why today is such a good monday

thanks downtrodden! :D

matchmaking: mangsa berikutnya...

"ei, korang ni takda calon nak kahwin ke?" terasa soalan mak bagaikan satu anak panah yang tiba-tiba menerjah antara aku dan mili.

"ei, aku nak isi minyak lah. where's the nearest petrol pump?" aku tanya mili, while maneuvering the steering wheel.

"kat sini tak boleh masuk kiri. kena pusing depan sana" mili seemed to be ignoring the killer question from mak. iya lah. kami berdua pun sedang mengalami masalah relationship tiba-tiba ditembak dengan soalan yang best. gugup sekejap. aku ketawa kecil.

"what do you mean 'korang'??? i'm still young okay???" mili memberi jawapan. mak terkekeh di belakang. she continued telling us how my younger cousin is currently going out with a technician and might be tying the knot. the thing is, she kept changing her phone number, everytime she changes boyfriend. you get the idea. yesterday we went back to seremban to see my 91-year-old grandmother and for mak to attend her mesyuarat gossip between her two close sisters. by the end of the day, nama aku naik menjadi topik. dulu, anne always told me stories about her supportive aunts who love to play matchmaker for her. aku fikir, merepek. nampaknya turn aku sudah sampai.

"chinese look, your age, tall," described fana. the guy that they're trying to matchmake me with is a friend of her current boyfriend. woi!!! aku yang masih mamai dari tidur petang, bersuara dalam hati. si ahbeng tu kerja di seremban, aku di kota durjana ni. sesuai ke? boleh jadi ke hubungan jarak jauh ni? aku pun sebenarnya suka saja jadi matchmaker tapi bila aku yang jadi item-nya, rasa bengang pun ada. beralah kepada pilihan mak, tidak pernah langsung terlintas di fikiran aku. i'm only 24. i shouldn't be worrying about this. THEY shouldn't be worrying about it either. mentang-mentang dah pencen, sesuka saja nak buat keputusan. eleh, macamlah si ahbeng tu pun interested. entah-entah sudah pun mempunyai buah hatinya sendiri. aku ni pun bukannya interesting sangat pun. elle kata pendirian aku macam lelaki. memang ada betulnya statement dia. bukannya hati perempuan aku hilang terus, tapi untuk di lihat dengan mata kasar, agak susah untuk orang yang tak dikenali. perlu diseluk dalam-dalam. that's why i think it's weird if any male is interested in me. perangai merepek, siapa nak? aku pun tak nak. haha.

tapi apa kata ku try saja si ahbeng ni? tak salah kan kalau berkawan? at least, i can have someone to hang out with whenever i come down to seremban. mana tahu dia merempit ke, boleh aku try rasa perasaan lentik atas motor. haha.

PERHATIAN

aku sudah mengagak yang satu hari nanti akan ada unsur salah faham. john yang aku kerap taipkan namanya di senandung konspirasi, adalah john.j, okay?
bukan john yang ini.
gila ke? dia ni kan celebrity.

it's gonna be john.j from today.
haiyo...

soalan-soalan weekend

sebenarnya siapa yang mencipta sistem tagging ni? kalau yang menarik ok, yang macam haram mampus malas nak layan. tapi sekadar mengisi masa lapang, layankan saja bila di-tag oleh cikanum.

1. Who were you with last night?
• nata yang serabut (and i didn't help much. hoho)

2. What woke you up this morning?
• sunlight and running nose.

3. Where are you?
• workplace. kota siber.

4. Is tonight going to be a good night?
• hmm...i hope. better be because it's friday!

5. Did you kiss or hug anyone today?
• not yet.

6. When was the last time you cried?
• last week. continuously. gila.

7 . Ever thrown up in public?
• yeah. well, not really in public. in my class back in primary school. aah. should've caught that on camera.

8. Passed out because of alcohol?
• i don't drink alcohol. i hope i won't. because that's the reason: pass out.

9. whats on your mind right now?
• changing the playing track to another, by the same artist.

