I love acting. It is so much more real than life.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Resist it, and your soul grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself.
There are many things that we would throw away if we were not afraid that others might pick them up.
Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot.
Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.
Khamis, Jun 12
Rabu, Jun 11
where's my fair share?
pagi tadi, boss hantar e-mail kepada kami anak-anak buahnya. in pdf format. the last message in the 13-slide pdf was:
Work like you don’t need the money.
Love like nobody has ever hurt you.
Dance like nobody is watching.
Sing like nobody is listening.
Live as if this was paradise on Earth.
right.
konon mahu seru kan semangat humanity dalam diri masing-masing. boleh diterima lah sedikit pasal memang sekarang ini semua pun sedang mengejar harta dunia and being very selfish at the same time. well, i guess this is how you live in the savannah of concrete. bunuh yang makan dalam. tiada titisan darah. a much safer crime. today only, a girlfriend won RM12, 000, a colleague got himself an iPod & a psp and some guy out there got to get dave grohl wore his t-shirt. dan kau selalu tertanya-tanya kenapa dunia ini terlalu unfair buat kau? thinking it over, between the three of them listed above, i'm only jealous for the girlfriend (even though i always thought dave grohl is shit-damn hot and to get him wearing your t-shirt meant getting him topless in the first place) pasal i know her personally and i know she deserves it. in my list of friends, i think she's the only one with so much positive vibe around her. apparently, she's a believer. macam mana aku mahu jadi sebegitu? sakit hati dengan diri sendiri. tsk.
i even nearly gave up on my label. but changed my mind because for once, aku mahu sesuatu yang tidak tergantung. cukuplah selama 24 tahun aku bernafas these polluted air, semuanya di sekeliling aku terdiri dari perkara-perkara yang tiada tamat pasti. hanya tamat tergantung. macam ala-ala bersambung... seperti kebanyakan entri blog aku di sini. he he. i guess sifat itu sudah pun tertanam inside of me. tapi seruan boss aku serba-sedikit bantu aku dalam pendirian hari ini. perlu selalu beringat untuk bersyukur dengan apa yang aku ada. and work my way up dengan apa yang aku currently ada. plus that self-motivator book written by steven reiss which john.j lent me did help in certain areas where i allowed it to. really, fictions has always been a favourite instead of self-motivator books. that was because i've never touched any but since i started on it, it's not really that bad. iya lah. belum cuba belum tahu, kan? i guess my fair share of the world will somehow come strolling by. i believe.
Work like you don’t need the money.
Love like nobody has ever hurt you.
Dance like nobody is watching.
Sing like nobody is listening.
Live as if this was paradise on Earth.
right.
konon mahu seru kan semangat humanity dalam diri masing-masing. boleh diterima lah sedikit pasal memang sekarang ini semua pun sedang mengejar harta dunia and being very selfish at the same time. well, i guess this is how you live in the savannah of concrete. bunuh yang makan dalam. tiada titisan darah. a much safer crime. today only, a girlfriend won RM12, 000, a colleague got himself an iPod & a psp and some guy out there got to get dave grohl wore his t-shirt. dan kau selalu tertanya-tanya kenapa dunia ini terlalu unfair buat kau? thinking it over, between the three of them listed above, i'm only jealous for the girlfriend (even though i always thought dave grohl is shit-damn hot and to get him wearing your t-shirt meant getting him topless in the first place) pasal i know her personally and i know she deserves it. in my list of friends, i think she's the only one with so much positive vibe around her. apparently, she's a believer. macam mana aku mahu jadi sebegitu? sakit hati dengan diri sendiri. tsk.
i even nearly gave up on my label. but changed my mind because for once, aku mahu sesuatu yang tidak tergantung. cukuplah selama 24 tahun aku bernafas these polluted air, semuanya di sekeliling aku terdiri dari perkara-perkara yang tiada tamat pasti. hanya tamat tergantung. macam ala-ala bersambung... seperti kebanyakan entri blog aku di sini. he he. i guess sifat itu sudah pun tertanam inside of me. tapi seruan boss aku serba-sedikit bantu aku dalam pendirian hari ini. perlu selalu beringat untuk bersyukur dengan apa yang aku ada. and work my way up dengan apa yang aku currently ada. plus that self-motivator book written by steven reiss which john.j lent me did help in certain areas where i allowed it to. really, fictions has always been a favourite instead of self-motivator books. that was because i've never touched any but since i started on it, it's not really that bad. iya lah. belum cuba belum tahu, kan? i guess my fair share of the world will somehow come strolling by. i believe.
