Isnin, Jun 30
yang kita tidak mahu
yesterday evening anne called all the way from the island up north. mengadu mahu bunuh diri pasal semua di sana berpasangan kecuali dirinya. mengadu tiada yang mahu menolongnya mengangkat her belongings. mengadu bahawa mungkin she's so used to having someone to put on sun-block lotion on her back. sayang, tidak perlu bunuh diri pasal aku pun ada perasaan yang sama. perasaan yang kosong. kau ingat freda? aku dan dia confident yang kami akan grow old alone so she suggested for us to work hard now so that later when we're old we're going to build our own retirement house. tapi aku rasa itu sudah lari dari idea growing old alone. the thought of it makes me shudder. satu hari john. j tanya aku soalan yang pelik. 'kamu tak nak apa?' and i replied his sms with 'i don't wanna grow up alone and go crazy.' pasal malam sebelumnya walaupun dalam keadaan mamai, aku sempat habiskan menonton Requiem for a Dream. to grow old alone, jadi gila dan tiada sesiapa yang mahu menjaga aku adalah satu mimpi ngeri. i know i whine a lot tapi aku tidak mahu kisah hidup aku jadi salah satu kisah cerekarama di hujung minggu. kawan-kawan memang ada di sekeliling tapi bukannya selalu mereka mahu melayan perasaan aku yang kosong. atau perangai mengada-ngada. semuanya punyai masalah masing-masing. tidak perlu ditambah lagi beban-beban itu. aku rindu berpegangan tangan. juga asking freely for hugs to calm me down. "at least kau ada john. j." but we are not each other's. dan lagi susah kalau both of us are in denials. sometimes i feel like a burden to him. kerap dia ucapkan tentang kepentingan persefahaman dan mungkin aku ada masalah dengan itu. bukannya aku tidak faham, aku mahu faham. perbandingannya lebih kurang begini: aku tahu hujan boleh mendatangkan demam tapi aku masih bermandi hujan just for the fun of it. get it? and for me to be pissed at a certain situation, kadang-kadang buat aku rasa guilty pasal who am i kidding? who am i to be pissed anyway. aku tidak ada hak untuk berperasaan begitu. no strings attached, kan? berpaut lah aku pada sisi bangunan konkrit itu sampai tangan letih dan tidak dapat menampung lagi lalu jatuh di atas jalan tar. gatal mahu get involve, kan? i'll just wait for that bruises coming my way. owh. aku sudah dengar ia berdesir datang.
Jumaat, Jun 27
subjective questions for you to think hard about
1. Who will you be with Saturday night?
• familiar faces. i'm counting on elle, john. j, al, surfer dude (okay. i'm not gonna be with him. just maybe see him), junk shoppers.
2. What woke you up this morning?
• the thought of getting early to work and also to leave early from work.
3. If you took a drug test would you pass it?
• hmm...i forgot when was the last time i smoked a joint so i'm not sure myself.
4. Is tomorrow going to be a good night?
• good and tiring. not anything near boredom.
5. Did you kiss or hug anyone today?
• i tried to hug mooner but he freaked out. oh well.
6. Who was the last person you rode in a car with?
• lavid
7. How many myspace accounts do you have?
• one. once i thought of having another fake account just to trap buaya internet but i gave up because i was too lazy to figure out clean strategies so i wouldn't get caught.
8. What was your first thought this morning?
• did i wake up late again?
9. Do or did you like school?
• yes. i'd rather go to school instead of being stuck at home.
10. Would you take a bullet for anyone?
• bunuh diri dosa lah. okay. so i've sinned myself in some ways but at least that's one sin less i'll manage to avoid doing.
11. Where would you like to live?
• anywhere but kota durjana. europe. new york maybe. but the best place is on an island where you have your own big sea-water aquarium.
12. Do long distance relationships work?
• haven't tried it yet. i don't think my partner can handle it. well, like i have a partner now. but that's what my instinct tells me.
13. What do you want to be when you grow up?
• wealthy and healthy. if i get to be that, then i can be whatever i want to be.
14. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
• still unmarried, still driving a dirty kenari, still whining dramatically about my life, still here in kota durjana.
15. Who is your number one friend ?
• my alter ego. (kau rasa boleh track back siapa yang buat questionnaire ini?)
16. Who do you wish you were with right now?
• a nude pharrell williams. okay. maybe someone i'm used to.
17. Who was the last person that left you a comment?
• some spam thing. which ticked the idea of restricting permissions to senandung konspirasi.
18. How often do you log in to friendster?
• not often. i hate how friendster works.
19. Would you rather talk on the phone or chat in IM?:
• chat. for me, talking on the phone is another step to closeness. tapi kalau gaduh aku malas mahu cakap on the phone, nanti drama lebih. text sudah.
20. How many car accidents have you been in?
• once when i was down south, in an iswara. twice (major & minor) in my own car.
21. Do you listen to music every day?
• it's a must.
22. Do you still go trick or treating?
• we don't really do that here. but i wouldn't mind doing it now, at this age.
23. What was the last thing you ate?
• gardenia sandwich bread. try this: take a slice, put it in your mouth, slowly bite it with your lips touching the bread. macam layan juga.
24. Are you a fast typer?
• comparing to a cat, yes. comparing to a typist, i don't think so.
25. How many speeding tickets do you have?
• none. i don't speed because i'm afraid of falling over sideways.
26. What are you doing tonight?
• i'm going to check out the place for tomorrow's event and then maybe either to the usual friday night club or that french house.
27. If you had one whole day to yourself, what would you do?
• if there's a lot of money, i'll go buy stuff. if not, i'll just laze around the house, nude then in the evening i shall go out to the park and just walk. with clothes on of course. we wouldn't want to give some makciks heart attacks, would we?
28. Is anything bothering you?
• about everything actually. this long questionnaire, for instance.
29. Do you miss someone?
• yes. some i should be missing, some are not allowed to.
30. What do you want to do right now?
• dance to this song i'm listening to and record it in black & white video.
31. Are you listening to music right now?
• octet - sneakers and thong
32. Are you in a good mood?
• good is good.
33. What are you doing this weekend?
• set up a stall selling beautiful junks that prolly someone would treasure. i'm not sure about sunday yet.
34. Are you talking to anyone while doing this?
• not anyone visible.
35. When were you the saddest in your life?
• haha. excuse my very corny and cheesy answer: waktu putus cinta.
36. Do you own more than one cell phone?
• no. i think it's a nuisance to be having more than one usable phone.
37. Do you use EBay to buy or sell?
• not currently.
38. What makes you mad?
• mad (crazy) - john. j (yes. he's not a who because he' not human)
mad (angry) - uncivilized people who skipped school too much that they missed learning about respect and queuing up.
39. Have you ever had a song written about you?
• yes. (eh. soalan ini macam dejavu lah)
40. Have you ever sang in public?
• yes.
41. What songs make you happy?
• i can't really tell because most of the songs that i like doesn't really make me happy instead it arouses me. hmmm...i should go find at least one that can make me happy.
42. What do you like to listen to before you go to bed?
• silence.
43. Do you have a job?
• yes. thankfully.
44. What does your ipod have in it right now?
• i don't have an iPod but my phone does kind of look like one. but since it's not actually an iPod, i'll skip telling you what's in it.
45. How many close friends do you have?
• i don't know how to categorize 'close', really. are they the ones you tell your problems to? or always there to help but never shared a secret?
46. What makes you happy?
• when everything's good, when someone likes me, people reading senandung konspirasi, when i think i look hot (psychology itu penting), surprises, when i get money which i earned for.
47. One wish?
• i'd like to have 10 more wishes.
48. Have you ever loved someone and were too scared to tell them?
• no. being scared of telling someone that you love them is such a waste of time. but when you do tell them about it, try not to expect anything. at least if the reply is not good, you won't get too depressed.
49. Next concert?
• tomorrow.
50. Name one song that explains your current life.
• ulek mayang.
• familiar faces. i'm counting on elle, john. j, al, surfer dude (okay. i'm not gonna be with him. just maybe see him), junk shoppers.
2. What woke you up this morning?
• the thought of getting early to work and also to leave early from work.
