money talks, bullshit walks

the other night, i was forced by anne to join her business preview in the city. she won't sit still pestering me about her new valuable discovery so i had to say yes to her invitation. okay. 30% of me wanted to know what's the buzz about. as we reached the floor where the preview was held, i felt uneasy. the place was full of corporate looking people and i have this thing about crowded places with unfamiliar faces. senang cerita, i hate the atmosphere. all the time, i kept telling myself, "hey, i shouldn't be this negative. just give this thing a chance. maybe it's worth it." around 8.30pm, we walked in the hall where the preview was done and it was already half-filled. they estimated the audience about a thousand that night. anne's other business partners walked around with this big positive sign on their head. being in the hall, i felt like as if i was attending some kind of a cult's gathering. terlalu banyak aura positif in the air, it's eerie. and they played the future's video on the large screen in front. fakta-fakta yang dihujahkan agak merisaukan dan juga separuh menakutkan. anggaran tentang kemungkinan besar, 10 tahun akan datang, orang-orang berpendapatan RM10,000 akan dilabelkan antara orang-orang bertaraf rendah. overall, the preview was good. tapi buat hati aku gusar. ya, aku yang ignorant ini.
so my colleagues and i were smoking outside the office just now and i suddenly popped the question:
"are you happy with what you are right now? do you think you can achieve what you want and need in say, 5 years time?"

sumpah aku goyang after attending the preview. both of my colleagues were silenced by my question. "owh. itu hari aku checkout business preview." mereka menarik nafas lega pasal aku bukan jenis orang yang suka nak pop killer questions. statement 'bila ada duit, choices are yours' sememangnya betul. kalau kita tidak ada duit, skop pilihan kita kecil. for an example, you only have RM5 for lunch so either you go to the mamak stall or get nasi campur. itu pun lauk kene budget. if you have RM20 for lunch, you can checkout any fast food restaurants or makanan yang lebih menyelerakan dari makanan mamak. alaa, you get the idea right? okay. let's talk about savings. in 10 years time, nilai duit akan naik. jadi macam mana kamu save pun, sama sahaja. faham? macam ini: sekarang se-tin Coke RM1.50, in 5 years time boleh mencecah RM5. so, if in 10 years time your savings reaches RM50, 000, the value is just the same as RM10, 000. lebih kurang begitulah. now it got you thinking right? always they say, it's not the money that matters. itu dulu. sekarang semuanya duit. nak kahwin pun, melafazkan cinta sejati, perlu ada duit. to live your passion, you've got to have the dough. nak fly to amsterdam kena ada dough, mate. by the time i have RM5000, the airfare will be more expensive than today's. tapi ada sesuatu yang aku agak gusar tentang business preview malam isnin lepas. honestly, i don't have that amount of money for me to start the business. conclusion: loan. i'm not confident with loans. bukannya RM100-200. thousands weih. and currently i have debts too. contemplations. complications. another fact is, i don't like to be pestered doing the stuff that i don't like. when i'm ready, i'll join the business. kalau tak, tak lah. aku masih ada banyak lagi perkara remeh yang perlu difikirkan.

jangan judgmental sangat

i have a couple of favourite words that i use randomly, kadang-kadang berulang kali. kadang-kadang (sometimes) adalah salah satu word itu. mungkin (maybe). sekarang, di waktu ini (currently, at the moment). because we might never know what's gonna happen in the future. i'm a bit paranoid of my own words coming back to me, hitting me straight in the face. i don't want to get involved with situations like:

"eleh. dulu kau sibuk dengan capitalism, independent this and that. look at yourself now."

or

"i thought you hated gays. why are you dating one now?"

dudes and dudettes, we really can't predict the future. so better be careful of the words that'll be coming out of your mouth. if you don't like something, say it nicely. jangan menuduh melulu. aku tahu kamu berkobar-kobar menegakkan fahaman kamu. tapi mungkin kamu boleh cuba jaga hati mereka sekeliling. ya. manusia rambut sama hitam, hati dia kan lain-lain. don't be too judgmental. like i said before, lambat-laun kamu akan jadi EXACTLY macam orang yang kamu pertikaikan, those people you love to judge so much. i used to really hate skateboarders but i ended up with one. tapi itu cerita lepas. karma slapped me hard in the face with my own judgmental words.

jadi, kalau tak suka, diam-diam sudah. tak perlu dikhabarkan pada seluruh alam.
owh. 'tak suka' juga antara salah satu favourite words aku. and 'sabar je lah'.

ha'ah. mungkin aku dari species atas pagar.

redhead

contoh matsalleh rambut merah with freckles yang aku suka.

