i was walking towards my car & was thinking whether i should get nasi lemak or nothing so maybe i can have the tasty chicken chop at a nearby college for lunch but then i decided on the nasi lemak because then i remember about having only RM10 in my purse. the usual thing around the office to have heavy breakfast and skip lunch. then as i get into the car, i touched my hair if it was in place & thought to myself that i should just leave it short until forever (since it made me look younger). then i changed my mind. i should just let my hair grow longer until i'm 25 (kononnya nanti panjang gila la pasal lambat lagi pun aku nak 25). i forgot that i'm gonna be 25 by end of this year. like, ALREADY?? and where am i now? i'm nearing 25, i forgot about my passion, i'm not satisfied on my current salary and my current post is graphic designer but if you only knew what we're working on right now...i'm not even doing good in my love-life. apa benda ni eh? quarter-life crisis? macam confirm saja hidup sampai seratus tahun. there's too much things to think about, consider & decision to be made. gila untuk orang yang kerap-kali quote 'go as it flow'. kau ingat kau air sungai ke? mereka mana ada life.
i think i need a break. from everything. a vacation sounds nice. tapi bulan depan kena renew roadtax and insurance. haihhh...
Khamis, Januari 24
Khamis, Januari 17
10 pengajaran hidup yang 'sesuai'
1- Janganlah kita mempertikaikan orang lain sebab suatu hari nanti kita akan jadi orang yang dipertikaikan itu. wise words from the karma.
2- Benci boleh, tapi jangan benci yang terlampau kerana suatu hari nanti kita akan terlalu mencintai sesuatu yang paling dibenci itu.
3- what goes around, comes around. so just be ready for it to come.
4- don't bullshit another bullshitter. haha.
5- kalau nak menipu, plan betul-betul. inform rakan-rakan yang terlibat dalam penipuan.
6- kalau nak menipu, jangan lupa save sent messages. nanti kantoi terang-terangan. haha.
7- kita tidak lah boleh memaksa seseorang itu mencintai kita. sememangnya, cinta itu kan tidak boleh dipaksa.
8- never take things for granted. jangan sampai yang dikejar tak dapat, yang dikendong berciciran.
9- tak payah terlalu fikirkan apa pendapat orang sekeliling. kalau suka, teruskan saja.
10- jangan selalu berjanji kalau tak mampu ditunaikan. nanti buat sakit hati.
2- Benci boleh, tapi jangan benci yang terlampau kerana suatu hari nanti kita akan terlalu mencintai sesuatu yang paling dibenci itu.
3- what goes around, comes around. so just be ready for it to come.
4- don't bullshit another bullshitter. haha.
5- kalau nak menipu, plan betul-betul. inform rakan-rakan yang terlibat dalam penipuan.
6- kalau nak menipu, jangan lupa save sent messages. nanti kantoi terang-terangan. haha.
7- kita tidak lah boleh memaksa seseorang itu mencintai kita. sememangnya, cinta itu kan tidak boleh dipaksa.
8- never take things for granted. jangan sampai yang dikejar tak dapat, yang dikendong berciciran.
9- tak payah terlalu fikirkan apa pendapat orang sekeliling. kalau suka, teruskan saja.
10- jangan selalu berjanji kalau tak mampu ditunaikan. nanti buat sakit hati.
senja jingga
warna jingga yang menghiasi langit
dialunkan dengan ungu yang malu
waktu senja indah bagaikan puisi
dan hati ini
menari-nari dengan alunan senja
pergerakan yang sayu
lemah-longlai
seakan-akan tahu sesuatu
yang tak di-ingini akan berlaku
hati, kamu dengarlah
jangan kamu berdegil lagi
sudah tiada gunanya
dedaun pintu kamu itu
harus ditutup sahaja
mungkin hujan emas di negara orang
kita tidak tahu
doa, doa sahaja yang mampu kita berikan
dan mungkin, hari esok
rezeki akan datang menyinggah
tiba berlimpah-limpah
tapi untuk hari ini,
senja ini,
dibiarkan tutup sahaja
dedaun pintu kamu.
