owh Tuhan

kenapa perlu secubit hati ini masih ada melekat pada dia yang ignorant itu?
semangat aku ini perlu disemai supaya jadi kuat.

Kamu tolong ya, Tuhan?
aku berlutut-sujud di sini.

chemistry yang tak membosankan

we had the usual late-night-in-car conversations over the weekend. i like having conversations with john.j. macam banyak saja yang perlu diperkatakan. even though we have quite a number of resemblances, what we talked about are much interesting than the previous conversations i had with some other guys. "aku rasa kita dah semakin serasi." i agreed in silence. dalam kepala aku bermain pelbagai perkataan yang kemudiannya membentuk soalan-soalan dengan beberapa pilihan jawapan yang cuma perlu dipadankan. tapi seperti aku katakan tadi, mereka bermain-main padahal jawapannya sudah ada right under the nose. owh. i'm in deep shit pasal i think i'm currently deep in love. i know! perkataan yang terlalu heavy, right? friday night, anne menyuarakan pendapatnya: "senangnya jadi kau. you just follow your heart, like, to hell what people around you says." of course. it's something that you like, why do you have to think about other people's feelings? if you're lucky, you're gonna get hooked on that person you like, bukan orang-orang di sekeliling kau. jadi, kalau kau rasa apa yang kau sedang lakukan itu betul, degilkan hati dan pekakkan saja telinga. so what if the person that you have a crush on bukanlah antara orang favourite in this city? sedangkan pembunuh pun ada kekasih, anne. just follow your heart but of course, ada risikonya. kau selalu kata yang mengelilingi aku adalah dinding konkrit yang tebal. kita semuanya ada dinding personal masing-masing, mungkin stainless steel mahupun senipis latex kondom. dan aku benci john.j pasal dia suka tarik batu-bata aku satu-persatu. entah ilmu mana dia pakai. "you know, i always fall for hard-to-handle guys. for instance, artists like you. girls go head-over-heels over guys like you people because artists are deep and passionate people. buat hati perempuan geli-geli suka. i don't find 'heart hot as a skateboarder instead i found him hot as a photographer." a personal statement from my point of view. kelemahan aku: lelaki-lelaki yang side femininnya lebih terserlah. not a complete hetero, tapi masih ada ciri-ciri yang kadang-kadang tanpa disedari muncul dengan tidak sengaja: "emm, muka berminyak, tak cakap pun." ya, john.j yang mengada-ngada. mungkin kekurangan sifat feminin dalam diri aku which made me attracted to guys like these? i'm not sure myself. tapi kan, keserasian yang sangat-sangat pun agak membimbangkan aku.

agak uh.

vectorized tyutnik

moot!

this is what i have been working on since 10.30am this morning. aww. sayang dia.

i'd lick pharrell anytime

yezzir!

pharrell williams was in hong kong yesterday. check out the ice cream store. cool huh?

a box for you

this is the box
i made for you

it's not round
and i'm not perfect

this is the box
i want you to own it

it's made of brown cardboard
and easy to be crushed

this is the box
where you can keep things

it's nothing special
but it's a gift of heart

this is the box
and i'm inside



i am this box
and you own me.

-fzk-

nyah-kan

air yang jatuh menimpa ubun kepala
diwaktu pagi subuh tadi
buat aku terkejut lalu statik

1...2...3...

bangkit!
aduh!
masa-masa yang lampau apa yang aku untung?
kosong
rugi banyak dalam diri, luar ini

ini sifatnya yang perlu aku nyah-kan
ini sifatnya yang tidak perlu aku kawan-kan
pergi!
mampus!
jadi selama ini aku hanya bahan ketawa, bukan?

nah!
aku sudah bangkit
dan kamu, wahai penghuni kota durjana

jaga kamu.

