this valentine

butterflies everywhere

do you still remember that time when you fell in love? or so you thought. but you were obviously head-over-heel over that person and you can't help smiling foolishly to yourself. butterflies flew everywhere inside you. any physical contacts shivered you like an electric buzz. daydreaming was like the agenda of every minute of the day. you can't wait to tell your friends about just the slightest, smallest sweet things that person did for you. do you still remember those days? that giddy feeling?

i think i'm feeling it now. and i'm enjoying every bit of it.

"john, i'm really curious on how your lips would taste like."

m u n g k i n a n t i

shuffle your music player

the system froze again. and all other online entertainment sites have been blocked once AGAIN.
'Dear all, I can understand your pain regarding access to certain sites.
The new firewall installed by the next door mother company now allows a blanket block on all sites NOT relevant to production. Having said this it also allows for individual sites to be unblocked as we customize it. Please bear with IT as they work on this. It also allows to monitor usage and dependent on mis-use during working productive hours, certain sites which have been continually abused will be blocked.A. At the same time we do appreciate if you have to communicate. Certain sites, which affect our bandwidth and delivery of data to clients, will be blocked. For example FaceBook and YouTube. I'm sure IT are available to discuss this. Just thought some communication was necessary as it was new to me also that restrictions had taken place. - the boss'

so this is the out come.

Put Your Player On Shuffle And Answer The Questions With The Song You Got.
Don't Cheat, Even If It Doesn't Sound Right!

What Song Do You Play When You Are...

Happy
Air (Ben Folds Five)

Sad
No Shelter (Rage Against The Machine)

Depressed
Graveland (H.I.M.)

In Love
Damaged Goods (Gang of Four)

Missing Someone
Squeal (No Doubt)

Having A Bad Day
Good (Talib Kweli feat Kanye West)

Trying To Go To Sleep
Blow Out (Radiohead & Portishead)

Really Really Hyper
Never Be Alone (Simian vs J.U.S.T.I.C.E.)

Having Your First Birthday
Queer (Garbage)

Going Out With Your First BF/GF
Can't Fall Asleep (Zimpala)

Getting Proposed To...
Fistful of Sand (The Bravery)

Getting Married
Faster Pussycat Kill (Paul Oakenfold feat Brittany Murphy)

When You/Wife Having Your First Kid
Positive Tension (Bloc Party)

gila bosan. bila nak pukul 7 ni?

