a spotless mind

the truth is, i really love 'heart. from the bottom of my heart. this time off that we are having made me miss him. reminds me of those good things we used to have. it was all my fault from the beginning of the relationship. i'm not sure if i am what you call a keeper because i lack of the things a keeper needs. i was the one who made 'heart felt insecure and thus, he tried to soothe his insecurity. what i see from this relationship i had with him, things kept bouncing back. me to him, him to me and i wonder if it will ever stop. there must be something wrong with me that he had secret affairs, right? and there must be something wrong that he did which led me to stray away from the relationship. i am that person who are so lack of self-confidence that everyone else are much much perfect than me. i don't know how i can boost up my own self confidence. the reason i need this time off is because if ever we're going to start over again, we need to start fresh. i need to clear up my mind, my cold heart.

does anyone have dr. howard's number? the guy who have all the machines to erase unwanted memories in our head in 'eternal sunshine of a spotless mind'. but the movie itself made a point that even how hard we try to change or forget things, our destiny have already been written in the big book of life. destiny, will always be destiny. no point changing it.

every sin leaves a mark

monday meeting, i was sitting across the boss and saw he had a silver chain around his neck. i thought maybe he's an undercover mafia and whether he have tattoos all over his body. and an image of Viggo Mortensen sitting on the couch with only his underpants on (fuh. berpeluh aku) came across my mind. ha ha. so elle, dana, jude & i watched Eastern Promises last night at the (how many stars, again?) mall. it was a good movie, good plot, with some funny dialogues and a scene where Viggo Mortensen lebih dari separuh bogel. he's hot, huh? you should check out Munich. a very good movie too.


on saturday, after a couple of years, i went out with a guy. we walked around the twin tower mall, talking, smoking and checkout some sneakers. john was very talkative. he likes to talk. he got beautiful eyes that i can't help thinking about kissing them. dan jambang yang buat aku gemuruh. but the date made us realize that we were just each other's infatuation. which was fine by me because of course, didn't it all went to fast? i told mill that by this week everything will get back to normal mode. and apparently john's ex-wife is my ex's girlfriend after me. the city is getting smaller day by day and i hate it. we had relationship conversations and john insisted on me getting back with 'heart. i was pissed because i think i had enough pressure from him and i don't think i need any addition from someone i'm curious to be kissing with. 'heart had been sending messages on death and such. dude, kita semua belum bersedia untuk mati. jangan dipermainkan soal mati. and now it's my fault right? MEMANG PUN. i'm fucken pissed with the situation that i feel like shutting myself up, alone in a secluded corner, somewhere where people don't know me. why can't he understand? i'm not fully healed yet. from the previous wounds. "weeping wounds that never heal" so sang Placebo. all i need is just some time off. that's all. janganlah terburu-buru. anyway, 'heart, i'm glad you know how it feels like to be really heart broken. been there, done that.