-f.z.k-
dialunkan dengan ungu yang malu
waktu senja indah bagaikan puisi
dan hati ini
menari-nari dengan alunan senja
pergerakan yang sayu
lemah-longlai
seakan-akan tahu sesuatu
yang tak di-ingini akan berlaku
hati, kamu dengarlah
jangan kamu berdegil lagi
sudah tiada gunanya
dedaun pintu kamu itu
harus ditutup sahaja
mungkin hujan emas di negara orang
kita tidak tahu
doa, doa sahaja yang mampu kita berikan
dan mungkin, hari esok
rezeki akan datang menyinggah
tiba berlimpah-limpah
tapi untuk hari ini,
senja ini,
dibiarkan tutup sahaja
dedaun pintu kamu.
-f.z.k-
taken from myspace.com blogs
Isnin, Januari 14
all i had for the weekend was a gift to brag
"nah. here's the money that i owe you, for you to go & buy me my birthday gift," i shoved RM150 to mili's hand. she gave me back a hundred for me to go & get it myself. well that's not too nice, is it? so i told her to get the gift. & if she couldn't find one that fits, there's always next year. then we continued our journey to the hypermarket to get some provisions for abah. since i had wasted 4 hours that saturday afternoon for slumber, i insisted that we go to MPH first before the groceries. langkah kanan. but kind of langkah kiri for mili because MPH was doing a sale on some of the books & i came across a book entitled: The Rolling Stones, A Life On The Road. ha ha. note: there are 3 places mili & i will spend like forever at: a) thrift store b) bookstore c) hypermarket. anyways, she got me that big book of the rolling stones & a book on celebrities' truths or lies by some pop writer. that rolling stones book is my favourite gift so far (because i got to choose) & i wouldn't mind bragging about it to just about anyone.
later that night, al & i decided we should do the movie session we've been planning since the last 2-3 weeks. he was excited, coming over to pick me up in his classic BMW with sunroof. it's really classic because you have to twind the knob (yang macam kat tingkap kereta tu) to open/close the sunroof. our movie session started off late because we thought it'll be nice to drive to the only reggae bar in the city where anne & di 'ada hal'. by the time we reached al's place, it was too sleepy for us to stay focus & al passed out first before i crashed in. earlier he said of a breakfast at the cafe & yada yada yada & we woke up at 12 which al was already late for a soundcheck session at a nearby mall. breakfast? right. it rained lightly that sunday afternoon & i thought of opening the sunroof but i don't know if al would agree to that. i wonder how it'd feel like. i should get a sunroof for my kenari, no?
"do you love 'heart?" al asked, while maneuvering the steering wheel.
"well, aku sayang dia. i do get jealous at times."
"i think you love him but NOT in love with him. if you are, there won't be any hesitations in answering the question itself." GULP. his answer was true for i know that myself. i wanted to deny his facts. i thought if i brush away all these negative ideas, i'll be in love with 'heart once more. but i don't like the feeling of 'heart hanging out with his friends which is what he's been doing currently with the reason that his friend is flying off to Libya & will only be back in october. fiiiiine with me. yes. i am that selfish of a person. al said sometimes, you just have to face the fact that the people that you love & loves you back doesn't think much about you. maybe i did the same towards him before. i should be carefree. and should stop thinking too much. it's just karma, right? he'll miss me when his friend's not around later. after all these hoo-haas, everything'll be fine, right?
later that night, al & i decided we should do the movie session we've been planning since the last 2-3 weeks. he was excited, coming over to pick me up in his classic BMW with sunroof. it's really classic because you have to twind the knob (yang macam kat tingkap kereta tu) to open/close the sunroof. our movie session started off late because we thought it'll be nice to drive to the only reggae bar in the city where anne & di 'ada hal'. by the time we reached al's place, it was too sleepy for us to stay focus & al passed out first before i crashed in. earlier he said of a breakfast at the cafe & yada yada yada & we woke up at 12 which al was already late for a soundcheck session at a nearby mall. breakfast? right. it rained lightly that sunday afternoon & i thought of opening the sunroof but i don't know if al would agree to that. i wonder how it'd feel like. i should get a sunroof for my kenari, no?"do you love 'heart?" al asked, while maneuvering the steering wheel.
"well, aku sayang dia. i do get jealous at times."
