perasaan itu sudah hilang

we've never celebrated valentine's. i totally forgot it's february the 14th today. if we're still together, still in love, today would be our 4th year anniversary. the usual dinner, the gift exchange and later the so called love bonding. but not this year, not today i guess. 'heart said he waited for me to call him up and wish him which i didn't because we've never celebrated valentine's and since we're on a time off, there's no reason why i should be calling him and excitedly say "happy 4th anniversary!". risau juga aku. have i become that heartless? memang aku ni dah terus tawar hati ke? yesterday i was on leave because the night before i had sushi and it didn't do good to my stomach (maybe plus the butterflies, no?), threw up twice and fever came to stay. i was at peace, just lying there in my bed. no whines from 'heart. i should've just stayed at home today but i forgot it's the 14th because i know there'll be a lot more of whines later today.
last tuesday night, i unbuilt a quarter of my walls and called john. asked if it was okay to see him the same night. he said "yeah" and continuously asked me to attend his upcoming exhibition. i told him of course i'll come. i'm excited for a friend.

"you have to come. it's for you." john tahu cara cairkan aku. biasalah. orang seni. and as we bid goodbye to each other, he kissed my hand, sending an electric shock through my spine. cerita kami macam movie kan? john dan aku adalah mimpi, artwork yang dia buat waktu awal perkenalan kami. artwork dari hati, kata john. perasaan ini (cinta ke?) is what i've been dreaming about. since i was a naive virgin and i'm still dreaming of it. alas, i'm feeling it. but again, isn't it all too fast? and what am i supposed to do with 'heart? right now, the only wise decision is for me to leave both and go home empty handed.

an sms to a friend: "yang dikejar tak dapat, yang dikendong doesn't make me happy."

i'm safe behind these walls

"ni point crush. yang ni point jatuh cinta. i'm in the middle of these two points now."

aku perhatikan gerak-geri jari telunjuk john atas meja makan yang hanya diterangi cahaya lilin. gerai makan yang comel di bahu padang bola, lilin di setiap meja. john kata romantik. orang seni memang macam ini ke, aku fikir. anne said: artistics are romantics. haha. siang hari yang sama, john lead me to taman tasik titiwangsa. so kepada kamu semua, hari minggu yang lalu, aku 'dating'. as dodgy as it sounds like: titiwangsa, candle lit dinner. nasib baik nothing happened among those bushes at titiwangsa. kidding..kidding.. john berper-watak-an aneh. mungkin orang seni memang macam ini, aku selalu fikir. aku dan dia, mempunyai perwatakan yang seakan-akan sama: arrogant, ignorant, selfish. funny. in the early stages he decided we should just be close friends. i said friends with secret desires. sumpah aku tak mengharapkan apa-apa. i was like this naive person who've never been in lust or love, had no idea what to expect from whatever's going on. i'm not sure myself if john actually thought that i was serious about getting involve with him. i'm having a time-off here. another relationship is of course the last thing i'd be considering about. is this right? the night before we went out together, we hung out and i brought anne along though somehow i know she's the last person i should bring to meet any guys that i like. she have this crazy idea of provoking them with straight forward questions. anne, nasib baik kau duduk jauh dari aku or your legs would get sore from continous kickings. she told them about me and my invisible walls to which i said: "hish. manade. manade." seperti biasa, in denial. but as john expressed his feelings yang jujur itu (mungkin jujur, mungkin he just wants the sex after anne brainwashed him about me being sexual in every aspects of life which of course, not true), aku mula ke belakang, belakang, belakang dan menyusun langkah laju meninggalkan john dengan perasaannya. aku hidupkan enjin kereta, cari kedai hardware dan beli seguni simen. pulang ke rumah, aku memulakan kerja biasa: simenkan batu-bata untuk dinding invisible aku. yang indah itu hanya sementara. aku rasa perasaan yang indah itu dalam tiga saat pertama waktu john berkongsi perasaannya dengan aku. rasa macam masa al hulurkan tuala kecil yang di-spray ubat bius kemudian aku inhale dalam-dalam. rasa macam beribu ball bearing melonjak-lonjak dalam badan. pagi isnin, aku masih cool with everything. john text me saying he got an exhibition at the city's art centre. then 'heart spark me up. i was lost in my own mimpi lucid, let the feelings geli-gelikan hati aku, aku terlupa masih ada sesuatu yang belum selesai. sebenarnya sudah selesai, tapi aku pun tak tahu apa yang membuatkannya masih tergantung, terkapai-kapai. 'heart said he needs to breath me to stay alive. so in the midst of happy flirtatious phone messages between john and i, suddenly i went:

