nasty old man, please don't fly her to europe

waktu hari terakhir getaway, aku macam resah. aku jadi tamak. i was scared just thinking about the fact that mili will get married one day and leave me. the previous night she told me of an old guy who is currently into her and said if she marries him, he'd take her anywhere in the world to live happily ever after. nightmare aku macam sudah dekat; a) nightmare tentang perkahwinan dengan lelaki yang umurnya lebih tua dari abah dan b) aku akan rasa lonely dengan pemergian my only sister. aku rasa jelik dengan lelaki tua yang gatal. i guess part of the situation boleh dituding jari ke atas her high school friends. pelik. mereka datang dari golongan yang tidak sabar mahu grow old so they can go to clubs dan cari lelaki kaya. kaya dulu, kemudian looks or age. i know age is just a number. tapi ada batasan. she's always involved with older men. 4 - 20 years gap. kadang-kadang aku wonder juga how she managed to do it. memang kerap aku di cop sebagai adik bila berjalan seiringan dengannya which kind of pisses her off. but it got her rich old men. mili said that her friend had the opinion that she have the looks yang memang lelaki tua suka. tapi aku terlalu sayangkan mili. waktu aku emotionally distracted, aku cari dia pasal waktu itu dia juga sudah macam give up on the egoist she honestly loved. i know she's the favourite among the three of us. nanti abah dan mak akan sakit rindu kalau dia berkahwin dengan lelaki tua yang boleh bawanya ke paris after getting married. aku jadi takut sampai aku mahu jadi matchmaker for her. i need her to stay here. for my personal sake. if she's not around nanti, siapa lagi yang aku mahu sakat? siapa lagi yang willing to listen to my so-called love stories yang berulang-kali? dia saja yang boleh tahan. sometimes it's annoying for her to be calling out "kakak!" in the middle of a crowd. tapi dalam diam aku suka pasal panggilan itu membuatkan aku rasa senang hati ada seorang adik. yang ada juga manusia yang tidak kisah sangat ada kakak macam aku pasal i'm not a good person over all. be it daughter, girlfriend or a sister. jadi aku thankful.

kehilangan-kehilangan

dalam kepala aku, ada kisah tentang aidilfitri yang lepas-lepas. juga aidilfitri yang akan datang nanti. perayaan yang aku rasa semakin suram pasal my grandmother passed away last friday, exactly after zuhur. mili and i rushed ourselves to seremban and managed to catch a glimpse of her before she was buried. a favourite cousin of mine said, "sedih lah. sebab hari tu dia asyik cakap nak jumpa mak lang." mak lang happens to be my mother. actually, i was never that close with mak's mother instead i was closer to abah's late mother, tok mi. but i didn't get to go to her funeral because i was with mak at cameron higlands at that time. no. kau tidak perlu main guessing game tentang sistem keluarga aku. sudah aku diajar dari kecil tentang rahsia yang tidak perlu diceritakan kepada sesiapa, walaupun teman rapat. tapi aku boleh kongsi yang ini: keegoan aku datang dari mak, silent treatment aku datang dari abah. fikiran aku tidak boleh fokus ke atas satu perkara sahaja over the weekend. minda aku melompat dari satu hal ke satu hal. sms yang aku hantar pada kau, yang kononnya paling penting buat aku, hanyalah sesuatu yang aku rasa boleh dikongsi. aku cuba tolak tepi apa yang terlalu merunsingkan jadi aku alihkan perhatian pada yang hanya main-main, yang tidak kekal. kau tahu, belum hujung tahun lagi, aku sudah ada banyak kehilangan. tidak hairan pasal aku ini memang seorang yang cuai. antara kehilangan-kehilangan aku adalah hati yang terang. macam handphone yang mute dan tidak bernyala yang kalau kau tercicir, pasti kau tidak akan perasan dan mengambil masa untuk mencarinya. jasmani aku mungkin nampak elok, rohani aku sebenarnya tidak tahu ke mana. bukan salah sesiapa. salah aku sendiri pasal aku pun bukan anak kecil lagi, boleh menggunakan minda yang dikurniakanNya dengan elok. dah. aku mula mengeluh lagi, kan? i've decided that it's okay for me to whine here, in this digital world. tapi rasanya aku sudah kurang mengeluh diantara teman rapat. itu yang aku rasa. i should better keep things just to myself. aku rasa tidak mengapa kalau ada dinding di sekeliling aku. kalau kau rajin untuk take it off, brick by brick, feast yourselves. tapi lepas itu giliran aku pula untuk have a feast building it up again.

untuk darah daging aku yang sudah tiada, yang sudah kembali kepadaNya, Al-Fatihah.

matchmaking: mangsa berikutnya...

"ei, korang ni takda calon nak kahwin ke?" terasa soalan mak bagaikan satu anak panah yang tiba-tiba menerjah antara aku dan mili.

"ei, aku nak isi minyak lah. where's the nearest petrol pump?" aku tanya mili, while maneuvering the steering wheel.