10. Would you take a bullet for anyone?
• it depends. (owh shit. did i just answer that? should've been "hell no")

11. Where would you like to live?
• on an island. or somewhere in europe where you can wear stylish winter clothes.

12. What do you want to name your children?
• senandung. senja. dahlia. cempaka.

13. Who is your number 3 on myspace?
• i think it's andre.

14. Have you kissed your number one?
• of course. hot macam tu, who can resist???

15. Who was the last person that left you a comment?
• the last time i checked, it was shahril. or was it munky...

16. Do you listen to music every day?
• damn right, nigga!

17. About how many people have you liked?
• about too many.

18. What are you doing this weekend?
• i'm gonna see john. i'm gonna see his passion. i'm gonna spend the weekend just smelling him.

19 . Whats your favorite drink?
• coffee. limau ais. ouh. hot chocolate with marshmallow. ok. i don't really have a favourite drink.

20 . Have you ever won an award?
• award? bunyi macam grand sangat. adalah sekali dua menang piala masa muda dulu.

21. What do you want to do right now?
• to think straight. so i can know what i want to do right now.

22. Who are you with?
• alone.

23. Do you like someone right now?
• like, yes. love, yes. crush, yes. hate, yes.

24 . How long ’til your birthday?
• 9 months.

25. When were you the saddest in your whole life?
• october of 2006. gila tragedi oktober.

26. What time is it?
• 1:15 pm

27. What makes you mad?
• mad (angry): potong queue. broken promises. the same mistake over and over again.
mad (crazy): sweetness.

28. Have you ever had a song written about you?
• nope. owh wait. haha. i remember of an ex-boyfriend who sang a song, recorded it and gave the cd to me because i left him for another guy. i'm so cruel. but i think he made the lyrics himself. i can't listen to it because i get goosebumps and can't stop laughing about it. jahatnya.

29 . What song makes you cry?
• some stuff by telepopmusik. sometimes portishead.

30. What song makes you happy?
• peter, bjorn and john - young folks.

31. What do you like to listen to before you go to bed?
• running up that hill - placebo, can't fall asleep - zimpala

32. Do you have a job?
• yeah. but it's not fulfilling my passion. owh wait. aku ada passion ke?

33. What made you smile today?
• 21642-one hundred


now i think these people should get tagged:
peej
nonoy
robot asmara
yaya
missy f

kalau tak buat pendek umur. haha. ahli nujum tu yang cakap...

burung mengomel

burung mengomel (eksotik dari bangi)

cara-cara penjagaan:
diberi makanan
- pagi diberi karipap
- lunch
- dinner

*perlu mendengarnya bercakap untuk menjaga hati.
*hantar kelas main drum.

(6:16 PM) Zam: apsal tak ayam mengomel?
(6:22 PM) nikolay tyutyunnik: ni mase die masih seekor burung
(6:22 PM) nikolay tyutyunnik: benda ni aku lukis last year
(6:23 PM) Zam: ooo
(6:23 PM) Zam: dulu burung
(6:23 PM) Zam: skang upgrade ayam la eh
(6:27 PM) nikolay tyutyunnik: AHAHHAHAHA
(6:27 PM) nikolay tyutyunnik: damn right, nigga!
(6:27 PM) Zam: tu la
(6:27 PM) Zam: tadi ben ckp sponge BOP
(6:27 PM) Zam: haha
(6:29 PM) nikolay tyutyunnik: ala, cam tak biasa je
(6:29 PM) nikolay tyutyunnik: slang ayam die kan kadang2 klua
(6:29 PM) nikolay tyutyunnik: ape aritu? bload instead of blog
(6:29 PM) Zam: bload
(6:29 PM) Zam: haah
(6:29 PM) Zam: mcm dorector la
(6:30 PM) nikolay tyutyunnik: sial la. kena kat aku balik
(6:30 PM) Zam: mcm tak bese je

