where's my aidilfitri spirit?

eh. raya minggu depan lah. & i'll be 24 by end of this year. benci dengan perasaan yang ada dalam diri sekarang. perasaan yang tak teruja dengan raya yang akan datang. honestly. i hate growing up because then i'll forget fun & won't believe in fairytales anymore. typical, raya songs are being played everywhere: here in the office, on the radio, kamdar, also as ringtones. i think it's a sin for me to say this:i dislike lagu-lagu raya yang berkumandang. no, it doesn't make me feel sad. just plain...hate. well, i do have a favourite, the one sung by ahmad jais 'selamat hari raya' because i like the bass line. it'll be better if it's not a raya song.
& after how many years, i can't remember, i'm going back to abah's hometown: batu pahat. sedih. fikirkan mak yang beraya tanpa anak-anak di sisi. nak buat macam mana, mak. all you have to do is just come and have a chat with abah. abah pun sama. stop with the cold war. enough with the silent treatment. we, your children, would hate it if both of you have to grow old alone. because i know, i wouldn't want to grow old & alone myself.

rabun dan pekak

i feel better today because lastnight, mili's friend was sooooooo kind that she gave me 2 bikinis, 3 tops & 1 boardshorts, f.o.c. despite of me not smiling at her on a previous occasion because i was rabun & i have this short term memory lost. well, lately, that's been happening to me: unknown girls smiling at me. and, and, and...i didn't act friendly at all. "owh. you're so kedekut senyum" said mili. eh, bukanlah. i'm not a snob. maybe that recent attitude have got something to do with self-confidence. i just shut people off by not making any type of contact: eye, smile, body language. even lastnight at the bank, there were a couple of drag-queens hanging around & i guess they kinda like my hairdo, saying out loud "cantik la dia. cantik la dia." i should've at least smile at them, right? tapi aku buat pekak. like nobody was there, saying nothing. oh well. i'll try to remind myself next time to smile.
i can't wait for the day to end so i can straight go to the aquarium shop and get me a new REAL aquarium (because all these while i've been keeping my fishes in cookie jars).

hmmm...i'm on YM with 'hearts & he's not saying anything about his friends gathering this saturday.

berlari ke sudut

dan aku mula melangkah satu demi satu
mencari sudut yang tidak akan memuntahkan aku
suatu sudut yang akan memberi aku perlindungan
dari cahaya yang datang tercari-cari
terasa diri ku kecil, rendah dan kerdil
aku faham akan manusia sekeliling
yang sudah letih dengan bebel ku
yang tidak langsung memberi apa-apa keuntungan untuk mereka
mereka sudah sengaja memekakkan telinga
aku tidak mempersalahkan mereka
kerana hanya pada aku seorang
jari itu harus di tuding
adakah ketagihan yang melanda diri ku yang sesat ini?
mengapa aku masih mencari manusia
menuding jari kepada mereka
memburukkan mereka tanpa menghiraukan kebaikannya?

dan langkah ku mulai melaju
mula berlari-lari anak
mula berlari dangan pantas sampai sekitar menjadi kabur
kepada sudut yang sedang mendepa-kan tangannya
sudi menerima aku yang teresak-esak ini

-f.z.k.-

conservative in the kitchen

"u'r good enough to make people around u feel welcome & i bet u most of them would like to be ur friend. stop being paranoid. instead of telling anne that, now am telling u the same thing."