"i think you love him but NOT in love with him. if you are, there won't be any hesitations in answering the question itself." GULP. his answer was true for i know that myself. i wanted to deny his facts. i thought if i brush away all these negative ideas, i'll be in love with 'heart once more. but i don't like the feeling of 'heart hanging out with his friends which is what he's been doing currently with the reason that his friend is flying off to Libya & will only be back in october. fiiiiine with me. yes. i am that selfish of a person. al said sometimes, you just have to face the fact that the people that you love & loves you back doesn't think much about you. maybe i did the same towards him before. i should be carefree. and should stop thinking too much. it's just karma, right? he'll miss me when his friend's not around later. after all these hoo-haas, everything'll be fine, right?
Jumaat, Januari 11
lapsap of the future
owh. no wonder i dreamt of flying off in a spaceship to meet ville valo last night. but i didn't get to meet him because i had to wake up for work. reality is B-O-R-I-N-G.
Selasa, Januari 8
empty is worthless
can you fill me in?i've come to realize that i have nothing. nothing inside, nothing to give, nothing to share. exactly like an empty jar. i have no passion, no talent and it feels like all the things up in my head, from school, college and mistakes have been drained along the way. my colour has gone dull and you can't spot any lights on me anywhere. even the slightest bit. i'm no longer good at anything that even my cat left me.
"azuki dah balik?"
"belum."
"nanti dia balik lah. jangan sedih, okay?" 'heart tried to sooth me.
"mmhmm..."
"hey, jangan sedih"
-
"you? hello?"
-
"dengar tak?"
"mmhmm...okay" my eyes couldn't hold back the tears. as i said before, i hate to be alone, helpless and dependent. mungkin naluri curiosity kejantanan azuki sudah membuak. or he doesn't love me anymore.
i had a dream last night. la science des reves was playing on the laptop before i dozed off into my own personal movie. abah was still a dentist but his clinic, instead of the big government facing the traffic of the city, was just a small one, in one of the shop lots in front of central market. i came and pick him up from work, he was smiling. he told me of a friend named kopi that he always have philosophical conversations with. out of the corner of the clinic came a guy with a black t-shirt, cargo shorts, black baseball cap & glasses and waved towards abah. weird. that particular kopi looked exactly like that SDN blogger. the dream was brown in colour like of those vintage movies. somehow, mimpi itu buat aku bahagia. buat aku rasa perasaan sewaktu kami semua masih sebuah keluarga. a dream that i wouldn't mind re-playing over & over again. aku macam kehilangan. rasa rindu. tapi tidak begitu pasti apa yang dicari, apa yang dirindui.
Isnin, Januari 7
Sabtu, Januari 5
perubahan yang digeruni
we were young; mind & soul. i was naive. we accidentally met at a club and bumped into each other a month later. he was interested; i was someone's. we wanted to have fun. he wanted me. i secretly wanted him too. he was good looking, he still is now. very stylish with his good sense of street fashion. but he was on my never-to-date list. because of some previous encounters, i tend to judge his circle of friends. well, his friends were my friends way back when the twin towers were brand new. at that time, i believe that i was in love. i dropped the other subject to spend some good driving times with 'heart. he was sweet, attentive & childish. he spoiled me good. he was very conscious of my feelings towards him that after two years, he started to do stuff that he feared of the things i might do. macam curang. twice in a year i got cheated. i felt stupid. after the big break up, through an sms because he was too chickened out to say it to my face, i was lost. sleep was a major problem for me and my emotions were too distracted that i had eating disorder which made me look like a shrunken pear. pucat dan kecut. crying at night was like a routine and anger turned me to some unreasonable someone. at the mention of his name, my knees went wobbly and i was ready to drop & cry. i blamed myself for choosing this path, for not leaving the relationship when it was fresh & young and not deep & passionate. for ignoring the list i did myself in my head: to not mess around with his crowd. i was heartbroken. aku masih ingat rasa sakit itu; pedih, menikam, mengoyak. tapi aku degil. aku tahu, kedua-dua orang yang sayang aku, rasa macam nak tempeleng saja aku when i decided he was the best partner for me to drag along to bali. it was a last minute decision. some guy thatt i wasn't to keen on being my room mate or a guy that i've been sleeping with. i said:
"it's okay. i'm not expecting something big after the trip. kalau nak, nak lah. kalau tak, oh well."
