab?
okay lah. that's not the whole point. aku tidak faham kenapa perlu ask around on my next actions pasal biasanya bila aku tanya close friends, i'll go against their suggestions (so, okay. itu problem aku). point yang sebenar-benarnya adalah, kenapalah benda-benda yang berkaitan dengan perasaan boleh jadi sangat complicated macam ini? aku jadi bosanlah kena fikir perkara-perkara yang perlu aku buat dan yang perlu dielakkan. these unwritten laws. contoh, kalau fuck buddies kau tidak boleh tunjuk cemburu sangat or apa-apalah. promiscuous and shits. banyak sangat klasifikasi.
jadi, sekarang ini, lelaki atau perempuan yang harus dipersalahkan for complicating things? the easiest way i guess is for the two individuals to straighten things out. ada risikolah di sini. tapi siapa yang mahu mulakan? dan kalau the other party seorang yang suka melarikan diri dari straightening things out, memang sengsara.
currently, lebih kurang macam aku.
mestilah it was a lie. duh!
but i do like this one guy, you know? cuma pada aku dia sesuatu yang tidak pasti. kau tidak boleh budget sangat what goes on in his mind. dan aku memang malas pun mahu tanya sana-sini pasal his past pasal aku takut kalau ada cerita yang tidak best sampai ke telinga aku. in denial, kan? so sue me. anyway, i was talking about my situations with this guy dengan seorang kawan yang sedang melalui post-break up. and then she brought up this question: do you like him or the idea of him? tidak payah fikir panjang untuk aku jawab soalan itu. since i don't know why i'm so attracted to him of course jawapannya adalah the idea of him. tidak payah cerita banyak, he got good manners, he's tanned, he dives. memang aku suka yang muka-muka melayu, macam ada sedikit unsur Jawa. dan dia ada sofa pusing di rumahnya. no, no. belum terjadi apa-apa di atasnya, i assure you. ha ha.
jadi 2-3 hari aku fikir pasal soalan tersebut. kemudian aku fed up pasal kenapa mahu complicate things? i mean, can't i just like him for whatever reason yang ada? yes, i'm kind of head over heels on this guy, but i don't believe it's love yet. like he called me up mahu ajak lepak at his house and Al said i shouldn't go because, "kau nak jadi booty call dia ke?" habis, booty call aku siapa mahu jawab?
okay lah. that's not the whole point. aku tidak faham kenapa perlu ask around on my next actions pasal biasanya bila aku tanya close friends, i'll go against their suggestions (so, okay. itu problem aku). point yang sebenar-benarnya adalah, kenapalah benda-benda yang berkaitan dengan perasaan boleh jadi sangat complicated macam ini? aku jadi bosanlah kena fikir perkara-perkara yang perlu aku buat dan yang perlu dielakkan. these unwritten laws. contoh, kalau fuck buddies kau tidak boleh tunjuk cemburu sangat or apa-apalah. promiscuous and shits. banyak sangat klasifikasi.
jadi, sekarang ini, lelaki atau perempuan yang harus dipersalahkan for complicating things? the easiest way i guess is for the two individuals to straighten things out. ada risikolah di sini. tapi siapa yang mahu mulakan? dan kalau the other party seorang yang suka melarikan diri dari straightening things out, memang sengsara.
currently, lebih kurang macam aku.
he's the one that you see sometimes on t.v.
di hujung filem itu, ada view pantai di waktu subuh. walaupun air waktu pagi adalah air pasang, tapi shot camera jauh, buat scene lebih dramatik. di langit pula ada seekor burung yang terbang, circling the same spot. juga ada silhoutte a couple holding each other. satu kombinasi yang sempurna, kan? everything. because it's a movie. movies memang perfect macam itu.
bukan macam hidup kita yang sebenar. once in a blue moon sahaja kau akan come across scenes macam ini.
ada kawan aku tag di Facebook satu questionaire yang ada kena-mengena dengan past relationships. well, this is fun.
bukan macam hidup kita yang sebenar. once in a blue moon sahaja kau akan come across scenes macam ini.
ada kawan aku tag di Facebook satu questionaire yang ada kena-mengena dengan past relationships. well, this is fun.
Rabu, Julai 29
you can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare
Mili replied to my last night's ever so depressing text:
'i think one day he'll wake up and realize that he was stupid enough for playing the game and didn't give you the chance you deserve. you're wonderful in every way and you don't need him to help you see that. you'll get what you want just the way you want it, all you need to do is believe in yourself. ;)'
aauuww...mesti kamu semua cemburu i got a sweet sister macam ini. i'm so happy today despite the rain and missing breakfast session with Ledisordre (i'm really sorry!). i mean, i can't help it, the sky's a nice shade of blue and Beyonce's videoclip for Sweet Dreams is stunning.
eh. tapi part 'wonderful in every way' hanya rekaan semata-mata (memang ayat kiss-ass pun).
'i think one day he'll wake up and realize that he was stupid enough for playing the game and didn't give you the chance you deserve. you're wonderful in every way and you don't need him to help you see that. you'll get what you want just the way you want it, all you need to do is believe in yourself. ;)'
aauuww...mesti kamu semua cemburu i got a sweet sister macam ini. i'm so happy today despite the rain and missing breakfast session with Ledisordre (i'm really sorry!). i mean, i can't help it, the sky's a nice shade of blue and Beyonce's videoclip for Sweet Dreams is stunning.
eh. tapi part 'wonderful in every way' hanya rekaan semata-mata (memang ayat kiss-ass pun).
Isnin, Julai 27
But you'd better watch your step, girl
lebih kurang dua minggu lepas, Vans muncul. malam yang aku beritahu Mili, "aku taktau kenapa, tapi aku macam ada satu rasa yang Vans's gonna be here tonight." about an hour after i told her that, he texted me up. apparently, he was in the area that night and saw my sister at another place nearby. instincts, they're freaky. especially yang kau rasa macam ada connection kuat dengan kau. anyway, so i told myself that the feeling's not there anymore. he's just gonna text me up and then will be gone the next day. he said he texted me up pasal dia rasa guilty for not keeping in touch for the past few months. the time when i realized i was too naive for my age. aku rasa kita memang perlu ada classes yang mengajar perkara-perkara sosial sebegini. untuk orang-orang macam aku yang sebenarnya tahu that the thing's wrong tapi saja mahu try test.
jadi Sabtu malam aku main lagi sofa pusingnya. it's addictive, i tell you. the best sofa, so far. we talked and teased like nothing went wrong before. dan waktu dia cerita tentang his dream job, aku hanya perhatikan riak mukanya dalam gelap. bila sampai part yang dia mahu ke States to further his studies, ada satu macam force kecil dalam hati aku yang meronta. why does everyone that i like have to leave the country? i should be the one leaving the country with all these personal commotions. how unfair. tapi belum pasti lagi if he's gonna leave or not. but i was very fascinated by his big dreams. ada satu part macam aku mahu look up to him like an elder brother. ada satu part he's just so hot.
ya. i'm falling for him all over again bilamasa aku tahu he's something like fire. his friend's words kept repeating in my head, "he breaks girls' hearts la."
aku benci angau. can't wait for it to be gone!
jadi Sabtu malam aku main lagi sofa pusingnya. it's addictive, i tell you. the best sofa, so far. we talked and teased like nothing went wrong before. dan waktu dia cerita tentang his dream job, aku hanya perhatikan riak mukanya dalam gelap. bila sampai part yang dia mahu ke States to further his studies, ada satu macam force kecil dalam hati aku yang meronta. why does everyone that i like have to leave the country? i should be the one leaving the country with all these personal commotions. how unfair. tapi belum pasti lagi if he's gonna leave or not. but i was very fascinated by his big dreams. ada satu part macam aku mahu look up to him like an elder brother. ada satu part he's just so hot.
ya. i'm falling for him all over again bilamasa aku tahu he's something like fire. his friend's words kept repeating in my head, "he breaks girls' hearts la."
aku benci angau. can't wait for it to be gone!
white light will bathe your pillow
last weekend, ada dua deaths. Yasmin Ahmad dan ayah Anne. ucapan takziah kepada mereka yang berkenaan. may their souls rest in peace. Anne nampak tenang. on the way back to her house selepas pengkebumian, she said something about malam Isra' dan Mi'raj akan ada 50 orang yang meninggal dan orang-orang itu adalah antara yang baik-baik (please correct me here if i'm wrong). jadi aku rasa Anne redha dengan pemergian ayahnya. he passed away on Sunday morning, masa yang senang untuk diuruskan.
perkara-perkara macam ini akan buat aku fikir apa yang akan jadi when it happens to me nanti. will i take it easily atau aku akan terlalu murung kerana kehilangan? aku tidak begitu pasti pasal aku mengaku iman aku tidak sekuat Anne's. tapi aku mahu jadi orang yang mandikan Emak bila dia pergi nanti. kalau tidak aku akan rasa bersalah seumur hidup. dan regret dalam hal ini bukan perkara yang remeh.
perkara-perkara macam ini akan buat aku fikir apa yang akan jadi when it happens to me nanti. will i take it easily atau aku akan terlalu murung kerana kehilangan? aku tidak begitu pasti pasal aku mengaku iman aku tidak sekuat Anne's. tapi aku mahu jadi orang yang mandikan Emak bila dia pergi nanti. kalau tidak aku akan rasa bersalah seumur hidup. dan regret dalam hal ini bukan perkara yang remeh.
Isnin, Julai 20
if you don't mind, it doesn't matter
pergi Seremban, aku dapat tiga pasang kasut pre-loved. hi-cut boots, Oxford heels, Oxford men. black, black, black. baru saja beberapa minggu lepas ada orang tanya aku suka beli apa dan aku jawab aku ikut mood, it's been a while too since i've bought shoes. 3 pasang kasut dari bundle dan satu sandal dari Carrefour = balas dendam. tapi kau jangan risau, aku cheapskate jadi berapa sangatlah yang aku spent over the weekend. petang Ahad i found out about the fashion market di tengah busy area tapi nasib baik aku seorang pemalas jadi aku pergi ke rumah Abah. harapan untuk ambil basikal BMX along rupanya sudah dihantar ke kampung. jadi sambil chomp, chomp ayam Mexico, Mili menjahit mata lalat disebelah with Abah constantly hisap paipnya, kami berborak tentang world history. i've always been fascinated by history. di sekolah aku macam 50-50 lah suka sejarah tapi waktu kolej, walaupun repeat kelas art history, in the end aku sangat suka. paling suka kalau ada soalan suruh define the paintings. i was able to remember the year of the paintings were made tapi sekarang jangan cuba-cuba tanya aku. google kan ada.
kemudian dari world history masuk topik tentang orang Inggeris dan culture mereka. the Americans dengan denims dan T-shirts-nya. and then Abah cerita pasal his nurse yang berkahwin dengan matsalleh dari U.K. yang rupanya macam sangat tua, tapi umurnya tidaklah sangat. dia kata it's normal anyway for them to look so mature (boleh refer pada Britnay Spears di tempat kerja aku, she's only 22 and yet umur dia nampak macam jauh sangat dari aku). "i think it's your mindset lah, that makes you look youthful or otherwise." and Abah agreed. Mili memang panas lah pasal selalunya people will either think we're twins or she's the elder sister.
jadi pagi tadi aku decide, kalau ada orang tanya umur aku berapa, i'll just say, "guess. whatever number that comes up in your head, will be my current age."
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. - Mark Twain
kemudian dari world history masuk topik tentang orang Inggeris dan culture mereka. the Americans dengan denims dan T-shirts-nya. and then Abah cerita pasal his nurse yang berkahwin dengan matsalleh dari U.K. yang rupanya macam sangat tua, tapi umurnya tidaklah sangat. dia kata it's normal anyway for them to look so mature (boleh refer pada Britnay Spears di tempat kerja aku, she's only 22 and yet umur dia nampak macam jauh sangat dari aku). "i think it's your mindset lah, that makes you look youthful or otherwise." and Abah agreed. Mili memang panas lah pasal selalunya people will either think we're twins or she's the elder sister.
jadi pagi tadi aku decide, kalau ada orang tanya umur aku berapa, i'll just say, "guess. whatever number that comes up in your head, will be my current age."
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. - Mark Twain
Jumaat, Julai 17
loneliness is the human condition, no one else can fill that space
"don't cry. we're not like that. we're the Vikings, remember?"
- White Oleander.
- White Oleander.
Rabu, Julai 15
siri trackback: 08 - hubungan anti-clockwise
'kita cakap hai.
kita gelak berdekah-dekah.
baru pegang tangan.
baru kucup sayang.
but not the other way round.
no. aku berdegil untuk tidak mempunyai hubungan sekadar teman sahaja.
it’s either we’re sleeping together, or nothing at all.'
04/06/07 taken from the original wishful thinkings. wasted thoughts.
siri trackback: 07 - same feelings
'Duduk bergoyang kaki
menarik nafas yang dalam
jejari tangan bermain butiran
pasir di atas bangku simen
mengeluh panjang
i’m thinking again
of the quote
opposites attracts
Lama, kan?
aku, kamu bersabar
kerenah yang agak meluat
maybe we believe
in something invisibl-y strong
mungkin kamu lebih percaya
bersungguh-sungguh menahan
Aku suka
bila tanganku dalam tangan kamu
bila kamu memetik butang
menangkap aksi spontan
bila kamu cuba buat aku suka
kejutan yang tidak menjadi
manis bagai rasa sampoerna di bibir
Tapi adakala terasa melecur
mengadu kesakitan
menangis teresak mahukan pujukan
kepulangan karma memberi keputusan
1 - sama
ignorance is bliss
i was bliss
and ego have got to be my middle name
Kamu bertandang lagi
mengusap lembut
bisikkan kata-kata manis
sayang di dahi bagi aku
sangat tersirat
kamu usaha
buat aku percaya
i did miss you
you weren’t sure
//
With your hands around me
insecurity no longer exists
baby, hold me tight
like those promises you once said
no, i didn’t forget
it was you who did
still it’s not promises that i wanted
just the normal things you said
nothing specially bizarre
maybe normal is okay
not typical, just normal'
15/06/06 taken from the original wishful thinkings. wasted thoughts.
menarik nafas yang dalam
jejari tangan bermain butiran
pasir di atas bangku simen
mengeluh panjang
i’m thinking again
of the quote
opposites attracts
Lama, kan?
aku, kamu bersabar
kerenah yang agak meluat
maybe we believe
in something invisibl-y strong
mungkin kamu lebih percaya
bersungguh-sungguh menahan
Aku suka
bila tanganku dalam tangan kamu
bila kamu memetik butang
menangkap aksi spontan
bila kamu cuba buat aku suka
kejutan yang tidak menjadi
manis bagai rasa sampoerna di bibir
Tapi adakala terasa melecur
mengadu kesakitan
menangis teresak mahukan pujukan
kepulangan karma memberi keputusan
1 - sama
ignorance is bliss
i was bliss
and ego have got to be my middle name
Kamu bertandang lagi
mengusap lembut
bisikkan kata-kata manis
sayang di dahi bagi aku
sangat tersirat
kamu usaha
buat aku percaya
i did miss you
you weren’t sure
//
With your hands around me
insecurity no longer exists
baby, hold me tight
like those promises you once said
no, i didn’t forget
it was you who did
still it’s not promises that i wanted
just the normal things you said
nothing specially bizarre
maybe normal is okay
not typical, just normal'
15/06/06 taken from the original wishful thinkings. wasted thoughts.
siri trackback: 06 - sweet nothing
Date: 24th June ‘06
Time: 11.05 am
Venue: Somewhere spacious
"Still lying.staring at the ceiling.the rotating fan.turned my head right.sleeping soundly.quietly.closed my eyes again.a flash of last night’s dream.another repeat."
Date: 24th June ‘06
Time: 1 pm
Venue: Somewhere spacious
"Need to wake up.to something.but not too sure to what.headed to the living room.turn on the TV.flashbacks of 13 years ago.leaned on his chest.cuddled in his arms.feeling good."
Date: 24th June ‘06
Time: 3.25 pm
Venue: Somewhere spacious
"Getting ready to go out.to meet him.accompany him.maybe eat.ice cream would kill this mysterious cravings."
Date: 24th June ‘06
Time: 7.15 pm
Venue: Somewhere spacious
"Aahh! Pepperoni! Seafood! nyamnyam.chewing teasingly with him.enjoying every bite.each minute.This is dinner,baby.u said u wanna go for a diet,remember?"
Date: 24th June ‘06
Time: 11.55 pm
Venue: Somewhere spacious
"Baby,i love just hanging around with u.doing absolutely nothing.talking nonsense.taking candids.i’d like to do this every weekend.please."