"john, kita hanya friends with secret desires, right?"
"why?" john bagai terkedu. dan aku biarkan soalannya tergantung begitu sahaja.

sebab, macam mana kamu buat aku rasa bahagia, teruja, angau pun, i've decided yang kita sudah terlajak. purpose kita berkenalan adalah hanya untuk infatuasi. untuk aku bagi semangat pada kamu, untuk kamu buat aku rasa bahagia, butterflies in my stomach; suatu perasaan yang sudah lama aku tidak rasa. these guilty pleasures yang buat aku tersengih macam orang dungu sambil menggigit jari. falling for each other tidak ada dalam agenda hidup kita.
ok, john. nice knowing you. but i have to get back to my walls now.

a spotless mind

the truth is, i really love 'heart. from the bottom of my heart. this time off that we are having made me miss him. reminds me of those good things we used to have. it was all my fault from the beginning of the relationship. i'm not sure if i am what you call a keeper because i lack of the things a keeper needs. i was the one who made 'heart felt insecure and thus, he tried to soothe his insecurity. what i see from this relationship i had with him, things kept bouncing back. me to him, him to me and i wonder if it will ever stop. there must be something wrong with me that he had secret affairs, right? and there must be something wrong that he did which led me to stray away from the relationship. i am that person who are so lack of self-confidence that everyone else are much much perfect than me. i don't know how i can boost up my own self confidence. the reason i need this time off is because if ever we're going to start over again, we need to start fresh. i need to clear up my mind, my cold heart.

does anyone have dr. howard's number? the guy who have all the machines to erase unwanted memories in our head in 'eternal sunshine of a spotless mind'. but the movie itself made a point that even how hard we try to change or forget things, our destiny have already been written in the big book of life. destiny, will always be destiny. no point changing it.

morning after

dan lewat pagi ini
seperti hari-hari biasa yang lain
wangimu masih di sisi
bisikmu buat aku tersenyum
dan aku teringat akan semalam

lalu hari ini sangat asing
bukan yang sama aku lalui
hanya khayalmu yang tinggal
membuat aku tersentap sedu
lagu ini aku ulik buatmu

why do you have to leave
the reasons were impossible
love, come here to bed
come and belong to me

janji aku setulus hati
se-erat genggam tanganku
sedalam nama yang aku ukir
di lantai konkrit kamar ini
waktu kamu masih cinta kuat

why do you have to leave
come and belong to me again.

-f.z.k.-

i was browsing around my old blog account and came across this. bila baca balik, i thought, not bad. haha. well, it's up to you people to judge.

every sin leaves a mark

monday meeting, i was sitting across the boss and saw he had a silver chain around his neck. i thought maybe he's an undercover mafia and whether he have tattoos all over his body. and an image of Viggo Mortensen sitting on the couch with only his underpants on (fuh. berpeluh aku) came across my mind. ha ha. so elle, dana, jude & i watched Eastern Promises last night at the (how many stars, again?) mall. it was a good movie, good plot, with some funny dialogues and a scene where Viggo Mortensen lebih dari separuh bogel. he's hot, huh? you should check out Munich. a very good movie too.


on saturday, after a couple of years, i went out with a guy. we walked around the twin tower mall, talking, smoking and checkout some sneakers. john was very talkative. he likes to talk. he got beautiful eyes that i can't help thinking about kissing them. dan jambang yang buat aku gemuruh. but the date made us realize that we were just each other's infatuation. which was fine by me because of course, didn't it all went to fast? i told mill that by this week everything will get back to normal mode. and apparently john's ex-wife is my ex's girlfriend after me. the city is getting smaller day by day and i hate it. we had relationship conversations and john insisted on me getting back with 'heart. i was pissed because i think i had enough pressure from him and i don't think i need any addition from someone i'm curious to be kissing with. 'heart had been sending messages on death and such. dude, kita semua belum bersedia untuk mati. jangan dipermainkan soal mati. and now it's my fault right? MEMANG PUN. i'm fucken pissed with the situation that i feel like shutting myself up, alone in a secluded corner, somewhere where people don't know me. why can't he understand? i'm not fully healed yet. from the previous wounds. "weeping wounds that never heal" so sang Placebo. all i need is just some time off. that's all. janganlah terburu-buru. anyway, 'heart, i'm glad you know how it feels like to be really heart broken. been there, done that.

