aku ke kau yang emo?

whateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhatever

immature much? YES. BUT DO I LOOK LIKE I GIVE A DAMN? NO.

i wish i could fix you, robot

i had a bad dream. i woke up and tried to call him but no answer. he said, "if anything, text up." and then i posted this on my wall:

You always win because I let you to. Because deep inside, you're an immature fragile soul. Your high wall of ego is all around, covering you up. But one day, someone will manage to crush it, get to you and squeeze your heart out just so it will beat again. Nothing is forever, remember?



i'm tired of him, popping up in my head first thing in the morning. not worth the space.

but i did want a conversation. i did!

dear Mike,

you managed to bring out the worst in me that night at that lil' club. i'm sorry, i was too startled to say anything intelligent.

i know i wrote somewhere in here that i'll say hi the next time i saw/met you. well, i guess i've forgotten about it. my God. how lame.

maafkan saya kerana saya tidak pandai berkata-kata. ergh!

kalau kau tahu, aku tahu kau akan lebih jual mahal

wish i could love you like how i love si anak kucing; cinta yang tidak perlu dibalas. cinta percuma. tapi yang aku rasa inside ini mahu you pay for it. with infinity of attentions.

bestnya jadi mereka yang boleh jumpa, tengok kau everyday. best sangat.

nothing can come close to this familiar feeling

Elle tanya, "kau rindu Ahmad?"

"ada. hmm..maybe aku rindu something else but somehow he came up in my mind. aku rindu pegang tangan."

Elle balas, "kau suka pegang tangan, kan?"

i shrugged, nodded.

silly little thing

tengah sibuk pasang bebola krismas, Elle tanya, "so you're going out with that budak TTDI tu ke?"

sedang sibuk pintal ranting pokok krismas, aku jawab, "i deleted his number."

Elle stopped adjusting the colourful shiny balls and looked at me.

"kau ni ada tekanan jiwa eh?"

my God. that sounded serious. freaked me out. seriously freaked me out a little.

anyway, kami jangka yang dia ada dua girlfriends, satu di Perak, satu di sini. jadi, better stay away. muka jambu supercomel macam dia, confirm mengundang bahaya kalau tidak hati-hati.

mungkin serendipity akan terjadi satu hari nanti. owh come on. what's a little hope gonna hurt? aah, maybe a 'little'.

love spit

sebenarnya cinta boleh kekal sampai bila-bila kalau kau pandai caranya to nurture it. love after breaking up, love after friendship, love after marriage, love after the zillionth breakup.

yes, i'm fickle like this. i don't believe in eternal love but i don't really like the idea of people bashing their belief in love.

owh look. i'm covered in my own spit.

over and over and over and over

but it's over now.

manifesto survival untuk perempuan

lelaki yang kau tergila-gilakan, yang konon you can see your future with him perlu ada dua bank; money and love.

money, obviously everyone needs them. jangan rasa bersalah dengan sikap materialistik pasal duit itu boleh bagi jaminan untuk masa depan kau. betul. cinta yang kekal hanya untuk Dia, our maker.

love, kalau dia tidak ada a bank full of money, at least dia perlu ada love untuk kau. affections so that you won't feel neglected. dan dari love dia boleh berusaha to try and stay with you selama mungkin. we women memang perlu attentions. berapa banyak pun umur kau, ego tinggi langit mana pun, we were made this way.

so yeah, if he doesn't have the money, he better have a lotta love for yah. appreciate your existence so you can encourage and nurture him to be a better person. lelaki memang perlu jadi lebih better dari kau. bukanlah mahu samakan dengan binatang but contohilah mereka pasal yang betina hanya mahu yang terbaik to get the best genes for their cubs. the males siap berlawan to win the female's heart. or berlawan mana satu yang lebih cantik, menarik perhatian si betina.

well, kita sebenarnya tidak jauh beza dari animals pun. kita adalah spesies yang paling rakus, no?

here fishy, fishy

i didn't get ayam goreng at all last weekend. how frustrating.

but i scored. anak ikan comel. sayang, cuma tidak boleh bawa pulang. bukan tidak boleh tapi tidak dibenarkan.