Selasa, Jun 10
ada kaki, kita lari
the morning traffic buzzed her right ear. shaking her head, she changed path towards the lake. her jog turned to a faster pace, she breathed heavily through her mouth. she kept glancing behind her. ada semacam ketakutan di riak mukanya. ada suara di dalam kepalanya.
"run. run. run. don't stop."
she passed a few questioning faces along the grey brick path. looking up, the sky has turn to a concrete colour. the voice hasn't stop pestering her.
"run. run. run. don't stop."
she felt drips of water on her hair. a reason for her to quickened her pace some more. but she, herself was not sure where her feet are supposed to take her. titisan air yang agak deras di mukanya semacam menghalangnya dari terus berlari. she shook her head in protest. pada suara di dalam kepalanya itu, dia harus akur. kakinya terasa kebas. she couldn't feel her feet anymore but she is still running. dan ada satu suara asing mencelah.
"kau mahu lari ke mana, sayang ku?"
lalu ditolehnya ke belakang dan dalam samar-samar air langit yang deras itu, kelihatan satu kelibat berdiri. in her head, she thought that shadow was holding a bright object. lantas dilajukan lagi gerak langkahnya dan yang membasahi raut wajahnya itu bukan sahaja titisan hujan tapi air mata. her pace began to slow down. pernafasan yang tercungap-cungap dicampur dengan esakan. kedengaran air mengalir sepuluh langkah ke hadapan. yes. that's where she should stop. glancing behind, the shadow was gone.
slowly, she took off her already wet clothes and walk slowly towards the running water of the small creek.
air yang mengalir deras itu, dia percaya, akan me-nyah-kan kerunsingan yang menyakat.
"run. run. run. don't stop."
she passed a few questioning faces along the grey brick path. looking up, the sky has turn to a concrete colour. the voice hasn't stop pestering her.
"run. run. run. don't stop."
she felt drips of water on her hair. a reason for her to quickened her pace some more. but she, herself was not sure where her feet are supposed to take her. titisan air yang agak deras di mukanya semacam menghalangnya dari terus berlari. she shook her head in protest. pada suara di dalam kepalanya itu, dia harus akur. kakinya terasa kebas. she couldn't feel her feet anymore but she is still running. dan ada satu suara asing mencelah.
"kau mahu lari ke mana, sayang ku?"
lalu ditolehnya ke belakang dan dalam samar-samar air langit yang deras itu, kelihatan satu kelibat berdiri. in her head, she thought that shadow was holding a bright object. lantas dilajukan lagi gerak langkahnya dan yang membasahi raut wajahnya itu bukan sahaja titisan hujan tapi air mata. her pace began to slow down. pernafasan yang tercungap-cungap dicampur dengan esakan. kedengaran air mengalir sepuluh langkah ke hadapan. yes. that's where she should stop. glancing behind, the shadow was gone.
slowly, she took off her already wet clothes and walk slowly towards the running water of the small creek.
air yang mengalir deras itu, dia percaya, akan me-nyah-kan kerunsingan yang menyakat.