26/06/06 taken from the original wishful thinkings. wasted thoughts.
siri trackback: 05 - someone you should know about
'This is a blog about someone. Someone who is such a believer himself, dat sometimes believes something beyond expectations. Though sometimes it makes people mad, especially myself, you can’t help looking up to him. I know how people around have started to get annoyed. And you think it’s easy for me? Now i understand wat my friends felt in their past relationship. But still i can’t understand those who still stay despite the domestic abuse. I know. It seems that all my blogs are about this 1 person. Well, this is my blog and i’ll do watever i want with it. haha! yes.please be annoyed with me too.
Well anyway, this someone, that i was telling u about turns out to be a really important person. I wasn’t as dependent now as i was before i met him. Though there were some unlogical stuff happening around this particular duration of ________ship, i dun think i can lose this someone. it’ll be a big lost if i’m not capable of wrapping him around my fingers. Though i’m not really into diamonds, but i think he is 1 to me. Yeah. it sucks when ppl hate the things that u really love. but i guess it make u think. it made me think of the sweetest things he’s done for me.
//this someone is someone you hate. but this someone is my precious thing.'
12/08/06 taken from the original wishful thinkings. wasted thoughts.
Well anyway, this someone, that i was telling u about turns out to be a really important person. I wasn’t as dependent now as i was before i met him. Though there were some unlogical stuff happening around this particular duration of ________ship, i dun think i can lose this someone. it’ll be a big lost if i’m not capable of wrapping him around my fingers. Though i’m not really into diamonds, but i think he is 1 to me. Yeah. it sucks when ppl hate the things that u really love. but i guess it make u think. it made me think of the sweetest things he’s done for me.
//this someone is someone you hate. but this someone is my precious thing.'
12/08/06 taken from the original wishful thinkings. wasted thoughts.
siri trackback: 04 - permintaan
'permintaan kali ini
sangat minor
aku hanya ingin satu
peluang mendalami
menyelami kisah hidup kamu
kerana aku mahu menganalisis
untuk dijadikan pedoman
mungkin teladan
usah kamu kedekut
usah risau akan kehilangan
aku tidak akan cuba merampas
hanya mahu secubit
akan pengalaman kamu
kamu tertanya-tanya mengapa?
*shrugs
aku sendiri tidak ada
cara untuk mengekspresikan
kamu bagaikan satu arca
arca yang punya pelbagai makna
dan aku si pemerhati
yang kagum mengkritik
satu seni yang halus
yang satu dalam seribu
tapi jangan kamu terlalu riak
mungkin esok hari
akan ada yang kedua
yang akan buatmu tenggelam
terus dilupakan
buat masa ini
kamu masih yang satu
dalam seribu'
18/08/06 taken from the original wishful thinkings. wasted thoughts.
siri trackback: 03 - come back to bed.
'it was late night. dua tahun yg lepas. when we were 20.
it was a mistake for us to choose 14 february 2004 as the special date.
tarikh yg akan mengingatkan segala suka-duka yg pernah kita alami.
tarikh keramat dimana pd setiap tahun akan disambut dengan warna merah jambu.
kamu kata aku yg bersalah. sedih mengetahui itu.
kamu kata kamu penat. menunggu aku yg seakan-akan tidak berubah.
kamu silap. kamu juga ada salahnya.
kamu tidak memberi ruang untuk aku menerima.
kamu bertubi-tubi memberi.
aku tak cukup tangan. harus aku katakan, kamu gelojoh.
habis membazir.
aku sentiasa memberi kamu peluang. pertama,kedua,ketiga…
sampai saat ini.
kamu?
aku langsung tidak diberi peluang.
i said i’m slowly moving on.
hanya jasad. rohani aku masih disini.
menunggu kamu pulang.
come back to bed.
please.
setiap kali aku terjaga dari tidur, sebak datang menghinggap.
kamu aku nampak.
sudah puas aku menangis.
tapi aku masih mampu menangis lagi.
dan lagi. kerana kamu.
kamu yg terlalu ego untuk mengakui kesalahan sendiri.
betapa kasar aku, tetap masih merindui kamu.
pelik. sedang aku tahu kamu seorang pendera.
sakit.
tapi masih aku menunggu kepulangan kamu.
come back to bed. please.'
10/10/06 taken from the original wishful thinkings. wasted thoughts.
it was a mistake for us to choose 14 february 2004 as the special date.
tarikh yg akan mengingatkan segala suka-duka yg pernah kita alami.
tarikh keramat dimana pd setiap tahun akan disambut dengan warna merah jambu.
kamu kata aku yg bersalah. sedih mengetahui itu.
kamu kata kamu penat. menunggu aku yg seakan-akan tidak berubah.
kamu silap. kamu juga ada salahnya.
kamu tidak memberi ruang untuk aku menerima.
kamu bertubi-tubi memberi.
aku tak cukup tangan. harus aku katakan, kamu gelojoh.
habis membazir.
aku sentiasa memberi kamu peluang. pertama,kedua,ketiga…
sampai saat ini.
kamu?
aku langsung tidak diberi peluang.
i said i’m slowly moving on.
hanya jasad. rohani aku masih disini.
menunggu kamu pulang.
come back to bed.
please.
setiap kali aku terjaga dari tidur, sebak datang menghinggap.
kamu aku nampak.
sudah puas aku menangis.
tapi aku masih mampu menangis lagi.
dan lagi. kerana kamu.
kamu yg terlalu ego untuk mengakui kesalahan sendiri.
betapa kasar aku, tetap masih merindui kamu.
pelik. sedang aku tahu kamu seorang pendera.
sakit.
tapi masih aku menunggu kepulangan kamu.
come back to bed. please.'
10/10/06 taken from the original wishful thinkings. wasted thoughts.
siri trackback: 02 - wishing you well enough.
'isnin lepas, aku menyaksikan mak berlepas pergi menunaikan haji. seorang. tanpa ditemani sesiapa. sayu. risau aku. tapi mak tahu. kami di sini akan sentiasa mendoakan keselamatannya di Tanah Suci.
at times,i thought to myself: whatever is lingering inside this single mother’s mind. always i ponder about her loneliness. whether i can cope with whatever her situation is right now. sometimes when she sleeps & i looked at her, i can’t help thinking of the things she’s dreaming about.
many times have i tried to be a good daughter. the kind that i, myself would want someday in the future. but it’s hard having my own mind. at this age.
she’ll be there for 45 days.
for the first time, i’m typing down the story of my family. how i had always denied that ours, is a broken one.to me,a broken family is like, everyone in the family’s really whacked: each having their own way of life. yes. i have to admit it that i came from a broken family.but not as broken as u think. we survived living our lives through the right lane. we don’t use our family problems as a lame excuse for some dumb actions.whatever happens today,is what we thought about yesterday.
Tuhan bagi akal untuk digunakan sebaik-baiknya.
tapi manusia bernafsu. dan kadang-kadang, nafsu mengatasi pemikiran yang waras.langsung kesan dilupakan. kesan yang kemudiannya membuatkan diri sendiri kesal.
i dunno if my parents regretted of what had happened to them. neither one of us had ever popped the question. afraid of what will be said. come to think about it, to solve this mystery that has been going on for years, this cold war is just simple: talk.
as i grow up, i can see both of my parents in me.mana nak tumpah lauk kalau tak ke nasi. i keep things to myself. not sure whether it’s because afraid of what the other party have to say or maybe i just don’t want to make a big deal out of it. i stop myself from being too overwhelmed by attentions. i only say things when it’s necessary. well, not all the time.
i’m afraid that i’ll grow old alone.
to my parents, i wish them enough.enough of everything they ever need.
maybe for the courage to face things.
being a daughter,i have never stop loving them.'
29/11/06 taken from the original wishful thinkings. wasted thoughts.
at times,i thought to myself: whatever is lingering inside this single mother’s mind. always i ponder about her loneliness. whether i can cope with whatever her situation is right now. sometimes when she sleeps & i looked at her, i can’t help thinking of the things she’s dreaming about.
many times have i tried to be a good daughter. the kind that i, myself would want someday in the future. but it’s hard having my own mind. at this age.
she’ll be there for 45 days.
for the first time, i’m typing down the story of my family. how i had always denied that ours, is a broken one.to me,a broken family is like, everyone in the family’s really whacked: each having their own way of life. yes. i have to admit it that i came from a broken family.but not as broken as u think. we survived living our lives through the right lane. we don’t use our family problems as a lame excuse for some dumb actions.whatever happens today,is what we thought about yesterday.
Tuhan bagi akal untuk digunakan sebaik-baiknya.
tapi manusia bernafsu. dan kadang-kadang, nafsu mengatasi pemikiran yang waras.langsung kesan dilupakan. kesan yang kemudiannya membuatkan diri sendiri kesal.
i dunno if my parents regretted of what had happened to them. neither one of us had ever popped the question. afraid of what will be said. come to think about it, to solve this mystery that has been going on for years, this cold war is just simple: talk.
as i grow up, i can see both of my parents in me.mana nak tumpah lauk kalau tak ke nasi. i keep things to myself. not sure whether it’s because afraid of what the other party have to say or maybe i just don’t want to make a big deal out of it. i stop myself from being too overwhelmed by attentions. i only say things when it’s necessary. well, not all the time.
i’m afraid that i’ll grow old alone.
to my parents, i wish them enough.enough of everything they ever need.
maybe for the courage to face things.
being a daughter,i have never stop loving them.'
29/11/06 taken from the original wishful thinkings. wasted thoughts.
siri trackback: 01 - menanti disimbah sebesen air untuk kepentingan diri sendiri.
aku mahu delete salah satu akaun social site. jadi, aku akan post some previous entries di sini. excuse the spelling, please. owh. and the grammar too.
"The story of life is quicker than the blink of an eye, the story of love is hello, goodbye." - Hendrix
'kebelakangan, aku selalu runsing. kadang-kadang lupe, sama ada remeh ataupon tidak. berfikir bende-bende yang tak berfaedah. tentang hati, tentang teman, tentang tanggungjawab, tentang actions yang perlu dilakukan supaya dapat diterima masyarakat. sesungguhnye, confidence level aku bukan lah tinggi menara gading. mahupon bangunan maybank di bulatan kotaraya. rendah serendah-rendah barisan kedai lapok dekat central market tu.
"The story of life is quicker than the blink of an eye, the story of love is hello, goodbye." - Hendrix
'kebelakangan, aku selalu runsing. kadang-kadang lupe, sama ada remeh ataupon tidak. berfikir bende-bende yang tak berfaedah. tentang hati, tentang teman, tentang tanggungjawab, tentang actions yang perlu dilakukan supaya dapat diterima masyarakat. sesungguhnye, confidence level aku bukan lah tinggi menara gading. mahupon bangunan maybank di bulatan kotaraya. rendah serendah-rendah barisan kedai lapok dekat central market tu.
konfius. kaget. hilang.
yang lepas tidak harus lagi menghantui, bukan? harus dilenyapkan saje dari medulla oblangata ni. aku rimas dgn pemikiran yang tercemar buat aku kadang-kadang terjaga lewat malam /awal pagi buat aku tak keruan. aku dah lupe caranya utk menjadi seorang kekasih. yang paling bahaya, aku sudah lupe care utk menjadi seorang sahabat yg akan disayangi sehingga bile-bile mase pon. aku bukan lagi mempunyai bahu favourite utk teman-teman yg mencari. dan dalam senyap, aku memohon maaf. sesungguhnya, aku sendiri kehilangan bahu favourite aku.
kesilapan mengajar kita utk lebih berhati-hati di masa depan. kamu tidak harus menyalahkan aku sebulat-bulat bola ping pong yg ditepis-tepis. that’s life, right? we learn from our mistakes. aku terlalu banyak kesalahan. dan dalam diam juga, aku percaya akan karma. aku telah menerima balasan. malah, aku di sepak teruk di kepala. membuatkan rohaniku agak songsang buat mase ni. paranoid. that’s the best word to describe myself.
maaf. kejadian yg lepas buat aku lebih membenci. pemikiranku terlalu shallow. kadang-kadang bile tersedar, aku tanye akan diriku sendiri, what happened to u? kelmarin, kerap ungkapan ‘happy go lucky’ diucapkan kepadaku. dan aku bulat-bulat menelan pujian enak itu.
hari ini, mereka lebih berhati-hati dgn perkataan, takut aku terlalu sensitif lalu terguris.
aku perlukan ruby slippers dorothy. i need to go back to yesterday when i was still sane.'
23/05/07 from the original wishful thinkings. wasted thoughts.
Isnin, Julai 13
i hate this part right here
musim delete/private blog sudah sampai ke?
mesti takut stalker macam aku ikut blog mereka...heh heh heh...
mesti takut stalker macam aku ikut blog mereka...heh heh heh...
Jumaat, Julai 10
ordinary people
ini adalah path yang aku telah pilih. kalau aku masih berada di path yang sebelumnya, aku dapat rasa yang aku akan still stay a hater. well, not that i've stopped being a hater, tapi at least hati aku sudah kurang satu gundah. sekarang slightly more carefree than before.
elle texted me a few weeks ago, her first week at work:
apa yang buat hidup kita bererti? career? to survive your job? relationship? having the time of your life? routine?
i couldn't really answer her question because it is obviously a subjective one. kau tidak boleh ikut erti hidup orang lain pasal kau tidak hidup cara dia. kau hidup cara kau, senang dengan cara kau sendiri. well, aku fikir, manusia memang tidak akan pernah puas dengan apa yang mereka ada. diberi betis, mahu peha. kita berlumba-lumba to get more. dan bila kau mula mahu settle down, kawan-kawan kau cakap, "seriously, you deserve better", how sure are they? what if apa yang kau ada sekarang adalah apa yang kau deserve? okay, so my job's not the coolest thing but i still can afford a car, a nice place to stay, parties, good food, this and that.
jadi macam mana mahu tahu kau punya taraf 'better'?
elle texted me a few weeks ago, her first week at work:
apa yang buat hidup kita bererti? career? to survive your job? relationship? having the time of your life? routine?
i couldn't really answer her question because it is obviously a subjective one. kau tidak boleh ikut erti hidup orang lain pasal kau tidak hidup cara dia. kau hidup cara kau, senang dengan cara kau sendiri. well, aku fikir, manusia memang tidak akan pernah puas dengan apa yang mereka ada. diberi betis, mahu peha. kita berlumba-lumba to get more. dan bila kau mula mahu settle down, kawan-kawan kau cakap, "seriously, you deserve better", how sure are they? what if apa yang kau ada sekarang adalah apa yang kau deserve? okay, so my job's not the coolest thing but i still can afford a car, a nice place to stay, parties, good food, this and that.
jadi macam mana mahu tahu kau punya taraf 'better'?
