is that a pyramid on your head, miss?

this is, apparently, my current hair. eh. i look like one of dilbert's comic character lah.

love hurts a little when you do it right?

lastnight, elle, dilly, RZ & i ate at precinct 8 for our break-fast. had maghrib at a garden-themed surau & later tarawih at the central mosque. confession: i've never been to solat raya nor tarawih before. so last night was a first for me.
but after that, we headed to laundry bar. i was hesitant but since i was not in a good state of mind, i needed to be around people. 'heart called yesterday evening & i blurted out what i read in his sent box. true, it wasn't his fault that aerial text-ed him. but the messages he replied to her was not convincing. he said: "u yg cakap i can do whatever i want." yes i did. i was emotionally distracted that i wasn't thinking logically straight. so, everything came spanking back to my face. when i off my phone just to avoid talking about it, he sms: "kenape off phone? pengecut je buat mcm tu." true, when he said i have always been searching for his fault. but why did i do that? i feel this love for him but i can't understand myself like this. i kept searching for his faults & there's just no way i can trust him. bukankah kalau kita mencintai seseorang itu, bermaksud kita memberi sepenuh kepercayaan kepada dia? but i couldn't. i kept menuding jari. i can't accept his periuk nasi (which also means mingle around local celebrities). so i said to him lastnight: "i can't take this anymore. let's just stop here." my mouth was trembling, somewhat refused to say it out loud because deep inside, there is still love. for him. for this relationship. for all those memories we have together.
as he sent me off to my friends, he said: "i'll be waiting for your call."

i came home, slept, woke up, drove to the office, now sitting in front of two LCDs & i don't have any intentions of calling him.

not again. not now

last night, while 'heart was sleeping on my bed, i had the urge to check on his phone in box. nothing suspicious. but not his sent box. there were a couple of sms addressed to aerial. the day he said he was out of credit. & i'm mad again. at no matter how many times i told him not to do it, he still does. after what happened, he should know how much i hated her. i told him of how i despise him befriending her. & that girl. the nerve! she's already engaged to 'heart's friend. & once again i'm in sorrow. i don't need these shits to ruin this year's aidilfitri like how it did last year. for the whole ramadhan, i didn't eat. my friends even accused me of being a bulimic. but not this year. please have mercy on me, 'heart.

what's the point of you came running back to me when u can't even keep your promises? 'heart, i'm tired of confronting u. just make up your mind so i can at least be in peace.

scary gum infection

yesterday, i skipped work. drove ridiculously to abah's clinic, somewhat 40mins from my place. had toothache for the past few days. when i arrived, nobody else was there except for abah & his nurse. i guess the business's quite slow in this fasting month. i indicated the toothache to him: atas bawah, belah kiri. he said i got cracked tooth. that's scary. macam reput ke? but he couldn't find anything on belah atas. then he said: "u need scaling." uh-oh. i hate that. because he'd then found out that i've been smoking histerically all these while. but somehow i've got a feeling that he knew; all 3 of us smokes. scaling was bad-ass sakit. hmmph. apparently, i have some gum infection: which is why my gums easily bleeds. infection. to me depicts: zombies, ulat sampah. self-note: do not miss the next dental check-up. anak dentist kena gigi lawa. so after scaling, he asked whether i needed an MC. acting like a very rajin daughter, i said: "tak tau la. kalau sempat ni, masuk ofis balik". haha. i didn't know they can just give u like a little letter on time off for the dentist. yeaaahhh. i wanted to ponteng the whole day. so, dengan malunya, i said: "i think i'll just take the day off". & i got the MC.

today, i'm in a 2-days QuarkExpress course. just out of boredom. & the version that we're currently using is from 1997/98. haha. undo boleh sekali je. ok. i'm off to class now!

a series of happenings

i was too lazy to type.

that awaited friday night, i still try to say hi to elm, but to no avail. but we had that weird connection again on the dance floor. is he mysteriously my dance-partner now? hmm..i had so much fun that night, since it was the last friday before the ramadhan. no. i strictly banned myself from going to clubs in this blissful month. for the dj competition, cart lost to the only rose among the thorns that night. well, she did good on her set anyway.
saturday, i was at home, waiting for heart's sms. i did my laundry, cleaned up a quarter mess of my room & just lay around, daydreaming while azuki was jumping to whatever occasion he was celebrating. it was only late in the afternoon did i get an sms from heart saying he was to pick me up another 30mins for a friend's engagement, downtown. on the way to her place, i was emotionally distracted of a reason that i, myself couldn't recognize. aah.. i guess it was one of those days... heart kept asking what was wrong, but i just dunno how to answer him. but my friends engagement party was beautiful. strangers would've mistaken it as a wedding reception!
we went home early because the next day, i was involved in a treasure hunt organized by some community centre. the questions was extremely fucking hard when we thought the treasure hunt was supposed for rookies. honestly, i wanted to throw a chair at the organizer when he told us about how to find the answers. but overall, it was fun & we might wanna join the next teasure hunt. later, anne came with her current singing-group-of-boys for the event.
that same sunday afternoon, i asked around for elm's contact number.

lunch monday, he called. *big grin across face
& i acted foolish. like a total KAYGEEEE!!
but yesterday evening, he called again. *bigger grin across face

lapsap the forth coming

it was great because at last, elle joined in the fun.i brought mili along & found out she's been taking alcohol all these while. i said no, not when she's partying with me. kas-kas was stunningly beautiful. & there was elm. after saying out loud my thoughts to him, i decided to say hi the next time i see him. but my mouth was zipped up. weirdly, we danced the night away, next to each other. it was when mr. puah & 5ft played some old cantonese song that we laughed, looking at each other thinking of how silly the song goes.

elm, thanks for the mute-dance-floor-conversation. overall, i had fun & couldn't wait for friday to come. anne, u have to come to the next lapsap session.

elm, please kiss me instead

"do u know that u're hot?" and after i heard about what happened to him, i was glad he smiled.

& now his skinny pale body is lying across my bed. his hair covering part of his peaceful face. the LED clock beaming 6.00am. i guess he was exhausted from the party & the movie i asked him to watch with me. it's creepy how 'heart is only 10mins drive from my place plus two of his good friends live in the same house as i do. elle, she shook her head to the idea. which obviously meant, i'm on my own. slowly, i took charge of elm's camera. i clicked his white foot, his toes, his hair, eyelashes, ears, long fingers with yellow nails from the cigarettes we smoked. amazingly, his lips was pink. from a glimpse, u'd mistaken him as a girl. that's what made me drool over him: the fact that he does somewhat look like a girl. though i don't know him personally, i've got a feeling he really is a sweet thing deep inside. he mumbled, & i froze. but he dozed off to sleep again. i come nearer to his face. click. click. he slowly opened his eyes. realizing i was taking his pictures, he hide his face under the pillow. i took a sip of my sampoerna. wait for him to show his attractive face.

"pandai ke amik gambar?"
"u can just delete it if it's not good." i shrugged & exhale sinful smoke.

elm, who kissed coke. & now he's an addict.
i wonder how he would react to this fantasy of mine...