and if I only could make a deal with God and get Him to swap our places

i've been keeping a few things to myself. you know, like, aku berjaya not blabbing about shitty stuff to 'my shoulders to cry on'.

aku rasa tidak perlu untuk tunjukkan sangat the pathetic part. i can't help it if i'm moving way slower than they are. at least i'm moving.

but that's just not good enough, no?

aku tidak terlalu menggilai wang. aku lebih crave tentang perkara-perkara yang buat aku happy. but this is how the world works, kau perlu menggilai wang untuk dapatkan benda-benda yang kau crave. kalau wang tidak ada dalam senarai crave kau, you're going no where.

unless kau memang a magnet for luck.

i have a confession: aku selalu, selalu, selalu rasa iri hati dan dendam terhadap mereka yang just unfairly lucky. why are they given such luck when it's other people that needed those things most? but that's it, isn't it? kalau mereka bekerja keras for it, we wouldn't label it as luck? it would be just something else.

so, do i just lay back dan goyang kaki until this bulb inside my head light up and decide what i should do next to satisfy this cravings, yang aku pun tidak pasti bagaimana mahu satisfy-kan? or maybe wait for that luck to come knocking on my door.

the interview i had a few days back, was good. not great but just good. that's what i am, always just okay. i only told anne and elle about the interview after i went for it. they say that particular place doesn't really pay much. so you'd rather for me being stuck here, in this comfort zone rather than start doing what i like? sumpah aku tidak faham.

i thought they'd be happy about it...slightly, at least...

listen, i have to start somewhere, okay? aku tidak smart sangat like you guys, so at least give me a break about it, okay? i don't have a boyfriend to come home to, to at least give me security about my future, okay?

i know i partied too much. at least i'm not spending on alcohol or some chemical drugs. and no, i don't feel like as if i'm aftering the socialites' attentions. i have a different definition of socialites in my head and i don't count those people i party with as any of them. i go to parties, i check out the DJs, i dance around, i laugh to quirky moves, have late supper, go home and sleep.

ya, mungkin i'm lost, exactly just as you predict it tapi kalaulah kau boleh duduk di sini, super comfort zone aku yang future tentang 3 tahun lagi pun, masih terlalu kabur, dan experience it yourself. pasti kau akan stop whining about your job yang super busy itu but hey, at least kau ada masa to do stuff that you like. and that part where you said that you need to get a life, it's all so wrong. you've already got a life. scan apa yang kau sudah miliki. maybe not all, but you're kind of there.

kau semua tidak tahu of how high i look up to you, so can you please just give me a break about it?

and yes, i miss you guys like crazy but it seems that we're just too far apart.

walaupun hanya perkataan

you really don't know how your forgotten words dropped somebody's jaw. how those words that you said and have no memory of saying it made an impact in somebody's life.

benda-benda yang kau cakap ikut sedap mulut kau kadang-kadang boleh mengguris hati the person yang kau spit those words to, yang kau tidak jangka akan meninggalkan apa-apa kesan pasal maybe he/she is just someone close and they should know you by heart pasal kau memang suka cakap ikut sedap mulut pun.

dan kau mungkin tidak jangka bahawa dia boleh ingat those exact words even if it was said a long, long, long time ago.

what else is there?

i'm not doing well with both of my girlfriends.

pasal aku masih berumur last two year's age when everyone's kind of settling down. dan aku masih tidak dapat figure out apa benda yang aku mahu. for real. yesterday, when the interviewer asked me about my passion, i lied.

aku tidak ada saluran Astro di rumah. mungkin kalau aku tekun menonton saluran Discovery, i might find what i'm looking for.

currently, aku macam tidak mahu apa-apa jenis attachment pun. aku mahu jadi selfish dan ignorant dan hanya mahu fokus pada kepentingan aku. just stop being clingy.

besides, who would miss me anyway...

keluar kandang harimau masuk mulut buaya

later in the afternoon, aku ada temu-bual kerja di kota durjana. tempatnya pun agak durjana juga. since it's kind of a long time aku sudah tidak pergi interview and what-nots ini, aku macam gementar sikit.

lagi-lagi tempat yang ditujui ada perempuan yang selama ini aku avoid from bumping into. a bad-vibe someone.

kamu semua ucap selamat pada aku, okay?

lyrics salah satu lagu Alanis Morisette sedang repeating itself dalam kepala aku

3am tadi aku terjaga dari tidur pasal rasa macam kandungan angin dalam perut melebihi had. ke kiri, ke kanan aku pusing. i made a note of getting minyak angin later, after work.

and then a couple of text messages masuk. pandai mereka budget masa.

kau tahu, se-bestfriend mana kau dengan seseorang itu, atau bukan kawan, atau kawan hi-hi-bye-bye, kita ni semua macam pelan-pelan savings yang ditawarkan di bank. macam ASB or Amanah Saham Wawasan. no?

pasal everyone of us, every single one of us, semua ada benefits masing-masing dan perlukan a certain kind of benefit for a certain period of time. kau cakap kau ikhlas macam mana pun, mesti kau mahu juga the hidden benefits.