kucing pun boleh move on

buat aku jatuh cinta

i came home quite restless lastnight. shits were playing on my mind again. at the same time, ada penyapu yang sedang menyapu keluar segala craps and shits. a couple of adult cats were hanging out by the stairs. secara automatik, tersembur "azuki!" dari mulut aku. and God only knows how fast my heart beat went when looking at me straight in the eye, was azuki. ya. kucing aku yang hilang waktu hati aku sedang gundah gulana, meninggalkan aku seorang tanpa teman tidur. when did your heart go missing? azuki kurus dan comot but he grew up handsomely. among the cats, he was the most good looking one. no kidding. aku yang manusia pun jatuh cinta, apatah lagi kucing-kucing betina yang lain. i miss him so much i felt like crying. hish. asyiiiiik je la nangis. otak aku mula memikirkan cara-cara to fit him in my apartment upstairs since i've already got lucid. nanti mesti gaduh. but i wanted him so much. i moved forward to grab him and bring him home but instead he walked slowly towards a female black cat. sayu. azuki sudah matang. the noisy kitten 'heart and i brought all the way from the south to here has grown up and not the same red bean i used to know. waktu aku berjalan pergi meninggalkan azuki dengan kehidupan barunya, aku sedar:

i should move on too.

zach de la rocha sergah "wake up!"

steve aoki, yang kerap kali memanjat, bergayut atas DJ counter dan kemudian buat terjunan berani-diraba malam minggu lalu, buat aku rindu pada rage against the machine. zaman aku masih budak hingusan. when i was small, i had this favourite past-time (unfavourable by along) which is to go around his stuff. what was i supposed to do, he was the only one around i can look up to (for my age at that time). among his old cassettes, i found RATM, koRn and spawn's soundtrack very intriguing. the next week he brought home a cd and called me up to his room. "listen to this. cuba teka siapa." a familiar voice blared out of his desktop machine's speakers. "incubus eh?" i recognized boyd's voice from my favourite track on spawn's album. and s.c.i.e.n.c.e. became the album yang aku agung-agungkan. ye la. budak hingusan remember?aku semacam teruja dengan sound yang heavy begitu. aku naik excited bila along came home with Family Value's video tape (circa 97-98). and that's where i learned about limp bizkit, sevendust, coal chamber, rammstein, orgy, deftones dan yang seangkatan lain. i turned from blur, oasis to american music. owh. dan hanya selepas band-band nu metal ini, baru aku tahu pasal nirvana yang digembar-gemburkan rakan sekelas aku. lembab, aku tahu. lucu, aku teringat waktu aku cuba menerangkan the different sound between american rock and brit rock to mili, my younger sister. entah faham ke tidak budak kecil itu. but she was the reason why i was standing there, with the tank top anne bought for me from phuket, watching steve aoki's hair flew all over his face. that black circuit sponsored event, aku nyaris ketinggalan atas beberapa perkara yang tidak sepatutnya berlaku. you see, last week, ada semacam kuasa asing yang cuba untuk menjatuhkan self-esteem aku. lepas satu, satu aku diuji. i cried for a few consecutive days. semua yang disimpan dalam-dalam keluar melimpah. tentang seorang bekas kekasih, tentang seorang kawan, tentang perasaan-perasaan semalam. semuanya ada kaitan dengan cemburu. nah. "inilah padahnya asyik disimpan perasaan tu." aku keluh pada yang sudi mendengar. i know that i'll be frustrated, but i keep coming back for more. dan kawan, bukankah sesungguhnya you should understand my emotional situation? i didn't want to tell her straight because i'd so much like to avoid scenes. pasal aku pun sendiri tahu, 'heart and i are not together anymore, so he's a free bird. "kau tengok? why do you still have to care when they don't even care about your feelings?" anne membebel ada aku. terasa diri macam bodoh sangat. tapi perasaan, anne. bak kata faalifyazai, jiwa ini bukanlah kalis peluru. dah lah. i think i should just move forward, jangan ditoleh belakang lagi kerana aku tahu, if i do turn around, even just for a peek, i know i'll come running back for those heartache moments. aku pun hanyalah setakat "kawan yang baik sangat."