"owh. meliar ye kau? haha. okay?"

"okay je. goreng pun sodap."

entri ini pula adalah to the beats of Pacific!'s Runaway To Elsewhere (Breakbot Remix)

he said my life is full of colours. correction: the colours are in my head. dalam kepala aku ada this neon city, yang macam Las Vegas or Tokyo tapi penghuninya adalah dikalangan Jar Jar Binks, C3PO, Bender and the likes. once in a blue moon, hari akan jadi siang dan everybody will go to the beach, skinny dipping in the clear blue water.

my life on the other hand, mundane. aku pergi kerja hari Isnin and can’t wait for Friday to come (itu pun kalau aku tidak perlu bekerja on the weekend). weekend..hmm..weekend aku tidak ada yang tetap. kadang-kadang akan terlepas dengan begitu sahaja. depends on my friends where they’re heading because i am not that head-of-the-pack type.

ini life mundane orang yang tiada passion tapi sepenuhnya pouring her passion into love yang always, always, mengecewakan. sigh.

but what the hell, it’s Friday today and i should go out and makan ayam goreng till the break of dawn.

tajuk entri ini adalah Daft Punk's Make Love

get it? bukan tajuk lagu itu tapi lagunya. score-nya. tidak ada lirik tapi beat-nya sesuai. lagu make love untuk aku adalah lagu-lagu Franz Ferdinand dan Placebo.

i think i'm the easiest to please. Elle and Anne said so. well, comparing to them i am way easier. but i don't know if easier to please means easy to get too. as in easy to get and easy to understand. in my case, i'm obviously sort of complicated to understand. or maybe i am easy to understand cuma yang lain insisted yang aku ini susah untuk difahami. hah. how's that?

pasal aku selalu rasa aku sudah habis think the matter over, fikir masak-masak dan outcome-nya adalah keputusan yang paling logik. hmm..macam ayat self-centered but this time i’m sure it’s right, how i decide on things. how i’m confident enough? i confide people with different types of perspectives jadi bila conclusion-nya led to one, that’s the answer.

atau aku putar belit kesimpulan yang lain untuk agree with me?

some people take it pretty well some take it all out on themselves

you could've buy a car. or get a house instead. or get a ring and force me to say 'i do' to you. and then we'll go away for the most unforgettable honey moon.

wait. maybe better belanja me to a slimming session.

you know, the best thing you could've done is maybe get me a bouquet of flowers and win my heart with your typical sorry cookies. yes, must be love. must be i just need that attention.

aku sudah freaked out dan kini menyorok. the cabin in the mountains is in my head. fictions generator aku sudah mula start engine.

mandrem

remember what your mom said?

"cari yang sayang kau lebih."

maksudnya...bagi dia makan nasi kangkang ke?

life is somewhat fair enough

yes, i shall be a wife one day. a fat one at that. and my husband will leave me for a younger skinny, pretty girl but that's okay because as long as i stay a loyal wife, God shall place me in heaven (where there are other single men resembling Jon Kortajarena or Pharrell Williams or Anthony Kiedis)

eh. have to stay a loyal wife & also loyal to God. of course

Elle said, "we can never get everything,huh?". I replied, "mestilah. pasal kita pun tak bagi Tuhan everything He asked for."

tentang Ahmad

ceritanya bermula dengan lampu neon warna-warni, loud music, intoxicated crowd dan sepasang sneakers. Nike to be precise. owh, dan sofa malas favourite masing-masing yang bertandang. i don't know him, haven't seen him before tapi aku tidak pasti kenapa i was suddenly attracted to him. yes, a crush. at that time, i was someone else's. but it's just a crush, right? i tried to make conversation but he doesn't talk much. well, neither do i. setahun lebih agaknya aku layan crush-stalking online. secretly wanted to be at the same venue that he's attending. but i didn't really made any move pasal apparently he's a friend of a friend and you what they say about dating someone from your same circle of friends: nahas.