yang ini my other close girlfriend. yes. apparently i have only two very close girlfriends with the most different persona/attitude ever. it has always been like that. when i was in primary, in high school; i'm forever be the one stuck in the middle. but i'm honest in saying that you can see the both of them in me. no doubt. elle, is a very conservative being. she would like to study until she get whatever menara gading just to satisfy her own needs (she's a 4-flat student, mind you). she owns a good boyfriend & not planning on flirting with anyone else in the meantime just to checkout some other options. i guess you can say her life is somewhat like those wives we see on t.v. to picture the perfect american family. she cooks, bake nice cakes & muffins, wears apron in the kitchen, goes EVERYWHERE with her boyfriend, she bebels & suka tumpah-tumpahkan air. i totally love to tease her. she would scoff at certain wild stuff anne & i do sometimes. elle is the person i need to make me sane again, to scoff at myself when i'm being a klutz. but she's afraid of cats. instead, she'd rather sleep with an iguana. loco! auwwrr...but she just bought an angora mixed rabbit which is the cutest thing ever. but that's another story. always, i whine at her, saying that i'm no good at socializing (refer to the dialog above). it's true. most of my friends are my friends' friend. afraid of what the other party would think of me, i shut myself up. owh yes. i think too much of the consequences in every aspect. but anyway elle, i feel at ease when i read your comment. only the first 2 minutes. ngah!

it's hard to explain

i, myself is refusing to believe in it. tapi mungkin aku sudah tawar hati.

or maybe it's just PMS.

she's a remote control

& that's what keeping her sane. i'm not saying she's a control freak, but she likes to feel that way. we've been friends for about ten years now. had some ups & downs, joy & sorrow. the most important thing about anne, she knows what she wants & she's gonna work hard for it no matter what. i'm already proud of where she got herself now. she is that free-spirited person people wouldn't mind being around with. guys, wants her. girls, wants to practically be her. though she was in some bad relationships, i'm glad that in the end, she'll decide that life have to go on & there's not a single minute to waste. she's that hippie dreamer with passion to fulfill. by saying her icon is kerry bradshaw (yes. of that sex & the city series), u know what kind of a person i'm talking about. she is my shoulder to cry on, the lap that i turn to whenever i feel there's no one else to comfort me. plus, she's good with words like that of peppermint tea, cooling me down. whenever we get together, bizarre things will definitely happen, somehow. i accuse her of being the magnet. or maybe we just make a good 'bizarre-team'. despite her free-spirited persona, there are times when she's too paranoid of her surroundings. of what they might say. & always i ponder, why would she wanna feel that way? there's no need of that, anne. u are good the way u are. & nobody's perfect, remember? so stop trying to satisfy everyone & leave a little space for yourself.

is that a pyramid on your head, miss?

this is, apparently, my current hair. eh. i look like one of dilbert's comic character lah.

love hurts a little when you do it right?

lastnight, elle, dilly, RZ & i ate at precinct 8 for our break-fast. had maghrib at a garden-themed surau & later tarawih at the central mosque. confession: i've never been to solat raya nor tarawih before. so last night was a first for me.
but after that, we headed to laundry bar. i was hesitant but since i was not in a good state of mind, i needed to be around people. 'heart called yesterday evening & i blurted out what i read in his sent box. true, it wasn't his fault that aerial text-ed him. but the messages he replied to her was not convincing. he said: "u yg cakap i can do whatever i want." yes i did. i was emotionally distracted that i wasn't thinking logically straight. so, everything came spanking back to my face. when i off my phone just to avoid talking about it, he sms: "kenape off phone? pengecut je buat mcm tu." true, when he said i have always been searching for his fault. but why did i do that? i feel this love for him but i can't understand myself like this. i kept searching for his faults & there's just no way i can trust him. bukankah kalau kita mencintai seseorang itu, bermaksud kita memberi sepenuh kepercayaan kepada dia? but i couldn't. i kept menuding jari. i can't accept his periuk nasi (which also means mingle around local celebrities). so i said to him lastnight: "i can't take this anymore. let's just stop here." my mouth was trembling, somewhat refused to say it out loud because deep inside, there is still love. for him. for this relationship. for all those memories we have together.
as he sent me off to my friends, he said: "i'll be waiting for your call."

i came home, slept, woke up, drove to the office, now sitting in front of two LCDs & i don't have any intentions of calling him.