3. If you took a drug test would you pass it?
• hmm...i forgot when was the last time i smoked a joint so i'm not sure myself.
4. Is tomorrow going to be a good night?
• good and tiring. not anything near boredom.
5. Did you kiss or hug anyone today?
• i tried to hug mooner but he freaked out. oh well.
6. Who was the last person you rode in a car with?
• lavid
7. How many myspace accounts do you have?
• one. once i thought of having another fake account just to trap buaya internet but i gave up because i was too lazy to figure out clean strategies so i wouldn't get caught.
8. What was your first thought this morning?
• did i wake up late again?
9. Do or did you like school?
• yes. i'd rather go to school instead of being stuck at home.
10. Would you take a bullet for anyone?
• bunuh diri dosa lah. okay. so i've sinned myself in some ways but at least that's one sin less i'll manage to avoid doing.
11. Where would you like to live?
• anywhere but kota durjana. europe. new york maybe. but the best place is on an island where you have your own big sea-water aquarium.
12. Do long distance relationships work?
• haven't tried it yet. i don't think my partner can handle it. well, like i have a partner now. but that's what my instinct tells me.
13. What do you want to be when you grow up?
• wealthy and healthy. if i get to be that, then i can be whatever i want to be.
14. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
• still unmarried, still driving a dirty kenari, still whining dramatically about my life, still here in kota durjana.
15. Who is your number one friend ?
• my alter ego. (kau rasa boleh track back siapa yang buat questionnaire ini?)
16. Who do you wish you were with right now?
• a nude pharrell williams. okay. maybe someone i'm used to.
17. Who was the last person that left you a comment?
• some spam thing. which ticked the idea of restricting permissions to senandung konspirasi.
18. How often do you log in to friendster?
• not often. i hate how friendster works.
19. Would you rather talk on the phone or chat in IM?:
• chat. for me, talking on the phone is another step to closeness. tapi kalau gaduh aku malas mahu cakap on the phone, nanti drama lebih. text sudah.
20. How many car accidents have you been in?
• once when i was down south, in an iswara. twice (major & minor) in my own car.
21. Do you listen to music every day?
• it's a must.
22. Do you still go trick or treating?
• we don't really do that here. but i wouldn't mind doing it now, at this age.
23. What was the last thing you ate?
• gardenia sandwich bread. try this: take a slice, put it in your mouth, slowly bite it with your lips touching the bread. macam layan juga.
24. Are you a fast typer?
• comparing to a cat, yes. comparing to a typist, i don't think so.
25. How many speeding tickets do you have?
• none. i don't speed because i'm afraid of falling over sideways.
26. What are you doing tonight?
• i'm going to check out the place for tomorrow's event and then maybe either to the usual friday night club or that french house.
27. If you had one whole day to yourself, what would you do?
• if there's a lot of money, i'll go buy stuff. if not, i'll just laze around the house, nude then in the evening i shall go out to the park and just walk. with clothes on of course. we wouldn't want to give some makciks heart attacks, would we?
28. Is anything bothering you?
• about everything actually. this long questionnaire, for instance.
29. Do you miss someone?
• yes. some i should be missing, some are not allowed to.
30. What do you want to do right now?
• dance to this song i'm listening to and record it in black & white video.
31. Are you listening to music right now?
• octet - sneakers and thong
32. Are you in a good mood?
• good is good.
33. What are you doing this weekend?
• set up a stall selling beautiful junks that prolly someone would treasure. i'm not sure about sunday yet.
34. Are you talking to anyone while doing this?
• not anyone visible.
35. When were you the saddest in your life?
• haha. excuse my very corny and cheesy answer: waktu putus cinta.
36. Do you own more than one cell phone?
• no. i think it's a nuisance to be having more than one usable phone.
37. Do you use EBay to buy or sell?
• not currently.
38. What makes you mad?
• mad (crazy) - john. j (yes. he's not a who because he' not human)
mad (angry) - uncivilized people who skipped school too much that they missed learning about respect and queuing up.
39. Have you ever had a song written about you?
• yes. (eh. soalan ini macam dejavu lah)
40. Have you ever sang in public?
• yes.
41. What songs make you happy?
• i can't really tell because most of the songs that i like doesn't really make me happy instead it arouses me. hmmm...i should go find at least one that can make me happy.
42. What do you like to listen to before you go to bed?
• silence.
43. Do you have a job?
• yes. thankfully.
44. What does your ipod have in it right now?
• i don't have an iPod but my phone does kind of look like one. but since it's not actually an iPod, i'll skip telling you what's in it.
45. How many close friends do you have?
• i don't know how to categorize 'close', really. are they the ones you tell your problems to? or always there to help but never shared a secret?
46. What makes you happy?
• when everything's good, when someone likes me, people reading senandung konspirasi, when i think i look hot (psychology itu penting), surprises, when i get money which i earned for.
47. One wish?
• i'd like to have 10 more wishes.
48. Have you ever loved someone and were too scared to tell them?
• no. being scared of telling someone that you love them is such a waste of time. but when you do tell them about it, try not to expect anything. at least if the reply is not good, you won't get too depressed.
49. Next concert?
• tomorrow.
50. Name one song that explains your current life.
• ulek mayang.
Khamis, Jun 26
borang suai kenal
Nama ‘timang-timangan' anda oleh yang tersayang?
erm. perlu ke? aku tulis nama yang i'd like to be called lah, boleh? my full name, my short & simple name with creative additions (yang terpilih sahaja), waffle, sayang, sex (instead of sexy), love. ei, panggil aku senandung lah. aku terlalu jatuh cinta dengan nama yang itu.
Anda seorang yang...
sentiasa kehilangan. tidak tahu apa yang aku mahu dan arah tujuan seterusnya. terlalu banyak berfikir benda remeh sampai kadang-kadang masalah harga petrol naik aku macam tidak endah sangat. aku juga cuba untuk mingle around (untuk dapatkan social contacts for future needs) tapi aku selalu gagal. giving up easily, forgetful and also a dreamer. so excuse me if kadang-kadang aku berangan yang aku ni seorang cantik rupawan.
Insan teristimewa? Jelaskan apa yang membuatkan dia terlalu istimewa di mata anda.
i have to skip this question because my insan teristimewa are more than words. 'are' pasal aku susah mahu ada favouritism.
Makanan & minuman favourite.
daging salai masak lemak cili api. have to know how to prepare the dish one of these days. plain water always have a special place in my throat.
Favourite colour.
actually, i don't have favourite colours but automatically when getting stuff for myself, i'll go for green. i like grey coloured t-shirts. and i kind of have a lot of red clothes too. for bags and shoes, mostly i'll choose brown or nude.
Favourite song.
as for now, i kept repeating the sounds' painted by numbers and octet's sneakers and thongs on my playlist at the office. kalau waktu driving, aku asyik putarkan stoned revivals' loose boogie. gila bulu roma naik, okay? mungkin itu yang buat model hot fell for him.
Siapa yang selalu membuatkan anda tergelak?
yang suka membebel, yang suka merepek, yang tidak ada kebolehan mengawal volume suara, yang way out of the box and every other shapes. but always it's the situation that makes me laugh.
Sikap yg membuatkan anda stress.
merepek yang berlebihan boleh mendatangkan amarah. yang short-tem memory lost pun kadang-kadang can make my blood go upstairs. tapi itu sifat, kan? potong queue sikap ke? itu yang aku paling benci.
Tiga benda yg mesti ada dlm bag anda.
kalau taip tiga barang sahaja, macam tidak menarik. rules are made to be broken, right? so let me tell you what's currently in my bag: handphone, cigarettes, lighters, pens, small notebook, sketchbook, another notebook, vaseline, lotion, body butter, work tag, shades, energizing water, hairclips, thumbdrives, stickers, headphones, raisins, keratan akhbar, car keys, house keys, compact camera. tapi kalau yang mesti ada dalam bag selalunya dua benda sahaja: rubbish and pemberat bag.
Kali terakhir anda beriya-iya menangis? Kenapa?
sakit. sebab hati terlalu ambil kisah. cuba kalau buat tidak peduli, mesti tidak sakit. and no tears to waste.