the only good thing that happened to me, was john. the sweetest thing that has ever happened to me. so far. we went for a drive and as i had my laptop with me, we came with this crazy idea: the science of sleep, in a car, some petrol station, 4.30am. i was amazed how john actually watched the movie until the credits came up. the guy that i have the hots for, actually paid attention to my favourite movie. kalau aku ada time-machine macam dalam movie tu, aku akan rewind that movie session for it was the best movie date i've ever had. seriously, if you were to ask me, i really don't know how to be your close friend. because the feelings i have for you is more than that. so you did a mural for me. john, entry tentang kamu, menang banyak kerusi di senandung konspirasi. does that answer your question?

haih. but why do i always fall for sweethearts? the type where girls are so easy to fall for. oh no. not the same thing all over again?

superpower

since i'm not working on anything urgent now, i'd give peej the pleasure of posting an entry she tagged me a few days ago.


1- Apa superpower idaman anda? Choose only one.
2- Siapa superhero/watak yang mempengaruhi pilihan itu?
3- Kenapa superpower yang itu?
4- Apakah kelemahan kamu? We're never perfect right?
5- Apakah nama superhero kamu?
6- Motto superhero kamu pula?

1- besides being normal, i'd like to be invisible.

2- nobody. okay. those people who always get caught red handed. haha.

3- i think being invisible makes it easier for me to get away with stuff. or stalking. which happens to be my favourite past time. when i'm invisible, i can follow anyone home without them noticing and i'll get to know how they live their lives. the poor, the average, the rich. plus, i get to be as near as i want to be to the person i really like. to smell them.

4- heavy rain, thunder and lightning. these three things will make me visible again and of course when i'm using my superpower, i'm totally nude.

5- invie.

6- "you'll never catch me red handed. just nude."

so now i'm supposed to tag another five people:
robot asmara
andre nasution
meow
sarah
ben donnie

okay superheroes! go and show off your superpowers!!!

a daydream

a figure stood by the counter, she was staring far away beyond what was outside the window. stirring slowly her cup of coffee which made soft clinking sound as the spatula hit the inside of her mug. it seems that she was staring at the tall brown building ahead of her. but her mind was somewhere else. maybe the past. maybe the future. maybe today. or maybe she wasn't thinking at all. but the coffee's aroma in the air, circling her, sent her far away from where she stood. she felt a sudden urge of romance developed in her. she sipped her coffee and let out a soft sigh. as she was about to turn away, to get on with the day's reality, somebody stood in her way.
"you know, i've been thinking. we can't really have what we want. but sometimes we can get what we want and it all depends on us, making the decision and push away all hesitations. i want you."
his hands around her hands, helping her the burden of holding the hot coffee. she smiled. she was just picturing the same situation a moment ago and it was happening in front of her.

i had always picture this situation in my head. the dreamer i am.
but how weirdly bizarre, i can't seem to see his face. even the slightest bit. i wonder who's this stranger that will surprise me with the sweetest gesture. only time will tell.

if there aren't any traffic jam on the highway. or maybe after a cigarette or two.

lucid

new kitten of mixed breed (british shorthair).
very manja. got a fetish for feet.
his name's lucid.

as i mature

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place!

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

you can pass this on. maybe something good will come your way.