we did it in the bathroom, we took nude pictures, we had the christmas lights chasing us at night & i had wings so that i can reach the turtles i saw in the night sky. i made 'heart miss what we used to have. which made him believe that he wanted to start over, another fresh new start. i, on the other hand thought it was not a good idea. but oh well, we should just give it a try, shouldn't we? he came back, longing for my touch but deep in his heart, was afraid if the reason i agreed was to get back at him. then why came back in the first place if you had that rooted in your mind? but i said to myself: "if he's here, on his knees, he should be willing to change. he wouldn't mind sharing his friends like i shared mine." right. dia buat lagi. dah sekarang ni, siapa yang bermasalah? aku ke? ke aku masih tak faham yang lelaki sememangnya akan berperangai begitu? he said he didn't like some messages from some guy friends so i stopped contacting them out of the reason i was tired of arguments maybe i should just try to be a good partner. but as the question asked before: what good is a relationship when there's revenge & zip.zero.nada trust? i am not sure of my feelings anymore. sayang? memang sayang. cinta...? cemburu masih ada. tapi bila ditanya akan perasaan, aku masih serba salah atau mengambil masa untuk menjawab. memang kehilangan dan perubahan adalah antara benda-benda yang aku tak suka. but has the time to change arrived for me?
"it's okay. i'm not expecting something big after the trip. kalau nak, nak lah. kalau tak, oh well."
we did it in the bathroom, we took nude pictures, we had the christmas lights chasing us at night & i had wings so that i can reach the turtles i saw in the night sky. i made 'heart miss what we used to have. which made him believe that he wanted to start over, another fresh new start. i, on the other hand thought it was not a good idea. but oh well, we should just give it a try, shouldn't we? he came back, longing for my touch but deep in his heart, was afraid if the reason i agreed was to get back at him. then why came back in the first place if you had that rooted in your mind? but i said to myself: "if he's here, on his knees, he should be willing to change. he wouldn't mind sharing his friends like i shared mine." right. dia buat lagi. dah sekarang ni, siapa yang bermasalah? aku ke? ke aku masih tak faham yang lelaki sememangnya akan berperangai begitu? he said he didn't like some messages from some guy friends so i stopped contacting them out of the reason i was tired of arguments maybe i should just try to be a good partner. but as the question asked before: what good is a relationship when there's revenge & zip.zero.nada trust? i am not sure of my feelings anymore. sayang? memang sayang. cinta...? cemburu masih ada. tapi bila ditanya akan perasaan, aku masih serba salah atau mengambil masa untuk menjawab. memang kehilangan dan perubahan adalah antara benda-benda yang aku tak suka. but has the time to change arrived for me?
Khamis, Januari 3
turn me on
tak tahu kenapa. one fine day, i heard meet uncle hussain on the radio. suddenly i got goosebumps all over. i've heard them before on t.v. for Kami. but that particular one fine day, i thought he sounded so fucken sexy. so as elle & i was lying around the living hall, with my face close to hers, i asked:
"vocal meet uncle hussain tu seksi ke?" elle groaned.
"is that all that matters to you? seksi?" memang bengang gila muka dia. so i told her about my one fine day story. she said:
"diaorang dah tua. takkan kau tak pernah tengok?"
memang aku tak pernah tengok. loser gila, not even on magazine. & i totally forgot about googling them up. i don't feel like it. if you're reading this, mr. vocal of meet uncle hussain, i think your voice is very sexy & i wouldn't mind doing it with you with your song blaring on the laptop. but then again, it'll be too weird for you, listening to your own voice, ain't it? i have to admit that i get turned on by a lot of stuff. like, arthur conan doyle's sherlock holmes series or listening to placebo's running up that hill. or reading SDN. i think most of you girls feels the same way too. two thumbs up for you writers who managed to turn us on even without writing anything about sex. if all these while you've been denying the goosebumps whenever you listen to muse or saw a snippet of some guy's nice solid stomach as he flipped his shirt up, stop. just admit to it. it's normal to be having nice dirty thoughts. i once thought the intro of bittersweet's big black hole (going into) kind of generated my sex drive. secara terang-terangan, aku suka alaq. alaq yang mana satu? go figure. it's like this: anything with nafsu (for anything. not only sex) turns me on. mysteriousness turns me on. songs with deep, deep meanings turns me on. stone revival's guitar riff yang dia suka main untuk soundcheck turns me on. kisses on the neck turns me on. okay. sampai sini saja.