-fzk-

jatuh katil

aku terduduk di bahu jalan. bau tar yang warnanya gelap masih kuat. tapak tangan kanan aku rabakan ke lutut. ada luka. ada rasa pedih.

ya. aku telah jatuh.

luka yang ada rasa pedih. tapi aku tidak menangis. pipi aku yang gebu ini, yang kamu selalu geram untuk mencubitnya, tidak basah dengan air mata. mata aku tidak merah, muka aku tidak buruk dengan mimik muka yang sedih.

kerana aku sudah jatuh.

this morning, i rolled on my bed and fell off on the right side of it.

a good morning vision

(10:50 AM) nikolay tyutyunnik: every morning i try to appreciate things that i have
(10:50 AM) nikolay tyutyunnik: i'm starting to feel it coming back to me
(10:50 AM) nikolay tyutyunnik: hehe
(10:50 AM) isaa: hehehehe
(10:50 AM) isaa: cool
(10:51 AM) isaa: every morning
(10:51 AM) isaa: i tell myself not to drive like a mad woman
(10:51 AM) isaa: i might kill myself
(10:51 AM) nikolay tyutyunnik: WAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

stepping stone. maybe

remember the fliers i did for the katapult series (gvs:p)? it was a last minute job given to me mid february and i did one design with four different colours for each week. last friday, zaskat pm-ed me up saying to come to micro's launching party on saturday. he said: "raymond nak kenal dengan you." ya. raymond, si cina hot yang buat kami anak-anak gadis kota rasa macam geli-geli everytime tengok gerak-geri dia. i'm talking about geli-geli suka/gedik. since it was 4th april when zaskar messaged me that day, i thought it was just a prank. "april fool dah lepas laa, makcik oi!" alaa, aku perlu berhati-hati untuk mengelakkan unsur-unsur perasan sendiri. then he explained: "he saw the fliers you did for katapult and he likes it. so he's interested in meeting you up to design his upcoming stuff." wah! if i were to be given the chance to choose over sleeping or doing business with raymond, i'll choose the business. superstar dj, dude. but when i look over my katapult fliers, biasa saja. maybe he was high at that time? or maybe he was listening to a tune that suited the flier? i'm not sure myself. but i'm sure excited about it *jumping up & down.

tapi belum confirm lagi. pasal belum meeting pun. that saturday night he was tired from the session plus the europe tour. so you people better pray i get this job. pray hard, okay?

tyutnik

moot!

okay. this is my first ever painting on canvas. when it was done, sayang pula untuk di-overlap-kan. but it was a good first try, huh? it was quite a relief. thanks to john.j for the therapy plus the chance to play around with his working tools.

the universe and the drain

it's weird how the person whom you used to cuddle with, sent you shivers up your spine and catered to your needs whenever you felt lost seemed so far away yet they're just standing in front of you. you were the one who used to fill his emptiness and you were always the one who made him smile whenever anything went wrong. he was your world. and you, were life and death for him. and yet, this universe where we're living in, the polluted air we've been inhaling have its own ways of turning the wheel of our lives: up there, down here. and the things you miss most are the ones not in your grasp of hands. tak menang tangan jadi salah satu perlu dilepaskan. tidak boleh tamak kerana akhir nanti kamu yang rugi. and you keep whining of the things you can't own. things you have, are dumped in a cardboard box, somewhere in the corner of your bedroom. manusia, yang kadang-kadang keji dangan nafsu. cuma kadang-kadang yang minoriti sahaja baik. nothing's ever enough.

di luar tingkap, hujan lebat mengetuk lapisan kaca yang membezakan luar dan dalam. di bawah sana, air longkang deras mengalir. menghanyutkan sisa yang ada hanya 30 minit yang lepas. biarlah. biar ia pergi. nanti bila reda, mungkin akan bersih sedikit longkang itu. tapi memang pasti, sisa yang seni akan masih melekat pada keliling dinding longkang. perlukan hakisan yang lama untuk betul-betul hilang. tapi jangan risau. sisa yang baru akan datang melekat juga. kitaran hidup bukan?

life before death

For weeks, all she’d wanted to do was die.

if you're free (obviously you are if you're reading this) check out this photography exhibition held in london. i think the idea of the exhibition is a rare one.

German photographer Walter Schels was terrified of death, but felt compelled to take these extraordinary series of portraits of people before and on the day they died. His partner Beate Lakotta recorded the poignant and revealing interviews with the subjects in their final days.

this is the end.