Name: Shaun White
Gender: Male
Hometown: Carlsbad, California
Date of Birth: September 3, 1986
Occupation: Pro Skateboarder, Pro Snowboarder
Began Skating: 1993
First Sponsored: 2003
Turned Pro: 2003
Favored Discipline: Vert
Stance: Regular
#1 Sponsor: Burton
Nickname: Flying Tomato

but i prefer to think him as a snowboarder. because if i take him as a skateboarder, macam potong. entah. naluri.

a forever boy

i love boys.
their boyish smiles.
their boyish smell.
their boyish attentiveness.

i dislike men.
they are ignorant.
egoist.
ambitious.

so i've decided
whenever my boy turns to a man,
i'll get myself another boy.

-fzk-

and i shall struggle the ocean for a boy
who will always stays a boy.

these filthy feelings

aah. i still have a couple of tattoos to get rid off. perlu dihakis kasar dengan sebilah pisau. let it bleed and hurt so later it won't hurt anymore. pasal sudah kebas. because then, the tattoos won't be there anymore and everything will be forgotten. i'll become neutral once again.
weekend, i've been contemplating with myself. i'm happy. ada butir-butir excited, always changing colours: warm fuzzy ones. but why am i so pissed on stuff he's doing? why do i STILL have to care? i'm ignorant too. benci dengan perasaan yang jahat. aku benci bila aku moody. benci okay? bukan 'tak suka'.

oh Tuhan. i'm asking for your forgiveness and to lessen this filthy feelings inside of me. jealousy and revenge weakens me. buatkan hati aku bersih dari unsur-unsur negatif sesungguhnya aku sudah penat mempunyai perasaan ini. please make me strong so i can face my coming days and be a better person with a good heart.





tapi john, i like it how you held my hand just to pass me a sip of self-esteem. whenever my hand is in yours, i wouldn't mind drowning. let's drown again. life seems much better underwater.

undilah daft punk

kenapa masih ada di luar sana yang tidak dapat menerima daft punk? or jamiroquai?

kenapa weih?
kamu rugi.

hope it's not her last sitting

yeah. i had to agree with the photographer, bert stern on choosing lindsay lohan to re-portray marilyn monroe's The Last Sitting (a series of erotic photographs taken 6-weeks before she was found dead). i have a thing for matsalleh, red-head, freckles. and attitude like miss lohan? makes it perfect.

hmm...kalau badan aku cantik macam mereka, teringin juga shoot foto erotik begini.

click five

owh. aku di tagged oleh sarah. :)

1. list 5 or 50 of your favourite links.
2. tag another 5 or 50 other people. and inform them.

gmail.com - jobstreet rajin hantar aku job vacancies. but most of them requires chinese language knowledge. spoken/written.

wikipedia.org - seronok. everything's there. sometimes i spend a little too much time on wikipedia. klik itu ini.

dictionary.com - i'm not good in my english. you get the idea.

blogger.com - pasal myspace, friendster, facebook dan yang mana-mana website labeled under dating services sudah di banned at my work place. tsk.

veoh.com - pasal youtube pon kena banned. it was stage6.com previously, but they had to shutdown the website due to high expenses maintaining the website. jadi mereka mengesyorkan veoh.com.

5 is enough kan? okay. so it's my turn now to tag another 5 blogger.

ben donnie - pasal aku nak tengok ayam suka checkout website apa.

downtrodden - ahahahahaha..

hanum - mesti ada website tentang photography.

mills - owh. come on. do this, okay?

scorchys - only nice, general website. no lucah-lucah, okay?

and don't forget to jot down the name of the person who tagged you. that's right. senandung konspirasi.

hati dia yang melukis, hati aku yang menangis

"close your eyes."
he took my left hand gently and guided me between white walls to an open space.
"okay."