the aftermath of taking a break

friday didn't start that good. we had an argument. i was the one who started it. i told 'heart i had enough. my mind was going crazy. i was scared of myself. those psycho girlfriends who wouldn't let their partners to be friends with other girls, who control most of their partners' daily activities: i was becoming one of them though refuse to be among them. my previous aches were not fully healed. i have become paranoid, with burning jealousy and full of hate. i need a break from all these. but 'heart wasn't helping. he said he could change, make things better for me. he said that before but it's all the same. my emotions are sore and my mind's tired. setahun aku sabar tapi malangnya, aku terlalu lemah untuk bersabar lagi. salah aku yang masih mengungkit. only because everything's connected. it's not that i'm not sorry. i am. sad, that this is what's becoming of a relationship that i trusted to stay for a long time. maybe forever. this time, it's my heart that i have to listen to. i had to be selfish. just this once. don't question keikhlasan kalau dalam masa yang sama kau memaksa aku untuk masih di sini. let me heal. if you really love me like you said so, you'll wait right? i still love you. so very much. but being with you currently, is making everything worse. we both need this break. but if at the same time you still do whatever stuff that creates this mess, then there's no point anymore.
last week, i met a guy on the internet. a friend of a friend. a very artsy-fartsy person. also a son of a local known artist. i was fascinated by john. he got this dirty bad boy look and conversation with him makes me smile sheepishly. terngiang di telinga aku pendapat anne dan al: "kau memang suka bad boys hanging out by the bar kan?" which i denied. of course. my middle name is 'denial'. so, yeah. there's just something about the mysterious air surrounding them. in two days time, john got me excited. for no particular reason. and after a long time, i'm sexually attracted to some stranger. no kucing-love business here. he got me thinking of how it would feel to be tasting his lips. he got me parked far away from the toll booth that i had to get out of my car to pay for the toll fees. padah banyak sangat berangan. heee...but, i also have another middle name: 'deep shit'. yesterday lunch, i got a call from a woman who turned out to be, john's mom. gila. i refused her request of conversation by telling her that i was busy cooking lunch (right.) and maybe she'd change her mind after that to call me later. but i guess she was really serious about it because 45mins later, she called again. from her first call, i guess her intention was to stop me befriending him to avoid bad influence yada, yada, yada. but she didn't. instead, the reason she called was to ask me guide john in a good way. kind of depending on me to lead him there. she gave me a lecture on youths nowadays are so ignorant of what's happening around them, that they should work out to get the best of the country and that if we're still bergoyang kaki, the country might end up like Bosnia. sigh. the things i get myself into. apparently, john's a divorcee and his mom said something about some bad-intentioned person putting some black-magic spell on him. and i'm supposed to get him out of his depression mode in a good way. to always turn to God instead of alcohol and happy pills. aunty, sebenarnya saya pun tidaklah sebaik mana, saya rasa saya tidak mampu untuk berbuat sedemikian. but i said okay because i just had to get off the phone. 5mins later, she sms me to not tell john about the phone call. sesuai. owh. i think she got my number from john's sister's phone because he sent me a message using her number. john, why didn't you delete the sent message? now i wish that his mom would just tell me to stop contacting him instead of this. i'm no good with parents. 'heart always had to drag me to his family's house because always, i'd make up excuses to avoid coming over. now this? i guy that i just met last week and his mom's calling me already?? i asked mili if it's a sign to just stick to whatever's here for me and she said: "no. it's a new step. a step to your most avoided zone: parents." i'm skeptical about her opinion. but i'm still thinking about john and his lips. his mom should've been a major turn-off, right? right? right???

we can't always get what we want. but maybe the things that we already have are the ones that we really need.

the over-socialized leftist

'The moral code of our society is so demanding that no one can think, feel and act in a completely moral way. For example, we are not supposed to hate anyone, yet almost everyone hates somebody at some time or other, whether he admits it to himself or not. Some people are so highly socialized that the attempt to think, feel and act morally imposes a severe burden on them. In order to avoid feelings of guilt, they continually have to deceive themselves about their own motives and find moral explanations for feelings and actions that in reality have a non-moral origin. We use the term "oversocialized" to describe such people'

extracts from the Unabomber Manifesto

technology is the new way to destructions

Pernah baca 'the Unabomber Manifesto'? it's very long and i only managed to read only a quarter of it before getting distracted by work or nature's call. if i'm not mistaken, the whole idea of the Unabomber Manifesto was about technology and what's not good about it. Theodore Kaczynski was a professor who despised technology that he once lived in a house with no electricity, no water and had to hunt for his food. he personally thought that technology will destroy how our society works and will also decrease self-esteem. no. this entry is not about anarchism or not even near political. but yeah. technology is sometimes unhealthy. been there, done that. too much of myspace (that's a part of technology, right?) is bad for your health. it's easier to send around someone's nude pictures using email or mobile phone (two very important devices of technology). and blogging. all you have to do is type some nasty words about something or a person, sit back, count to 10 and smile to the stir you have managed to create. technology makes life easier. technology kills, too. please google up those koreans who died because of sitting too long in front of the computer. i have to agree with this line from the manifesto:

'By "feelings of inferiority" we mean not only inferiority feelings in the strictest sense but a whole spectrum of related traits: low self-esteem, feelings of powerlessness, depressive tendencies, defeatism, guilt, self-hatred, etc. We argue that modern leftists tend to have such feelings (possibly more or less repressed) and that these feelings are decisive in determining the direction of modern leftism.'