angin rerama

petang yang suram
aku berjalan
mengheret berat kaki
tapi tidak bertuju
langit yang kelabu
bak warna konkrit
membuahkan suatu perasaan

lalu hinggap seekor rerama
di bahu kiri
sayapnya hijau biru kuning
bergetar memberi petanda
sukar untuk aku fahami
persoalan yang tiada jawapan

hei misteri
angin apa ini
buat aku sejuk
buat aku terlalu ingin tahu
mengorek rahsia
tak keruan mencari penyelesaian

jantung ku berdebar
bak getaran sayap si rerama

misteri apa ini?
dan...


kenapa aku tersengih bodoh?

-f.z.k.-

this valentine

butterflies everywhere

do you still remember that time when you fell in love? or so you thought. but you were obviously head-over-heel over that person and you can't help smiling foolishly to yourself. butterflies flew everywhere inside you. any physical contacts shivered you like an electric buzz. daydreaming was like the agenda of every minute of the day. you can't wait to tell your friends about just the slightest, smallest sweet things that person did for you. do you still remember those days? that giddy feeling?

i think i'm feeling it now. and i'm enjoying every bit of it.

"john, i'm really curious on how your lips would taste like."

m u n g k i n a n t i

shuffle your music player

the system froze again. and all other online entertainment sites have been blocked once AGAIN.
'Dear all, I can understand your pain regarding access to certain sites.
The new firewall installed by the next door mother company now allows a blanket block on all sites NOT relevant to production. Having said this it also allows for individual sites to be unblocked as we customize it. Please bear with IT as they work on this. It also allows to monitor usage and dependent on mis-use during working productive hours, certain sites which have been continually abused will be blocked.A. At the same time we do appreciate if you have to communicate. Certain sites, which affect our bandwidth and delivery of data to clients, will be blocked. For example FaceBook and YouTube. I'm sure IT are available to discuss this. Just thought some communication was necessary as it was new to me also that restrictions had taken place. - the boss'

so this is the out come.

Put Your Player On Shuffle And Answer The Questions With The Song You Got.
Don't Cheat, Even If It Doesn't Sound Right!

What Song Do You Play When You Are...

Happy
Air (Ben Folds Five)

Sad
No Shelter (Rage Against The Machine)

Depressed
Graveland (H.I.M.)

In Love
Damaged Goods (Gang of Four)

Missing Someone
Squeal (No Doubt)

Having A Bad Day
Good (Talib Kweli feat Kanye West)

Trying To Go To Sleep
Blow Out (Radiohead & Portishead)

Really Really Hyper
Never Be Alone (Simian vs J.U.S.T.I.C.E.)

Having Your First Birthday
Queer (Garbage)

Going Out With Your First BF/GF
Can't Fall Asleep (Zimpala)

Getting Proposed To...
Fistful of Sand (The Bravery)

Getting Married
Faster Pussycat Kill (Paul Oakenfold feat Brittany Murphy)

When You/Wife Having Your First Kid
Positive Tension (Bloc Party)

gila bosan. bila nak pukul 7 ni?