if not...tough shit, dude.
original copy

hidup yang unfair lagi pendek

last thursday, another of mili's friend passed away because of an accident. apparently, he was mili's bestfriend's boyfriend (that passed away last christmas). mungkin dia cinta kuat...Al-Fatihah. so mili and i decided that hidup ini pendek. kita sudah tidak mampu membuang masa lagi. every choices that we chose have to be the right ones. mistakes tidak perlu diulangi lagi. dan pasal hidup ini pendek, sememangnya kita tidak mungkin akan dapat apa yang kita mahu. we know ourselves that we want a whole bunch of things but what we really have to work for are the things that we really need. aku tahu, dalam jangkamasa aku hidup 24 tahun ini, pelbagai chances passed me by tapi aku hanya mengendahkannya dangan alasan lack of self-esteem mahupun mungkin ada orang di luar sana yang lebih memerlukan those chances offered to me. though sometimes we can actually have what we want cuma tak boleh saja. alaa, tak boleh lah atas sebab-sebab tertentu (yang kadang-kadang atas sebab-sebab tak munasabah pun ada). i have always had this indecisiveness in me, for example when i used to take public transport to get me somewhere, and late for a date, i can't decide which public transport (train? bus? cab?) i should take to get there fast. sometimes, i even hesitate on whether i'm on the right route to my house (yes. even if i've been using it hundred of times). jadi, hidup lah seboleh-bolehnya hari ini untuk hari ini, macam esok tak akan ada. appreciate and caress what you have now. mistakes in the past should be a lesson and not to be repeated. masa itu bagaikan si arnab putih yang kelam-kabut bergegas untuk berjumpa queen of hearts dalam cerita fantasi alice in wonderland. kerap kali kita mengutarakan kisah life yang unfair. mungkin selama ini ikita telah memilih the wrong choices? anne said: 'yang baik itu datang dari Tuhan. yang jahat datang dari kita yang terpedaya dengan godaan syaitan.'

dan ingat, since our lives are short, our parents' lives are even shorter. thanks anne for reminding me.

my hexagon wall

"aah! uncle! very nicely done!"

"thanks. but what do you need this for? if you were to be staying inside this fort-like wall, how are you supposed to communicate with other people?"

"well, isn't that the whole point of building this? to avoid them? i feel secured like that, you know?"

"hmph. i still don't get it."

"you see, i'm afraid i can't deal with certain things. people, to be specific. so i've decided i should just keep things to myself. i don't think those people out there would mind. they won't care, anyway. besides, it's a relief for them so i won't bore them with my shits and craps."

"you think so?"

"i'm sure. positive."

"but you do know building this wall is part of a negative thinking, right?"

"uncle, i'm paying for this. and i need it fast."

"okay. whatever suits you."

smiles sweetly, "thank you."

how i could just kill someone

have you ever felt this rage inside where you feel like punching that someone in the face? kick his/her head? step continuously on his/her chest? take a hammer and smash his/her head? using coin to scratch his/her car? take the knife and slash him/her all over the body? and repeatedly punch him/her in the face until you can't even recognize them?
lepas tu kau rasa macam nak mencarut non-stop. sambil jerit sekuat hati.
lepas tu kau sambung doing the cruel things you were feeling just now.

SEPAK! SEPAK! SEPAK! TENDANG! TENDANG! TENDANG!
sampai mati.

lepas tu kau basuh tangan with hygienic hand-wash soap.
head to your bed and you cry your whole heart out.
then you sleep for a week.

and when you wake up, everything looks, feels normal again.

i'm having these emotional distractions. owh Tuhan. bantu aku.

from the katapult series

money talks, bullshit walks

the other night, i was forced by anne to join her business preview in the city. she won't sit still pestering me about her new valuable discovery so i had to say yes to her invitation. okay. 30% of me wanted to know what's the buzz about. as we reached the floor where the preview was held, i felt uneasy. the place was full of corporate looking people and i have this thing about crowded places with unfamiliar faces. senang cerita, i hate the atmosphere. all the time, i kept telling myself, "hey, i shouldn't be this negative. just give this thing a chance. maybe it's worth it." around 8.30pm, we walked in the hall where the preview was done and it was already half-filled. they estimated the audience about a thousand that night. anne's other business partners walked around with this big positive sign on their head. being in the hall, i felt like as if i was attending some kind of a cult's gathering. terlalu banyak aura positif in the air, it's eerie. and they played the future's video on the large screen in front. fakta-fakta yang dihujahkan agak merisaukan dan juga separuh menakutkan. anggaran tentang kemungkinan besar, 10 tahun akan datang, orang-orang berpendapatan RM10,000 akan dilabelkan antara orang-orang bertaraf rendah. overall, the preview was good. tapi buat hati aku gusar. ya, aku yang ignorant ini.
so my colleagues and i were smoking outside the office just now and i suddenly popped the question:
"are you happy with what you are right now? do you think you can achieve what you want and need in say, 5 years time?"