Isnin, Jun 9
penipu cinta
tidak mengapa kalau status itu yang kau lemparkan pada aku.
because i know it's the truth and nothing else but the truth. selalu aku ingat yang aku ini lemah, emotionally. but in another perspective, aku kuat. mahu tahu kenapa?
pasal luka yang itu hari belum sembuh lagi, dan aku berani melukakan diri lagi sekali.
kuat kan?
fucken anthrax.
because i know it's the truth and nothing else but the truth. selalu aku ingat yang aku ini lemah, emotionally. but in another perspective, aku kuat. mahu tahu kenapa?
pasal luka yang itu hari belum sembuh lagi, dan aku berani melukakan diri lagi sekali.
kuat kan?
fucken anthrax.
Jumaat, Jun 6
motivational lah sangat
yesterday, i had the day off from work (tiada kerja pun, i should've done the same for today). here's the list of things i planned to do yesterday:
1. send my car to the workshop
2. find plain t-shirts for second design printing
3. print stickers
4. attend an interview in PJ
5. get bus tickets for the island getaway
6. get mili's flight ticket for the other island getaway
sending my car to the workshop was a must because these past few days i've been hearing weird noises coming out from the engine compartment (paranoid kereta rosak based on the flat tyre experience). after an hour at the workshop, supposedly fetch john.j and head to the place where plain coloured shirts are cheaper than some other places. instead he had to work on some artwork for al so we decided to meet up after my interview session at 2.30pm. so i went home, had lunch dan seperti biasa selepas makan, angin malas datang menghinggap. terusan aku lewat 30minit ke tempat temu duga. tidak mengapa sebab aku macam pandai bagi alasan yang bernas. it's the same post as i'm holding right now at the current company cuma kerjanya lain sedikit. the company is about making greeting cards for big corporate companies. the cards shown to me was beautiful. memang undeniably cantik versi korporat. di luar waktu itu, hujan lebat. and the interview suddenly changed into a one-on-one motivational talk. so the interviewer thought. i told him how every morning i dragged my feet to the office for the sake of money and i'm fed up because i've lost my passion somewhere and even totally forgotten what my passion was. he said: "from the moment i read the details you wrote here in this form, i know that you're not suitable working here." he reminded me about the price increment of petrol. he also reminded me that the payment i'm getting currently is quite high and the job is not as hectic as the other design industries. i told him how i so much wanted to study fashion when i finished school but abah wasn't too keen on the lifestyle (walhal lifestyle graphic designer pun macam lebih kurang juga) that he said i should try computer graphic. so i skipped the skill test his colleague has prepared. by the time the interview session ended, it was already 6pm and apparently the place where we're supposed to get the cheap t-shirts closes around that time. kedai print sticker itu pun sama. dan dalam kepala aku, seperti biasa mula calculate benda-benda tidak berfaedah yang kemudiannya menemui kesimpulan bahawa: i'm good at nothing. i don't have talents, i don't attend to my current job, my love life is floating without directions and i'm not sure where my family stands in my life. the things that i need are currently driving me right now. driving dengan malas. aku kekurangan fulfillments on the things that i want so things got out of hands. masalah ini hanya pada aku sebab aku memang disorganized macam ini pun. dan terlalu banyak berfikir perkara yang tidak berfaedah. i broke down and cried in front of john.j. merepek kan? mampus lah. bukannya teresak-esak pun. aku rasa semua pun tidak menjadi. pulang ke rumah, mak wanted me to come along to two weddings this weekend. bad timing pasal sekarang pemikiran aku terlalu pessimistic, i'm not in the mood to be pushed around and especially attending weddings. berjumpa orang-orang judgmental adalah perkara terakhir yang aku perlukan sekarang. ataupun tidak perlu langsung. anne, i'm sorry i snapped. mungkin hormon aku sedang bergelora.
esok, aku mahu pergi buat survey pasal dibayar rm100, kemudian hantar t-shirt ke mont kiara untuk di jual. kemudian aku mahu jumpa john.j because currently even if hati aku tidak tentu arah, akal aku kucar-kacir, whenever he's around, semua macam reda sedikit. dia macam ada banyak ion positif. aku amat perlukan yang itu. yang lain, nanti dulu. i'd like to have what i WANT, tomorrow.