Isnin, Julai 6
the way she dances
can you actually like a person, like, really, really like a person (the type where you feel everything that person's feeling or you're happy when that person's happy too) by religiously reading their blogs? memang ada beberapa favourite bloggers yang aku macam virtually sayangi entah apa pasal, aku pun tidak pasti. kau ada rasa macam itu?
pernah satu kali aku terjumpa dengan blogger amoi and you know what i did? iyalah, seperti biasa, perkara yang memalukan (but i think it was a fortunate thing that she was kind of tipsy jadi i hope, hope, hope dia lupa that the thing actually happened). when she came to wait for the toilet, aku pun tidak pasti kenapa aku semacam bersemangat menegur, like really, really bersemangat, like practically shouting at her, "i'm your faaannn!!!" with this big goofy smile pasted on my face. i still remember the look on her face and Mili's too. the what-the-hell??? and omg-kakak-are you-crazy??? expression.
sometimes, i just love the idea of doing suicidal acts like that. konon macam free-spirited. yeah, my ass.
the other day i saw that kinky blue fairy and i nearly waved a big 'hi' at her because i really like reading her blog and i think she's a fun-sesukahati little creature. tapi aku terhenti pasal owh, sebenarnya aku hanya kenal dia through her blog posts. pathetic.
so, is that normal? to like someone so much just by reading their blogs?
oh my god. it's not normal, right? i just made myself sound like a total freaky stalker.
pernah satu kali aku terjumpa dengan blogger amoi and you know what i did? iyalah, seperti biasa, perkara yang memalukan (but i think it was a fortunate thing that she was kind of tipsy jadi i hope, hope, hope dia lupa that the thing actually happened). when she came to wait for the toilet, aku pun tidak pasti kenapa aku semacam bersemangat menegur, like really, really bersemangat, like practically shouting at her, "i'm your faaannn!!!" with this big goofy smile pasted on my face. i still remember the look on her face and Mili's too. the what-the-hell??? and omg-kakak-are you-crazy??? expression.
sometimes, i just love the idea of doing suicidal acts like that. konon macam free-spirited. yeah, my ass.
the other day i saw that kinky blue fairy and i nearly waved a big 'hi' at her because i really like reading her blog and i think she's a fun-sesukahati little creature. tapi aku terhenti pasal owh, sebenarnya aku hanya kenal dia through her blog posts. pathetic.
so, is that normal? to like someone so much just by reading their blogs?
oh my god. it's not normal, right? i just made myself sound like a total freaky stalker.
there are things you should know
so, are you totally in love with him
or you just love being around his friends?
or you just love being around his friends?
are you really sure that you believe me when others say I lie
aku pernah post an entry somewhere on the internet lama dulu, masa first time aku heartbroken. belum big B.U. lagi pasal waktu itu aku masih percaya dengan hope. boleh tahan kuatlah aku serahkan pada hope dan faith.
it was about this 'what if' situation. what if, the person yang kau anggap memang jodoh kau, whether kilat menyabung ke, kemarau padang jarak padang terkukur ke, konon kau lah tulang rusuknya yang missing itu, tapi at the same time, di suatu tempat yang lain ada orang yang berpendapat sama dengan kau ke atas that person yang kau anggap jodoh kau itu. get it? kiranya jodoh kau itu ada dua orang yang sudah book. jadi kita serah pada fate atau kau mahu lawan sedaya-upaya to win the game (walaupun kau lihat so-called jodoh kau lebih kepada the other side)?
kalau aku, self-esteem aku macam lebih low dari low. yeah, you've guessed that right. i'll prolly let the other party menang tanpa bertanding. sumpah aku tidak tahu macam mana mahu fight.
it was about this 'what if' situation. what if, the person yang kau anggap memang jodoh kau, whether kilat menyabung ke, kemarau padang jarak padang terkukur ke, konon kau lah tulang rusuknya yang missing itu, tapi at the same time, di suatu tempat yang lain ada orang yang berpendapat sama dengan kau ke atas that person yang kau anggap jodoh kau itu. get it? kiranya jodoh kau itu ada dua orang yang sudah book. jadi kita serah pada fate atau kau mahu lawan sedaya-upaya to win the game (walaupun kau lihat so-called jodoh kau lebih kepada the other side)?
kalau aku, self-esteem aku macam lebih low dari low. yeah, you've guessed that right. i'll prolly let the other party menang tanpa bertanding. sumpah aku tidak tahu macam mana mahu fight.
Khamis, Julai 2
i hear your name and i'm falling over
kau tahu, hobi aku currently adalah people watching dan unfortunately aku sudah jumpa that one person yang aku suka tengok. unfortunately pasal he's somebody's boyfriend. but there's no harm in just watching, right?
if ever the girlfriend finds out, would she take it as a compliment? like, wouldn't she be proud that people are checking out her boyfriend? last Saturday, i wanted to smile to her but she seemed too intelligent to be smiling at me. jadi dengan perasaan guilty suka tengok boyfriend-nya, aku kecutkan diri dan slipped away.
if ever the girlfriend finds out, would she take it as a compliment? like, wouldn't she be proud that people are checking out her boyfriend? last Saturday, i wanted to smile to her but she seemed too intelligent to be smiling at me. jadi dengan perasaan guilty suka tengok boyfriend-nya, aku kecutkan diri dan slipped away.
i did it all for the nookie
lewat malam Ahad, dari topik biasa-biasa, Elle, Yaya dan aku berborak ke topik yang jadi lebih serious. over the weekend, Yaya found out sifat aku ada sedikit-sebanyak sama dengan sifatnya. aku tengok Yaya macam baru jumpa kawan baru. i've always been amazed by her irresistable personality, a certain kind of charisma. aku suka dengan mereka yang banyak baca buku and then share it with you. topik yang dibincangkan malam itu adalah tentang orang-orang famous di kota durjana. not the celebrities but those yang ada character tersendiri, punya charisma yang buat head turns. macam that girl photographer yang menggunakan sumber teknologi sehabis-habisnya or that amoi yang aku rasa dalam kepalanya sentiasa ada neon wools weaving into something extraordinary. aku cemburu dengan mereka yang sentiasa ada neon wools weaving in their heads. did they take a whole bunch of raisins or caviar growing up instead of masak lemak cili api?
and then Yaya cakap all you have to do is be yourself. buat apa yang kau suka dan kau akan jadi original, bukan yang ciplak. and then i got thinking (instead of weaving) pasal apa yang Yaya cakap buat aku rasa pedas. aku rasa selama ini aku buat sesuatu perkara pasal aku mahu impress seseorang konon yang 'hey, aku boleh survive lah' walhal memang sangat ketara those things i did sebenarnya bukan diri aku sendiri. aku biarkan yang semalam take over hari ini. tidak beri peluang langsung untuk hari ini bloom into something new pasal disekat oleh aku sendiri. aku pun tidak pasti apa yang aku cuba prove.
i'm not attached so why do i subconciously let some unimportant beings control me?
and then Yaya cakap all you have to do is be yourself. buat apa yang kau suka dan kau akan jadi original, bukan yang ciplak. and then i got thinking (instead of weaving) pasal apa yang Yaya cakap buat aku rasa pedas. aku rasa selama ini aku buat sesuatu perkara pasal aku mahu impress seseorang konon yang 'hey, aku boleh survive lah' walhal memang sangat ketara those things i did sebenarnya bukan diri aku sendiri. aku biarkan yang semalam take over hari ini. tidak beri peluang langsung untuk hari ini bloom into something new pasal disekat oleh aku sendiri. aku pun tidak pasti apa yang aku cuba prove.
i'm not attached so why do i subconciously let some unimportant beings control me?
cough coughing
jadi kau dapat tahu yang those people have been bitching about you. jadi selama ini betullah prasangka kau. jadi, sekarang kau mahu buat apa? you wanna cry? perkara celah gigi saja, people bitch about you pasal everybody bitch about everybody else. yang paling penting sekarang adalah mereka yang kenal kau luar-dalam pasal, to hell-lah pada mereka yang cuma tahu bad-side kau (sama ada cerita itu sahih atau tidak).
jadi bila kau dapat tahu ada orang cerita belakang kau, perkara yang kau perlu buat adalah reminisce waktu kau bitch pasal orang lain. makes you equal, kan?
jadi bila kau dapat tahu ada orang cerita belakang kau, perkara yang kau perlu buat adalah reminisce waktu kau bitch pasal orang lain. makes you equal, kan?
Jumaat, Jun 26
considering life
last night aku tidur di ruang tamu rumah baru. celik saja dari tidur, aku on televisyen, channel [V], ke hulu-hilir doing my moves to Depeche Mode, Royksopp dan Pussy Cat Dolls. lalang di depan rumah ada segelintir bunga-bunga violet dan aku teriak, "macam spring sangat." aku happy barang-barang penting sudah dipindahkan tinggal lagi yang sampah-sarap saja di apartment lama. this new house forbid guy friends unless ada majlis keramaian. bila free nanti, aku mahu cari tikar getah dan pasang jaring halus di tingkap.
malam nanti aku busy mahu sort out stuff untuk dijual di majlis keramaian ultra-besar esok. lebih kurang 60% barang yang aku pindahkan adalah clothes. dan hanya 5% dari yang dipindahkan aku tolak tepi mahu jual. i couldn't let go of the clothes. alasan dalam kepala, "nanti ada event sesuai boleh pakai" or "yang ni simpan untuk pass down macam mak buat". typical. walaupun e-mail dari organizer cakap market tutup pukul 10pm, aku mahu pack-up awal so that i can go berdisko to live music. banyak band yang aku mahu tonton dan nod my head to. i have to go no matter what. by the way, kalau kau tahu aku yang mana satu, come up and tegur. maybe it's okay to know who's reading my blog yang macam entah apa-apa ini.
bila aku dapat tahu ada orang yang link-kan blog ini dari blog mereka, aku penuh tanda tanya. my stories macam sama like their's ke? or they link me up pasal 'oh-my-god! pathetic-nya blog ni!' so they can laugh about it. apa saja lah. kadang-kadang kalau aku berada di khalayak ramai, aku selalu fikir mana antara mereka yang tahu tentang blog ini and then whisper among themselves, "ni la blogger yang sedih tu." sedih as in pathetic. whatever. just come and say 'hi' and if you like what i'm wearing, say it too pasal i think it's absurd to be talking about the weather nowadays. my self-confidence is at the most pathetic level ever i need some compliments.
kau tahu, entri-entri Sarah selalu buat aku teringat tentang my sad, heart-breaking past. yeah, i'm still mourning about it. it's just so weird to see that girl's name on the commercialized blog, i just have to delete the link. but i love his friends i can't delete them from my life. aku rasa it'll take me exactly the same amount of years together with him to get over it entirely. atau aku perlu apply konsep The Secret di sini?
anyway, i'm working on Elle's band's CD sleeve. rasa macam berguna sangat. after that i have to work on a friend's deck. dan aku harap aku dapat score that Singaporean clothing store's deal.
Mili cakap aku bawa rezeki pasal everytime aku masuk kedai kosong, a few minutes after that mesti kedai penuh. aku cakap pada Lavid, aku bawa rezeki pada orang but not to myself dan dia tepis dengan keras. aku cepat-cepat cari kayu mahu ketuk. rezeki aku selalunya datang secara tidak disedari. aku bersyukur.
setiap pagi, kita perlu bersyukur dengan apa yang kita ada. tapi itu bukan alasan untuk stay average.
malam nanti aku busy mahu sort out stuff untuk dijual di majlis keramaian ultra-besar esok. lebih kurang 60% barang yang aku pindahkan adalah clothes. dan hanya 5% dari yang dipindahkan aku tolak tepi mahu jual. i couldn't let go of the clothes. alasan dalam kepala, "nanti ada event sesuai boleh pakai" or "yang ni simpan untuk pass down macam mak buat". typical. walaupun e-mail dari organizer cakap market tutup pukul 10pm, aku mahu pack-up awal so that i can go berdisko to live music. banyak band yang aku mahu tonton dan nod my head to. i have to go no matter what. by the way, kalau kau tahu aku yang mana satu, come up and tegur. maybe it's okay to know who's reading my blog yang macam entah apa-apa ini.
bila aku dapat tahu ada orang yang link-kan blog ini dari blog mereka, aku penuh tanda tanya. my stories macam sama like their's ke? or they link me up pasal 'oh-my-god! pathetic-nya blog ni!' so they can laugh about it. apa saja lah. kadang-kadang kalau aku berada di khalayak ramai, aku selalu fikir mana antara mereka yang tahu tentang blog ini and then whisper among themselves, "ni la blogger yang sedih tu." sedih as in pathetic. whatever. just come and say 'hi' and if you like what i'm wearing, say it too pasal i think it's absurd to be talking about the weather nowadays. my self-confidence is at the most pathetic level ever i need some compliments.
kau tahu, entri-entri Sarah selalu buat aku teringat tentang my sad, heart-breaking past. yeah, i'm still mourning about it. it's just so weird to see that girl's name on the commercialized blog, i just have to delete the link. but i love his friends i can't delete them from my life. aku rasa it'll take me exactly the same amount of years together with him to get over it entirely. atau aku perlu apply konsep The Secret di sini?
anyway, i'm working on Elle's band's CD sleeve. rasa macam berguna sangat. after that i have to work on a friend's deck. dan aku harap aku dapat score that Singaporean clothing store's deal.
Mili cakap aku bawa rezeki pasal everytime aku masuk kedai kosong, a few minutes after that mesti kedai penuh. aku cakap pada Lavid, aku bawa rezeki pada orang but not to myself dan dia tepis dengan keras. aku cepat-cepat cari kayu mahu ketuk. rezeki aku selalunya datang secara tidak disedari. aku bersyukur.
setiap pagi, kita perlu bersyukur dengan apa yang kita ada. tapi itu bukan alasan untuk stay average.
Isnin, Jun 22
creeping around calling darkness
twitter kawan (well, do you consider me as a friend?) aku cakap something about fuck here, fuck there just so to forget that one and only. aku rasa, boleh, boleh tapi at the end of the day selepas rounds after rounds kau jadi lunyai. secara jasmani dan rohani.
trip ke Dungun, aku ada curi dengar perbualan Abah, something about perlu bersihkan diri dari dengki. busuk hati perlu spray dengan wangi-wangian so that you can live happily ever after. i'd like to get my hands on those wangi-wangian.
aku bosan dengan orang yang suka order logo and after i've given them my drafts, jadi senyap. or after i've stated my price, jadi senyap. kalau tidak suka, just say it to my face. aku tidak suka dengan perkara-perkara yang tidak ada confirmation. aku juga bengang dengan DJ yang manipulate aku pasal yeah, aku memang pun senang untuk di-manipulate. buat aku mahu jerit, "dude, tolong jangan cakap draggy dengan aku! dan tak payah lah repeat dua-tiga kali! dan bukan ke lagi senang kalau kau just text me up the information?!!!." just because i'm not a good designer kau boleh buat sesuka hati kau. jangan sampai aku menangis sebab, oh-oh-oh, kalau aku menangis muka aku buruk and you'll get nightmares about it.
it's the Monday disease, kan?
trip ke Dungun, aku ada curi dengar perbualan Abah, something about perlu bersihkan diri dari dengki. busuk hati perlu spray dengan wangi-wangian so that you can live happily ever after. i'd like to get my hands on those wangi-wangian.
aku bosan dengan orang yang suka order logo and after i've given them my drafts, jadi senyap. or after i've stated my price, jadi senyap. kalau tidak suka, just say it to my face. aku tidak suka dengan perkara-perkara yang tidak ada confirmation. aku juga bengang dengan DJ yang manipulate aku pasal yeah, aku memang pun senang untuk di-manipulate. buat aku mahu jerit, "dude, tolong jangan cakap draggy dengan aku! dan tak payah lah repeat dua-tiga kali! dan bukan ke lagi senang kalau kau just text me up the information?!!!." just because i'm not a good designer kau boleh buat sesuka hati kau. jangan sampai aku menangis sebab, oh-oh-oh, kalau aku menangis muka aku buruk and you'll get nightmares about it.
it's the Monday disease, kan?
Khamis, Jun 18
let's not discuss all these things we can't undo
malam tadi, sebelum aku mimpi bercuti dalam boat-house yang kemudiannya karam, aku mimpi pasal bad grammar.
tadi aku log in Friendster. kalau kau pandai, kau cari account bekas kekasih. current girlfriend mesti makan hati. oh well.
aku mahu pergi makan sotong goreng tepi laut. kemudian mungkin main layang-layang buatan sendiri (tengok status rajin pasal sana banyak angin, paling best layan baring sambil membaca). kalau sana ada wi-fi, nanti aku cerita tentang mimpi boat-house karam. kalau tidak ada wi-fi, lepas getaway, mungkin. kalau aku ingat lagi.
pasal aku suka create my own stories, tambah sana sini. see the name lah, kan.
tadi aku log in Friendster. kalau kau pandai, kau cari account bekas kekasih. current girlfriend mesti makan hati. oh well.
aku mahu pergi makan sotong goreng tepi laut. kemudian mungkin main layang-layang buatan sendiri (tengok status rajin pasal sana banyak angin, paling best layan baring sambil membaca). kalau sana ada wi-fi, nanti aku cerita tentang mimpi boat-house karam. kalau tidak ada wi-fi, lepas getaway, mungkin. kalau aku ingat lagi.
pasal aku suka create my own stories, tambah sana sini. see the name lah, kan.
Rabu, Jun 17
raspy shit
bodoh betul. aku rasa maybe i was on some hallucinating device at that time. by the way, at that time, i used this picture where i showed a finger so part yang dia cakap "thanks for your finger", aku tak tahu dia refer finger yang mana satu.
cracked dowh!
p/s: i think this a good start to washing away all those sorrows and pathetic-ness and hatred, kan?
destroy everything you touch
perbualan SMS.
aku: apsal kau macam hilang dari Facebook?
Yaya: aku dah de-activate. now i feel much better.
dan conversation went berjela-jela tapi ada satu part aku ingat Yaya cakap pasal how people terlalu berpegang sangat pada memori. "you should throw it away," dia cakap.
tapi aku memang sangat-sangat-sangat suka simpan benda-benda yang ada sentimental values (i got it from my momma, i got it from my momma)
okay. okay. i'm gonna delete my Myspace account. Friendster aku sudah lupa password. kemudian pergi salon, luruskan rambut, tukar nama.
but can i please, please, please keep the Obey clutch?
aku: apsal kau macam hilang dari Facebook?