Perkara yg paling lucu atau memalukan dalam hidup anda.
waktu berperangai merepek di depan orang yang buat jantung aku berdebar, waktu kawan bekas kekasih menggenggam tangan, waktu aku menangis tanpa menyedari bahawa the whole office heard me, waktu pertama kali i went nude in front of a stranger. tapi macam banyak sangat perkara yang memalukan, buat aku jadi lali.
thank you mills for letting me entertain myself di waktu lapang ini.
erm. perlu ke? aku tulis nama yang i'd like to be called lah, boleh? my full name, my short & simple name with creative additions (yang terpilih sahaja), waffle, sayang, sex (instead of sexy), love. ei, panggil aku senandung lah. aku terlalu jatuh cinta dengan nama yang itu.
Anda seorang yang...
sentiasa kehilangan. tidak tahu apa yang aku mahu dan arah tujuan seterusnya. terlalu banyak berfikir benda remeh sampai kadang-kadang masalah harga petrol naik aku macam tidak endah sangat. aku juga cuba untuk mingle around (untuk dapatkan social contacts for future needs) tapi aku selalu gagal. giving up easily, forgetful and also a dreamer. so excuse me if kadang-kadang aku berangan yang aku ni seorang cantik rupawan.
Insan teristimewa? Jelaskan apa yang membuatkan dia terlalu istimewa di mata anda.
i have to skip this question because my insan teristimewa are more than words. 'are' pasal aku susah mahu ada favouritism.
Makanan & minuman favourite.
daging salai masak lemak cili api. have to know how to prepare the dish one of these days. plain water always have a special place in my throat.
Favourite colour.
actually, i don't have favourite colours but automatically when getting stuff for myself, i'll go for green. i like grey coloured t-shirts. and i kind of have a lot of red clothes too. for bags and shoes, mostly i'll choose brown or nude.
Favourite song.
as for now, i kept repeating the sounds' painted by numbers and octet's sneakers and thongs on my playlist at the office. kalau waktu driving, aku asyik putarkan stoned revivals' loose boogie. gila bulu roma naik, okay? mungkin itu yang buat model hot fell for him.
Siapa yang selalu membuatkan anda tergelak?
yang suka membebel, yang suka merepek, yang tidak ada kebolehan mengawal volume suara, yang way out of the box and every other shapes. but always it's the situation that makes me laugh.
Sikap yg membuatkan anda stress.
merepek yang berlebihan boleh mendatangkan amarah. yang short-tem memory lost pun kadang-kadang can make my blood go upstairs. tapi itu sifat, kan? potong queue sikap ke? itu yang aku paling benci.
Tiga benda yg mesti ada dlm bag anda.
kalau taip tiga barang sahaja, macam tidak menarik. rules are made to be broken, right? so let me tell you what's currently in my bag: handphone, cigarettes, lighters, pens, small notebook, sketchbook, another notebook, vaseline, lotion, body butter, work tag, shades, energizing water, hairclips, thumbdrives, stickers, headphones, raisins, keratan akhbar, car keys, house keys, compact camera. tapi kalau yang mesti ada dalam bag selalunya dua benda sahaja: rubbish and pemberat bag.
Kali terakhir anda beriya-iya menangis? Kenapa?
sakit. sebab hati terlalu ambil kisah. cuba kalau buat tidak peduli, mesti tidak sakit. and no tears to waste.
Perkara yg paling lucu atau memalukan dalam hidup anda.
waktu berperangai merepek di depan orang yang buat jantung aku berdebar, waktu kawan bekas kekasih menggenggam tangan, waktu aku menangis tanpa menyedari bahawa the whole office heard me, waktu pertama kali i went nude in front of a stranger. tapi macam banyak sangat perkara yang memalukan, buat aku jadi lali.
thank you mills for letting me entertain myself di waktu lapang ini.
Selasa, Jun 24
default answer
1. sedang mata aku melilau membaca text against the white screen in front of me, elle sibuk membuat nescafe di dapur.
"kau jarang cakap pasal lucid kan?" she asked, putting two tall cups on the table.
"yeah..." mata aku masih melekat di skrin laptop.
"aku sedar kau tak banyak cerita sangat pasal lucid berbanding azuki. you don't love lucid, do you?" buat aku shrug my shoulders. to neutralize the situation, aku ketawa kecil.
"mungkin macam my love life. not ready yet to take the same kind of responsibilities. or aku masih rindu kot," i joked. dia jeling.
"meaning lucid tu cuma macam infatuation?" bunyinya macam mahu marah. aku gelak.
"entah." and proceed scrolling the page in front of me.
2. "aku rasa aku perlu jumpa psychiatrist." anne turned to look at me. her eyes wandered across my face searching for possible answers that maybe can led to the sentence i just blurted out.
"why?" she asked when she couldn't find the answer.
"i don't know. i just feel like doing so." i shrugged.
3. john.j, bila soalan yang ditanya-nya, aku jawab dengan jawapan yang sama, dia akan kata:
"come on. kita makan sebab lapar, kan?" dan aku akan tergelak. bila dia tanya lagi soalan yang sama, otak aku cuba memproses jawapan.
"hmm...i don't know."
tiga conversations, dengan jawapan yang sama. slowly realizing it, this is the root of my problems. i don't know what i want. i don't even know what i don't know.
"kau jarang cakap pasal lucid kan?" she asked, putting two tall cups on the table.
"yeah..." mata aku masih melekat di skrin laptop.
"aku sedar kau tak banyak cerita sangat pasal lucid berbanding azuki. you don't love lucid, do you?" buat aku shrug my shoulders. to neutralize the situation, aku ketawa kecil.
"mungkin macam my love life. not ready yet to take the same kind of responsibilities. or aku masih rindu kot," i joked. dia jeling.
"meaning lucid tu cuma macam infatuation?" bunyinya macam mahu marah. aku gelak.
"entah." and proceed scrolling the page in front of me.
2. "aku rasa aku perlu jumpa psychiatrist." anne turned to look at me. her eyes wandered across my face searching for possible answers that maybe can led to the sentence i just blurted out.
"why?" she asked when she couldn't find the answer.
"i don't know. i just feel like doing so." i shrugged.
3. john.j, bila soalan yang ditanya-nya, aku jawab dengan jawapan yang sama, dia akan kata:
"come on. kita makan sebab lapar, kan?" dan aku akan tergelak. bila dia tanya lagi soalan yang sama, otak aku cuba memproses jawapan.
"hmm...i don't know."
tiga conversations, dengan jawapan yang sama. slowly realizing it, this is the root of my problems. i don't know what i want. i don't even know what i don't know.
weekend yang awkward sedikit
perkara pertama yang bermain di kepala aku sewaktu menunggu flight pulang ke kota durjana dari pantai timur minggu lepas adalah what shall i look forward to the coming weekend. raking my brain, i remembered of a friend's exhibition on the 20th. so for last weekend, i didn't get too much rest nor sleep from friday to sunday night. it was a weird sort of adventurous (?) weekend for me. friday, elle (who got her boyfriend out of town) and i drove to city for pelan pelan dan bilik gerakan's exhibition launch. from what i saw, and from how i know him plus judging from what i've heard, the arts displayed was like the artist himself. mungkin ada sedikit berbaur politikal, no? i rest my case awal-awal lagi pasal i'm not experienced pun in criticizing arts. or anything. the awkward moment, which was a cue for us to head to our usual friday club, was when a female politician who's now handling the area where my mom's house is came and sat behind us. eating there was already awkward (well, for me. masalah aku sendiri, bukan orang lain) and to be having a politician yang muka dia baik gila sitting behind us, of course lah added up to the awkwardness. i saw a famous blogger, wanted to say hi but as usual i couldn't bring myself to it so i just walked away pasal macam dia kenal aku pun. dan baru pagi ini aku teringat yang aku pernah menghantar gambar aku kepada dia so i guess maybe he did remember. great. just GREAT. -_- (sms dari elle: 'adakah ko ilang ingatan?why on earth did u send ur pic to him.ko serious merepek dowh.') tidak mengapa. perkara remeh sahaja. mungkin next time boleh cakap hi. at the usual friday night club, we had fun, met long-time-no-see friends, snap here, snap there plus some awkward questions. dimaafkan pasal yang bertanya mabuk. supper, mili's ex invited us to party the next night at a place where it's famous for its hutan, gunung dan sungai. tanpa membuang masa, aku bersetuju. besides, i don't want to be stuck here at the durjana city. buat sakit hati. janji mahu bertolak petang tapi terpaksa dimungkiri pasal as elle closed the door of my very dirty kenari, i said,
"cantik subang kau. kereta aku tak boleh nak start." dan seperti biasa, just as i expected, her face changed to panic mode. dan button membebel serta-merta switched on. ha ha.