mentari merah di ufuk timur

aku rasa macam mahu menangis pasal i just got to know that N.E.R.D. sudah confirm-kan show mereka untuk Sunburst KL this coming 21st March.

aku pun tidak berapa pasti rasa mahu menangis pasal terlalu terharu atau the fact that i'll never get to see Pharrell up-close.

sebaknya.

anyone yang boleh tolong aku get up-close (tidak perlu personal sangat) dengan dia? even just for a second? please. i'll do ANYTHING.

aku patut jadi lelaki dan lupakan perkara remeh-temeh

aku baca latest post sarah. dan seperti biasa, aku terasa.

tapi, tell me, how the hell do i move on bila lelaki-lelaki yang i've set my eyes on are already taken? mahu bertunanglah, sudah bertunanglah, sudah berkahwinlah. ada seorang yang not yet taken (or maybe he's taken cuma dia sangat pandai keep things from me) aku tidak faham how his brain works so i can't read him which depresses me jadi i might as well give up on that.

ada seorang ex-schoolmate aku pernah cakap pada aku that she remembered this one time at class, i was doodling on the desk and came across somebody's doodle that read 'if u love somebody, just go for it!' and i told her that i should live by that. waktu kawan aku reminisced that memory, aku tergelak besar. i totally forgot about that doodle. but being at this age, that couldn't work. wouldn't work. waktu sekolah, bolehlah pakai tapi nowadays, mana boleh main-main. semua pun mahu komitmen, mahu kahwin. trend yang popular untuk ages 20-30. dan seperti biasa, aku tidak ikut trend sangat. macam fesyen juga, bila trend tights sudah lapuk, baru aku sibuk pakai. dan macam perasaan juga, tujuh bulan kemudian baru aku confront. kawan aku panggil aku celeron dan aku cakap, "what's that? sounds like sayur. celery."

okaylah. maybe i'm having one of those days where i feel needy and clingy and sangat-sangat whiny. aku rasa mungkin pasal one of my girlfriends, yang commited gila dengan relationship-nya, mungkin mahu bertunang. dan yang seorang lagi, yang kurang conservative sedang sibuk bercinta dengan Jetli. texting me lovey-dovey stuff yang sepatutnya dihantar to the guy she's currently dating.

*sigh

i'd like to feel that. pasal aku macam sudah lupalah perasaan in love macam mana.

kerana lelaki

last weekend ada colleague aku got married. i didn't go pasal aku ada alasan bernas iaitu menjadi driver ke Port Dickson for a family gathering. come monday, another colleague asked me why didn't i attend the wedding. dia cakap, "tak baik weih kau tak datang. wedding weih." and then yesterday afternoon, the big boss forwarded a link where he uploaded the pictures of the wedding. must've been very grand. mills told me the bride's cousins are all gorgeous and made her jealous. dan aku masih tidak tahu sama ada what she said was true or not pasal aku masih belum check out those photos. bukan busy or anything, just don't want to. something that i've been avoiding. updates yang tidak perlu aku ambil tahu.

you know, dahulu aku tidak pernah ada enemies or orang-orang yang aku perlu elak dari berjumpa. kes elak-mengelak hanya bermula when i got into relationships. elak ex-boyfriend. elak perempuan-perempuan yang suka pada ex-boyfriends.

di tempat kerja aku, ada satu kisah di mana si lelaki A terlalu sukakan perempuan B dan lelaki C cuba cucuk line untuk lelaki A. sekali silap cucuk, diri sendiri yang sangkut. apparently lelaki A dan lelaki C sangat rapat. but they're still friends till now. aku rasa, kalau perempuan, confirm sudah tidak bertegur. where am i going with this?

how come lelaki boleh get over it and be friends but not the girls?

perempuan jadi paranoid pun pasal lelaki, kan? sibuk mahu melaram pun pasal lelaki, kan?

but in the meantime lelaki ada yang tidak endah pun tentang sacrifices yang certain perempuan buat. i'm not trying to act feminist here tapi ada kebenaran bukan, on what i've just brought up here?

semuanya kerana lelaki. macam marah pun ada. but still, i'm not thinking of becoming a gay myself. rubber dick? euw.

karma-chameleon

sometimes, when your dearest is taken away from you, secara normalnya, kau akan rasa sedih. pasal kau ingat selama ini kau sudah beri dia perhatian sepenuhnya. macam menatang minyak yang penuh. tidak kira lah sama ada your dearest itu adalah organisma yang bernafas atau tidak. manusia atau objek. macam kereta.

dan waktu orang-orang terdekat dengan kau pats you on your shoulder, saying, "Tuhan lebih sayangkan dia," kau fikir saat yang mana satu yang kau tidak sedar, part yang kau tertumpahkan minyak yang kau sedang tatang itu.

dan kau kais-kais otak kau, bahagian ingatan, rewind semua scene, cari di mana silap kau sampai perkara yang malang macam itu boleh terjadi pada kau. walaupun semua yang terjadi itu ada hikmahnya, tapi masih ada kaitan juga dengan karma.

jadi kau fikir lagi karma yang mana satu yang sedang get back at you.