the aftermath of taking a break

friday didn't start that good. we had an argument. i was the one who started it. i told 'heart i had enough. my mind was going crazy. i was scared of myself. those psycho girlfriends who wouldn't let their partners to be friends with other girls, who control most of their partners' daily activities: i was becoming one of them though refuse to be among them. my previous aches were not fully healed. i have become paranoid, with burning jealousy and full of hate. i need a break from all these. but 'heart wasn't helping. he said he could change, make things better for me. he said that before but it's all the same. my emotions are sore and my mind's tired. setahun aku sabar tapi malangnya, aku terlalu lemah untuk bersabar lagi. salah aku yang masih mengungkit. only because everything's connected. it's not that i'm not sorry. i am. sad, that this is what's becoming of a relationship that i trusted to stay for a long time. maybe forever. this time, it's my heart that i have to listen to. i had to be selfish. just this once. don't question keikhlasan kalau dalam masa yang sama kau memaksa aku untuk masih di sini. let me heal. if you really love me like you said so, you'll wait right? i still love you. so very much. but being with you currently, is making everything worse. we both need this break. but if at the same time you still do whatever stuff that creates this mess, then there's no point anymore.
last week, i met a guy on the internet. a friend of a friend. a very artsy-fartsy person. also a son of a local known artist. i was fascinated by john. he got this dirty bad boy look and conversation with him makes me smile sheepishly. terngiang di telinga aku pendapat anne dan al: "kau memang suka bad boys hanging out by the bar kan?" which i denied. of course. my middle name is 'denial'. so, yeah. there's just something about the mysterious air surrounding them. in two days time, john got me excited. for no particular reason. and after a long time, i'm sexually attracted to some stranger. no kucing-love business here. he got me thinking of how it would feel to be tasting his lips. he got me parked far away from the toll booth that i had to get out of my car to pay for the toll fees. padah banyak sangat berangan. heee...but, i also have another middle name: 'deep shit'. yesterday lunch, i got a call from a woman who turned out to be, john's mom. gila. i refused her request of conversation by telling her that i was busy cooking lunch (right.) and maybe she'd change her mind after that to call me later. but i guess she was really serious about it because 45mins later, she called again. from her first call, i guess her intention was to stop me befriending him to avoid bad influence yada, yada, yada. but she didn't. instead, the reason she called was to ask me guide john in a good way. kind of depending on me to lead him there. she gave me a lecture on youths nowadays are so ignorant of what's happening around them, that they should work out to get the best of the country and that if we're still bergoyang kaki, the country might end up like Bosnia. sigh. the things i get myself into. apparently, john's a divorcee and his mom said something about some bad-intentioned person putting some black-magic spell on him. and i'm supposed to get him out of his depression mode in a good way. to always turn to God instead of alcohol and happy pills. aunty, sebenarnya saya pun tidaklah sebaik mana, saya rasa saya tidak mampu untuk berbuat sedemikian. but i said okay because i just had to get off the phone. 5mins later, she sms me to not tell john about the phone call. sesuai. owh. i think she got my number from john's sister's phone because he sent me a message using her number. john, why didn't you delete the sent message? now i wish that his mom would just tell me to stop contacting him instead of this. i'm no good with parents. 'heart always had to drag me to his family's house because always, i'd make up excuses to avoid coming over. now this? i guy that i just met last week and his mom's calling me already?? i asked mili if it's a sign to just stick to whatever's here for me and she said: "no. it's a new step. a step to your most avoided zone: parents." i'm skeptical about her opinion. but i'm still thinking about john and his lips. his mom should've been a major turn-off, right? right? right???

we can't always get what we want. but maybe the things that we already have are the ones that we really need.

the over-socialized leftist

'The moral code of our society is so demanding that no one can think, feel and act in a completely moral way. For example, we are not supposed to hate anyone, yet almost everyone hates somebody at some time or other, whether he admits it to himself or not. Some people are so highly socialized that the attempt to think, feel and act morally imposes a severe burden on them. In order to avoid feelings of guilt, they continually have to deceive themselves about their own motives and find moral explanations for feelings and actions that in reality have a non-moral origin. We use the term "oversocialized" to describe such people'

extracts from the Unabomber Manifesto

technology is the new way to destructions

Pernah baca 'the Unabomber Manifesto'? it's very long and i only managed to read only a quarter of it before getting distracted by work or nature's call. if i'm not mistaken, the whole idea of the Unabomber Manifesto was about technology and what's not good about it. Theodore Kaczynski was a professor who despised technology that he once lived in a house with no electricity, no water and had to hunt for his food. he personally thought that technology will destroy how our society works and will also decrease self-esteem. no. this entry is not about anarchism or not even near political. but yeah. technology is sometimes unhealthy. been there, done that. too much of myspace (that's a part of technology, right?) is bad for your health. it's easier to send around someone's nude pictures using email or mobile phone (two very important devices of technology). and blogging. all you have to do is type some nasty words about something or a person, sit back, count to 10 and smile to the stir you have managed to create. technology makes life easier. technology kills, too. please google up those koreans who died because of sitting too long in front of the computer. i have to agree with this line from the manifesto:

'By "feelings of inferiority" we mean not only inferiority feelings in the strictest sense but a whole spectrum of related traits: low self-esteem, feelings of powerlessness, depressive tendencies, defeatism, guilt, self-hatred, etc. We argue that modern leftists tend to have such feelings (possibly more or less repressed) and that these feelings are decisive in determining the direction of modern leftism.'

anyway, this is a self-centered blog right? so, it's all about me, right?

macam ni lah. i hate myspace. i hate it when i found out about stuff that i'm not supposed to find out on myspace. me and 'heart continuously argue because of myspace. tapi dulu kami berhubung melalui friendster...