"kau tak pernah cuci enjin kereta eh? teruk gila condition dia," she commented in a very high pitched voice.
"owh. enjin pun kena cuci, eh?" aku gelak. well, i can't help myself, can i? there we were, excited to carpool to the party and i couldn't start my car. and i couldn't think of anyone near to come and make things right.
"okay. don't tell me we have to call ex-heart..." elle said slowly since he lives 15 minute drive dari tempat kejadian.
"of course not. he's the last person we should be calling. anyway, he's prolly in kl pun, sleeping over at his girlfriend's house," i replied while scrolling through my phone book. i dialed ben's number to ask for advice and lucky us, he was in the area with his sepupu-sepapat and came to the rescue. owh yeah. which reminds me: i have to treat them coffee sometime nanti. so at about 6.30pm, we start our journey fetching the other 3 guys and by the time kami tiba berdekatan dengan kawasan yang ditujui, hari pun sudah gelap. mahu dijadikan cerita, tiada salah seorang dari kami pun yang tahu di mana terletaknya the exact place (sebelum sungai congkak). plus aku dan driver rabun. jadi semua itu tadi boleh dijadikan alasan atas kenapa kami boleh sampai di kaki gunung nuang. it turned out, the directions that our friends had been telling us was from another way (yang mana semua orang yang ke situ melalui jalan itu kecuali kami). but we managed to arrive safely and didn't miss the fantastic-delicious-mouthwatering bbq dinner worth rm20. berbaloi okay pasal chef dia pun hot macam makanannya juga. he he. after a little light dancing, aku sudah mula memikirkan tentang sofa di chalet and since we planned to drive home around 3am (plus i had to be at the city at 8am for a function) i thought of lying down while the others ran around the area enjoying the loud electro music. tapi some of them lebih suka datang ke chalet, duduk beramai-ramai dan bercerita hantu. ya. dan si puaka yang sibuk mahu dengar cerita hantu (yang juga sebenarnya penakut) boleh bantai berdengkur di sebelah aku. jujur, aku memang sakit hati. at around 4am, one of us insisted for us to go back to the city at that wee hour of the morning. honestly, i'm a scaredy-cat. aku tidak perasan siapa yang gatal mulut tanya peak hours for those 'beings' to be wandering around and the ghost-whisperer girl replied, "time macam sekarang ni lah peak hours dia." but it didn't stop us from proceeding with our journey back cuma waktu perjalanan pergi aku di depan, yang pulangnya, aku di belakang tengah-tengah. ha ha. aku diberi priority pasal aku semacam moody itu malam. well, you can't help it if the person driving your car sebenarnya penakut tapi nak berlagak berani. owh. disertakan si mulut puaka celupar yang juga penakut, jantan tapi gedik. geram aku. ini baru cerita hari sabtu. sunday morning, on my way to the city, already late for the event, aku ditahan polis pasal aku U-turn di tempat yang tidak boleh U-turn. dan belum sempat dua orang polis itu berkata apa-apa, my tears came out non-stop. what the hell is wrong with me???
"sorry. sorry. sorry," i apologized while passing cop A my license and i.c.
"ni kenapa nangis ni? tarik nafas, sandar," he assured me. i inhale, laid back and sat up straight again. he asked me to relax again and i did the same thing.
"awak nak ke mana ni? kat situ kan ada tanda tak boleh U-turn," cop B pointed to the signage i missed.
"saya nak pergi ke times square, ada urusan kerja and dah lambat. pastu saya tak tahu macam mana nak masuk parking belakang dia," i told him with my tears still coming out, uncontrollably. sebenarnya ini sudah kali kedua aku di tahan polis kerana mahu masuk ke kawasan parking building besar itu.
"awak sakit ke?" i must've looked really bad that morning, with the rush and under construction blocked roads. malas mahu cerita panjang, aku iya kan sahaja soalannya.
"jangan nangis. mana tisu? kalau awak nangis lagi, saya saman," cop B said. my tears wouldn't stop coming out but at the same time i was laughing nervously. keadaan aku macam haram. setelah memberikan nasihat dan mengingatkan aku tentang signage no U-turn, aku dilepaskan tanpa sebarang tiket. nasib baik pasal the day before aku sudah spend untuk bateri kereta baru and of course since i went for the getaway, i don't think i can afford a ticket. my fund for june is running out. jadi pengajarannya kawan-kawan, belakang times square banyak polis ronda. don't break any road rules. despite what happened, the drama and such, sedikit sebanyak buat aku lupa akan kekusutan perasaan yang bermain di kepala. sedikit sahaja lah. dan dalam masa yang singkat. but hey, i'm trying my best here.
"cantik subang kau. kereta aku tak boleh nak start." dan seperti biasa, just as i expected, her face changed to panic mode. dan button membebel serta-merta switched on. ha ha.
"kau tak pernah cuci enjin kereta eh? teruk gila condition dia," she commented in a very high pitched voice.
"owh. enjin pun kena cuci, eh?" aku gelak. well, i can't help myself, can i? there we were, excited to carpool to the party and i couldn't start my car. and i couldn't think of anyone near to come and make things right.
"okay. don't tell me we have to call ex-heart..." elle said slowly since he lives 15 minute drive dari tempat kejadian.
"of course not. he's the last person we should be calling. anyway, he's prolly in kl pun, sleeping over at his girlfriend's house," i replied while scrolling through my phone book. i dialed ben's number to ask for advice and lucky us, he was in the area with his sepupu-sepapat and came to the rescue. owh yeah. which reminds me: i have to treat them coffee sometime nanti. so at about 6.30pm, we start our journey fetching the other 3 guys and by the time kami tiba berdekatan dengan kawasan yang ditujui, hari pun sudah gelap. mahu dijadikan cerita, tiada salah seorang dari kami pun yang tahu di mana terletaknya the exact place (sebelum sungai congkak). plus aku dan driver rabun. jadi semua itu tadi boleh dijadikan alasan atas kenapa kami boleh sampai di kaki gunung nuang. it turned out, the directions that our friends had been telling us was from another way (yang mana semua orang yang ke situ melalui jalan itu kecuali kami). but we managed to arrive safely and didn't miss the fantastic-delicious-mouthwatering bbq dinner worth rm20. berbaloi okay pasal chef dia pun hot macam makanannya juga. he he. after a little light dancing, aku sudah mula memikirkan tentang sofa di chalet and since we planned to drive home around 3am (plus i had to be at the city at 8am for a function) i thought of lying down while the others ran around the area enjoying the loud electro music. tapi some of them lebih suka datang ke chalet, duduk beramai-ramai dan bercerita hantu. ya. dan si puaka yang sibuk mahu dengar cerita hantu (yang juga sebenarnya penakut) boleh bantai berdengkur di sebelah aku. jujur, aku memang sakit hati. at around 4am, one of us insisted for us to go back to the city at that wee hour of the morning. honestly, i'm a scaredy-cat. aku tidak perasan siapa yang gatal mulut tanya peak hours for those 'beings' to be wandering around and the ghost-whisperer girl replied, "time macam sekarang ni lah peak hours dia." but it didn't stop us from proceeding with our journey back cuma waktu perjalanan pergi aku di depan, yang pulangnya, aku di belakang tengah-tengah. ha ha. aku diberi priority pasal aku semacam moody itu malam. well, you can't help it if the person driving your car sebenarnya penakut tapi nak berlagak berani. owh. disertakan si mulut puaka celupar yang juga penakut, jantan tapi gedik. geram aku. ini baru cerita hari sabtu. sunday morning, on my way to the city, already late for the event, aku ditahan polis pasal aku U-turn di tempat yang tidak boleh U-turn. dan belum sempat dua orang polis itu berkata apa-apa, my tears came out non-stop. what the hell is wrong with me???