1. send my car to the workshop
2. find plain t-shirts for second design printing
3. print stickers
4. attend an interview in PJ
5. get bus tickets for the island getaway
6. get mili's flight ticket for the other island getaway
sending my car to the workshop was a must because these past few days i've been hearing weird noises coming out from the engine compartment (paranoid kereta rosak based on the flat tyre experience). after an hour at the workshop, supposedly fetch john.j and head to the place where plain coloured shirts are cheaper than some other places. instead he had to work on some artwork for al so we decided to meet up after my interview session at 2.30pm. so i went home, had lunch dan seperti biasa selepas makan, angin malas datang menghinggap. terusan aku lewat 30minit ke tempat temu duga. tidak mengapa sebab aku macam pandai bagi alasan yang bernas. it's the same post as i'm holding right now at the current company cuma kerjanya lain sedikit. the company is about making greeting cards for big corporate companies. the cards shown to me was beautiful. memang undeniably cantik versi korporat. di luar waktu itu, hujan lebat. and the interview suddenly changed into a one-on-one motivational talk. so the interviewer thought. i told him how every morning i dragged my feet to the office for the sake of money and i'm fed up because i've lost my passion somewhere and even totally forgotten what my passion was. he said: "from the moment i read the details you wrote here in this form, i know that you're not suitable working here." he reminded me about the price increment of petrol. he also reminded me that the payment i'm getting currently is quite high and the job is not as hectic as the other design industries. i told him how i so much wanted to study fashion when i finished school but abah wasn't too keen on the lifestyle (walhal lifestyle graphic designer pun macam lebih kurang juga) that he said i should try computer graphic. so i skipped the skill test his colleague has prepared. by the time the interview session ended, it was already 6pm and apparently the place where we're supposed to get the cheap t-shirts closes around that time. kedai print sticker itu pun sama. dan dalam kepala aku, seperti biasa mula calculate benda-benda tidak berfaedah yang kemudiannya menemui kesimpulan bahawa: i'm good at nothing. i don't have talents, i don't attend to my current job, my love life is floating without directions and i'm not sure where my family stands in my life. the things that i need are currently driving me right now. driving dengan malas. aku kekurangan fulfillments on the things that i want so things got out of hands. masalah ini hanya pada aku sebab aku memang disorganized macam ini pun. dan terlalu banyak berfikir perkara yang tidak berfaedah. i broke down and cried in front of john.j. merepek kan? mampus lah. bukannya teresak-esak pun. aku rasa semua pun tidak menjadi. pulang ke rumah, mak wanted me to come along to two weddings this weekend. bad timing pasal sekarang pemikiran aku terlalu pessimistic, i'm not in the mood to be pushed around and especially attending weddings. berjumpa orang-orang judgmental adalah perkara terakhir yang aku perlukan sekarang. ataupun tidak perlu langsung. anne, i'm sorry i snapped. mungkin hormon aku sedang bergelora.
esok, aku mahu pergi buat survey pasal dibayar rm100, kemudian hantar t-shirt ke mont kiara untuk di jual. kemudian aku mahu jumpa john.j because currently even if hati aku tidak tentu arah, akal aku kucar-kacir, whenever he's around, semua macam reda sedikit. dia macam ada banyak ion positif. aku amat perlukan yang itu. yang lain, nanti dulu. i'd like to have what i WANT, tomorrow.
Rabu, Jun 4
bila minyak kelapa sawit mahu direvolusikan?
have you heard the news? about the price of petrol rising up to RM2.70 per liter? man, aku baru saja fikir mahu berhenti kerja and volunteer at that science centre again but i guess i couldn't afford living like that. hmmm...but since i'll be going for an island getaway next weekend, i should act rajin over there, mingle around with the beach boys so maybe i can get myself a job there. no need petrol for car. saving di situ. tapi macam mana pula kesnya kalau aku lembab berenang? haha. i don't even know how to swim. menyelam saja aku reti. tsk. i guess i have to brush the idea of working on the island off. tsk. tsk.
meaning: i'm gonna be stuck here in this fucken cold office until God knows when.
sakitnya hati!!!