tapi aku memang suka konon tunjuk gangster jadi i decided untuk cari pasal. what exactly triggered me was the fact that i was dating someone else at the moment and he seemed serious about it jadi aku cuak. aku fikir, let's just try my luck asking the sneaker guy out before i get serious with anyone. he doesn't talk much jadi aku assume he won't agree. tapi bila aku beritahu dia hajat di hati, he asked, "so when?". kau rasa positive remark dari a crush rasanya macam mana? of course cloud nine. so we went for a date. then twice and thrice and a few more. after about two years single, suddenly he said he was ready for a relationship. of course i freaked out because i knew from the beginning i don't fit his bill at all. like, if there's a casting session, belum sempat isi borang, aku dah forfeited. when i asked him why he decided on me, he said, "i can't explain it but you're..something." jadi sampai hari ini aku masih tidak tahu apa yang buat dia mahu aku. bilamasa aku tanya, dia hanya akan jawab yang itu atau change the subject.

i have doubts. dulu dan sekarang the doubts are taking over. jadi aku perlu sesuatu yang mutlak untuk aku lepaskan nafas lega. sayang itu ada tapi still, something's missing. i know i'm being selfish pasal sibuk cari chemistry. salahkah kalau aku rasa chemistry itu penting? Andre kata aku patut chill. aku mahu but i couldn't help myself from comparing.

kalau rindu patut saja cari dan hug him from behind, sifat aku macam itu. tapi why should i go to that spot again when i know that things between us won't change? he'll still be ignorant like that, i'll still keep on finding chemistry/faults/what-nots. Anne said, "while we're busy being choosy, other people are being choosy too. so try and compromise." aku rasa aku dah cuba compromise but to no avail. or it's just me being very spoiled by my past love-encounters. tapi kalau malas mahu fikir lagi, shows that you don't really care pun, kan?



"he loves me but i love you more
he loves me but i love you more"

jual mahal

the idea is for you to always want me.

that's why i will never be yours.

out with the old, in with the new

kau luahkan kata-kata hate. curse automatically whenever you hear his name. kau spit on the ground that he walked on. bila bulan mengambang, kau menyalak.

tapi aku dan yang lain-lain nampak, ayat-ayat yang kau jaja tidak diakhiri dengan noktah. instead it's all tears.

perempuan, sakit boleh hilang tapi parut luka masih kekal. tapi tidak perlu gusar pasal ada make-up to cover it all up.

besides, kau ada barang baru. while wiping your tears and blowing that period with your shisha smoke, have fun with your new toy.

game

let's put it this way. kalau kau boleh complete friday prayers for a month, i'll stop smoking. okay? kalau kau tipu aku, it's not my problem pasal ini soal agama.

overload

i'm not perfect. jadi aku kira aku perlukan someone to perfect me up. may i please have two instead? some-two?

cita-cita

yang buat aku cemburu adalah passionate people. macam carine roitfeld, anthony kiedis, hedi slimane. aku rasa kalau 10 tahun lepas aku jumpa passion aku, mesti aku sudah jadi antara mereka yang berjaya dan separuh puas hati dengan hidup ini. malangnya aku terlalu banyak buang masa on trial and error. bila error, aku give up. and took me sometime to try out other stuff. 30 sudah dekat tapi aku masih goyang kaki mencuba sana sini.

dulu, aku bercita-cita mahu jadi veterinarian. and then a fashion designer. i ended up as a talentless graphic designer. i failed at seeding this passion in graphic design. sekarang pula, aku bercita-cita mahu live a hippie life in Bali. okay? tapi zaman sekarang pun, kau nak jadi hippie wajib ada duit.

have you seen this movie called The Guitar? i want that.

two cents plus two different things maybe equals to zip.zero.nada

as i get older (matang belum pasti), i think it's cool for guys to show their love publicly for their partners and also wouldn't mind wearing baju batik (jawa) to weddings. just my 2 cents.

