and if I only could make a deal with God and get Him to swap our places

i've been keeping a few things to myself. you know, like, aku berjaya not blabbing about shitty stuff to 'my shoulders to cry on'.

aku rasa tidak perlu untuk tunjukkan sangat the pathetic part. i can't help it if i'm moving way slower than they are. at least i'm moving.

but that's just not good enough, no?

aku tidak terlalu menggilai wang. aku lebih crave tentang perkara-perkara yang buat aku happy. but this is how the world works, kau perlu menggilai wang untuk dapatkan benda-benda yang kau crave. kalau wang tidak ada dalam senarai crave kau, you're going no where.

unless kau memang a magnet for luck.

i have a confession: aku selalu, selalu, selalu rasa iri hati dan dendam terhadap mereka yang just unfairly lucky. why are they given such luck when it's other people that needed those things most? but that's it, isn't it? kalau mereka bekerja keras for it, we wouldn't label it as luck? it would be just something else.

so, do i just lay back dan goyang kaki until this bulb inside my head light up and decide what i should do next to satisfy this cravings, yang aku pun tidak pasti bagaimana mahu satisfy-kan? or maybe wait for that luck to come knocking on my door.

the interview i had a few days back, was good. not great but just good. that's what i am, always just okay. i only told anne and elle about the interview after i went for it. they say that particular place doesn't really pay much. so you'd rather for me being stuck here, in this comfort zone rather than start doing what i like? sumpah aku tidak faham.

i thought they'd be happy about it...slightly, at least...

listen, i have to start somewhere, okay? aku tidak smart sangat like you guys, so at least give me a break about it, okay? i don't have a boyfriend to come home to, to at least give me security about my future, okay?

i know i partied too much. at least i'm not spending on alcohol or some chemical drugs. and no, i don't feel like as if i'm aftering the socialites' attentions. i have a different definition of socialites in my head and i don't count those people i party with as any of them. i go to parties, i check out the DJs, i dance around, i laugh to quirky moves, have late supper, go home and sleep.

ya, mungkin i'm lost, exactly just as you predict it tapi kalaulah kau boleh duduk di sini, super comfort zone aku yang future tentang 3 tahun lagi pun, masih terlalu kabur, dan experience it yourself. pasti kau akan stop whining about your job yang super busy itu but hey, at least kau ada masa to do stuff that you like. and that part where you said that you need to get a life, it's all so wrong. you've already got a life. scan apa yang kau sudah miliki. maybe not all, but you're kind of there.

kau semua tidak tahu of how high i look up to you, so can you please just give me a break about it?

and yes, i miss you guys like crazy but it seems that we're just too far apart.