Yaya: aku dah de-activate. now i feel much better.
dan conversation went berjela-jela tapi ada satu part aku ingat Yaya cakap pasal how people terlalu berpegang sangat pada memori. "you should throw it away," dia cakap.
tapi aku memang sangat-sangat-sangat suka simpan benda-benda yang ada sentimental values (i got it from my momma, i got it from my momma)
okay. okay. i'm gonna delete my Myspace account. Friendster aku sudah lupa password. kemudian pergi salon, luruskan rambut, tukar nama.
but can i please, please, please keep the Obey clutch?
Selasa, Jun 16
you might win some but you just lost ones
isi kandungan blog ini penuh dengan hatred, kesedihan, pathetic-ness. i was such a happy person back then. but i fell in love.
inilah padahnya terlalu mengagungkan cinta. or terlalu mengagungkan ego. either way, dalam diam aku bersetuju dengan Elle bila dia cakap aku yang dua tahun lepas sangat lain dengan aku yang sekarang. worse.
haha. ironic sangat, Lauryn Hill's Lost Ones is playing on my playlist right this very minute.
inilah padahnya terlalu mengagungkan cinta. or terlalu mengagungkan ego. either way, dalam diam aku bersetuju dengan Elle bila dia cakap aku yang dua tahun lepas sangat lain dengan aku yang sekarang. worse.
haha. ironic sangat, Lauryn Hill's Lost Ones is playing on my playlist right this very minute.
Khamis, Jun 11
this picture
so i was online stalking. very unhealthy.
someone's face on a board with a name inspired by me. a weird kind of pairing. owh yes. this is what they call 'bekas kekasih'.
and my job is to feel proud that i left a big mark behind and smile honestly about it because life is just funny like that.
and by funny, the face will get scratched one of these days when the boys find a nice curb to grind on.
someone's face on a board with a name inspired by me. a weird kind of pairing. owh yes. this is what they call 'bekas kekasih'.
and my job is to feel proud that i left a big mark behind and smile honestly about it because life is just funny like that.
and by funny, the face will get scratched one of these days when the boys find a nice curb to grind on.
amuse me and i'll give you a cookie
Elle mengadu tentang mereka yang telah tersentuh hati dengan pertunangannya lalu juga mahu sertai peringkat itu. aku tumpang gembira pasal it is a good thing, getting serious about something. tentang sesuatu yang nyata. tapi janganlah kerana 'just because' dan tidak payah berlumba-lumba untuk menang race siapa-punya-majlis-lagi-best. buat semua orang stress dengan perangai kau. haha. aku mampu berkata sedemikian pasal currently i'm not attached to anyone. maybe if i'm attached, things will be the other way round. aku pun tidak pasti sangat.
bosan dengan topik kahwin, Elle dan Puaka mengalihkan perhatian kepada aku. they wonder who i'll end up with, next. main teka-teka. Puaka mahu carikan seorang ustaz which kind of freaked me out. and i can't really explain the feeling. Elle pointed out because of the way that i bring myself around, tidak nampak serious jadi nobody took me seriously. like, maybe i do need a relationship but i made it seemed like i just need a hook up. mungkin ada kena-mengena dengan sifat easy-to-please aku.
macam itu hari, bila aku menghantar SMS ke Yaya dan dia reply bahawa dia baru sahaja melakukan proses mati Heath Ledger, i found it amusing and joked about it. well, yeah, she is funny like that. you know, that weird kind of funny. merepek. and Elle pointed out that what if Yaya was serious about it? macam orang lain mungkin akan susah hati with her act but i just laughed about it. okay. jadi bila aku think it over, aku macam risau juga kalau-kalau Yaya was serious about over-dosing herself. but she's always over-dosed like that!
like seriously, why so serious?
bosan dengan topik kahwin, Elle dan Puaka mengalihkan perhatian kepada aku. they wonder who i'll end up with, next. main teka-teka. Puaka mahu carikan seorang ustaz which kind of freaked me out. and i can't really explain the feeling. Elle pointed out because of the way that i bring myself around, tidak nampak serious jadi nobody took me seriously. like, maybe i do need a relationship but i made it seemed like i just need a hook up. mungkin ada kena-mengena dengan sifat easy-to-please aku.
macam itu hari, bila aku menghantar SMS ke Yaya dan dia reply bahawa dia baru sahaja melakukan proses mati Heath Ledger, i found it amusing and joked about it. well, yeah, she is funny like that. you know, that weird kind of funny. merepek. and Elle pointed out that what if Yaya was serious about it? macam orang lain mungkin akan susah hati with her act but i just laughed about it. okay. jadi bila aku think it over, aku macam risau juga kalau-kalau Yaya was serious about over-dosing herself. but she's always over-dosed like that!
like seriously, why so serious?
Khamis, Mei 21
Isnin, Mei 18
because i'm an asshole too
or assholes are for bitchy-males, so i guess i'm a bitch?
hey, listen.
do you remember that time when you said that he told you the reason why he left me broken some years ago was because i didn't give him enough attention? konon macam kurang kasih sayang. so it was, to you, i was the one to be blame. this is what i still remember of that situation. he said, "i just don't feel like having a girlfriend at the moment." after two years and a few months, he used that excuse to leave me. but you didn't know that, do you? to you he's the rainbow after the rain.
a few times, when you were busy telling the whole world about your unconditional love for him, he was at my place. mungkinkah kerana dia tidak mendapat attention yang cukup dari kau?
i hate to break this up to you because i know you're so friggin' in love with him. but he's not all goody-goody like that. dia adalah jenis lelaki, yang kebanyakan perempuan akan snorts, cakap, "typical..." kemudian yawn.
and i think he's worse than before. jadi kau memang perlu kuatkan lagi rasa cinta kau, jadikan rasa cinta a shield untuk kau kuatkan diri kau. because i know you don't need another cheating, manipulative boyfriend like him. kalau kau rasa you solely deserve a guy like that (because that was how you stole the relationship), then kau memang kena pegang kuat pada trust. tolak tepi hunches and shits.
hey, listen.
do you remember that time when you said that he told you the reason why he left me broken some years ago was because i didn't give him enough attention? konon macam kurang kasih sayang. so it was, to you, i was the one to be blame. this is what i still remember of that situation. he said, "i just don't feel like having a girlfriend at the moment." after two years and a few months, he used that excuse to leave me. but you didn't know that, do you? to you he's the rainbow after the rain.
a few times, when you were busy telling the whole world about your unconditional love for him, he was at my place. mungkinkah kerana dia tidak mendapat attention yang cukup dari kau?
i hate to break this up to you because i know you're so friggin' in love with him. but he's not all goody-goody like that. dia adalah jenis lelaki, yang kebanyakan perempuan akan snorts, cakap, "typical..." kemudian yawn.
and i think he's worse than before. jadi kau memang perlu kuatkan lagi rasa cinta kau, jadikan rasa cinta a shield untuk kau kuatkan diri kau. because i know you don't need another cheating, manipulative boyfriend like him. kalau kau rasa you solely deserve a guy like that (because that was how you stole the relationship), then kau memang kena pegang kuat pada trust. tolak tepi hunches and shits.
siri mimpi: kereta Ford lama di Batu Pahat
padanlah sesat.we were in the car; i was sitting at the co-driver's seat. Mat yang menggilai Supra(1), was driving. Mili and another girl, who kept silent the whole journey was sitting behind. surroundings di luar kereta mengingatkan aku kampung di Batu Pahat. jalan tanah merah. Monger sibuk menelefon on my mobile, suruh aku datang cepat to his booth. apparently ada some kind of bazaar. after a few turns, we found the bazaar. it something like Bijou Bazaar but the place macam rumah kampung yang ditinggalkan. the rest waited in the car when i tried to find Monger's booth.
on my way back to the car, ada lori jual tilam(2) parked at the entrance of the bazaar. i saw Mili macam sibuk-sibuk tengok bantal dan Mat macam sedang lovingly peluk bantal kekabu, said something about missing those type of pillows. i got annoyed with him acting like that so i shoo-ed them to the car. and then, standing by the car was the other girl with us. she was holding a vintage dress in front of her and when she saw me looking her way she asked, "okay tak?" i was weirded out pasal she was silent the whole journey and kind of looked like a snob. i just told her, "okay lah."
then all of us got into the car and that's when i realized Mat's Ford Cortina's windshield was painted in white. i was so shocked but i remember the look on Mat's face that time. he had his usual thick-black frame glasses with a really nerdy look on his face. it was a funny sight but i got angry and annoyed. i simply said, "jom lah naik kereta lain. macam mana nak tengok depan ni?!" jadi kami keluar kereta dan miraculously ada sebuah kereta, model yang sama cuma berwarna hitam (or was it orange?) parked in front of us. when we got in that car, the silent girl smirked and said, "tapi kereta ni takde radio."
(1) that night we went to The Curve and i was looking through some magazines and i kept thinking about what Mat said on the importance for me to get a signature style.
(2) rupanya ada lori jual tilam sedang lalu-lalang depan rumah.
and yeah, i'd love to own a classic Ford Cortina. or Mustang.
Jumaat, Mei 15
you're an asshole, but that's okay
you know what? maybe i am a hedonist.
walaupun aku boleh elak dari get involve dengan the same scene with the same people, but somehow macam ada kuasa magnetic yang menarik aku ke arah itu. kadang-kadang aku fikir maybe aku boleh own it all kalau aku, fight! fight! fight! for it. tapi buat apa mahu buang masa bila kesimpulannya sudah pun tertera. aku jenis yang percaya pada hunch and stuff.
orang cakap belum cuba, belum tahu.
iyalah, kalau cuba nanti, kalau ending-nya perkara yang buat susah hati saja, buat apa cuba in the first place.
iyalah, at least kau tahu yang kau sudah tidak perlu cuba lagi in the future.
this is frustrating.
walaupun aku boleh elak dari get involve dengan the same scene with the same people, but somehow macam ada kuasa magnetic yang menarik aku ke arah itu. kadang-kadang aku fikir maybe aku boleh own it all kalau aku, fight! fight! fight! for it. tapi buat apa mahu buang masa bila kesimpulannya sudah pun tertera. aku jenis yang percaya pada hunch and stuff.
orang cakap belum cuba, belum tahu.
iyalah, kalau cuba nanti, kalau ending-nya perkara yang buat susah hati saja, buat apa cuba in the first place.
iyalah, at least kau tahu yang kau sudah tidak perlu cuba lagi in the future.
this is frustrating.
Jumaat, Mei 8
sex with the ex
aku mahu beritahu kau. tolong jangan ambil remeh apa yang aku mahu beritahu. tolong dengar dengan terperinci. nano-inci.
ada hentakan atas meja.
you don't get to do this anymore. you don't get to just act cruelly kemudian bisik pada aku yang bukan niat kau berbuat begitu just because suddenly the image of a nude me pops up in your head. nude dengan hanya ada sehelai organza biru laut menari-nari mengelilingi aku seiring dengan hummings of the ocean. you don't get to look straight in my eyes and melt me down all over again. you don't get to steal glances, mengamati apa yang sudah berubah pada diri ku. you don't get to taste this lips yang buat kau hilang kawalan atas anggota badan kau yang kadang-kadang buat kau tidak keruan, yang kadang-kadang buat kau fikir sama ada you did the right decision or not.
pilihan ini sudah termaktub waktu aku curi those voting taglines dari Meredith Grey dan kau rasa aku cuma terlalu senang terpengaruh dengan benda-benda yang non-existence.
ada hentakan atas meja lagi.
ada helaan nafas yang keras, menunjukkan kuasa territory.
ada hempasan malas tubuh atas bangku kayu.
tapi aku tahu yang kau tahu yang kita semua tahu, aku masih vulnerable dan helaan nafas kuasa territory hilang ke udara bersama zarah-zarah yang lain, dibawa angin untuk mereka yang perlu pinjam sebentar kuasa itu.
ada hentakan atas meja.
you don't get to do this anymore. you don't get to just act cruelly kemudian bisik pada aku yang bukan niat kau berbuat begitu just because suddenly the image of a nude me pops up in your head. nude dengan hanya ada sehelai organza biru laut menari-nari mengelilingi aku seiring dengan hummings of the ocean. you don't get to look straight in my eyes and melt me down all over again. you don't get to steal glances, mengamati apa yang sudah berubah pada diri ku. you don't get to taste this lips yang buat kau hilang kawalan atas anggota badan kau yang kadang-kadang buat kau tidak keruan, yang kadang-kadang buat kau fikir sama ada you did the right decision or not.
pilihan ini sudah termaktub waktu aku curi those voting taglines dari Meredith Grey dan kau rasa aku cuma terlalu senang terpengaruh dengan benda-benda yang non-existence.
ada hentakan atas meja lagi.
ada helaan nafas yang keras, menunjukkan kuasa territory.
ada hempasan malas tubuh atas bangku kayu.
tapi aku tahu yang kau tahu yang kita semua tahu, aku masih vulnerable dan helaan nafas kuasa territory hilang ke udara bersama zarah-zarah yang lain, dibawa angin untuk mereka yang perlu pinjam sebentar kuasa itu.
Rabu, Mei 6
alasan yang poisonous
itu hari aku borak dengan blogger kegilaan ramai. Mamat sibuk mahu tahu tentang perkembangan industri muzik tanah air. okay. more about the people involved in the industry. kenapa tidak mahu call saja dia? sudah tidak berkawan lagi kah?
and i asked him how the hell did he do it, got so far as where he is now. pasal seingat aku, he didn't take up the same course when he was studying back then. atau aku sudah silap info. Mamat beritahu aku yang aku perlu cari style aku jadi kalau ada clients yang mahu khidmat aku, they know what to get from me. dan di situ lah aku punya masalah besar. pasal aku memang tidak ada style tetap. aku buat sesuka hati, ikut mood. apparently, i don't even know what i want.
even blog aku. kalau antara kau yang ada masa untuk baca my previous entries, memang ada perubahan mendadak dari first fews kepada apa yang ada ini hari. link untuk blog ini juga pernah bertukar, kalau ada yang perasan tapi aku budget tidak ada sesiapa sangat yang perasan pasal tidak penting pun. kadang-kadang, hari Ahad, aku rasa mahu berpuitis. bila datang hari Isnin, aku mahu post entri yang marah-marah. hari Rabu pula tiba-tiba rasa macam mahu tulis fiksyen. hari Khamis aku rasa macam mahu post apa yang aku buat for the day, saja mahu kongsi cerita bosan dengan anonymous yang surfing the blogosfera. i don't have a specific trademark. macam mana mahu decide on your specific trademark? bukankah sepatutnya it comes naturally?
aku kira even kawan-kawan rapat aku pun tidak boleh decide trademark aku macam mana. okay. apart from my looks lah.
at this very moment, instead of posting an entry here, i should be brushing up my portfolio. tapi aku tidak tahu mahu mula di mana. ada orang pernah cakap pada aku, sesuatu perkara itu tidak akan berjaya kalau dikaburi dengan alasan which brings us back all the way to 'where there's a will, there's always a way'. kalau mahu, seribu daya; kalau tidak mahu, tidak payah buat apa-apa. cuma kemukakan alasan demi alasan.
and i asked him how the hell did he do it, got so far as where he is now. pasal seingat aku, he didn't take up the same course when he was studying back then. atau aku sudah silap info. Mamat beritahu aku yang aku perlu cari style aku jadi kalau ada clients yang mahu khidmat aku, they know what to get from me. dan di situ lah aku punya masalah besar. pasal aku memang tidak ada style tetap. aku buat sesuka hati, ikut mood. apparently, i don't even know what i want.
even blog aku. kalau antara kau yang ada masa untuk baca my previous entries, memang ada perubahan mendadak dari first fews kepada apa yang ada ini hari. link untuk blog ini juga pernah bertukar, kalau ada yang perasan tapi aku budget tidak ada sesiapa sangat yang perasan pasal tidak penting pun. kadang-kadang, hari Ahad, aku rasa mahu berpuitis. bila datang hari Isnin, aku mahu post entri yang marah-marah. hari Rabu pula tiba-tiba rasa macam mahu tulis fiksyen. hari Khamis aku rasa macam mahu post apa yang aku buat for the day, saja mahu kongsi cerita bosan dengan anonymous yang surfing the blogosfera. i don't have a specific trademark. macam mana mahu decide on your specific trademark? bukankah sepatutnya it comes naturally?
aku kira even kawan-kawan rapat aku pun tidak boleh decide trademark aku macam mana. okay. apart from my looks lah.
at this very moment, instead of posting an entry here, i should be brushing up my portfolio. tapi aku tidak tahu mahu mula di mana. ada orang pernah cakap pada aku, sesuatu perkara itu tidak akan berjaya kalau dikaburi dengan alasan which brings us back all the way to 'where there's a will, there's always a way'. kalau mahu, seribu daya; kalau tidak mahu, tidak payah buat apa-apa. cuma kemukakan alasan demi alasan.