on another note, am i just creating issues or it's not a halucination of me not feeling the love? he said "i know you love me." that's because i told him so. and what he told me too. so i know too. but still, something's missing. i can't feel it jadi itu pasal aku tanya sama ada dia rasakah this love i'm channeling?

love-doubts

sayangkah bila most of the time kau hanya fikir about running away to a distant place, alone?

money is the root of all that kills

so he looked into my eyes and said, "you macam ada problem."
me? problem? wrong. problems. yes.

this current job's not paying well, i don't know if i should be wanting to get married soon or not, i don't have the confidence of starting this street 'thing' and i secretly believe that the world's gonna end in 2012 but here i am, masih yang sama.

problems, sayang. banyak.

dan duit, sayang. aku mahu banyak.

hobby

in my spare time, i like to create issues. what an anal.

talk is cheap

i always thought i'm a believer. in fairy tales, dreams. tapi bila kau cerita tentang Tuhan and konon the supernatural events that you've encountered, aku macam acuh tak acuh mendengarnya.

apa guna kau cerita specialties kau when you're not even practicing the most important task God gave us; solat lima hari sekali. apa guna the gifts kalau ilmu yang kau belajar dari tok guru itu tidak pun buat kau insaf dan cuba untuk rekindled your past love, responsibilities yang kau lafaz some thirty years ago.

i know i'm not in any position to talk about religion tapi aku rasa ilmu yang aku pernah belajar dahulu cukuplah untuk tahu yang mana betul, yang mana salah. cuma jangan riak sangat bila kau bicara tentang your knowledge walhal you're not even doing it well.

do you love him?

A. i just want the attention

B. i love his friends

C. i love his money

D. all of the above

jerk-tionary

aku baru discover. ada dua jenis jerks. satu, the cheating type. kedua, yang statik, full of ego.

cheating type, aku rasa dia adalah sejenis sweet talker pasal dia boleh sweet talk perempuan dan cheat. easy.

the second one, dia sayang kau, loyal tapi dia penuh ego jadi dia akan sakitkan hati kau dengan hurtful words.

sekarang, sila buat pilihan. owh. jika ada jenis yang lain, sila update aku.

misplaced treasure

tidak usah risau pasal hatinya yang hilang. tidak usah tertanya-tanya sama ada hatinya akan kembali atau tidak.

"hope is paralyzing." dialog siri favourite aku, Criminal Minds. sekarang aku paling perlu risau tentang hati aku yang hilang.

shapeshifter

metaforanya begini.

kau ada basikal dan basikal baru. basikal baru kau ambil extra care. kau jaja tentangnya kepada kawan-kawan kau. tidak kisah sangat bila ada yang jerit, "show off!". yang basikal, kau guna bila kau tidak mahu rosakkan yang baru. gunakan bila hujan pasal memang itu tugas yang kau sudah agihkan padanya.

the point is, aku tidak pasti kenapa aku suka mahu jadi something else. something, not someone. mahu jadi kasut yang kau tergila-gilakanlah, mahu jadi basikal super kau lah.

bilanya yang aku hanya mahu jadi aku for your sake?

fill me up

big hair, big hips, big ass, big boobs. big heart but no love.

i know you can't read minds. me too. but i can't be telling you about every little thing.

sayang sayang alahai seribu kali sayang

sayangnya bila peluang itu berada right under your nose, kau boleh baunya tapi kau saja ignore. sayang sangat. tidak rasa rugikah?

wait. soalan itu sebenarnya patut ditujukan pada aku sendiri.

like mother, like daughter

sad isn't it when you weren't invited to your mom's birthday party. i wonder where it went wrong. pucuk pangkalnya kenapa hari ini adalah hari ini.

mak hanya akan call me up to find Mili or Along. does that make me a bad daughter?
i do feel bad that things turned out the way it did. but it couldn't be my fault all the way, could it?

to the ones

to the one that got away, i wish i didn't have to choose. i'll miss the shower of attentions.