"sorry. sorry. sorry," i apologized while passing cop A my license and i.c.
"ni kenapa nangis ni? tarik nafas, sandar," he assured me. i inhale, laid back and sat up straight again. he asked me to relax again and i did the same thing.
"awak nak ke mana ni? kat situ kan ada tanda tak boleh U-turn," cop B pointed to the signage i missed.
"saya nak pergi ke times square, ada urusan kerja and dah lambat. pastu saya tak tahu macam mana nak masuk parking belakang dia," i told him with my tears still coming out, uncontrollably. sebenarnya ini sudah kali kedua aku di tahan polis kerana mahu masuk ke kawasan parking building besar itu.
"awak sakit ke?" i must've looked really bad that morning, with the rush and under construction blocked roads. malas mahu cerita panjang, aku iya kan sahaja soalannya.
"jangan nangis. mana tisu? kalau awak nangis lagi, saya saman," cop B said. my tears wouldn't stop coming out but at the same time i was laughing nervously. keadaan aku macam haram. setelah memberikan nasihat dan mengingatkan aku tentang signage no U-turn, aku dilepaskan tanpa sebarang tiket. nasib baik pasal the day before aku sudah spend untuk bateri kereta baru and of course since i went for the getaway, i don't think i can afford a ticket. my fund for june is running out. jadi pengajarannya kawan-kawan, belakang times square banyak polis ronda. don't break any road rules. despite what happened, the drama and such, sedikit sebanyak buat aku lupa akan kekusutan perasaan yang bermain di kepala. sedikit sahaja lah. dan dalam masa yang singkat. but hey, i'm trying my best here.
Rabu, Jun 18
take me away for i'll always be your island lover
trip melarikan diri was dreamy. the sand, the clear water, the colourful fishes, the wind, the sun, the stars yang malu sambil bermain sorok-sorok buat aku lupa realiti yang sentiasa menghantui aku, menggigit bahu aku sekadar mahu menguji kekuatan diri sendiri. dan di saat aku menaip satu-persatu huruf di keyboard untuk membina ayat yang kononnnya menarik untuk dibaca, how i wish i'm still there lying under that umbrella with '666' written on it dan biarkan saja angin laut meniup segala mimpi enak ke arah ku. hari terakhir buat aku rasa gerun pasal aku tahu akan segala kekusutan yang menunggu aku di kota durjana, yang tidak sabar untuk menyambut kepulangan ku. a stumble upon a familiar face made me recall some memories of the past. aku ada punya rahsia: i like drunkards. because they don't think too much and it's easy being around them. though it was just one night, but i appreciated the conversation. ketara, perasaan rindu menyelimuti kami. but not to each other instead to those people we wished were there with us on the island. and the best thing when you're with a drunkard, they won't remember a thing the next day. biar aku saja yang simpan memori itu pasal memang, aku suka menghunus pisau ke atas diri sendiri. slowly, i think i'm starting to forget how it feels like to be happy. jadi aku cuba menghargai saat-saat bahagia yang aku lalui. dalam kepala aku semacam ada sebuah album bahagia yang penuh dengan snapshots dengan mereka yang pernah menyumbangkan perasaan bahagia untuk aku. ala, yang lepas itu, lepas lah. usah dikenang lagi. tapi itu sahaja yang aku ada, something that i can hold on to, tidak mahu ia dibawa ombak. the getaway this time, aku lebih puas hati pasal i get to see the sharks (eventhough it meant leaving your friends behind. he he), i get to have a long conversation with a familiar face that i've never had the chance talking to, got a shot of better sunset, playing in the water with kebaya on plus calling out to the stars. and mind you, we were all high on just life on the island itself. no extra substance. goody two-shoes? tidak juga. well, some stuff are better left unsaid. tapi apa yang aku pasti, ada tanda-tanda untuk kami semua kembali to that dreamy island.
di luar tingkap sekarang, langit mendung terusan mengubah mood bahagia.
"it feels weird isn't it when you call your ex at 12 noon and a sleepy girl answered? or maybe tak weird pun pasal ex kau, kan? perlu ke kau kisah? tak perlu, kan? feels like shit, sial. babipukimak. aku nak balik ke pulau."
di luar tingkap sekarang, langit mendung terusan mengubah mood bahagia.
"it feels weird isn't it when you call your ex at 12 noon and a sleepy girl answered? or maybe tak weird pun pasal ex kau, kan? perlu ke kau kisah? tak perlu, kan? feels like shit, sial. babipukimak. aku nak balik ke pulau."
gotta get away from these urban system
an sms sent to close friends: rasa macam nak nangis. tak mau balik :(
Jumaat, Jun 13
XOXO
terngiang-ngiang suara narrator gossip girl di telinga aku. felt like i'm one of the characters in the series.
uh-oh. it's really not good when a slight motion can make a difference. big or small.
it's just not good. i hope nobody got us on their über cool gadgets.
uh-oh. it's really not good when a slight motion can make a difference. big or small.
it's just not good. i hope nobody got us on their über cool gadgets.
Khamis, Jun 12
jujur aku lupa
last night me and my colleagues went to my favourite pharmacy to get stuff for our island getaway. as i was searching for sunblock, cooling gel plus raking my brains on what i should bring along, a hand tapped on my arms. looking up, it was my ex's (yang lama dulu sebelum ex-heart) girlfriend.
"hello! what are you doing here?"
"i tinggal kajang lah," dee answered. and the conversation went on about what she's currently doing, why i was there at the pharmacy and owh. "you look slimmer and prettier now." to which i've found the nicest, down-to-earth reply: "mana ada. but thanks. i like your eyes' perspective." aku rasa aku dah pandai confront statement macam itu. he he. the next part of the conversation got better,
"eh, urm...i nak tanya you lah," she went on. i don't know why, but i kind of knew what she was about to ask me.
"you dah break dengan boyfriend you eh?" kan aku sudah agak.
"yeah. why? you pun kenal (insert current ex's name here) ?" aku pula yang tanya.
"owh. tak. hari tu i nampak my friend punya friend dengan dia. are they like, together now?"
"well, i guess so," aku jawab with the sweetest smile ever. ugh. dunia semakin menghimpit.
"really? ish, kesian you." her reply which surprised me. agaknya dia sudah tidak tahu how to react to that. sweet.
"no lah. okay lah tu. better that way." dan aku sambung dalam hati 'that's what i wanted anyway'.
"so you single lah ni?" dee asked. adakah mungkin dia risau yang aku akan cari boyfriendnya pula? i'm not like that, i think. i wonder if i do seem to her like the type who'd contact her ex if ever i'm out of any relationship. or the type who grabs somebody else's boyfriend. bukanlah. pasal aku sudah kecut sama karma. eh, tapi aku tidak pernah pun terfikir untuk merampas hak sesiapa, ya.
"i guess so. but i'm currently seeing someone." and i could see a tiny, little 'phew' on her face. atau mungkin perasaan aku sahaja. conversation selepas itu macam merepek pasal aku sememangnya tidak tahu untuk create a decent conversation with an ex's girlfriend. (owh! aku baru teringat. mungkin dia curious with my current status pasal when she said she's gonna continue her studies in kuantan, aku provoke "habislah. so far away from your boyfriend." aduh. is that the best statement i could come up with?!) but i reminded her that her current boyfriend won't do stuff behind her back. satu lagi statement yang aku rasa salah juga pasal that statement macam menunjukkan bahawa i know her boyfriend better. alahai... these are the reasons on why i hate making conversations with strangers. might as well shut myself up, kan?
dinner at the fast food outlet, was bingit with laughters. ya! zatix was doing the alien-side of her again. tapi kalau tiada dia waktu getaway nanti, tentu bosan. tiada subjek untuk dibahan. ha ha. and then we started talking about my previous relationship where cikanum said "mr.E selalu cerita kat aku pasal kau dengan (insert ex's name here)."
and mills added "ha'ah. masa awak duduk kat belakang tu, sampai ke tempat saya boleh dengar awak nangis." what?! i cried that loud? owh no... i did not...