sumpah aku goyang after attending the preview. both of my colleagues were silenced by my question. "owh. itu hari aku checkout business preview." mereka menarik nafas lega pasal aku bukan jenis orang yang suka nak pop killer questions. statement 'bila ada duit, choices are yours' sememangnya betul. kalau kita tidak ada duit, skop pilihan kita kecil. for an example, you only have RM5 for lunch so either you go to the mamak stall or get nasi campur. itu pun lauk kene budget. if you have RM20 for lunch, you can checkout any fast food restaurants or makanan yang lebih menyelerakan dari makanan mamak. alaa, you get the idea right? okay. let's talk about savings. in 10 years time, nilai duit akan naik. jadi macam mana kamu save pun, sama sahaja. faham? macam ini: sekarang se-tin Coke RM1.50, in 5 years time boleh mencecah RM5. so, if in 10 years time your savings reaches RM50, 000, the value is just the same as RM10, 000. lebih kurang begitulah. now it got you thinking right? always they say, it's not the money that matters. itu dulu. sekarang semuanya duit. nak kahwin pun, melafazkan cinta sejati, perlu ada duit. to live your passion, you've got to have the dough. nak fly to amsterdam kena ada dough, mate. by the time i have RM5000, the airfare will be more expensive than today's. tapi ada sesuatu yang aku agak gusar tentang business preview malam isnin lepas. honestly, i don't have that amount of money for me to start the business. conclusion: loan. i'm not confident with loans. bukannya RM100-200. thousands weih. and currently i have debts too. contemplations. complications. another fact is, i don't like to be pestered doing the stuff that i don't like. when i'm ready, i'll join the business. kalau tak, tak lah. aku masih ada banyak lagi perkara remeh yang perlu difikirkan.

jangan judgmental sangat

i have a couple of favourite words that i use randomly, kadang-kadang berulang kali. kadang-kadang (sometimes) adalah salah satu word itu. mungkin (maybe). sekarang, di waktu ini (currently, at the moment). because we might never know what's gonna happen in the future. i'm a bit paranoid of my own words coming back to me, hitting me straight in the face. i don't want to get involved with situations like:

"eleh. dulu kau sibuk dengan capitalism, independent this and that. look at yourself now."

or

"i thought you hated gays. why are you dating one now?"

dudes and dudettes, we really can't predict the future. so better be careful of the words that'll be coming out of your mouth. if you don't like something, say it nicely. jangan menuduh melulu. aku tahu kamu berkobar-kobar menegakkan fahaman kamu. tapi mungkin kamu boleh cuba jaga hati mereka sekeliling. ya. manusia rambut sama hitam, hati dia kan lain-lain. don't be too judgmental. like i said before, lambat-laun kamu akan jadi EXACTLY macam orang yang kamu pertikaikan, those people you love to judge so much. i used to really hate skateboarders but i ended up with one. tapi itu cerita lepas. karma slapped me hard in the face with my own judgmental words.

jadi, kalau tak suka, diam-diam sudah. tak perlu dikhabarkan pada seluruh alam.
owh. 'tak suka' juga antara salah satu favourite words aku. and 'sabar je lah'.

ha'ah. mungkin aku dari species atas pagar.

redhead

contoh matsalleh rambut merah with freckles yang aku suka.

Name: Shaun White
Gender: Male
Hometown: Carlsbad, California
Date of Birth: September 3, 1986
Occupation: Pro Skateboarder, Pro Snowboarder
Began Skating: 1993
First Sponsored: 2003
Turned Pro: 2003
Favored Discipline: Vert
Stance: Regular
#1 Sponsor: Burton
Nickname: Flying Tomato

but i prefer to think him as a snowboarder. because if i take him as a skateboarder, macam potong. entah. naluri.

a forever boy

i love boys.
their boyish smiles.
their boyish smell.
their boyish attentiveness.

i dislike men.
they are ignorant.
egoist.
ambitious.

so i've decided
whenever my boy turns to a man,
i'll get myself another boy.