anyway, this is a self-centered blog right? so, it's all about me, right?

macam ni lah. i hate myspace. i hate it when i found out about stuff that i'm not supposed to find out on myspace. me and 'heart continuously argue because of myspace. tapi dulu kami berhubung melalui friendster...

i'm nearing the quarter part of my life

i was walking towards my car & was thinking whether i should get nasi lemak or nothing so maybe i can have the tasty chicken chop at a nearby college for lunch but then i decided on the nasi lemak because then i remember about having only RM10 in my purse. the usual thing around the office to have heavy breakfast and skip lunch. then as i get into the car, i touched my hair if it was in place & thought to myself that i should just leave it short until forever (since it made me look younger). then i changed my mind. i should just let my hair grow longer until i'm 25 (kononnya nanti panjang gila la pasal lambat lagi pun aku nak 25). i forgot that i'm gonna be 25 by end of this year. like, ALREADY?? and where am i now? i'm nearing 25, i forgot about my passion, i'm not satisfied on my current salary and my current post is graphic designer but if you only knew what we're working on right now...i'm not even doing good in my love-life. apa benda ni eh? quarter-life crisis? macam confirm saja hidup sampai seratus tahun. there's too much things to think about, consider & decision to be made. gila untuk orang yang kerap-kali quote 'go as it flow'. kau ingat kau air sungai ke? mereka mana ada life.

i think i need a break. from everything. a vacation sounds nice. tapi bulan depan kena renew roadtax and insurance. haihhh...

10 pengajaran hidup yang 'sesuai'

1- Janganlah kita mempertikaikan orang lain sebab suatu hari nanti kita akan jadi orang yang dipertikaikan itu. wise words from the karma.

2- Benci boleh, tapi jangan benci yang terlampau kerana suatu hari nanti kita akan terlalu mencintai sesuatu yang paling dibenci itu.

3- what goes around, comes around. so just be ready for it to come.

4- don't bullshit another bullshitter. haha.

5- kalau nak menipu, plan betul-betul. inform rakan-rakan yang terlibat dalam penipuan.

6- kalau nak menipu, jangan lupa save sent messages. nanti kantoi terang-terangan. haha.

7- kita tidak lah boleh memaksa seseorang itu mencintai kita. sememangnya, cinta itu kan tidak boleh dipaksa.

8- never take things for granted. jangan sampai yang dikejar tak dapat, yang dikendong berciciran.

9- tak payah terlalu fikirkan apa pendapat orang sekeliling. kalau suka, teruskan saja.

10- jangan selalu berjanji kalau tak mampu ditunaikan. nanti buat sakit hati.

senja jingga

warna jingga yang menghiasi langit
dialunkan dengan ungu yang malu
waktu senja indah bagaikan puisi

dan hati ini
menari-nari dengan alunan senja
pergerakan yang sayu
lemah-longlai
seakan-akan tahu sesuatu
yang tak di-ingini akan berlaku

hati, kamu dengarlah
jangan kamu berdegil lagi
sudah tiada gunanya
dedaun pintu kamu itu
harus ditutup sahaja

mungkin hujan emas di negara orang
kita tidak tahu
doa, doa sahaja yang mampu kita berikan

dan mungkin, hari esok
rezeki akan datang menyinggah
tiba berlimpah-limpah
tapi untuk hari ini,
senja ini,
dibiarkan tutup sahaja
dedaun pintu kamu.