to the one that was given too many chances yet still fail, please return that tiny piece of my heart hidden somewhere in your messy wavy hair. owh? not in your hair? well, find it nonetheless because it's important for me to have the whole piece again.

to the one that i chose, bear with me. or bare. tee-hee.

un-anarchy

aku rindu header senandung konspirasi yang dulu. perempuan nude sitting on the words, disuluh cahaya from no where. i'm not sure why i designed it that way. it was just because i like it.

relationship and all those ships, it's tiring isn't it? sometimes i believe that i am truly madly deeply in love. but the next minute i question whether is this how it's supposed to feel like, love?

imperfection is perfection.

it's not common sense, it's the society.

ayat-ayat yang kau create just to make yourself feel better walhal it's just a lie. manusia semuanya ada unsur aesthetic. age is just a number tapi at the end of the day, it does matter. so does sizes. and here, way above the rabbit hole, people do judge a book by it's cover.

we're always shaking in our slumber

the day will come again when this blog goes public. it belongs to me so i can do whatever i want. besides, i don't have fanatic readers for me to mind.

i told a friend that i scored a virgin guy. actually, there's no such thing as virgin guys. just inexperienced.

come let mommy teach you a lesson or two. or, not.

hari-hari aku cerita pasal doubts. bila mahu habis? he said he loves me too much that it sort of broke his heart when i blurted out the ugly truth. in the first place, i've already reminded him of my skeletons hidden in the closet.

i said, "if it bothers you too much, leave now before i love you whole heartedly."

what an arrogant statement. if he really is leaving, there's a high possibility of me shedding a few tears. am i now in love?

3-fold utopian dream

lately aku macam banyak sangat rindu. kemas-kemas drawer pejabat jumpa printed pictures. obviously, pictures are those happy moment we managed to capture. kala tidak happy pun, buat-buat happy. well, bukannya aku mahu cakap currently i'm not happy cuma back then, responsibilities tidak banyak macam sekarang. tidak semak sangat.

mungkin aku agak tertekan sedikit with both of my girlfriends getting married. tidak ada kena-mengena sangat, tidak ada point pun nak bring this up. saja suka-suka since tidak sibuk di pejabat.

one of the things that i miss is posting entries on this blog. lately juga aku ada urge mahu delete this blog all the way. but then i started reading past entries. not bad. jadi in the end sayang mahu delete. i'm not that bright jadi bila aku buat sesuatu yang best, aku kena hargai habis-habisan pasal i don't know when that bright moment's gonna come again. kadang-kadang aku main tipu, copy entries yang aku suka and post it on Facebook. just a reminder yang sometimes i can write good shit. just good, tidak great pun.

owh look. i've typed a whole entry for today. yeay. tidak rindu lagi :)

hello mother leopard

the call tone stopped. at that far away end, a voice answered.

"hello..? are you heartbroken?"

a muffled reply.

"i'm sorry. is the damage big? i assume it's just a small crack, no? i'm sorry too i can't be the one to mend it though i wish i am the person to do so. but i just couldn't bring myself to it."

silence on the other end.

"but it will heal. i've been through this. took me a few hours, days, months, but i managed. besides, you've got that ego of yours. that will mend it alright."

click.

bizarre love triangle

lebih kuranglah.

awal-awal, aku cakap (konon dengan penuh confident) yang aku rasa aku sudah ada quite an amount of expriences dalam hal perasaan. jadi hati macam jadi batu sikit. mungkin takut commitment. well, kau kata kau faham. dan kau juga yang boldly made a statement yang kau tidak pernah patah hati. aku pula, telan saja bulat-bulat statement kau itu. decided that it'll make things easier.

tapi sekarang bila kau berseloroh pasal konon tergila-gilakan aku dan sort of patah hati, apa cerita? next time, kalau bawah pengaruh alkohol, please don't text me up. serba salah, okay? serba salah.