but for the record, here's a list of songs yang 'boleh membantu':
• placebo - running up that hill
• bic runga - precious thing
• n.e.r.d. - she wants to move
• meet uncle hussain - lagu untukmu
• jamiroquai - blow your mind
• bittersweet - get it on
• placebo - meds
• blonde redhead - elephant woman
• zimpala - can't fall asleep
• carburetor dung - mari menyanyi menjilat (live show)
• st germain - sure thing
• jimi hendrix - fire
• alex kid feat ian james whitelaw - turn it around again
• portishead - roads
• force vomit - lastnight i said goodbye
• placebo - protege moi (i know. placebo lagi)
"vocal meet uncle hussain tu seksi ke?" elle groaned.
"is that all that matters to you? seksi?" memang bengang gila muka dia. so i told her about my one fine day story. she said:
"diaorang dah tua. takkan kau tak pernah tengok?"
memang aku tak pernah tengok. loser gila, not even on magazine. & i totally forgot about googling them up. i don't feel like it. if you're reading this, mr. vocal of meet uncle hussain, i think your voice is very sexy & i wouldn't mind doing it with you with your song blaring on the laptop. but then again, it'll be too weird for you, listening to your own voice, ain't it? i have to admit that i get turned on by a lot of stuff. like, arthur conan doyle's sherlock holmes series or listening to placebo's running up that hill. or reading SDN. i think most of you girls feels the same way too. two thumbs up for you writers who managed to turn us on even without writing anything about sex. if all these while you've been denying the goosebumps whenever you listen to muse or saw a snippet of some guy's nice solid stomach as he flipped his shirt up, stop. just admit to it. it's normal to be having nice dirty thoughts. i once thought the intro of bittersweet's big black hole (going into) kind of generated my sex drive. secara terang-terangan, aku suka alaq. alaq yang mana satu? go figure. it's like this: anything with nafsu (for anything. not only sex) turns me on. mysteriousness turns me on. songs with deep, deep meanings turns me on. stone revival's guitar riff yang dia suka main untuk soundcheck turns me on. kisses on the neck turns me on. okay. sampai sini saja.
but for the record, here's a list of songs yang 'boleh membantu':
• placebo - running up that hill
• bic runga - precious thing
• n.e.r.d. - she wants to move
• meet uncle hussain - lagu untukmu
• jamiroquai - blow your mind
• bittersweet - get it on
• placebo - meds
• blonde redhead - elephant woman
• zimpala - can't fall asleep
• carburetor dung - mari menyanyi menjilat (live show)
• st germain - sure thing
• jimi hendrix - fire
• alex kid feat ian james whitelaw - turn it around again
• portishead - roads
• force vomit - lastnight i said goodbye
• placebo - protege moi (i know. placebo lagi)
jaga kau, ayam
ayam gatal tak sedar diri.(10:41 AM) aze mode: blanjer aku
(10:41 AM) nikolay tyutyunnik: ceh
(10:41 AM) aze mode: baru 50 ringgo
(10:41 AM) nikolay tyutyunnik: aku nk kene belanja adik aku
(10:41 AM) aze mode: 2 pasang kasut
(10:41 AM) aze mode: erm.
(10:42 AM) aze mode: kalau tak gaji..aku ader backup..
(10:42 AM) aze mode: sebab cam besh
(10:42 AM) aze mode: ayam sekali g kan..
(10:42 AM) aze mode: *jgn ckp aku call dier ayam gak.
(10:42 AM) aze mode: lempang ko kang.