BENCI!!!
*breaks down and cry
meaning: i'm gonna be stuck here in this fucken cold office until God knows when.
sakitnya hati!!!
BENCI!!!
*breaks down and cry
Selasa, Jun 3
mahu
kadang-kadang aku mahu menyandar
di atas bumi, di kalangan lalang-lalang
di belakang rumah mu
aku sampaikan isyarat angin
buat kamu mendongak menonton
awan berarak
dan senyum bak bidadari
dalam tidur ku
kadang-kadang terasa enak
lalang di lidah
tatkala aku dan angan-angan terapung
tangan aku erat dalam tangan kamu
terasa arus positif
dan yang negatif terusan lenyap
dan mungkin juga selalu
aku
mahu
kamu
-fzk-
di belakang rumah mu
aku sampaikan isyarat angin
buat kamu mendongak menonton
awan berarak
dan senyum bak bidadari
dalam tidur ku
kadang-kadang terasa enak
lalang di lidah
tatkala aku dan angan-angan terapung
tangan aku erat dalam tangan kamu
terasa arus positif
dan yang negatif terusan lenyap
dan mungkin juga selaluaku
mahu
kamu
-fzk-
Isnin, Jun 2
a man's junk is another man's treasure
it's monday and i'm very, very tired from the weekend. didn't get too much sleep because i was involved in the 2-day weekend event where people who likes to sell stuff (new/used) gather around and dance by the pool. okay. aku rasa lebih kepada mengkritik para hadirin. itu yang aku dengar dari perbualan mereka dan aku sendiri terpaksa join in the fun. malang untuk john.j, tiada mangsa swimming pool pada hari itu so elle's boyfriend doesn't get to buy him a teh tarik. lain kali kamu terjun sendiri ya, john.j. tidak perlu tunggu orang lain. hehe. sabtu malam, i wanted to check out the wild beastly party in the city but i reckon that i'll be very tired the next day (memang aku pulang dan terus pengsan until the next day pun). lola must be very pissed with me because i get the stall very disorganized. tapi aku rasa feel pasar karat kan best. betul cakap elle, the joy of seeing people dig, dig, dig into the beautiful junks we brought, macam best. when i got to know that one of the famous fashion bloggers joining the market, i freaked out. dan bilamasa lola berpesanan ringkas 'her stall is next to ours', rasa macam mahu putus asa dan pulang ke rumah, langsung tidur the whole day. tapi malangnya aku tidak mahu menghampakan teman-teman tersayang jadi perjuangan harus diteruskan. "sebenarnya perasaan takut pada competitor bukan hanya ada pada kita, pada mereka juga ada." john.j was being very supportive and i felt good later that day AND also the next day. tapi seperti biasa ada kunci automatik di mulut ini jadi aku ini semacam sombong, mungkin. but i'm actually very shy, you know. that was my first time joining an event like that and like i've said a zillion times before, i just don't know the right steps to mingle. ugh. pathetic, i know. keuntungan yang aku dapat for a first-timer: not bad. the sales for both days covered the rent for the stall and the rack. dan sedikit duit lebih untuk beli rokok. hehe. i'm really happy that my friends came to support and yes, john.j, you made my day, both saturday & sunday. you know that i'm really lucky to be having you around, right? :)
but please break my heart now. i'm so scared that i'll be deep and passionate with you and somehow, that particular beautiful moment, you're going to break my heart. well, unintentionally. ada satu macam perasaan risau yang sangat kuat. where are we heading now, john.j? aku takut. kamu tahu aku paling takut dengan kehilangan, kan?
but please break my heart now. i'm so scared that i'll be deep and passionate with you and somehow, that particular beautiful moment, you're going to break my heart. well, unintentionally. ada satu macam perasaan risau yang sangat kuat. where are we heading now, john.j? aku takut. kamu tahu aku paling takut dengan kehilangan, kan?
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