Khamis, April 23
always in the middle
it's friggin' stressful kalau your housemate who happens to be your colleague too tidak kamcheng dengan some of the colleagues di tempat kerja tapi kau kamcheng dengan mereka.
do you get me?
stressful okay. kenapalah aku selalu ditakdirkan berada dalam keadaan tersepit begini? masa di sekolah, aku berkawan rapat dengan dua musuh ketat. masa bercinta dulu, si kekasih tidak begitu berkenan dengan anne dan vice versa.
kenapaaa???
do you get me?
stressful okay. kenapalah aku selalu ditakdirkan berada dalam keadaan tersepit begini? masa di sekolah, aku berkawan rapat dengan dua musuh ketat. masa bercinta dulu, si kekasih tidak begitu berkenan dengan anne dan vice versa.
kenapaaa???
Rabu, April 22
aku bukan hedonist mahupun man-eater
itu hari aku jawab quiz di Facebook. quiz itu cakap aku hedonist dan yang aku tidak percaya people comitting to me.
kawan aku cakap aku sepatutnya Gemini pasal most of her friends yang berbintang itu, either man-eater atau womanizer. sesukahati cakap aku man-eater.
dude, i was the one with the broken heart here.
sesukahati dia mahu percaya all those questionaires. plus those astrology craps too.
tapi jangan sesukahati libatkan aku sekali.
kawan aku cakap aku sepatutnya Gemini pasal most of her friends yang berbintang itu, either man-eater atau womanizer. sesukahati cakap aku man-eater.
dude, i was the one with the broken heart here.
sesukahati dia mahu percaya all those questionaires. plus those astrology craps too.
tapi jangan sesukahati libatkan aku sekali.
Rabu, April 15
kalau boleh, minggu depan mahu repeat jadi selamba. kalau boleh.
ada salah seorang penduduk Klang Valley yang berkaki panjang cakap aku selamba. kebenaran di situ cuma 5%, mungkin. tapi last weekend, aku memang confident yang aku selamba.
pasal petang sabtu, aku bergolek-golek atas katil Mili, alone at home. ada a few hundreds in the bank tapi aku sudah muak dengan kota durjana. dalam kepala aku waktu itu, ada dacing: satu piring ada singapura, satu lagi ada pulau. aku cuba brushed it off dan ajak Elle pergi ke Pulau Pinang instead. dia cakap, "kau nikenapa? ada apa kat sana???". aku forwarded the same message to Mili dan dia balas, "ada apa kat Penang? kita pegi Perak la." aku terus terfikir tentang bijih timah dan perlukah kami melombongnya??? destinasi yang dia suggested macam lari konsep (well, she could've just said Taiping in the first place). kemudian aku text a friend who's already on the island (yang berada dalam salah satu piring dacing aku). aku tanya, "brapa ramai orang KL kat pulau tu?" pasal aku macam liat sikit kalau ramai orang yang ada possibilities aku kenal juga on that island. he said just 20%. masalahnya aku fail matematik jadi aku anggap macam sikit. kawan aku cakap cuaca waktu itu, panas dan i should be there too. di luar tingkap bilik Mili, hujan lebat. aku fikir, i've got a few monies, why not?
pukul 3.30 petang, aku capai kunci kereta dan memandu ke hentian bas. aku beli dua tiket bas, trip pukul 9.30 malam, destinasi: Kuala Besut.
sampai di jeti, aku beli tiket bas pulang, "kak, tiket balik KL kitorang belum beli lagi."
"okay. bila nak balik?"
"tiket esok malam ada?"
"hah?! esok kelik doh? sekejaknya datang."
apparently Mili had some dinner she had to attend on Tuesday evening so it'll be quite tiring for her if get the Tuesday morning trip back.
aku tidak beritahu akan kedatangan kami to the island. well, i did text him up tapi aku memang jangka yang dia ingat i wasn't serious about it. jadi bila aku jumpa dia dan my other ex-boyfriend di depan reception chalet, ada muka kagum pasted on their faces. sambil geleng kepala, Nabid tanya, "macam mana korang boleh sampai sini?"
"naik bas, naik bot."
"ni bila korang balik?"
"esok malam."
"PERGGHHH! baik takyah datang"
"hey! that's not nice! KL bosan, so why not?"
jadi, last weekend aku macam selamba. 1) tanpa berfikir panjang, aku lari ke pulau untuk one-night-stay. 2) salah seorang ex-boyfriend yang aku suka mahu elak dari bertembung ada di pulau yang sama.
tapi last weekend saja. lain hari, aku tidak selamba sangat.
pasal petang sabtu, aku bergolek-golek atas katil Mili, alone at home. ada a few hundreds in the bank tapi aku sudah muak dengan kota durjana. dalam kepala aku waktu itu, ada dacing: satu piring ada singapura, satu lagi ada pulau. aku cuba brushed it off dan ajak Elle pergi ke Pulau Pinang instead. dia cakap, "kau nikenapa? ada apa kat sana???". aku forwarded the same message to Mili dan dia balas, "ada apa kat Penang? kita pegi Perak la." aku terus terfikir tentang bijih timah dan perlukah kami melombongnya??? destinasi yang dia suggested macam lari konsep (well, she could've just said Taiping in the first place). kemudian aku text a friend who's already on the island (yang berada dalam salah satu piring dacing aku). aku tanya, "brapa ramai orang KL kat pulau tu?" pasal aku macam liat sikit kalau ramai orang yang ada possibilities aku kenal juga on that island. he said just 20%. masalahnya aku fail matematik jadi aku anggap macam sikit. kawan aku cakap cuaca waktu itu, panas dan i should be there too. di luar tingkap bilik Mili, hujan lebat. aku fikir, i've got a few monies, why not?
pukul 3.30 petang, aku capai kunci kereta dan memandu ke hentian bas. aku beli dua tiket bas, trip pukul 9.30 malam, destinasi: Kuala Besut.
sampai di jeti, aku beli tiket bas pulang, "kak, tiket balik KL kitorang belum beli lagi."
"okay. bila nak balik?"
"tiket esok malam ada?"
"hah?! esok kelik doh? sekejaknya datang."
apparently Mili had some dinner she had to attend on Tuesday evening so it'll be quite tiring for her if get the Tuesday morning trip back.
aku tidak beritahu akan kedatangan kami to the island. well, i did text him up tapi aku memang jangka yang dia ingat i wasn't serious about it. jadi bila aku jumpa dia dan my other ex-boyfriend di depan reception chalet, ada muka kagum pasted on their faces. sambil geleng kepala, Nabid tanya, "macam mana korang boleh sampai sini?"
"naik bas, naik bot."
"ni bila korang balik?"
"esok malam."
"PERGGHHH! baik takyah datang"
"hey! that's not nice! KL bosan, so why not?"
jadi, last weekend aku macam selamba. 1) tanpa berfikir panjang, aku lari ke pulau untuk one-night-stay. 2) salah seorang ex-boyfriend yang aku suka mahu elak dari bertembung ada di pulau yang sama.
tapi last weekend saja. lain hari, aku tidak selamba sangat.
Jumaat, April 10
still a long way to go; oh-so-many-sins
aku selalu ingat dia as the guy who was paired up with Erra Fazira to present an award and when he joked that he was the shoe in her Cinderella movie, Erra didn't get his joke. so the joke went to Erra instead. haha. again, aku tidak dapat mengelakkan diri dari attending the infamous thrash party di kelab artsy-fartsy in town. a girl with the cutest dimples said to me, "sarah was supposed to come tapi tak jadi last minute." owh. bummer. we'll bump into each other at the next party, okay? it's only April.
and then the four of us were seated di satu table with fancy chairs. aku dengan olive vintage dress, rasa macam Alice having her tea party. and then Lizzie asked Shoe to read my palm. dia ambil tangan kanan aku and put it in his left palm. he said, "owh! still a baby!" with a big grin. what? aku macam lost.
"apa benda ni? a baby???" i asked Mili.
"dia baca your jangka hayat. means you've got a long way to go."
now. am i supposed to be happy about that? so i said to Mili, "iyalah. means lagi banyak dosa la kot aku buat."
and then the four of us were seated di satu table with fancy chairs. aku dengan olive vintage dress, rasa macam Alice having her tea party. and then Lizzie asked Shoe to read my palm. dia ambil tangan kanan aku and put it in his left palm. he said, "owh! still a baby!" with a big grin. what? aku macam lost.
"apa benda ni? a baby???" i asked Mili.
"dia baca your jangka hayat. means you've got a long way to go."
now. am i supposed to be happy about that? so i said to Mili, "iyalah. means lagi banyak dosa la kot aku buat."
Selasa, April 7
major annoyance
i have a habit of leaving stupid comments on other people's posts which at my age, macam social suicide jugalah.
dan kebiasaannya, perkara-perkara bodoh yang aku lakukan ada kena-mengena dengan perasaan suka. macam kalau aku suka kau, expect stupid actions from me. jadi forgive me kalau aku selalu berkelakuan foolish pasal, hey! aku suka kau lah.
dan kebiasaannya, perkara-perkara bodoh yang aku lakukan ada kena-mengena dengan perasaan suka. macam kalau aku suka kau, expect stupid actions from me. jadi forgive me kalau aku selalu berkelakuan foolish pasal, hey! aku suka kau lah.
Khamis, April 2
paranoia on alcohol
parti malam semalam, aku tiba lewat. hujung-hujung, waktu semua sudah wasted, waktu botol-botol hijau berkecai di tepi pavement.
i was yelled at, "where were you?! you're always fashionably late!" tapi waktu itu the music wasn't so loud and i stood in front of her. kisses on my cheeks, dengan alasan esok dia kerja, the model look-a-like went home. wasted. tidak hairan sangat pasal dia memang selalu wasted. i walked freely around the club knowing bekas kekasih had already left the place. ya, salah satu sebab kenapa aku tiba lewat was because i was contemplating of going to that launching event. kawan-kawan aku cakap i shouldn't be thinking too much about it and just go and have fun. you see, i wasn't personally invited. he didn't text me up or email or invited me through facebook. he invited 'semua' jadi aku tidak pasti sama ada aku tergolong dalam 'semua' atau tidak. tapi pasal kawan-kawan aku yang lain actually called me up, on a wednesday night asking what time i was supposed to arrive at the venue, i shrugged, pinjam baju housemate and drove through the rain for something yang aku tidak tahu ending-nya akan jadi macam mana.
ending-nya, i hung out with a couple of guys from back in the days. bukan the usual crowd jadi aku tidak bosan sangat. melayan perangai-perangai yang aku senangi. walaupun dalam keadaan mabuk. mereka yang aku tidak was-was sangat. and then came the truth. satu per-satu.
"i'm into girls AND boys."
"i slept with a girl and now she's pregnant. how do i handle this? my girlfriend would kill me if she finds out about it!!!"
"kau suka dia? dia ada girlfriend la."
okay. that last part buat mulut aku ternganga, buat aku rasa macam orang bodoh. of course! that's why he never actually shared anything with me. pasal itulah, alasan yang dia pakai was, "panjanglah cerita dia and malas nak cerita." you went missing, no calls, no messages and you even passed my number to some random guy (okay. his friend that i met once) and then you popped out from nowhere acting as if nothing happened. dan aku pun tidak pasti sama ada i'm just plain stupid atau naive atau total moron.
malam semalam, adalah sebab kenapa i don't involve myself with alcohol. bila kau mabuk, you tell the truth. aku ada terlalu banyak dark secrets yang terlalu bahaya untuk diluahkan jadi aku tidak percayakan diri aku sendiri. even dalam keadaan sober pun aku boleh buat perkara merepek, apatah lagi dalam keadaan mabuk. bila kau mabuk dan rasa horny, you can just find anyone who's horny too and get it over and done with. perkara-perkara yang kau buat di luar kawalan minda normal. it's fun pasal kau tidak perlu fikir pasal aftermath tapi bila kau bangun the next day, good luck.
jadi kalau aku pergi parties, tidak minum, aku buat apa? aku hisap rokok, minum coke dan tengok gelagat manusia. kalau ada lagu yang aku suka, i join the dancefloor. i can just sit and watch other people have fun and not get drunk and that actually eases me up.
tapi kalau ada joint, aku tidak tolak.
i was yelled at, "where were you?! you're always fashionably late!" tapi waktu itu the music wasn't so loud and i stood in front of her. kisses on my cheeks, dengan alasan esok dia kerja, the model look-a-like went home. wasted. tidak hairan sangat pasal dia memang selalu wasted. i walked freely around the club knowing bekas kekasih had already left the place. ya, salah satu sebab kenapa aku tiba lewat was because i was contemplating of going to that launching event. kawan-kawan aku cakap i shouldn't be thinking too much about it and just go and have fun. you see, i wasn't personally invited. he didn't text me up or email or invited me through facebook. he invited 'semua' jadi aku tidak pasti sama ada aku tergolong dalam 'semua' atau tidak. tapi pasal kawan-kawan aku yang lain actually called me up, on a wednesday night asking what time i was supposed to arrive at the venue, i shrugged, pinjam baju housemate and drove through the rain for something yang aku tidak tahu ending-nya akan jadi macam mana.
ending-nya, i hung out with a couple of guys from back in the days. bukan the usual crowd jadi aku tidak bosan sangat. melayan perangai-perangai yang aku senangi. walaupun dalam keadaan mabuk. mereka yang aku tidak was-was sangat. and then came the truth. satu per-satu.
"i'm into girls AND boys."
"i slept with a girl and now she's pregnant. how do i handle this? my girlfriend would kill me if she finds out about it!!!"
"kau suka dia? dia ada girlfriend la."
okay. that last part buat mulut aku ternganga, buat aku rasa macam orang bodoh. of course! that's why he never actually shared anything with me. pasal itulah, alasan yang dia pakai was, "panjanglah cerita dia and malas nak cerita." you went missing, no calls, no messages and you even passed my number to some random guy (okay. his friend that i met once) and then you popped out from nowhere acting as if nothing happened. dan aku pun tidak pasti sama ada i'm just plain stupid atau naive atau total moron.
malam semalam, adalah sebab kenapa i don't involve myself with alcohol. bila kau mabuk, you tell the truth. aku ada terlalu banyak dark secrets yang terlalu bahaya untuk diluahkan jadi aku tidak percayakan diri aku sendiri. even dalam keadaan sober pun aku boleh buat perkara merepek, apatah lagi dalam keadaan mabuk. bila kau mabuk dan rasa horny, you can just find anyone who's horny too and get it over and done with. perkara-perkara yang kau buat di luar kawalan minda normal. it's fun pasal kau tidak perlu fikir pasal aftermath tapi bila kau bangun the next day, good luck.
jadi kalau aku pergi parties, tidak minum, aku buat apa? aku hisap rokok, minum coke dan tengok gelagat manusia. kalau ada lagu yang aku suka, i join the dancefloor. i can just sit and watch other people have fun and not get drunk and that actually eases me up.
tapi kalau ada joint, aku tidak tolak.
Rabu, April 1
jawapan yang aku beri berdasarkan satu kisah yang ustazah aku pernah cerita waktu sekolah rendah
i told her, tanpa berfikir panjang, "i'd die bitterly remembered. bila you mati, if orang masih mengumpat you, you're gonna get pahala. prolly you'll get an easier stay dalam kubur."
after saying that, aku macam tidak pasti if that was the right thing to say pasal aku sedang berbual dengan salah seorang Melayu yang berfikiran Barat dan hidup dengan cara Barat. she was once a housemate to a certain writer/poet yang bersuara lantang, yang tidak kisah sangat menyatakan pendapatnya walaupun subjek itu terlalu sensitif yang boleh invite guruh dan kemudian kilat. knowing that, aku macam sudah boleh agak cara pemikirannya dan her lifestyle.
well, aku pun ada juga living the West-lifestyle tapi aku masih percaya in God. if i don't believe in Him, i'd be a wreck.
after saying that, aku macam tidak pasti if that was the right thing to say pasal aku sedang berbual dengan salah seorang Melayu yang berfikiran Barat dan hidup dengan cara Barat. she was once a housemate to a certain writer/poet yang bersuara lantang, yang tidak kisah sangat menyatakan pendapatnya walaupun subjek itu terlalu sensitif yang boleh invite guruh dan kemudian kilat. knowing that, aku macam sudah boleh agak cara pemikirannya dan her lifestyle.
well, aku pun ada juga living the West-lifestyle tapi aku masih percaya in God. if i don't believe in Him, i'd be a wreck.