-f.z.k-

taken from myspace.com blogs

all i had for the weekend was a gift to brag

"nah. here's the money that i owe you, for you to go & buy me my birthday gift," i shoved RM150 to mili's hand. she gave me back a hundred for me to go & get it myself. well that's not too nice, is it? so i told her to get the gift. & if she couldn't find one that fits, there's always next year. then we continued our journey to the hypermarket to get some provisions for abah. since i had wasted 4 hours that saturday afternoon for slumber, i insisted that we go to MPH first before the groceries. langkah kanan. but kind of langkah kiri for mili because MPH was doing a sale on some of the books & i came across a book entitled: The Rolling Stones, A Life On The Road. ha ha. note: there are 3 places mili & i will spend like forever at: a) thrift store b) bookstore c) hypermarket. anyways, she got me that big book of the rolling stones & a book on celebrities' truths or lies by some pop writer. that rolling stones book is my favourite gift so far (because i got to choose) & i wouldn't mind bragging about it to just about anyone.

later that night, al & i decided we should do the movie session we've been planning since the last 2-3 weeks. he was excited, coming over to pick me up in his classic BMW with sunroof. it's really classic because you have to twind the knob (yang macam kat tingkap kereta tu) to open/close the sunroof. our movie session started off late because we thought it'll be nice to drive to the only reggae bar in the city where anne & di 'ada hal'. by the time we reached al's place, it was too sleepy for us to stay focus & al passed out first before i crashed in. earlier he said of a breakfast at the cafe & yada yada yada & we woke up at 12 which al was already late for a soundcheck session at a nearby mall. breakfast? right. it rained lightly that sunday afternoon & i thought of opening the sunroof but i don't know if al would agree to that. i wonder how it'd feel like. i should get a sunroof for my kenari, no?
"do you love 'heart?" al asked, while maneuvering the steering wheel.
"well, aku sayang dia. i do get jealous at times."
"i think you love him but NOT in love with him. if you are, there won't be any hesitations in answering the question itself." GULP. his answer was true for i know that myself. i wanted to deny his facts. i thought if i brush away all these negative ideas, i'll be in love with 'heart once more. but i don't like the feeling of 'heart hanging out with his friends which is what he's been doing currently with the reason that his friend is flying off to Libya & will only be back in october. fiiiiine with me. yes. i am that selfish of a person. al said sometimes, you just have to face the fact that the people that you love & loves you back doesn't think much about you. maybe i did the same towards him before. i should be carefree. and should stop thinking too much. it's just karma, right? he'll miss me when his friend's not around later. after all these hoo-haas, everything'll be fine, right?

lapsap of the future

owh. no wonder i dreamt of flying off in a spaceship to meet ville valo last night. but i didn't get to meet him because i had to wake up for work. reality is B-O-R-I-N-G.

empty is worthless

can you fill me in?

i've come to realize that i have nothing. nothing inside, nothing to give, nothing to share. exactly like an empty jar. i have no passion, no talent and it feels like all the things up in my head, from school, college and mistakes have been drained along the way. my colour has gone dull and you can't spot any lights on me anywhere. even the slightest bit. i'm no longer good at anything that even my cat left me.
"azuki dah balik?"
"belum."
"nanti dia balik lah. jangan sedih, okay?" 'heart tried to sooth me.
"mmhmm..."
"hey, jangan sedih"
-
"you? hello?"
-
"dengar tak?"
"mmhmm...okay" my eyes couldn't hold back the tears. as i said before, i hate to be alone, helpless and dependent. mungkin naluri curiosity kejantanan azuki sudah membuak. or he doesn't love me anymore.
i had a dream last night. la science des reves was playing on the laptop before i dozed off into my own personal movie. abah was still a dentist but his clinic, instead of the big government facing the traffic of the city, was just a small one, in one of the shop lots in front of central market. i came and pick him up from work, he was smiling. he told me of a friend named kopi that he always have philosophical conversations with. out of the corner of the clinic came a guy with a black t-shirt, cargo shorts, black baseball cap & glasses and waved towards abah. weird. that particular kopi looked exactly like that SDN blogger. the dream was brown in colour like of those vintage movies. somehow, mimpi itu buat aku bahagia. buat aku rasa perasaan sewaktu kami semua masih sebuah keluarga. a dream that i wouldn't mind re-playing over & over again. aku macam kehilangan. rasa rindu. tapi tidak begitu pasti apa yang dicari, apa yang dirindui.