(10:46 AM) nikolay tyutyunnik: ahahahah
(10:46 AM) nikolay tyutyunnik: ko tau la, ckp ngn ayam susah sket
(10:46 AM) nikolay tyutyunnik: lembab
(10:46 AM) nikolay tyutyunnik: lain aku tanye, lain yg die jawab
(10:47 AM) nikolay tyutyunnik:
(10:39 AM) nikolay tyutyunnik: https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtKvQSWAx6WJ1hrac4tenU-GOv41pmrdFLYKEL46Y5-C7bxteH-dfSJS2Z93wPHaXk2kHwjhYit1EJnn6r6MbmHqI8X9hiU11U0mv5nj1xtRWrGTB8RWKmeMrYpgNSzmU4AcfUBjyn4cM/s1600-h/aku.jpg
(10:41 AM) nikolay tyutyunnik: jom tau
(10:42 AM) ayam: kitametam ko buat ni plak
(10:47 AM) nikolay tyutyunnik: ko tgk. xde kenemengene
dalam usaha mempromosikan dan menjemput colleagues ke gig sabtu ini. ya. di sebelah kiri aku ada lembu expensive, sebelah kanan ada ayam yang tak sedar dirinya ayam.
Rabu, Januari 2
24 & kicking pebbles by the roadside
boobie island & creamy cake.the last weekend of 2007 was...ok. a friend got engaged with an australian malay (perlu ke statement australian tu?), went to anne's show, bought a top at kurasa something, was a doorbitch at a club downtown (stairbitch was more like it) & went to the yearly decemberian birthday dinner. mak got back from perth sunday night with pretty tops & a whole bunch of yummy chocolates. monday, i went for an interview near 2nd home but will only confirm whether i get the job or not by next week. for new year's eve, i had to fetch 'heart at the airport so i didn't get to really celebrate the new year. or my birthday. i wanted to have close friends to wish me & hug me & feel like it was my birthday. guess i was asking for too much. no, don't get me wrong, i'm not blaming anyone but myself. i got another bag from 'heart. it's nice to get gifts isn't it? i've been getting bags from him: last year's birthday, anniversary & this year's birthday. he didn't know what to get me. i don't even care if he got me nothing but if it's just for the sake of buying, baik simpan duit tu untuk kahwin nanti ke, atau untuk apa-apa lah. i know it seems that i'm whining & whining & not appreciating things but really, sometimes i think 'heart thinks that he can get away with stuff by getting me stuff. get it? or am i thinking too much? or maybe the fact that the other night, on the birthday dinner, an ex had on the sweater i gave him years back. or maybe al-qad's other good clothes was in the laundry so he had to put on that maroon sweater. but i like the idea. comparing is not good right? obviously a no-no but sometimes we just couldn't help ourselves. like lying or stealing other people's partners. mungkin nafsu 'heart untuk membeli, beli & beli tidak dapat dibendung. seriously, i'd rather have a card with his thoughts about me rather than any gifts yang satu hari nanti akan rosak juga. come to think of it, 'heart gave me 8 bags & 3 purses dalam jangkamasa perkenalan kami. to me, that's a lot. belum campur beg-beg yang aku beli sendiri.
i'm not in a good mood because it's the first day of the monthly cycle & suddenly al-qad asked if i know a girl called sheik which turned out to be the girl who secretly wants a piece of attention from 'heart & also a kick in the ass from me. this durjana city is seriously getting on my nerve.
24. i should be thinking about my career.
my bag got tagged
obey straw clutch
important random things to be found in my daily bag:
• purse
• handphone
• housekeys
• carkeys
• cigarettes
• lighter
• pendrive
• shades
• lipgloss
• lotion
• safety pins
• hairpins
• melted sweets (ick!)
• crumpled tissue / receipts
so, yeah. i got tagged. i don't know who else i should tag. it'll be too weird to be tagging bloggers on my list. instead, i should tag them with the subject: 'what's in your pants?' i know a lot of people would be really interested. by the way, i don't wear clutch everyday. this one's just a favourite.
• purse
• handphone
• housekeys
• carkeys
• cigarettes
• lighter
• pendrive
• shades
• lipgloss
• lotion
• safety pins
• hairpins
• melted sweets (ick!)
• crumpled tissue / receipts
so, yeah. i got tagged. i don't know who else i should tag. it'll be too weird to be tagging bloggers on my list. instead, i should tag them with the subject: 'what's in your pants?' i know a lot of people would be really interested. by the way, i don't wear clutch everyday. this one's just a favourite.
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