Selasa, Mac 31
trivia mati
sunday afternoon, hujan renyai-renyai. we were sitting on interesting-shaped stools, circling a small coffee table. ada pinggan-pinggan kosong dan gelas-gelas yang quarter-empty. a friend of mine who always look good in her vintage photos sedang bercerita tentang mimpinya yang ada aku. mimpi yang pelik pasal we're not that close pun. she said in the dream, we were doing shots of heroin at my place which looked like a really cool apartment and we did shots everywhere on our body. macam sick-lah her dream pasal aku tidak pernah ambil heroin pasal macam heavy sangat bunyinya. so anyway, after pouring us the details of her eerie dream, she asked:
"to die bitterly remembered or to die forgotten?"
dan dia kata dia mahu die forgotten dari diingati dengan perkara-perkara yang tidak best. kau rasa aku jawab yang mana satu? kalau kau?
"to die bitterly remembered or to die forgotten?"
dan dia kata dia mahu die forgotten dari diingati dengan perkara-perkara yang tidak best. kau rasa aku jawab yang mana satu? kalau kau?
mendung, kemudian hujan, kemudian pelangi
waktu aku berada di atas stage, lost dengan perasaan melayan the glory of a dream come true, ada seorang teman yang juga sedang melayan his glorious moments too. nun di seberang, di kota seni.
norak. perkampungan.
aku masih ingat how you think highly of your father and how you want nothing more than to become like him. sekarang, kau sudah dapat apa yang kau impikan. make good use of the chance that you have. jangan sia-siakan lagi peluang hidup kau pasal we're running out of time, there's none of it to be wasted.
walaupun aku macam sedikit kecil hati to actually found out about it from someone else, i'd still wish you well. mungkin satu hari nanti kita akan makan sama-sama.
norak. perkampungan.
aku masih ingat how you think highly of your father and how you want nothing more than to become like him. sekarang, kau sudah dapat apa yang kau impikan. make good use of the chance that you have. jangan sia-siakan lagi peluang hidup kau pasal we're running out of time, there's none of it to be wasted.
walaupun aku macam sedikit kecil hati to actually found out about it from someone else, i'd still wish you well. mungkin satu hari nanti kita akan makan sama-sama.
Isnin, Mac 30
kalau tidak mahu boyfriend ada kawan perempuan langsung, gari sahaja di rumah
aku bila suka, macam tidak fikir banyak. aku layan perasaan suka sebab aku suka rasa perasaan suka. aku jarang sekali fikir pasal aftermath perasaan suka. dan aku juga akan buat tindakan terburu-buru bila rasa suka. sometimes it's really annoying sampai boleh chase the things yang aku suka pergi jauh.
macam aku suka kucing. aku bela kucing dalam apartment tingkat tinggi-tinggi; 11th, 14th. aku selfish (sarah si aktivis kucing, please don't be mad at me. i can't help it) pasal aku cuma bawa kucing aku turun main rumput once in a blue moon sahaja. aku bagi kucing makan banyak-banyak pasal mahu dia jadi gemuk dan malas so boleh tidur sama (degil, eventhough hidung aku sensitif pada bulu kucing). alih-alih, dia bosan, tinggalkan aku dan cari rumput dan freedom dan betina yang bulu sama banyak dengan dia. arnab pemberian kawan-kawan ("kau boleh ke jaga?" "boleehhh. mesti boleh punya.") wasted macam itu sahaja. hajat elle untuk mengahwinkan arnabnya pun tidak tercapai.
what a selfish bitch, huh?
bukan. bukan. aku tidak seteruk itu. not quite a bitch but i'll go bitching gila babi about other people kalau mereka cari pasal dengan aku. prolly i'll get to tell about that one of these days. pasal, truth be told, bitching about other people buat kau rasa best. gasp! did i just typed that? *buat muka makcik yang suka mengumpat tapi faking the innocence
okay. so aku ada buat statement yang maybe i might just 'eat' somebody's boyfriend tapi itu bukan general pun. the last thing yang aku perlu dalam hidup aku ini adalah cat-fights dengan perempuan. aku macam tidak kuasa sangat mahu ada enemies. tapi sudah nasib badan, aku mesti akan ada 'hal' dengan perempuan-perempuan yang berkuasa ke atas kawan-kawannya (macam "she's messing with me so aku tidak kisah if dia ada buat hal dengan kau atau tidak, kau kena side dengan aku"). tolonglah! eh. atau sebenarnya itu adalah lumrah 'girlfriends'? aku tidak pasti pasal i don't belong to a certain girlfriends-circle what-so-ever. kasihan, kan? padahal i was from a girls' school. no wonder i'm such a sad, pathetic person. oh well. anyway, ini aku mahu cerita, kalau kau rasa aku ini seorang yang membahayakan untuk relationship kau, baik kau lupakan saja. i am not the type of girl yang boleh buat boyfriend orang tinggalkan their current girlfriend. itu aku janji. pasal memang aku tidak kuasa pun mahu kacau boyfriend orang pasal aku terlalu percaya pada karma. and i was in that situation before so i know how it feels like when someone mengendeng-ngendeng pada boyfriend tercinta kau yang kau gila babi percaya kejujurannya di mana kalau kau tanya dia, siapa yang mengendeng dulu, even kalau boyfriend kau jujur, kau tetap akan attack perempuan yang prolly didn't know pun kau girlfriend that certain guy. aku kira-kira, 90% perempuan ada enemies mesti disebabkan lelaki.
kenapa lelaki tidak sebegitu perangainya? aku pun tidak pasti.
okay. so perkara ini terjadi pada aku, some few weeks ago. kau tahu aku rasa mahu tumbuk siapa? the boyfriend. because he didn't straighten things out dan membiarkan girlfriend-nya paranoid dan insecure dan berperangai gila kampung, buat rugi pakai original Chanel bag bought from Paris (haaa...tengok aku mulut jahat). dan result-nya, both of them pun malu. sama semua konco-konco sekali.
i should stop typing.
pasal sebenarnya aku mahu tulis pasal topik lain, sekarang sudah lari. heh.
macam aku suka kucing. aku bela kucing dalam apartment tingkat tinggi-tinggi; 11th, 14th. aku selfish (sarah si aktivis kucing, please don't be mad at me. i can't help it) pasal aku cuma bawa kucing aku turun main rumput once in a blue moon sahaja. aku bagi kucing makan banyak-banyak pasal mahu dia jadi gemuk dan malas so boleh tidur sama (degil, eventhough hidung aku sensitif pada bulu kucing). alih-alih, dia bosan, tinggalkan aku dan cari rumput dan freedom dan betina yang bulu sama banyak dengan dia. arnab pemberian kawan-kawan ("kau boleh ke jaga?" "boleehhh. mesti boleh punya.") wasted macam itu sahaja. hajat elle untuk mengahwinkan arnabnya pun tidak tercapai.
what a selfish bitch, huh?
bukan. bukan. aku tidak seteruk itu. not quite a bitch but i'll go bitching gila babi about other people kalau mereka cari pasal dengan aku. prolly i'll get to tell about that one of these days. pasal, truth be told, bitching about other people buat kau rasa best. gasp! did i just typed that? *buat muka makcik yang suka mengumpat tapi faking the innocence
okay. so aku ada buat statement yang maybe i might just 'eat' somebody's boyfriend tapi itu bukan general pun. the last thing yang aku perlu dalam hidup aku ini adalah cat-fights dengan perempuan. aku macam tidak kuasa sangat mahu ada enemies. tapi sudah nasib badan, aku mesti akan ada 'hal' dengan perempuan-perempuan yang berkuasa ke atas kawan-kawannya (macam "she's messing with me so aku tidak kisah if dia ada buat hal dengan kau atau tidak, kau kena side dengan aku"). tolonglah! eh. atau sebenarnya itu adalah lumrah 'girlfriends'? aku tidak pasti pasal i don't belong to a certain girlfriends-circle what-so-ever. kasihan, kan? padahal i was from a girls' school. no wonder i'm such a sad, pathetic person. oh well. anyway, ini aku mahu cerita, kalau kau rasa aku ini seorang yang membahayakan untuk relationship kau, baik kau lupakan saja. i am not the type of girl yang boleh buat boyfriend orang tinggalkan their current girlfriend. itu aku janji. pasal memang aku tidak kuasa pun mahu kacau boyfriend orang pasal aku terlalu percaya pada karma. and i was in that situation before so i know how it feels like when someone mengendeng-ngendeng pada boyfriend tercinta kau yang kau gila babi percaya kejujurannya di mana kalau kau tanya dia, siapa yang mengendeng dulu, even kalau boyfriend kau jujur, kau tetap akan attack perempuan yang prolly didn't know pun kau girlfriend that certain guy. aku kira-kira, 90% perempuan ada enemies mesti disebabkan lelaki.
kenapa lelaki tidak sebegitu perangainya? aku pun tidak pasti.
okay. so perkara ini terjadi pada aku, some few weeks ago. kau tahu aku rasa mahu tumbuk siapa? the boyfriend. because he didn't straighten things out dan membiarkan girlfriend-nya paranoid dan insecure dan berperangai gila kampung, buat rugi pakai original Chanel bag bought from Paris (haaa...tengok aku mulut jahat). dan result-nya, both of them pun malu. sama semua konco-konco sekali.
i should stop typing.
pasal sebenarnya aku mahu tulis pasal topik lain, sekarang sudah lari. heh.
Isnin, Mac 23
yezzir, that's her but it wasn't like that back when i met her
i should've listened to Al when he said, "if ever you wanna do a one night stand, pick someone from out of this city." which of course, i laughed to. pasal at that moment of course aku confident yang aku tidak akan terjebak. dan seperti biasa, segala nasihat yang ditepek-kan ke dahi aku yang tidak berapa licin plus sometimes oily (gross!) ini, dan betapa aku confident yang aku akan berpegang pada nasihat itu dan aku cuba untuk mengelakkan diri dari di-label sebagai 'degil', i went against the advices. sub-conciously.
the reason kenapa Al beri aku nasihat yang itu pasal this kota durjana is so small that everyone seems to know everyone. seperti apa yang aku selalu katakan juga. over and over again.
last friday, this city i'm living in, had gone slightly smaller. i was kind of hyperventilating when i found out about it. perkara-perkara yang aku buat yang aku lupa nak fikir pasal aftermath-nya.
termasuk juga getting all hysterical about going on stage with N.E.R.D. last saturday dan bila aku tengok video yang kawan aku record on that night, i friggin' looked like a lunatic with bad fashion sense. cis.
anyway, cita-cita aku tercapai untuk get up close and personal (if count touchy-touchy as personal) dengan Pharrell Williams. dan aku berterima kasih kepada segelintir orang yang secara tidak langsung terlibat dalam pemberian tuah itu.
yezzir!
the reason kenapa Al beri aku nasihat yang itu pasal this kota durjana is so small that everyone seems to know everyone. seperti apa yang aku selalu katakan juga. over and over again.
last friday, this city i'm living in, had gone slightly smaller. i was kind of hyperventilating when i found out about it. perkara-perkara yang aku buat yang aku lupa nak fikir pasal aftermath-nya.
termasuk juga getting all hysterical about going on stage with N.E.R.D. last saturday dan bila aku tengok video yang kawan aku record on that night, i friggin' looked like a lunatic with bad fashion sense. cis.
anyway, cita-cita aku tercapai untuk get up close and personal (if count touchy-touchy as personal) dengan Pharrell Williams. dan aku berterima kasih kepada segelintir orang yang secara tidak langsung terlibat dalam pemberian tuah itu.
yezzir!
Khamis, Mac 19
dan manusia mencipta objek-objek dan perkara-perkara illegal
untuk apa, kau ingat?
untuk satu kepuasan. bukan kepuasan yang everlasting but quite okay untuk satu-satu jangka masa. pasal of course, kita semua tahu tentang kepuasan yang everlasting but being humans, we're just so vulnerable and can't help ourselves being drawn towards such good things macam perkara-perkara forbidden. tapi tidak semua perkara forbidden sangat pasal really, i'm not broken like that. jadi untuk orang yang tidak fully broken macam aku, i've got other stuff to turn to.
chocolate cakes, parties.
okay. there's more but it's just not important for other people to know.
wink wink...wink wink...
untuk satu kepuasan. bukan kepuasan yang everlasting but quite okay untuk satu-satu jangka masa. pasal of course, kita semua tahu tentang kepuasan yang everlasting but being humans, we're just so vulnerable and can't help ourselves being drawn towards such good things macam perkara-perkara forbidden. tapi tidak semua perkara forbidden sangat pasal really, i'm not broken like that. jadi untuk orang yang tidak fully broken macam aku, i've got other stuff to turn to.
chocolate cakes, parties.
okay. there's more but it's just not important for other people to know.
wink wink...wink wink...
how many days more?
i'm fucken vulnerable, it's pathetic.
i fucken need to know, HOW MANY DAYS MORE until i go sane and normal and get myself straight and not all bengkok-bengkok and rasa crappy shit and not go whiny because nobody, NOBODY can actually stick around to listen to patheticness because whinings are a fucken waste of time.
i need to know the exact moment when these torturings are gonna stop.
it's fucken killing me already.
i fucken need to know, HOW MANY DAYS MORE until i go sane and normal and get myself straight and not all bengkok-bengkok and rasa crappy shit and not go whiny because nobody, NOBODY can actually stick around to listen to patheticness because whinings are a fucken waste of time.
i need to know the exact moment when these torturings are gonna stop.
it's fucken killing me already.
Khamis, Mac 12
tidak salah lelaki kahwin dua pasal straight guys pun sudah berkurangan
kau tahu, rasa-rasanya perkara yang paling depressing for a girl (dalam hal cinta) adalah bukannya lelaki yang diidam-idamkan is already taken. somebody's boyfriend, suami orang.
aku rasa perkara paling depressing yang boleh terjadi to a girl (hal cinta) adalah finding out the guy that she's been having a serious crush on, yang kadang-kadang dia ingat ada chemistry waktu kononnya bermain mata, is not straight. dan kalau yang pernah slept together, at least once, mungkin pada dia kau hanya eksperimen to see whether he can still have a boner with a girl.
well, itu yang aku rasa pasal if he's already somebody's boyfriend or husband dan sexual drive dia adalah straight, no nonsense-what-so-ever, you can still cross your fingers and hope for it.
tapi kalau dia gay, kau sure akan makan hati.
aku rasa perkara paling depressing yang boleh terjadi to a girl (hal cinta) adalah finding out the guy that she's been having a serious crush on, yang kadang-kadang dia ingat ada chemistry waktu kononnya bermain mata, is not straight. dan kalau yang pernah slept together, at least once, mungkin pada dia kau hanya eksperimen to see whether he can still have a boner with a girl.
well, itu yang aku rasa pasal if he's already somebody's boyfriend or husband dan sexual drive dia adalah straight, no nonsense-what-so-ever, you can still cross your fingers and hope for it.
tapi kalau dia gay, kau sure akan makan hati.
Rabu, Mac 11
hantu-hantu
saat dia perhatikan refleksi wajah atas cermin di hadapannya, perasaan yang tertera dalam matanya masih ada sayu. purnama-purnama yang datang dan pergi, macam tidak ada guna untuk dirinya. anak matanya perhatikan pada kepingan-kepingan potret yang tertampal atas dinding di belakangnya. ada orang-orang yang dia sayang, ada orang-orang yang dia benci, ada orang-orang yang unfamiliar.
"you're still living in his ghost," ada bisikan dalam kepalanya. dia getap bibir. ada lapisan jernih menyelimuti anak matanya, kiri dan kanan. she tilted her head to the left, closed her left eye dan ada air mata mengalir perlahan. dengan mata kanan, she focused on a face on one of the portraits behind her.
"do you think i still haunt him like how he's still haunting me?" soalnya pada bisikan dalam kepalanya.
"you're still living in his ghost," ada bisikan dalam kepalanya. dia getap bibir. ada lapisan jernih menyelimuti anak matanya, kiri dan kanan. she tilted her head to the left, closed her left eye dan ada air mata mengalir perlahan. dengan mata kanan, she focused on a face on one of the portraits behind her.