"betul. sampai ada satu masa tu the whole office senyap and siap bangun, trying to check you out." owh. no. no. no. teruk sampai macam itu? gila.
"but i don't remember telling mr.E about it. did i?" aku tanya jujur.
"wei, dia kata kau siap tunjuk kat dia messages ex-boyfriend kau dengan that girl. kau tak ingat ke?" cikanum asked. aku geleng kepala, jujur tidak langsung mengingati situasi itu. aku sendiri rasa pelik kenapa perlu aku ceritakan benda-benda remeh begitu pada boyfriendnya. macam kelakar saja. aku toleh kepada zatix and she had this straight face on her. she mouthed "gila". hahaha! okay. sumpah aku lupa.
"mungkin kau memang dalam keadaan tak sedar kot. and kau jenis yang main cerita je dengan sesiapa yang ada dekat kau time tu," zatix mengeluarkan pendapat. mungkin. ish. kenapa aku jadi begitu teruk? mungkin betul cakap zatix the other day at the office,
"kau ni macam tak hidup. macam takde kat sini. aku rasa kau ni tak betul lah."
heh.
"hello! what are you doing here?"
"i tinggal kajang lah," dee answered. and the conversation went on about what she's currently doing, why i was there at the pharmacy and owh. "you look slimmer and prettier now." to which i've found the nicest, down-to-earth reply: "mana ada. but thanks. i like your eyes' perspective." aku rasa aku dah pandai confront statement macam itu. he he. the next part of the conversation got better,
"eh, urm...i nak tanya you lah," she went on. i don't know why, but i kind of knew what she was about to ask me.
"you dah break dengan boyfriend you eh?" kan aku sudah agak.
"yeah. why? you pun kenal (insert current ex's name here) ?" aku pula yang tanya.
"owh. tak. hari tu i nampak my friend punya friend dengan dia. are they like, together now?"
"well, i guess so," aku jawab with the sweetest smile ever. ugh. dunia semakin menghimpit.
"really? ish, kesian you." her reply which surprised me. agaknya dia sudah tidak tahu how to react to that. sweet.
"no lah. okay lah tu. better that way." dan aku sambung dalam hati 'that's what i wanted anyway'.
"so you single lah ni?" dee asked. adakah mungkin dia risau yang aku akan cari boyfriendnya pula? i'm not like that, i think. i wonder if i do seem to her like the type who'd contact her ex if ever i'm out of any relationship. or the type who grabs somebody else's boyfriend. bukanlah. pasal aku sudah kecut sama karma. eh, tapi aku tidak pernah pun terfikir untuk merampas hak sesiapa, ya.
"i guess so. but i'm currently seeing someone." and i could see a tiny, little 'phew' on her face. atau mungkin perasaan aku sahaja. conversation selepas itu macam merepek pasal aku sememangnya tidak tahu untuk create a decent conversation with an ex's girlfriend. (owh! aku baru teringat. mungkin dia curious with my current status pasal when she said she's gonna continue her studies in kuantan, aku provoke "habislah. so far away from your boyfriend." aduh. is that the best statement i could come up with?!) but i reminded her that her current boyfriend won't do stuff behind her back. satu lagi statement yang aku rasa salah juga pasal that statement macam menunjukkan bahawa i know her boyfriend better. alahai... these are the reasons on why i hate making conversations with strangers. might as well shut myself up, kan?
dinner at the fast food outlet, was bingit with laughters. ya! zatix was doing the alien-side of her again. tapi kalau tiada dia waktu getaway nanti, tentu bosan. tiada subjek untuk dibahan. ha ha. and then we started talking about my previous relationship where cikanum said "mr.E selalu cerita kat aku pasal kau dengan (insert ex's name here)."
and mills added "ha'ah. masa awak duduk kat belakang tu, sampai ke tempat saya boleh dengar awak nangis." what?! i cried that loud? owh no... i did not...
"betul. sampai ada satu masa tu the whole office senyap and siap bangun, trying to check you out." owh. no. no. no. teruk sampai macam itu? gila.
"but i don't remember telling mr.E about it. did i?" aku tanya jujur.
"wei, dia kata kau siap tunjuk kat dia messages ex-boyfriend kau dengan that girl. kau tak ingat ke?" cikanum asked. aku geleng kepala, jujur tidak langsung mengingati situasi itu. aku sendiri rasa pelik kenapa perlu aku ceritakan benda-benda remeh begitu pada boyfriendnya. macam kelakar saja. aku toleh kepada zatix and she had this straight face on her. she mouthed "gila". hahaha! okay. sumpah aku lupa.
"mungkin kau memang dalam keadaan tak sedar kot. and kau jenis yang main cerita je dengan sesiapa yang ada dekat kau time tu," zatix mengeluarkan pendapat. mungkin. ish. kenapa aku jadi begitu teruk? mungkin betul cakap zatix the other day at the office,
"kau ni macam tak hidup. macam takde kat sini. aku rasa kau ni tak betul lah."
heh.
from the picture of dorian gray
I love acting. It is so much more real than life.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Resist it, and your soul grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself.
There are many things that we would throw away if we were not afraid that others might pick them up.
Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot.
Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Resist it, and your soul grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself.
There are many things that we would throw away if we were not afraid that others might pick them up.
Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot.
Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.
Rabu, Jun 11
where's my fair share?
pagi tadi, boss hantar e-mail kepada kami anak-anak buahnya. in pdf format. the last message in the 13-slide pdf was:
Work like you don’t need the money.
Love like nobody has ever hurt you.
Dance like nobody is watching.
Sing like nobody is listening.
Live as if this was paradise on Earth.
right.
konon mahu seru kan semangat humanity dalam diri masing-masing. boleh diterima lah sedikit pasal memang sekarang ini semua pun sedang mengejar harta dunia and being very selfish at the same time. well, i guess this is how you live in the savannah of concrete. bunuh yang makan dalam. tiada titisan darah. a much safer crime. today only, a girlfriend won RM12, 000, a colleague got himself an iPod & a psp and some guy out there got to get dave grohl wore his t-shirt. dan kau selalu tertanya-tanya kenapa dunia ini terlalu unfair buat kau? thinking it over, between the three of them listed above, i'm only jealous for the girlfriend (even though i always thought dave grohl is shit-damn hot and to get him wearing your t-shirt meant getting him topless in the first place) pasal i know her personally and i know she deserves it. in my list of friends, i think she's the only one with so much positive vibe around her. apparently, she's a believer. macam mana aku mahu jadi sebegitu? sakit hati dengan diri sendiri. tsk.
i even nearly gave up on my label. but changed my mind because for once, aku mahu sesuatu yang tidak tergantung. cukuplah selama 24 tahun aku bernafas these polluted air, semuanya di sekeliling aku terdiri dari perkara-perkara yang tiada tamat pasti. hanya tamat tergantung. macam ala-ala bersambung... seperti kebanyakan entri blog aku di sini. he he. i guess sifat itu sudah pun tertanam inside of me. tapi seruan boss aku serba-sedikit bantu aku dalam pendirian hari ini. perlu selalu beringat untuk bersyukur dengan apa yang aku ada. and work my way up dengan apa yang aku currently ada. plus that self-motivator book written by steven reiss which john.j lent me did help in certain areas where i allowed it to. really, fictions has always been a favourite instead of self-motivator books. that was because i've never touched any but since i started on it, it's not really that bad. iya lah. belum cuba belum tahu, kan? i guess my fair share of the world will somehow come strolling by. i believe.
Work like you don’t need the money.
Love like nobody has ever hurt you.
Dance like nobody is watching.
Sing like nobody is listening.