-fzk-

and i shall struggle the ocean for a boy
who will always stays a boy.

these filthy feelings

aah. i still have a couple of tattoos to get rid off. perlu dihakis kasar dengan sebilah pisau. let it bleed and hurt so later it won't hurt anymore. pasal sudah kebas. because then, the tattoos won't be there anymore and everything will be forgotten. i'll become neutral once again.
weekend, i've been contemplating with myself. i'm happy. ada butir-butir excited, always changing colours: warm fuzzy ones. but why am i so pissed on stuff he's doing? why do i STILL have to care? i'm ignorant too. benci dengan perasaan yang jahat. aku benci bila aku moody. benci okay? bukan 'tak suka'.

oh Tuhan. i'm asking for your forgiveness and to lessen this filthy feelings inside of me. jealousy and revenge weakens me. buatkan hati aku bersih dari unsur-unsur negatif sesungguhnya aku sudah penat mempunyai perasaan ini. please make me strong so i can face my coming days and be a better person with a good heart.





tapi john, i like it how you held my hand just to pass me a sip of self-esteem. whenever my hand is in yours, i wouldn't mind drowning. let's drown again. life seems much better underwater.

undilah daft punk

kenapa masih ada di luar sana yang tidak dapat menerima daft punk? or jamiroquai?

kenapa weih?
kamu rugi.

hope it's not her last sitting

yeah. i had to agree with the photographer, bert stern on choosing lindsay lohan to re-portray marilyn monroe's The Last Sitting (a series of erotic photographs taken 6-weeks before she was found dead). i have a thing for matsalleh, red-head, freckles. and attitude like miss lohan? makes it perfect.

hmm...kalau badan aku cantik macam mereka, teringin juga shoot foto erotik begini.

click five

owh. aku di tagged oleh sarah. :)

1. list 5 or 50 of your favourite links.
2. tag another 5 or 50 other people. and inform them.

gmail.com - jobstreet rajin hantar aku job vacancies. but most of them requires chinese language knowledge. spoken/written.

wikipedia.org - seronok. everything's there. sometimes i spend a little too much time on wikipedia. klik itu ini.

dictionary.com - i'm not good in my english. you get the idea.

blogger.com - pasal myspace, friendster, facebook dan yang mana-mana website labeled under dating services sudah di banned at my work place. tsk.

veoh.com - pasal youtube pon kena banned. it was stage6.com previously, but they had to shutdown the website due to high expenses maintaining the website. jadi mereka mengesyorkan veoh.com.

5 is enough kan? okay. so it's my turn now to tag another 5 blogger.

ben donnie - pasal aku nak tengok ayam suka checkout website apa.

downtrodden - ahahahahaha..

hanum - mesti ada website tentang photography.

mills - owh. come on. do this, okay?

scorchys - only nice, general website. no lucah-lucah, okay?

and don't forget to jot down the name of the person who tagged you. that's right. senandung konspirasi.

hati dia yang melukis, hati aku yang menangis

"close your eyes."
he took my left hand gently and guided me between white walls to an open space.
"okay."