bright colours, painting as tall as an express bus, stood in front of me. i turned to him and said "spare me the details of this mural." ada nombor, ada rumah, ada daisy, ada mimpi, ada curiga, ada perasaan. i was speechless as my eyes darted from a detail to another. last night, time was on my side to just sit and stare at john's artwork. earlier i asked if i can come and have a look before the launching day because i know i'll feel uneasy staring at the painting with the place filled with unfamiliar people. tiba-tiba ada satu macam perasaan develop dalam diri. macam sebak tapi bukan. hati aku bisik "jangan keluar. not now." to be thinking a guy climbed a ladder to paint you, is awesome enough. macam ada ribut kecil dalam badan. i'm not good in giving comments since most of the time i like things the way they are. he asked if i wanted to add anything but i said it's his artwork, everything on the wall should just come from him. from his point of view. just like this blog of mine, everything from my personal point of view. before i drove home, we had a quick chat about us. there was something john said that made me stare up at the lamp post in front of us. cahaya yang samar-samar antara dahan pokok-pokok di bahu jalan yang menjadi saksi kepada celoteh kami sejak beberapa hari yang lalu. mata aku developed a thin layer of glass. i didn't dare look down, takut kaca-kaca halus itu pecah and cause a scene. but as i drove away, lighting up a cigarette, angin yang masuk melalui tingkap menerjah, memecahkan kaca-kaca itu. and as i'm typing these words, i still haven't found what made those small tears berani keluar.

maybe it was john's painting.
maybe those hidden feelings i had folded neatly inside.
maybe because aku terlalu sayang pada dia.
maybe the thought of this wonderful feeling might end one fine day.
maybe how we've given up on mending things.

alah. mungkin habuk kot.

nombor lapan yang 'ong'

Here's something you should do when you've got nothing else better to do.
List eight (8) random facts about yourself.
Tag 8 people at the end of your post and list their names.


1. i have this habit of taking off the label on my sampoerna box. you know the sticker on the side? i always take off all of it instead tear just a little bit. and i don't like crumpling the foil inside. it's neater if you fold it nicely.

2. i always wear my seat-belt. driving or not. because i don't want to waste my RM300 for a stupid fine. i don't know why my friends make a big deal out of it. besides, it's for your own safety.

3. i like switching off unused lights/fans. pasal mak selalu bebel. if i passed by an empty meeting room and the lights are on, tangan rasa gatal nak switch off.

4. juling air. tapi tidak merisaukan pasal ramai perempuan cantik juling air: kate moss, penelope cruz, rita rudaini, catherine zeta jones, ziana zain. dan aku rabun ayam (rabun di waktu malam). fortunately, aku tak berkokok di waktu pagi.

5. i don't bebel when i'm mad. instead i just shut myself up. and when i can't stand it anymore, i shout. i always have this image of an angry cheetah in my head whenever i shout out. owh. aku panas baran juga. sometimes.

6. cynical, bitter, very very sarcastic. i don't know where that came from because none of my parents are sarcastic. same goes to my brother but my sister is developing the same skills. congratulations!

7. i think too much. and apparently more on the negative side. but i'm learning to think positively now. but then again, i'm quite a slow learner.

8. when i'm depressed, i switch off my mobile phone and sleep. not that everything's going to be fine when i wake up but it' a good rest. tidur dalam jangkamasa yang lama, bangun, capai rokok. and the brain starts working out things.

9. a hopeless romantic. hopeless gila babi.

eh. just 8 stuff lah. alang-alang, add #10: i suck at mathematics.


okay. you people just tag yourselves lah. i'm indecisive.

chill yo!

chill'ing·ly adv., chill'ness n.

Our Living Language : In the 1980s and 1990s, chill gained currency as a slang term meaning "to relax, calm down." It is first recorded in 1979 and comes from Black English slang, which has frequently been a source of slang and informal words in Standard English, often through the medium of various African-American musical styles (in this case, rap and hip-hop).


no boundaries. no strings attached. no more endless arguments. no more murderous jealousy. no more stalking. no more motherfucken assumptions.
happy thoughts. happy thoughts. happy thoughts.

chill yo!

or of course there's this word called 'pretend'.

jealousy is unhealthy

standing in the middle of this open field with wild daisies swaying in harmony, the wind plays gently, swinging her cotton dress, clinking the small bells on her earrings to each other. inhaling deeply the scent of the ocean in the air, she closes her eyes and put the tip of her index finger inside her mouth. she then held up the wet index finger up in the air while listening to the whispering wind. slowly, her lips curved into a smile.

her friend, the wind, whispered in a very sweet calm tone;
"the wind of jealousy is heading your way. be strong, my dear for jealousy is unhealthy."