Live as if this was paradise on Earth.
right.
konon mahu seru kan semangat humanity dalam diri masing-masing. boleh diterima lah sedikit pasal memang sekarang ini semua pun sedang mengejar harta dunia and being very selfish at the same time. well, i guess this is how you live in the savannah of concrete. bunuh yang makan dalam. tiada titisan darah. a much safer crime. today only, a girlfriend won RM12, 000, a colleague got himself an iPod & a psp and some guy out there got to get dave grohl wore his t-shirt. dan kau selalu tertanya-tanya kenapa dunia ini terlalu unfair buat kau? thinking it over, between the three of them listed above, i'm only jealous for the girlfriend (even though i always thought dave grohl is shit-damn hot and to get him wearing your t-shirt meant getting him topless in the first place) pasal i know her personally and i know she deserves it. in my list of friends, i think she's the only one with so much positive vibe around her. apparently, she's a believer. macam mana aku mahu jadi sebegitu? sakit hati dengan diri sendiri. tsk.
i even nearly gave up on my label. but changed my mind because for once, aku mahu sesuatu yang tidak tergantung. cukuplah selama 24 tahun aku bernafas these polluted air, semuanya di sekeliling aku terdiri dari perkara-perkara yang tiada tamat pasti. hanya tamat tergantung. macam ala-ala bersambung... seperti kebanyakan entri blog aku di sini. he he. i guess sifat itu sudah pun tertanam inside of me. tapi seruan boss aku serba-sedikit bantu aku dalam pendirian hari ini. perlu selalu beringat untuk bersyukur dengan apa yang aku ada. and work my way up dengan apa yang aku currently ada. plus that self-motivator book written by steven reiss which john.j lent me did help in certain areas where i allowed it to. really, fictions has always been a favourite instead of self-motivator books. that was because i've never touched any but since i started on it, it's not really that bad. iya lah. belum cuba belum tahu, kan? i guess my fair share of the world will somehow come strolling by. i believe.
Selasa, Jun 10
ada kaki, kita lari
the morning traffic buzzed her right ear. shaking her head, she changed path towards the lake. her jog turned to a faster pace, she breathed heavily through her mouth. she kept glancing behind her. ada semacam ketakutan di riak mukanya. ada suara di dalam kepalanya.
"run. run. run. don't stop."
she passed a few questioning faces along the grey brick path. looking up, the sky has turn to a concrete colour. the voice hasn't stop pestering her.
"run. run. run. don't stop."
she felt drips of water on her hair. a reason for her to quickened her pace some more. but she, herself was not sure where her feet are supposed to take her. titisan air yang agak deras di mukanya semacam menghalangnya dari terus berlari. she shook her head in protest. pada suara di dalam kepalanya itu, dia harus akur. kakinya terasa kebas. she couldn't feel her feet anymore but she is still running. dan ada satu suara asing mencelah.
"kau mahu lari ke mana, sayang ku?"
lalu ditolehnya ke belakang dan dalam samar-samar air langit yang deras itu, kelihatan satu kelibat berdiri. in her head, she thought that shadow was holding a bright object. lantas dilajukan lagi gerak langkahnya dan yang membasahi raut wajahnya itu bukan sahaja titisan hujan tapi air mata. her pace began to slow down. pernafasan yang tercungap-cungap dicampur dengan esakan. kedengaran air mengalir sepuluh langkah ke hadapan. yes. that's where she should stop. glancing behind, the shadow was gone.
slowly, she took off her already wet clothes and walk slowly towards the running water of the small creek.
air yang mengalir deras itu, dia percaya, akan me-nyah-kan kerunsingan yang menyakat.
"run. run. run. don't stop."
she passed a few questioning faces along the grey brick path. looking up, the sky has turn to a concrete colour. the voice hasn't stop pestering her.
"run. run. run. don't stop."
she felt drips of water on her hair. a reason for her to quickened her pace some more. but she, herself was not sure where her feet are supposed to take her. titisan air yang agak deras di mukanya semacam menghalangnya dari terus berlari. she shook her head in protest. pada suara di dalam kepalanya itu, dia harus akur. kakinya terasa kebas. she couldn't feel her feet anymore but she is still running. dan ada satu suara asing mencelah.
"kau mahu lari ke mana, sayang ku?"
lalu ditolehnya ke belakang dan dalam samar-samar air langit yang deras itu, kelihatan satu kelibat berdiri. in her head, she thought that shadow was holding a bright object. lantas dilajukan lagi gerak langkahnya dan yang membasahi raut wajahnya itu bukan sahaja titisan hujan tapi air mata. her pace began to slow down. pernafasan yang tercungap-cungap dicampur dengan esakan. kedengaran air mengalir sepuluh langkah ke hadapan. yes. that's where she should stop. glancing behind, the shadow was gone.
slowly, she took off her already wet clothes and walk slowly towards the running water of the small creek.
air yang mengalir deras itu, dia percaya, akan me-nyah-kan kerunsingan yang menyakat.
Isnin, Jun 9
penipu cinta
tidak mengapa kalau status itu yang kau lemparkan pada aku.
because i know it's the truth and nothing else but the truth. selalu aku ingat yang aku ini lemah, emotionally. but in another perspective, aku kuat. mahu tahu kenapa?
pasal luka yang itu hari belum sembuh lagi, dan aku berani melukakan diri lagi sekali.
kuat kan?
fucken anthrax.
because i know it's the truth and nothing else but the truth. selalu aku ingat yang aku ini lemah, emotionally. but in another perspective, aku kuat. mahu tahu kenapa?
pasal luka yang itu hari belum sembuh lagi, dan aku berani melukakan diri lagi sekali.
kuat kan?
fucken anthrax.
Jumaat, Jun 6
motivational lah sangat
yesterday, i had the day off from work (tiada kerja pun, i should've done the same for today). here's the list of things i planned to do yesterday:
1. send my car to the workshop
2. find plain t-shirts for second design printing
3. print stickers
4. attend an interview in PJ
5. get bus tickets for the island getaway
6. get mili's flight ticket for the other island getaway
sending my car to the workshop was a must because these past few days i've been hearing weird noises coming out from the engine compartment (paranoid kereta rosak based on the flat tyre experience). after an hour at the workshop, supposedly fetch john.j and head to the place where plain coloured shirts are cheaper than some other places. instead he had to work on some artwork for al so we decided to meet up after my interview session at 2.30pm. so i went home, had lunch dan seperti biasa selepas makan, angin malas datang menghinggap. terusan aku lewat 30minit ke tempat temu duga. tidak mengapa sebab aku macam pandai bagi alasan yang bernas. it's the same post as i'm holding right now at the current company cuma kerjanya lain sedikit. the company is about making greeting cards for big corporate companies. the cards shown to me was beautiful. memang undeniably cantik versi korporat. di luar waktu itu, hujan lebat. and the interview suddenly changed into a one-on-one motivational talk. so the interviewer thought. i told him how every morning i dragged my feet to the office for the sake of money and i'm fed up because i've lost my passion somewhere and even totally forgotten what my passion was. he said: "from the moment i read the details you wrote here in this form, i know that you're not suitable working here." he reminded me about the price increment of petrol. he also reminded me that the payment i'm getting currently is quite high and the job is not as hectic as the other design industries. i told him how i so much wanted to study fashion when i finished school but abah wasn't too keen on the lifestyle (walhal lifestyle graphic designer pun macam lebih kurang juga) that he said i should try computer graphic. so i skipped the skill test his colleague has prepared. by the time the interview session ended, it was already 6pm and apparently the place where we're supposed to get the cheap t-shirts closes around that time. kedai print sticker itu pun sama. dan dalam kepala aku, seperti biasa mula calculate benda-benda tidak berfaedah yang kemudiannya menemui kesimpulan bahawa: i'm good at nothing. i don't have talents, i don't attend to my current job, my love life is floating without directions and i'm not sure where my family stands in my life. the things that i need are currently driving me right now. driving dengan malas. aku kekurangan fulfillments on the things that i want so things got out of hands. masalah ini hanya pada aku sebab aku memang disorganized macam ini pun. dan terlalu banyak berfikir perkara yang tidak berfaedah. i broke down and cried in front of john.j. merepek kan? mampus lah. bukannya teresak-esak pun. aku rasa semua pun tidak menjadi. pulang ke rumah, mak wanted me to come along to two weddings this weekend. bad timing pasal sekarang pemikiran aku terlalu pessimistic, i'm not in the mood to be pushed around and especially attending weddings. berjumpa orang-orang judgmental adalah perkara terakhir yang aku perlukan sekarang. ataupun tidak perlu langsung. anne, i'm sorry i snapped. mungkin hormon aku sedang bergelora.
esok, aku mahu pergi buat survey pasal dibayar rm100, kemudian hantar t-shirt ke mont kiara untuk di jual. kemudian aku mahu jumpa john.j because currently even if hati aku tidak tentu arah, akal aku kucar-kacir, whenever he's around, semua macam reda sedikit. dia macam ada banyak ion positif. aku amat perlukan yang itu. yang lain, nanti dulu. i'd like to have what i WANT, tomorrow.