bright colours, painting as tall as an express bus, stood in front of me. i turned to him and said "spare me the details of this mural." ada nombor, ada rumah, ada daisy, ada mimpi, ada curiga, ada perasaan. i was speechless as my eyes darted from a detail to another. last night, time was on my side to just sit and stare at john's artwork. earlier i asked if i can come and have a look before the launching day because i know i'll feel uneasy staring at the painting with the place filled with unfamiliar people. tiba-tiba ada satu macam perasaan develop dalam diri. macam sebak tapi bukan. hati aku bisik "jangan keluar. not now." to be thinking a guy climbed a ladder to paint you, is awesome enough. macam ada ribut kecil dalam badan. i'm not good in giving comments since most of the time i like things the way they are. he asked if i wanted to add anything but i said it's his artwork, everything on the wall should just come from him. from his point of view. just like this blog of mine, everything from my personal point of view. before i drove home, we had a quick chat about us. there was something john said that made me stare up at the lamp post in front of us. cahaya yang samar-samar antara dahan pokok-pokok di bahu jalan yang menjadi saksi kepada celoteh kami sejak beberapa hari yang lalu. mata aku developed a thin layer of glass. i didn't dare look down, takut kaca-kaca halus itu pecah and cause a scene. but as i drove away, lighting up a cigarette, angin yang masuk melalui tingkap menerjah, memecahkan kaca-kaca itu. and as i'm typing these words, i still haven't found what made those small tears berani keluar.

maybe it was john's painting.
maybe those hidden feelings i had folded neatly inside.
maybe because aku terlalu sayang pada dia.
maybe the thought of this wonderful feeling might end one fine day.
maybe how we've given up on mending things.

alah. mungkin habuk kot.

nombor lapan yang 'ong'

Here's something you should do when you've got nothing else better to do.
List eight (8) random facts about yourself.
Tag 8 people at the end of your post and list their names.


1. i have this habit of taking off the label on my sampoerna box. you know the sticker on the side? i always take off all of it instead tear just a little bit. and i don't like crumpling the foil inside. it's neater if you fold it nicely.

2. i always wear my seat-belt. driving or not. because i don't want to waste my RM300 for a stupid fine. i don't know why my friends make a big deal out of it. besides, it's for your own safety.

3. i like switching off unused lights/fans. pasal mak selalu bebel. if i passed by an empty meeting room and the lights are on, tangan rasa gatal nak switch off.

4. juling air. tapi tidak merisaukan pasal ramai perempuan cantik juling air: kate moss, penelope cruz, rita rudaini, catherine zeta jones, ziana zain. dan aku rabun ayam (rabun di waktu malam). fortunately, aku tak berkokok di waktu pagi.

5. i don't bebel when i'm mad. instead i just shut myself up. and when i can't stand it anymore, i shout. i always have this image of an angry cheetah in my head whenever i shout out. owh. aku panas baran juga. sometimes.

6. cynical, bitter, very very sarcastic. i don't know where that came from because none of my parents are sarcastic. same goes to my brother but my sister is developing the same skills. congratulations!

7. i think too much. and apparently more on the negative side. but i'm learning to think positively now. but then again, i'm quite a slow learner.

8. when i'm depressed, i switch off my mobile phone and sleep. not that everything's going to be fine when i wake up but it' a good rest. tidur dalam jangkamasa yang lama, bangun, capai rokok. and the brain starts working out things.

9. a hopeless romantic. hopeless gila babi.

eh. just 8 stuff lah. alang-alang, add #10: i suck at mathematics.


okay. you people just tag yourselves lah. i'm indecisive.

chill yo!

chill'ing·ly adv., chill'ness n.

Our Living Language : In the 1980s and 1990s, chill gained currency as a slang term meaning "to relax, calm down." It is first recorded in 1979 and comes from Black English slang, which has frequently been a source of slang and informal words in Standard English, often through the medium of various African-American musical styles (in this case, rap and hip-hop).


no boundaries. no strings attached. no more endless arguments. no more murderous jealousy. no more stalking. no more motherfucken assumptions.
happy thoughts. happy thoughts. happy thoughts.

chill yo!

or of course there's this word called 'pretend'.

jealousy is unhealthy

standing in the middle of this open field with wild daisies swaying in harmony, the wind plays gently, swinging her cotton dress, clinking the small bells on her earrings to each other. inhaling deeply the scent of the ocean in the air, she closes her eyes and put the tip of her index finger inside her mouth. she then held up the wet index finger up in the air while listening to the whispering wind. slowly, her lips curved into a smile.

her friend, the wind, whispered in a very sweet calm tone;
"the wind of jealousy is heading your way. be strong, my dear for jealousy is unhealthy."