"do you think i still haunt him like how he's still haunting me?" soalnya pada bisikan dalam kepalanya.
Rabu, Februari 25
and if I only could make a deal with God and get Him to swap our places
i've been keeping a few things to myself. you know, like, aku berjaya not blabbing about shitty stuff to 'my shoulders to cry on'.
aku rasa tidak perlu untuk tunjukkan sangat the pathetic part. i can't help it if i'm moving way slower than they are. at least i'm moving.
but that's just not good enough, no?
aku tidak terlalu menggilai wang. aku lebih crave tentang perkara-perkara yang buat aku happy. but this is how the world works, kau perlu menggilai wang untuk dapatkan benda-benda yang kau crave. kalau wang tidak ada dalam senarai crave kau, you're going no where.
unless kau memang a magnet for luck.
i have a confession: aku selalu, selalu, selalu rasa iri hati dan dendam terhadap mereka yang just unfairly lucky. why are they given such luck when it's other people that needed those things most? but that's it, isn't it? kalau mereka bekerja keras for it, we wouldn't label it as luck? it would be just something else.
so, do i just lay back dan goyang kaki until this bulb inside my head light up and decide what i should do next to satisfy this cravings, yang aku pun tidak pasti bagaimana mahu satisfy-kan? or maybe wait for that luck to come knocking on my door.
the interview i had a few days back, was good. not great but just good. that's what i am, always just okay. i only told anne and elle about the interview after i went for it. they say that particular place doesn't really pay much. so you'd rather for me being stuck here, in this comfort zone rather than start doing what i like? sumpah aku tidak faham.
i thought they'd be happy about it...slightly, at least...
listen, i have to start somewhere, okay? aku tidak smart sangat like you guys, so at least give me a break about it, okay? i don't have a boyfriend to come home to, to at least give me security about my future, okay?
i know i partied too much. at least i'm not spending on alcohol or some chemical drugs. and no, i don't feel like as if i'm aftering the socialites' attentions. i have a different definition of socialites in my head and i don't count those people i party with as any of them. i go to parties, i check out the DJs, i dance around, i laugh to quirky moves, have late supper, go home and sleep.
ya, mungkin i'm lost, exactly just as you predict it tapi kalaulah kau boleh duduk di sini, super comfort zone aku yang future tentang 3 tahun lagi pun, masih terlalu kabur, dan experience it yourself. pasti kau akan stop whining about your job yang super busy itu but hey, at least kau ada masa to do stuff that you like. and that part where you said that you need to get a life, it's all so wrong. you've already got a life. scan apa yang kau sudah miliki. maybe not all, but you're kind of there.
kau semua tidak tahu of how high i look up to you, so can you please just give me a break about it?
and yes, i miss you guys like crazy but it seems that we're just too far apart.
aku rasa tidak perlu untuk tunjukkan sangat the pathetic part. i can't help it if i'm moving way slower than they are. at least i'm moving.
but that's just not good enough, no?
aku tidak terlalu menggilai wang. aku lebih crave tentang perkara-perkara yang buat aku happy. but this is how the world works, kau perlu menggilai wang untuk dapatkan benda-benda yang kau crave. kalau wang tidak ada dalam senarai crave kau, you're going no where.
unless kau memang a magnet for luck.
i have a confession: aku selalu, selalu, selalu rasa iri hati dan dendam terhadap mereka yang just unfairly lucky. why are they given such luck when it's other people that needed those things most? but that's it, isn't it? kalau mereka bekerja keras for it, we wouldn't label it as luck? it would be just something else.
so, do i just lay back dan goyang kaki until this bulb inside my head light up and decide what i should do next to satisfy this cravings, yang aku pun tidak pasti bagaimana mahu satisfy-kan? or maybe wait for that luck to come knocking on my door.
the interview i had a few days back, was good. not great but just good. that's what i am, always just okay. i only told anne and elle about the interview after i went for it. they say that particular place doesn't really pay much. so you'd rather for me being stuck here, in this comfort zone rather than start doing what i like? sumpah aku tidak faham.
i thought they'd be happy about it...slightly, at least...
listen, i have to start somewhere, okay? aku tidak smart sangat like you guys, so at least give me a break about it, okay? i don't have a boyfriend to come home to, to at least give me security about my future, okay?
i know i partied too much. at least i'm not spending on alcohol or some chemical drugs. and no, i don't feel like as if i'm aftering the socialites' attentions. i have a different definition of socialites in my head and i don't count those people i party with as any of them. i go to parties, i check out the DJs, i dance around, i laugh to quirky moves, have late supper, go home and sleep.
ya, mungkin i'm lost, exactly just as you predict it tapi kalaulah kau boleh duduk di sini, super comfort zone aku yang future tentang 3 tahun lagi pun, masih terlalu kabur, dan experience it yourself. pasti kau akan stop whining about your job yang super busy itu but hey, at least kau ada masa to do stuff that you like. and that part where you said that you need to get a life, it's all so wrong. you've already got a life. scan apa yang kau sudah miliki. maybe not all, but you're kind of there.
kau semua tidak tahu of how high i look up to you, so can you please just give me a break about it?
and yes, i miss you guys like crazy but it seems that we're just too far apart.
Khamis, Februari 19
walaupun hanya perkataan
you really don't know how your forgotten words dropped somebody's jaw. how those words that you said and have no memory of saying it made an impact in somebody's life.
benda-benda yang kau cakap ikut sedap mulut kau kadang-kadang boleh mengguris hati the person yang kau spit those words to, yang kau tidak jangka akan meninggalkan apa-apa kesan pasal maybe he/she is just someone close and they should know you by heart pasal kau memang suka cakap ikut sedap mulut pun.
dan kau mungkin tidak jangka bahawa dia boleh ingat those exact words even if it was said a long, long, long time ago.
benda-benda yang kau cakap ikut sedap mulut kau kadang-kadang boleh mengguris hati the person yang kau spit those words to, yang kau tidak jangka akan meninggalkan apa-apa kesan pasal maybe he/she is just someone close and they should know you by heart pasal kau memang suka cakap ikut sedap mulut pun.
dan kau mungkin tidak jangka bahawa dia boleh ingat those exact words even if it was said a long, long, long time ago.
Rabu, Februari 18
what else is there?
i'm not doing well with both of my girlfriends.
pasal aku masih berumur last two year's age when everyone's kind of settling down. dan aku masih tidak dapat figure out apa benda yang aku mahu. for real. yesterday, when the interviewer asked me about my passion, i lied.
aku tidak ada saluran Astro di rumah. mungkin kalau aku tekun menonton saluran Discovery, i might find what i'm looking for.
currently, aku macam tidak mahu apa-apa jenis attachment pun. aku mahu jadi selfish dan ignorant dan hanya mahu fokus pada kepentingan aku. just stop being clingy.
besides, who would miss me anyway...
pasal aku masih berumur last two year's age when everyone's kind of settling down. dan aku masih tidak dapat figure out apa benda yang aku mahu. for real. yesterday, when the interviewer asked me about my passion, i lied.
aku tidak ada saluran Astro di rumah. mungkin kalau aku tekun menonton saluran Discovery, i might find what i'm looking for.
currently, aku macam tidak mahu apa-apa jenis attachment pun. aku mahu jadi selfish dan ignorant dan hanya mahu fokus pada kepentingan aku. just stop being clingy.
besides, who would miss me anyway...
Selasa, Februari 17
keluar kandang harimau masuk mulut buaya
later in the afternoon, aku ada temu-bual kerja di kota durjana. tempatnya pun agak durjana juga. since it's kind of a long time aku sudah tidak pergi interview and what-nots ini, aku macam gementar sikit.
lagi-lagi tempat yang ditujui ada perempuan yang selama ini aku avoid from bumping into. a bad-vibe someone.
kamu semua ucap selamat pada aku, okay?
lagi-lagi tempat yang ditujui ada perempuan yang selama ini aku avoid from bumping into. a bad-vibe someone.
kamu semua ucap selamat pada aku, okay?
Rabu, Februari 11
lyrics salah satu lagu Alanis Morisette sedang repeating itself dalam kepala aku
3am tadi aku terjaga dari tidur pasal rasa macam kandungan angin dalam perut melebihi had. ke kiri, ke kanan aku pusing. i made a note of getting minyak angin later, after work.
and then a couple of text messages masuk. pandai mereka budget masa.
kau tahu, se-bestfriend mana kau dengan seseorang itu, atau bukan kawan, atau kawan hi-hi-bye-bye, kita ni semua macam pelan-pelan savings yang ditawarkan di bank. macam ASB or Amanah Saham Wawasan. no?
pasal everyone of us, every single one of us, semua ada benefits masing-masing dan perlukan a certain kind of benefit for a certain period of time. kau cakap kau ikhlas macam mana pun, mesti kau mahu juga the hidden benefits.
and then a couple of text messages masuk. pandai mereka budget masa.
kau tahu, se-bestfriend mana kau dengan seseorang itu, atau bukan kawan, atau kawan hi-hi-bye-bye, kita ni semua macam pelan-pelan savings yang ditawarkan di bank. macam ASB or Amanah Saham Wawasan. no?
pasal everyone of us, every single one of us, semua ada benefits masing-masing dan perlukan a certain kind of benefit for a certain period of time. kau cakap kau ikhlas macam mana pun, mesti kau mahu juga the hidden benefits.
Selasa, Februari 10
mentari merah di ufuk timur
aku rasa macam mahu menangis pasal i just got to know that N.E.R.D. sudah confirm-kan show mereka untuk Sunburst KL this coming 21st March.
aku pun tidak berapa pasti rasa mahu menangis pasal terlalu terharu atau the fact that i'll never get to see Pharrell up-close.
sebaknya.
anyone yang boleh tolong aku get up-close (tidak perlu personal sangat) dengan dia? even just for a second? please. i'll do ANYTHING.
aku pun tidak berapa pasti rasa mahu menangis pasal terlalu terharu atau the fact that i'll never get to see Pharrell up-close.
sebaknya.
anyone yang boleh tolong aku get up-close (tidak perlu personal sangat) dengan dia? even just for a second? please. i'll do ANYTHING.
Rabu, Februari 4
aku patut jadi lelaki dan lupakan perkara remeh-temeh
aku baca latest post sarah. dan seperti biasa, aku terasa.
tapi, tell me, how the hell do i move on bila lelaki-lelaki yang i've set my eyes on are already taken? mahu bertunanglah, sudah bertunanglah, sudah berkahwinlah. ada seorang yang not yet taken (or maybe he's taken cuma dia sangat pandai keep things from me) aku tidak faham how his brain works so i can't read him which depresses me jadi i might as well give up on that.
ada seorang ex-schoolmate aku pernah cakap pada aku that she remembered this one time at class, i was doodling on the desk and came across somebody's doodle that read 'if u love somebody, just go for it!' and i told her that i should live by that. waktu kawan aku reminisced that memory, aku tergelak besar. i totally forgot about that doodle. but being at this age, that couldn't work. wouldn't work. waktu sekolah, bolehlah pakai tapi nowadays, mana boleh main-main. semua pun mahu komitmen, mahu kahwin. trend yang popular untuk ages 20-30. dan seperti biasa, aku tidak ikut trend sangat. macam fesyen juga, bila trend tights sudah lapuk, baru aku sibuk pakai. dan macam perasaan juga, tujuh bulan kemudian baru aku confront. kawan aku panggil aku celeron dan aku cakap, "what's that? sounds like sayur. celery."
okaylah. maybe i'm having one of those days where i feel needy and clingy and sangat-sangat whiny. aku rasa mungkin pasal one of my girlfriends, yang commited gila dengan relationship-nya, mungkin mahu bertunang. dan yang seorang lagi, yang kurang conservative sedang sibuk bercinta dengan Jetli. texting me lovey-dovey stuff yang sepatutnya dihantar to the guy she's currently dating.
*sigh
i'd like to feel that. pasal aku macam sudah lupalah perasaan in love macam mana.
tapi, tell me, how the hell do i move on bila lelaki-lelaki yang i've set my eyes on are already taken? mahu bertunanglah, sudah bertunanglah, sudah berkahwinlah. ada seorang yang not yet taken (or maybe he's taken cuma dia sangat pandai keep things from me) aku tidak faham how his brain works so i can't read him which depresses me jadi i might as well give up on that.
ada seorang ex-schoolmate aku pernah cakap pada aku that she remembered this one time at class, i was doodling on the desk and came across somebody's doodle that read 'if u love somebody, just go for it!' and i told her that i should live by that. waktu kawan aku reminisced that memory, aku tergelak besar. i totally forgot about that doodle. but being at this age, that couldn't work. wouldn't work. waktu sekolah, bolehlah pakai tapi nowadays, mana boleh main-main. semua pun mahu komitmen, mahu kahwin. trend yang popular untuk ages 20-30. dan seperti biasa, aku tidak ikut trend sangat. macam fesyen juga, bila trend tights sudah lapuk, baru aku sibuk pakai. dan macam perasaan juga, tujuh bulan kemudian baru aku confront. kawan aku panggil aku celeron dan aku cakap, "what's that? sounds like sayur. celery."
okaylah. maybe i'm having one of those days where i feel needy and clingy and sangat-sangat whiny. aku rasa mungkin pasal one of my girlfriends, yang commited gila dengan relationship-nya, mungkin mahu bertunang. dan yang seorang lagi, yang kurang conservative sedang sibuk bercinta dengan Jetli. texting me lovey-dovey stuff yang sepatutnya dihantar to the guy she's currently dating.
*sigh
i'd like to feel that. pasal aku macam sudah lupalah perasaan in love macam mana.
Selasa, Februari 3
kerana lelaki
last weekend ada colleague aku got married. i didn't go pasal aku ada alasan bernas iaitu menjadi driver ke Port Dickson for a family gathering. come monday, another colleague asked me why didn't i attend the wedding. dia cakap, "tak baik weih kau tak datang. wedding weih." and then yesterday afternoon, the big boss forwarded a link where he uploaded the pictures of the wedding. must've been very grand. mills told me the bride's cousins are all gorgeous and made her jealous. dan aku masih tidak tahu sama ada what she said was true or not pasal aku masih belum check out those photos. bukan busy or anything, just don't want to. something that i've been avoiding. updates yang tidak perlu aku ambil tahu.
you know, dahulu aku tidak pernah ada enemies or orang-orang yang aku perlu elak dari berjumpa. kes elak-mengelak hanya bermula when i got into relationships. elak ex-boyfriend. elak perempuan-perempuan yang suka pada ex-boyfriends.
di tempat kerja aku, ada satu kisah di mana si lelaki A terlalu sukakan perempuan B dan lelaki C cuba cucuk line untuk lelaki A. sekali silap cucuk, diri sendiri yang sangkut. apparently lelaki A dan lelaki C sangat rapat. but they're still friends till now. aku rasa, kalau perempuan, confirm sudah tidak bertegur. where am i going with this?
how come lelaki boleh get over it and be friends but not the girls?
perempuan jadi paranoid pun pasal lelaki, kan? sibuk mahu melaram pun pasal lelaki, kan?
but in the meantime lelaki ada yang tidak endah pun tentang sacrifices yang certain perempuan buat. i'm not trying to act feminist here tapi ada kebenaran bukan, on what i've just brought up here?
semuanya kerana lelaki. macam marah pun ada. but still, i'm not thinking of becoming a gay myself. rubber dick? euw.
you know, dahulu aku tidak pernah ada enemies or orang-orang yang aku perlu elak dari berjumpa. kes elak-mengelak hanya bermula when i got into relationships. elak ex-boyfriend. elak perempuan-perempuan yang suka pada ex-boyfriends.
di tempat kerja aku, ada satu kisah di mana si lelaki A terlalu sukakan perempuan B dan lelaki C cuba cucuk line untuk lelaki A. sekali silap cucuk, diri sendiri yang sangkut. apparently lelaki A dan lelaki C sangat rapat. but they're still friends till now. aku rasa, kalau perempuan, confirm sudah tidak bertegur. where am i going with this?
how come lelaki boleh get over it and be friends but not the girls?
perempuan jadi paranoid pun pasal lelaki, kan? sibuk mahu melaram pun pasal lelaki, kan?
but in the meantime lelaki ada yang tidak endah pun tentang sacrifices yang certain perempuan buat. i'm not trying to act feminist here tapi ada kebenaran bukan, on what i've just brought up here?
semuanya kerana lelaki. macam marah pun ada. but still, i'm not thinking of becoming a gay myself. rubber dick? euw.
karma-chameleon
sometimes, when your dearest is taken away from you, secara normalnya, kau akan rasa sedih. pasal kau ingat selama ini kau sudah beri dia perhatian sepenuhnya. macam menatang minyak yang penuh. tidak kira lah sama ada your dearest itu adalah organisma yang bernafas atau tidak. manusia atau objek. macam kereta.
dan waktu orang-orang terdekat dengan kau pats you on your shoulder, saying, "Tuhan lebih sayangkan dia," kau fikir saat yang mana satu yang kau tidak sedar, part yang kau tertumpahkan minyak yang kau sedang tatang itu.
dan kau kais-kais otak kau, bahagian ingatan, rewind semua scene, cari di mana silap kau sampai perkara yang malang macam itu boleh terjadi pada kau. walaupun semua yang terjadi itu ada hikmahnya, tapi masih ada kaitan juga dengan karma.
jadi kau fikir lagi karma yang mana satu yang sedang get back at you.
dan waktu orang-orang terdekat dengan kau pats you on your shoulder, saying, "Tuhan lebih sayangkan dia," kau fikir saat yang mana satu yang kau tidak sedar, part yang kau tertumpahkan minyak yang kau sedang tatang itu.
dan kau kais-kais otak kau, bahagian ingatan, rewind semua scene, cari di mana silap kau sampai perkara yang malang macam itu boleh terjadi pada kau. walaupun semua yang terjadi itu ada hikmahnya, tapi masih ada kaitan juga dengan karma.
jadi kau fikir lagi karma yang mana satu yang sedang get back at you.