dan bucu lagi satu, you're driving me crazy! plan aku hanya mahu cuba sekali, i seriously didn't see the current situation coming. aku jadikan kau my hiding place bila aku sudah mula freak out nampak awan dalam bentuk C-O-M-M-I-T-M-E-N-T berarak ke arah aku. sweet that you're trying to be nice and all (ketara nampak kau macam really trying) but do you like me because you know about my past? wait. in the first place, do you actually like me back?

apa benda semua ini, aku tidak mengerti. macam leceh, now i feel like getting out of the triangle. fair and square, kan? so sekarang memang aku tidak berhati perut ke?

fuck it. i should just enjoy the date tomorrow. torture kau habis-habis. while it lasts, huh?

look pretty young but i'm just back dated

itu hari, i told a friend, "i nak lelaki yang tak banyak cakap tapi passionate." he said, "susah tu." well, not that i already know that.

dulu, aku suka main kejar-kejar. i was attracted to less loud guys pasal konon layan misteri dia, layan perasaan curious aku. bila curious dan aku siasat parts yang kononnya misteri, i found faults. bukan statement bongkak tapi bila the other party bagi positive respond, i freaked out then blah senyap-senyap.

rupanya, hingga ke hari ini that same perangai masih linger inside of me. err...is that me being fussy/choosy?

some holy shit karma's gonna get me one of these days.

like an electric eel

pagi tadi aku cerita dengan Mili pasal mimpi aku malam tadi. ada scene di mana aku mahu mandi but the shower area berada di tengah-tengah kedai makan yang agak sarat dengan customers.

then, Mili said, "kan Mili dah cakap, you have the fetish of being naked in front of a crowd! dah banyak kali mimpi macam tu, kan???"

now i'm doubting myself.

siri mimpi: don't give up on the dream

mimpi ini aku ingat, tahun lepas. i was standing behind a big crowd in the middle of a field. it was a familiar place; KL PAC di Sentul. ada lagu blaring from some giant speakers. it was a really big crowd but somehow i got through it. ada juga muka-muka yang tidak puas hati tapi aku tolak tepi pasal sewaktu aku berlari ke depan, hati aku macam berdebar-debar. then, i got to the front of the stage. atas stage, ada Placebo. terus aku menangis and i shouted, "kenapa takde orang bagitau aku Placebo datang KL???!!!"

thanks Fat Boys kerana bakal merealisasikan mimpi aku. i'll figure out a way to get to Molko, get his hands and kiss it. I.DON'T.CARE.

yeah you

haters. owh, where do i start?

pandai kau buat statement konon lawan arus. anarchy shit. bukan judgmental? well then, tolonglah define yourself.

"an innocent by-stander" should be the last thing that come out of your mouth. atau jangan keluar langsung.

don't forget, you're currently licking your own spit.

turn it around again

lelaki, bagi aku petua untuk tidak bosan dan seterusnya jatuh cinta. aku rasa it's time untuk jatuh cinta pasal aku sudah makin lupa that feeling.

tapi commitment macam bukan a bundle of joy, aku rasa. macam beban, eh? no?

brakes on, brakes on

lately aku macam rasa liat hanging out with one of my girlfriends. aku tidak pasti kenapa. maybe pasal aku macam tidak minat sangat dengan those people she's hanging out with? not hate them cuma not interested. or i'm just being judgmental. crowd yang itu macam ada suatu air yang buat aku rasa kecil. macam lagi tekan self-esteem aku jadi rendah.

dan Anne, apa jadi pada mimpi-mimpi kita dulu when everything that we have now doesn't really matter back then? adakah kita sedang mengejar mimpi-mimpi yang sama?

dan Elle, apa jadi pada so-called ideology kau waktu pakaian kau banyak merangkumi checks dan plaids? capitalist, feminist dan segala perkara yang hujungnya ada -ist.

dan aku, apa benda yang aku cari setiap hujung minggu waktu aku memandu dan parked the car dan melintas jalanraya ke arah gua putih yang ada loteng kecil dihiasi lampu-lampu neon walhal sebenarnya aku memang sangat pasti perkara yang aku cari sesungguhnya tidak ada di situ.

mana hilangnya mimpi-mimpi carefree kita?