not again. not now

last night, while 'heart was sleeping on my bed, i had the urge to check on his phone in box. nothing suspicious. but not his sent box. there were a couple of sms addressed to aerial. the day he said he was out of credit. & i'm mad again. at no matter how many times i told him not to do it, he still does. after what happened, he should know how much i hated her. i told him of how i despise him befriending her. & that girl. the nerve! she's already engaged to 'heart's friend. & once again i'm in sorrow. i don't need these shits to ruin this year's aidilfitri like how it did last year. for the whole ramadhan, i didn't eat. my friends even accused me of being a bulimic. but not this year. please have mercy on me, 'heart.

what's the point of you came running back to me when u can't even keep your promises? 'heart, i'm tired of confronting u. just make up your mind so i can at least be in peace.

scary gum infection

yesterday, i skipped work. drove ridiculously to abah's clinic, somewhat 40mins from my place. had toothache for the past few days. when i arrived, nobody else was there except for abah & his nurse. i guess the business's quite slow in this fasting month. i indicated the toothache to him: atas bawah, belah kiri. he said i got cracked tooth. that's scary. macam reput ke? but he couldn't find anything on belah atas. then he said: "u need scaling." uh-oh. i hate that. because he'd then found out that i've been smoking histerically all these while. but somehow i've got a feeling that he knew; all 3 of us smokes. scaling was bad-ass sakit. hmmph. apparently, i have some gum infection: which is why my gums easily bleeds. infection. to me depicts: zombies, ulat sampah. self-note: do not miss the next dental check-up. anak dentist kena gigi lawa. so after scaling, he asked whether i needed an MC. acting like a very rajin daughter, i said: "tak tau la. kalau sempat ni, masuk ofis balik". haha. i didn't know they can just give u like a little letter on time off for the dentist. yeaaahhh. i wanted to ponteng the whole day. so, dengan malunya, i said: "i think i'll just take the day off". & i got the MC.

today, i'm in a 2-days QuarkExpress course. just out of boredom. & the version that we're currently using is from 1997/98. haha. undo boleh sekali je. ok. i'm off to class now!

a series of happenings

i was too lazy to type.

that awaited friday night, i still try to say hi to elm, but to no avail. but we had that weird connection again on the dance floor. is he mysteriously my dance-partner now? hmm..i had so much fun that night, since it was the last friday before the ramadhan. no. i strictly banned myself from going to clubs in this blissful month. for the dj competition, cart lost to the only rose among the thorns that night. well, she did good on her set anyway.
saturday, i was at home, waiting for heart's sms. i did my laundry, cleaned up a quarter mess of my room & just lay around, daydreaming while azuki was jumping to whatever occasion he was celebrating. it was only late in the afternoon did i get an sms from heart saying he was to pick me up another 30mins for a friend's engagement, downtown. on the way to her place, i was emotionally distracted of a reason that i, myself couldn't recognize. aah.. i guess it was one of those days... heart kept asking what was wrong, but i just dunno how to answer him. but my friends engagement party was beautiful. strangers would've mistaken it as a wedding reception!
we went home early because the next day, i was involved in a treasure hunt organized by some community centre. the questions was extremely fucking hard when we thought the treasure hunt was supposed for rookies. honestly, i wanted to throw a chair at the organizer when he told us about how to find the answers. but overall, it was fun & we might wanna join the next teasure hunt. later, anne came with her current singing-group-of-boys for the event.
that same sunday afternoon, i asked around for elm's contact number.

lunch monday, he called. *big grin across face
& i acted foolish. like a total KAYGEEEE!!
but yesterday evening, he called again. *bigger grin across face

lapsap the forth coming

it was great because at last, elle joined in the fun.i brought mili along & found out she's been taking alcohol all these while. i said no, not when she's partying with me. kas-kas was stunningly beautiful. & there was elm. after saying out loud my thoughts to him, i decided to say hi the next time i see him. but my mouth was zipped up. weirdly, we danced the night away, next to each other. it was when mr. puah & 5ft played some old cantonese song that we laughed, looking at each other thinking of how silly the song goes.

elm, thanks for the mute-dance-floor-conversation. overall, i had fun & couldn't wait for friday to come. anne, u have to come to the next lapsap session.