1. send my car to the workshop
2. find plain t-shirts for second design printing
3. print stickers
4. attend an interview in PJ
5. get bus tickets for the island getaway
6. get mili's flight ticket for the other island getaway
sending my car to the workshop was a must because these past few days i've been hearing weird noises coming out from the engine compartment (paranoid kereta rosak based on the flat tyre experience). after an hour at the workshop, supposedly fetch john.j and head to the place where plain coloured shirts are cheaper than some other places. instead he had to work on some artwork for al so we decided to meet up after my interview session at 2.30pm. so i went home, had lunch dan seperti biasa selepas makan, angin malas datang menghinggap. terusan aku lewat 30minit ke tempat temu duga. tidak mengapa sebab aku macam pandai bagi alasan yang bernas. it's the same post as i'm holding right now at the current company cuma kerjanya lain sedikit. the company is about making greeting cards for big corporate companies. the cards shown to me was beautiful. memang undeniably cantik versi korporat. di luar waktu itu, hujan lebat. and the interview suddenly changed into a one-on-one motivational talk. so the interviewer thought. i told him how every morning i dragged my feet to the office for the sake of money and i'm fed up because i've lost my passion somewhere and even totally forgotten what my passion was. he said: "from the moment i read the details you wrote here in this form, i know that you're not suitable working here." he reminded me about the price increment of petrol. he also reminded me that the payment i'm getting currently is quite high and the job is not as hectic as the other design industries. i told him how i so much wanted to study fashion when i finished school but abah wasn't too keen on the lifestyle (walhal lifestyle graphic designer pun macam lebih kurang juga) that he said i should try computer graphic. so i skipped the skill test his colleague has prepared. by the time the interview session ended, it was already 6pm and apparently the place where we're supposed to get the cheap t-shirts closes around that time. kedai print sticker itu pun sama. dan dalam kepala aku, seperti biasa mula calculate benda-benda tidak berfaedah yang kemudiannya menemui kesimpulan bahawa: i'm good at nothing. i don't have talents, i don't attend to my current job, my love life is floating without directions and i'm not sure where my family stands in my life. the things that i need are currently driving me right now. driving dengan malas. aku kekurangan fulfillments on the things that i want so things got out of hands. masalah ini hanya pada aku sebab aku memang disorganized macam ini pun. dan terlalu banyak berfikir perkara yang tidak berfaedah. i broke down and cried in front of john.j. merepek kan? mampus lah. bukannya teresak-esak pun. aku rasa semua pun tidak menjadi. pulang ke rumah, mak wanted me to come along to two weddings this weekend. bad timing pasal sekarang pemikiran aku terlalu pessimistic, i'm not in the mood to be pushed around and especially attending weddings. berjumpa orang-orang judgmental adalah perkara terakhir yang aku perlukan sekarang. ataupun tidak perlu langsung. anne, i'm sorry i snapped. mungkin hormon aku sedang bergelora.
esok, aku mahu pergi buat survey pasal dibayar rm100, kemudian hantar t-shirt ke mont kiara untuk di jual. kemudian aku mahu jumpa john.j because currently even if hati aku tidak tentu arah, akal aku kucar-kacir, whenever he's around, semua macam reda sedikit. dia macam ada banyak ion positif. aku amat perlukan yang itu. yang lain, nanti dulu. i'd like to have what i WANT, tomorrow.
Rabu, Jun 4
bila minyak kelapa sawit mahu direvolusikan?
have you heard the news? about the price of petrol rising up to RM2.70 per liter? man, aku baru saja fikir mahu berhenti kerja and volunteer at that science centre again but i guess i couldn't afford living like that. hmmm...but since i'll be going for an island getaway next weekend, i should act rajin over there, mingle around with the beach boys so maybe i can get myself a job there. no need petrol for car. saving di situ. tapi macam mana pula kesnya kalau aku lembab berenang? haha. i don't even know how to swim. menyelam saja aku reti. tsk. i guess i have to brush the idea of working on the island off. tsk. tsk.
meaning: i'm gonna be stuck here in this fucken cold office until God knows when.
sakitnya hati!!!
BENCI!!!
*breaks down and cry
meaning: i'm gonna be stuck here in this fucken cold office until God knows when.
sakitnya hati!!!
BENCI!!!
*breaks down and cry
Selasa, Jun 3
mahu
kadang-kadang aku mahu menyandar
di atas bumi, di kalangan lalang-lalang
di belakang rumah mu
aku sampaikan isyarat angin
buat kamu mendongak menonton
awan berarak
dan senyum bak bidadari
dalam tidur ku
kadang-kadang terasa enak
lalang di lidah
tatkala aku dan angan-angan terapung
tangan aku erat dalam tangan kamu
terasa arus positif
dan yang negatif terusan lenyap
dan mungkin juga selalu
aku
mahu
kamu
-fzk-
di belakang rumah mu
aku sampaikan isyarat angin
buat kamu mendongak menonton
awan berarak
dan senyum bak bidadari
dalam tidur ku
kadang-kadang terasa enak
lalang di lidah
tatkala aku dan angan-angan terapung
tangan aku erat dalam tangan kamu
terasa arus positif
dan yang negatif terusan lenyap
dan mungkin juga selaluaku
mahu
kamu
-fzk-
Isnin, Jun 2
a man's junk is another man's treasure
it's monday and i'm very, very tired from the weekend. didn't get too much sleep because i was involved in the 2-day weekend event where people who likes to sell stuff (new/used) gather around and dance by the pool. okay. aku rasa lebih kepada mengkritik para hadirin. itu yang aku dengar dari perbualan mereka dan aku sendiri terpaksa join in the fun. malang untuk john.j, tiada mangsa swimming pool pada hari itu so elle's boyfriend doesn't get to buy him a teh tarik. lain kali kamu terjun sendiri ya, john.j. tidak perlu tunggu orang lain. hehe. sabtu malam, i wanted to check out the wild beastly party in the city but i reckon that i'll be very tired the next day (memang aku pulang dan terus pengsan until the next day pun). lola must be very pissed with me because i get the stall very disorganized. tapi aku rasa feel pasar karat kan best. betul cakap elle, the joy of seeing people dig, dig, dig into the beautiful junks we brought, macam best. when i got to know that one of the famous fashion bloggers joining the market, i freaked out. dan bilamasa lola berpesanan ringkas 'her stall is next to ours', rasa macam mahu putus asa dan pulang ke rumah, langsung tidur the whole day. tapi malangnya aku tidak mahu menghampakan teman-teman tersayang jadi perjuangan harus diteruskan. "sebenarnya perasaan takut pada competitor bukan hanya ada pada kita, pada mereka juga ada." john.j was being very supportive and i felt good later that day AND also the next day. tapi seperti biasa ada kunci automatik di mulut ini jadi aku ini semacam sombong, mungkin. but i'm actually very shy, you know. that was my first time joining an event like that and like i've said a zillion times before, i just don't know the right steps to mingle. ugh. pathetic, i know. keuntungan yang aku dapat for a first-timer: not bad. the sales for both days covered the rent for the stall and the rack. dan sedikit duit lebih untuk beli rokok. hehe. i'm really happy that my friends came to support and yes, john.j, you made my day, both saturday & sunday. you know that i'm really lucky to be having you around, right? :)
but please break my heart now. i'm so scared that i'll be deep and passionate with you and somehow, that particular beautiful moment, you're going to break my heart. well, unintentionally. ada satu macam perasaan risau yang sangat kuat. where are we heading now, john.j? aku takut. kamu tahu aku paling takut dengan kehilangan, kan?
but please break my heart now. i'm so scared that i'll be deep and passionate with you and somehow, that particular beautiful moment, you're going to break my heart. well, unintentionally. ada satu macam perasaan risau yang sangat kuat. where are we heading now, john.j? aku takut. kamu tahu aku paling takut dengan kehilangan, kan?
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