"kat sini tak boleh masuk kiri. kena pusing depan sana" mili seemed to be ignoring the killer question from mak. iya lah. kami berdua pun sedang mengalami masalah relationship tiba-tiba ditembak dengan soalan yang best. gugup sekejap. aku ketawa kecil.

"what do you mean 'korang'??? i'm still young okay???" mili memberi jawapan. mak terkekeh di belakang. she continued telling us how my younger cousin is currently going out with a technician and might be tying the knot. the thing is, she kept changing her phone number, everytime she changes boyfriend. you get the idea. yesterday we went back to seremban to see my 91-year-old grandmother and for mak to attend her mesyuarat gossip between her two close sisters. by the end of the day, nama aku naik menjadi topik. dulu, anne always told me stories about her supportive aunts who love to play matchmaker for her. aku fikir, merepek. nampaknya turn aku sudah sampai.

"chinese look, your age, tall," described fana. the guy that they're trying to matchmake me with is a friend of her current boyfriend. woi!!! aku yang masih mamai dari tidur petang, bersuara dalam hati. si ahbeng tu kerja di seremban, aku di kota durjana ni. sesuai ke? boleh jadi ke hubungan jarak jauh ni? aku pun sebenarnya suka saja jadi matchmaker tapi bila aku yang jadi item-nya, rasa bengang pun ada. beralah kepada pilihan mak, tidak pernah langsung terlintas di fikiran aku. i'm only 24. i shouldn't be worrying about this. THEY shouldn't be worrying about it either. mentang-mentang dah pencen, sesuka saja nak buat keputusan. eleh, macamlah si ahbeng tu pun interested. entah-entah sudah pun mempunyai buah hatinya sendiri. aku ni pun bukannya interesting sangat pun. elle kata pendirian aku macam lelaki. memang ada betulnya statement dia. bukannya hati perempuan aku hilang terus, tapi untuk di lihat dengan mata kasar, agak susah untuk orang yang tak dikenali. perlu diseluk dalam-dalam. that's why i think it's weird if any male is interested in me. perangai merepek, siapa nak? aku pun tak nak. haha.

tapi apa kata ku try saja si ahbeng ni? tak salah kan kalau berkawan? at least, i can have someone to hang out with whenever i come down to seremban. mana tahu dia merempit ke, boleh aku try rasa perasaan lentik atas motor. haha.

Aren't we supposed to get-together on Eid?

Eid this year, was very enjoyable for me. as stated on my previous post, i went all the way to the south to seek the feel of javanese raya, the other side of me. i have to say, i'm very proud of this heritage that was passed down to me by abah though the only java word that i know is wes mangan (have you eaten?) & saadly i don't know how to answer to that question. (waras, maybe?). on the 1st day, mili & i got some duit raya (eh eh. kalau orang memberi, kita? menerimanya dengan tangan terbuka lah. ngeh). with the money, i decided that we should get ourselves a disposable camera (lost our digital 1 earlier this year) to record some javanese raya scene. so-so. instead we got ourselves a film camera for RM39.90. not disposable but i'm not betting it will still work by the end of this year. haha. afternoon, we met anne & headed to the city's mall. so much for the spirit of Eid. the next day we went to abah's hometown where people still converse daily in javanese. & later that night, met some club friends (surprise! surprise!) which later we found out that we're related. & they got themselves a hip & cool aunt. NGEH! come 4th raya day, 'heart who came the day before, joined me in the quest of job hunting in Singapore. well, my interview was at 2pm & his at 6pm. my interview went quite well, though i forgot all about my education certificates. tsk..tsk..tsk... & 'heart, having some complications in speaking english, was disappointed with his interview. cheer up! you're working with me next month remember? i was happy this raya. i enjoyed it very very much that i forgot about mak's well-being. a cousin on mak's side called yesterday to tell me about how on the 2nd day of raya, mak was already home because her sister left her all alone & went raya somewhere without telling. hearing this, as a daughter, i was blaming myself for going down south. but then, i thought about along who was only 75minutes away from mak but couldn't find just a little free time to spend with her. along is the best brother anyone could ever have, no doubt. but he could've at least give mak a chance.

if only i have the power to mend things right.

where's my aidilfitri spirit?

eh. raya minggu depan lah. & i'll be 24 by end of this year. benci dengan perasaan yang ada dalam diri sekarang. perasaan yang tak teruja dengan raya yang akan datang. honestly. i hate growing up because then i'll forget fun & won't believe in fairytales anymore. typical, raya songs are being played everywhere: here in the office, on the radio, kamdar, also as ringtones. i think it's a sin for me to say this:i dislike lagu-lagu raya yang berkumandang. no, it doesn't make me feel sad. just plain...hate. well, i do have a favourite, the one sung by ahmad jais 'selamat hari raya' because i like the bass line. it'll be better if it's not a raya song.
& after how many years, i can't remember, i'm going back to abah's hometown: batu pahat. sedih. fikirkan mak yang beraya tanpa anak-anak di sisi. nak buat macam mana, mak. all you have to do is just come and have a chat with abah. abah pun sama. stop with the cold war. enough with the silent treatment. we, your children, would hate it if both of you have to grow old alone. because i know, i wouldn't want to grow old & alone myself.