Jumaat, Januari 30
"He sleeps with his assistant, a carnivorous fish lodges itself in his penis, that's instant karma if I've ever seen it."
last night, i was finally done with Grey's Anatomy season III after sudah beberapa bulan aku berusaha to finish it up but something went wrong with my laptop's disc drive dan apparently aku adalah antara manusia termalas di muka bumi ini. so it was a blessing in disguise bila aku dapat laptop baru. yeah, i'm totally bragging about it. aku rasa, script writer Grey's Anatomy gempak gila babi. dan seperti perempuan-perempuan lain di luar sana, a few big parts of my life aku kaitkan dengan that series. cliché. like the part where some of them are dating each other or not talking with each other because of some awkward pasts but they just have to deal with it because they happened to be working under the same roof. aku juga dig the part where at each end of the episodes Meredith membuat rumusan tentang hidup. tapi aku tidak berapa berkenan dengan Meredith pasal she's like, so full of herself jadi aku pilih the emotional, passionate Izzie and sarcastic Cristina as my favourite characters pasal mereka macam merepek sangat. i'm a fan of sarcasm because somehow aku rasa sarcasm itu macam satu jenis bahan lawak. i love Cristina. she's so out of this world. dan watak-watak perempuan dalam that series macam suka memperbesarkan hal-hal remeh.
perempuan memang suka sangat berfikir, right? berfikir tentang perkara yang penting hinggalah yang paling tidak munasabah. dan memang selalu juga paranoia dikaitkan dengan perempuan. macam lumrah hidup.
ataupun mungkin aku seorang saja perempuan yang suka mahu berfikir bukan-bukan.
MEREDITH: "If I did die today, I'd only be remembered as the slutty intern who dated two doctors."
CRISTINA: "No, one doctor and one vet."
MEREDITH: "Derek, Finn, Derek, Finn. I'd die as the girl who couldn't make a choice, right?"
CRISTINA: "Probably. But none of that matters, because you'll be dead."
i totally dig Cristina.
perempuan memang suka sangat berfikir, right? berfikir tentang perkara yang penting hinggalah yang paling tidak munasabah. dan memang selalu juga paranoia dikaitkan dengan perempuan. macam lumrah hidup.
ataupun mungkin aku seorang saja perempuan yang suka mahu berfikir bukan-bukan.
MEREDITH: "If I did die today, I'd only be remembered as the slutty intern who dated two doctors."
CRISTINA: "No, one doctor and one vet."
MEREDITH: "Derek, Finn, Derek, Finn. I'd die as the girl who couldn't make a choice, right?"
CRISTINA: "Probably. But none of that matters, because you'll be dead."
i totally dig Cristina.
Khamis, Januari 29
mainan mata
boss bahagian marketing mahu tukar semua font headings dari font Frutiger ke font Hobo. like, seriously? i thought baru sahaja tadi mereka cakap the fonts were all jumbled up dan nampak tidak terurus dan sekarang mahu tukar dari font formal-looking to the type yang macam circus-y? well, good luck in making the flash presentation lebih tidak terurus. the poor designer mesti sakit mata sambil buat amendments.
dan tiba-tiba salah seorang colleagues yang selalu lalu-lalang next to my desk, aku rasa, macam hot.
maybe i should consider eye check-up somewhere this weekend.
dan tiba-tiba salah seorang colleagues yang selalu lalu-lalang next to my desk, aku rasa, macam hot.
maybe i should consider eye check-up somewhere this weekend.
Jumaat, Januari 23
dalam hidup, ada rules and regulations yang tidak tertera tapi kau perlu faham-faham sendiri
malam tadi aku dimarahi elle. she cares too much about me. owh Tuhan, what did i do to get all these precious friends? owh yeah. must be all the mistakes that i did.
semalamnya, aku beritahu dia tentang satu perasaan pelik. kau mesti pernah alaminya, tiba-tiba kau dilanda perasaan yang kau pun tidak tahu apa sebabnya. so weird. i've never missed vans before. dan sebenarnya tidak ada apa-apa yang penting about him yang perlu aku rindui. mungkin betul apa yang anne cakpa pada aku, "he's one of those people yang kau tak tau kenapa kau addicted to him sangat-sangat. you know, he's got that aura." aku tidak faham sangat aura apa, but part of that was true. we didn't share anything special pun tapi kenapa aku macam rindu sangat dan ada urge untuk cari dia? elle cakap, "kau takpayah lah nak cari dia. he's a jerk." so aku cuma berharap pada situasi terserempak sahaja. mills suggested aku plan cara-cara untuk bumped into him. haha. hmm...but i'm kind of considering that.
dan dalam 2-3 hari ini, aku macam agak sensitif. tentang perkara-perkara yang berkaitan dengan bekas kekasih. when mills told me that he's been chatting with a colleague, aku macam, "owh? since when?". dan bila tadi aku sibuk mencari gunting untuk makan keropok sedap, the girl who lent me her blade was wearing his knitted sweater. kau tahu aku rasa apa? macam ada sort of jealousy bercampur-aduk dengan rasa-rasa yang lain. aku tidak pasti. i mean, what's up weih? i thought i'm over him but why the hell did i feel that way? i mean, the only reason why i would wear somebody's ex's sweater adalah mungkin aku saja mahu sakitkan hati that somebody. dan aku macam not very fond of her jadi it kind of made it worse. atau memang sengaja si bekas kekasih meninggalkan pieces of him supaya aku akan sentiasa teringat pada dia. if that's the case, that's just so fucken unfair. aku wonder juga kalau sebenarnya deep inside dia memang tidak mahu aku move on dan always stay tortured macam itu.
maybe i should just take all his leftovers (yang tidak penting untuk aku) dan bakar. dan buat ritual dance. and get high. yeah. macam fun.
tapi aku tidak berapa gemar dengan pembakaran terbuka.
semalamnya, aku beritahu dia tentang satu perasaan pelik. kau mesti pernah alaminya, tiba-tiba kau dilanda perasaan yang kau pun tidak tahu apa sebabnya. so weird. i've never missed vans before. dan sebenarnya tidak ada apa-apa yang penting about him yang perlu aku rindui. mungkin betul apa yang anne cakpa pada aku, "he's one of those people yang kau tak tau kenapa kau addicted to him sangat-sangat. you know, he's got that aura." aku tidak faham sangat aura apa, but part of that was true. we didn't share anything special pun tapi kenapa aku macam rindu sangat dan ada urge untuk cari dia? elle cakap, "kau takpayah lah nak cari dia. he's a jerk." so aku cuma berharap pada situasi terserempak sahaja. mills suggested aku plan cara-cara untuk bumped into him. haha. hmm...but i'm kind of considering that.
dan dalam 2-3 hari ini, aku macam agak sensitif. tentang perkara-perkara yang berkaitan dengan bekas kekasih. when mills told me that he's been chatting with a colleague, aku macam, "owh? since when?". dan bila tadi aku sibuk mencari gunting untuk makan keropok sedap, the girl who lent me her blade was wearing his knitted sweater. kau tahu aku rasa apa? macam ada sort of jealousy bercampur-aduk dengan rasa-rasa yang lain. aku tidak pasti. i mean, what's up weih? i thought i'm over him but why the hell did i feel that way? i mean, the only reason why i would wear somebody's ex's sweater adalah mungkin aku saja mahu sakitkan hati that somebody. dan aku macam not very fond of her jadi it kind of made it worse. atau memang sengaja si bekas kekasih meninggalkan pieces of him supaya aku akan sentiasa teringat pada dia. if that's the case, that's just so fucken unfair. aku wonder juga kalau sebenarnya deep inside dia memang tidak mahu aku move on dan always stay tortured macam itu.
maybe i should just take all his leftovers (yang tidak penting untuk aku) dan bakar. dan buat ritual dance. and get high. yeah. macam fun.
tapi aku tidak berapa gemar dengan pembakaran terbuka.
Selasa, Januari 20
pernah suatu ketika dulu, she sold her soul to a heartless someone
kemudian yang berada di dalam genggaman tangannya bukanlah kepingan emas atau valuable notes. it was all just dusts.
sweetheart, kau sudah diperdaya. tapi tidak perlu rush untuk gain back that trust you've lost. cuma kau perlu fikir dalam-dalam yang mana satu kau harus turuti, yang mana kau harus shield yourself from.
tidak mengapa kalau kayuh perlahan-lahan. your days are not numbered yet. taman yang ada rainbow, butterflies dan pretty flowers itu akan tunggu sehingga kau sampai.
it will still be there, untuk kau berguling tanpa kerisauan atas rumput hijaunya yang macam permaidani itu. yang macam dalam mimpi-mimpi kau.
sweetheart, kau sudah diperdaya. tapi tidak perlu rush untuk gain back that trust you've lost. cuma kau perlu fikir dalam-dalam yang mana satu kau harus turuti, yang mana kau harus shield yourself from.
tidak mengapa kalau kayuh perlahan-lahan. your days are not numbered yet. taman yang ada rainbow, butterflies dan pretty flowers itu akan tunggu sehingga kau sampai.
it will still be there, untuk kau berguling tanpa kerisauan atas rumput hijaunya yang macam permaidani itu. yang macam dalam mimpi-mimpi kau.
unzip your skirt, take off your blouse
itu hari menang laptop.
itu malam sudah jumpa my Malaysian version of James McAvoy.
ini hari aku dapat tahu N*E*R*D* ALMOST confirmed for 2009's KL Sunburst.
MY PHARRELL'S FINALLY COMING HOME TO ME!!!
itu malam sudah jumpa my Malaysian version of James McAvoy.
ini hari aku dapat tahu N*E*R*D* ALMOST confirmed for 2009's KL Sunburst.
MY PHARRELL'S FINALLY COMING HOME TO ME!!!
Isnin, Januari 19
i'm bad with maths but i can memorize unimportant phone numbers
what was last saturday's date? 17? hmm...doesn't sound lucky to me but it was one hell of a lucky night for me. pasal aku menang cabutan bertuah (like, finally) dan aku dapat laptop. though it sings "is the best!" ada satu perkara aku tidak berapa berkenan dengannya. its name. and the logo. aku tidak suka dengan ketidak-sekataan. owh well, aku patut bersyukur. i took the laptop as a sign that i shall never give up in life, in the need to change how i live my life, to make it better dan juga berusaha to get a lifestyle yang memang aku inginkan once i'm over 50. if i ever get there. dan at least, sekarang aku boleh snap gambar cleavage baabanyak dan boleh habiskan Grey's Anatomy season III. my current laptop is in need of an upgrade service tapi malangnya sikap malas aku masih lingering around.
after the big gala dinner (well, it sure felt like it) i dropped by at one of my usual weekend hangouts to see Al who just came back from partying with dearest Franz Ferdinand in the land of the Maoris. aku maafkan dia pasal he got me the journal that i wanted. iya lah, konon mahu get organized for the new year. mungkin tahun ini aku akan menjadi a new person. perlu percaya. he also reminded of some incident that i did yang buat aku laughed out loud pasal kebodohan sendiri. kalau ada kawan-kawan Al yang sampai ke sini and know that band-guy, tell him i'm sorry i was gatal tangan mahu text him up. tell him aku ada masalah mental sikit, he'll understand and forgive me. he does look like that type of a nice guy. okay, so that night i only managed to find a new being for me to drool over, just to kill time. dan hari ini i've decided i've found my local James McAvoy, plus i'm now officially ahli setia the broken hearts' club. satu hari aku asyik tersengih just by imagining things i would do to him. aku rasa aku belum pernah stumble upon a local hot DJ like him. okay, aku tidak pasti sama ada Goldfish itu hot atau tidak, but he's nice to look at. that's my personal opinion.
so far, my weekend was good, apart from the flu and light headache. Anne managed to slip a question about a mistake i did some few weeks ago. i told her we're strangers now. i hope we won't stumble upon each other pasal aku rasa aku akan tergelak besar pasal pasti waktu itu aku akan teringatkan decision bodoh aku. you can't make things that happened, unhappen. greatest lesson learnt sempena berumur suku abad.
kemudian aku perlu percaya pada benda-benda positive. dan perlu ingat untuk selalu bersyukur dangan apa yang aku ada. kalau mahu lebih, boleh cuba dengan cara betul, bukan main kotor.
if you got it, flaunt it!
after the big gala dinner (well, it sure felt like it) i dropped by at one of my usual weekend hangouts to see Al who just came back from partying with dearest Franz Ferdinand in the land of the Maoris. aku maafkan dia pasal he got me the journal that i wanted. iya lah, konon mahu get organized for the new year. mungkin tahun ini aku akan menjadi a new person. perlu percaya. he also reminded of some incident that i did yang buat aku laughed out loud pasal kebodohan sendiri. kalau ada kawan-kawan Al yang sampai ke sini and know that band-guy, tell him i'm sorry i was gatal tangan mahu text him up. tell him aku ada masalah mental sikit, he'll understand and forgive me. he does look like that type of a nice guy. okay, so that night i only managed to find a new being for me to drool over, just to kill time. dan hari ini i've decided i've found my local James McAvoy, plus i'm now officially ahli setia the broken hearts' club. satu hari aku asyik tersengih just by imagining things i would do to him. aku rasa aku belum pernah stumble upon a local hot DJ like him. okay, aku tidak pasti sama ada Goldfish itu hot atau tidak, but he's nice to look at. that's my personal opinion.
so far, my weekend was good, apart from the flu and light headache. Anne managed to slip a question about a mistake i did some few weeks ago. i told her we're strangers now. i hope we won't stumble upon each other pasal aku rasa aku akan tergelak besar pasal pasti waktu itu aku akan teringatkan decision bodoh aku. you can't make things that happened, unhappen. greatest lesson learnt sempena berumur suku abad.
kemudian aku perlu percaya pada benda-benda positive. dan perlu ingat untuk selalu bersyukur dangan apa yang aku ada. kalau mahu lebih, boleh cuba dengan cara betul, bukan main kotor.
if you got it, flaunt it!
Khamis, Januari 15
women, know that your instincts are always right
"You see, the thing with men is that ever after has everything to do with timing. And very little to do with who you are. He can love you, yes. But if the time is not right, he won't marry you or put aside his personal plans to be with you without you having to ask. Even then, he still won't.
But once he's married, he will. Because that's what married men do for their wives.
So men, understand this. Women always know if you fall in love with someone else. And often times, they know even before you do. It's in the tone of your voice and the things you don't say.
And women, know that your instincts are always right. In a cruel twist of nature, the reason you possess that clarity is because you love him down to your bones. And it will break your heart. It will seize you with fear before you understand why you are frightened." - thedatindiaries.blogspot.com
aku rindu her writings.
But once he's married, he will. Because that's what married men do for their wives.
So men, understand this. Women always know if you fall in love with someone else. And often times, they know even before you do. It's in the tone of your voice and the things you don't say.
And women, know that your instincts are always right. In a cruel twist of nature, the reason you possess that clarity is because you love him down to your bones. And it will break your heart. It will seize you with fear before you understand why you are frightened." - thedatindiaries.blogspot.com
aku rindu her writings.
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