of plain honesty and hypocrisy

i lie. i lie a lot and when you lie a lot, you're considered a liar. but at times, i get tired of lying so i tend to tell the truth. pasal yes, a lie will obviously lead to another and you can never know when it will end. tapi bila aku bercakap jujur selalunya aku akan beritahu mereka yang rapat dengan aku. dan selalunya the things i utter to them aren't the nicest things. i have two very, very close girlfriends. the type of girls yang memang true girlfriends pasal they stick with me, on my side through whatever craps that you can imagine. dan aku? hmm...not the very true kind of girlfriend. kind of yang kau tidak perlu peduli sangat pun. aku ada satu prinsip diri yang macam agak susah untuk ditch: if you don't mess with me, then i'm fine. walhal my two girls pula: you mess with my girlfriend means you're messing with me. when i was down and had a thing against a dwarf bitch or that singer's junky sister, they were there sticking up for me, showing their hate. but me? i couldn't bring myself showing the hate against their rivals because i just...couldn't. pasal personally mereka belum threaten aku lagi so aku jadi neutral. pasal aku seboleh-bolehnya tidak mahu enemies. enemies buat kau rasa gelisah dan aku kalau gelisah jadi macam sakit mental. macam schizo sikit. trust me, kau akan benci aku bila aku paranoid sebegitu. so i try be nice to everyone. well, yang tidak cari masalah dengan aku lah. yang cari masalah itu, pay the price lah, kan? macam kalau kawan aku ada band dan muzik yang mereka bawa just happened to not be my cup of tea, no matter how nice and great they are as friends to me, it will still stay that way: not my cup of tea. i'm so cruel. plus way too confused pasal macam mana aku boleh deny everything else and practice pretentious tapi untuk hati seorang teman yang priceless, aku gagal? my lovelings, sifat aku yang satu ini, aku harap-harap sangat kau boleh understand. besides, you already know i am THAT ignorant. aku betul rasa guilty sangat.

bunuh diri kejap lagi

what do you do when the person that you've been writing about found your writings?




pergi bunuh diri.




i don't express my emotions, feelings, openly. most of the time, aku simpan dalam-dalam di hujung lubuk hati. instead, i write about them. these writings posted on senandung konspirasi are the stuff hidden in the cemented bricks of my walls. kalau kamu pecahkannya, nescaya kamu akan ketemukan cebisan-cebisan perkataan-perkataan ini. some lucky colleagues of mine found this blog. "kau macam dalam dunia kau sendiri. macam alam lain." memanglah. pasal aku tak berminat sangat menulis pasal orang lain. i'm selfish and ignorant remember? and this IS a self-centered blog. that's why i was never in your politic shits. owh. excuse my language. well, i do get involved in my own self-politics but please, just leave me as i am. i'm fine like this. we are fine like this, right? i tried to write stuff in general but i just can't help myself from writing about emotions. dah sudah. jadi online diary pula. i'm really curious why the SDN blogger link his blog to mine. macam segan pun ada sebab blog aku terlalu self-centered, it's nauseating. hmm....maybe he thinks my blog's a joke. ah. assumption is the mother of all fuck-ups. ayat yang selalu aku ulang tapi masih juga went against it. but oh well, i'll write still. and i'm not planning to delete any entries or make this a private blog. leceh lah. i guess it's okay for that particular person to read what i think about him. or her.

this blog is as honest as i can be.