but don't pressure me

last weekend i watched 500 Days of Summer for the second time at Anne's place. waktu pertama kali menonton that movie, i fell in love with her character. tapi bila aku tonton untuk kali keduanya, i didn't find it interesting anymore. tidak macam The Science of Sleep where i can watch it over and over again. Anne wasn't very impressed with the movie though. said something about how the director suap bulat-bulat apa yang audience mahu. well, ada truth in her opinion. anyway, so i wanted to be like Summer, carefree and innocent bitch like that. because i'm vulnerable dan selalu rasa macam dipergunakan. tapi sebenarnya, after watching it at Anne's place, i realized, aku sudah ada 80% of Summer's character. quite cold and ignorant. well, in the movie it seems that the word 'vulnerable' doesn't exist in her life dictionary but the movie is all about Tom's perspective. so probably, of course, Summer does have her own vulnerable moments (for God's sake, it's just a movie). iya lah. mungkin selepas Summer berkahwin, dia bercerai dan datang mencari Tom semula. okay. itu movie lain.

the crap that i'm trying to make a point out of is that, hey, sebenarnya aku pun boleh tahan cold dan slightly carefree. of the things i've experienced, buat aku jadi cold, ignorant dan selfish. tapi bukanlah keseluruhan. just to some people yang seeking confirmation. sort of. sekarang aku macam bangga konon aku tidak begitu vulnerable. but i'm ready to laugh at myself in the future nanti pasal aku tukar fikiran macam tukar baju.

sorry pada yang rasa aku perangai macam sial. i couldn't help it. layan texting sudah. tidak perlu ajak aku lepak pasal aku malas mahu act nice. kalau text, i can just daze off somewhere.

kids

i hope, my sons and daughters will let me teach them about the world, nonetheless, in the future because obviously at that time, the world will be another planet to me. like how ours is different from our parents' time. i hope they're gonna give me the chance to say out my opinion too even when they know things are way different.

keep myself riding on this train

warna jingga, ungu dan kelabu.

aku sendiri tidak faham kenapa aku mahu sedih sedangkan this is what i wanted in the first place. terasa bodoh lalu aku menangis. but at the same time laughing at myself for being so fucken funny.

pathetic. oh so pathetic.

buat apa mahu sedih kalau kau tahu dia yang sebegitu rupa, not worth a shit pun. but it's the whole thing. the whole 'i will never be' thing. i didn't want it to be an item tapi aku sedih.

pasal in the end, bukan aku yang dipilih. you know? the 'never will be' person.

am i THAT bad? what? cheap slut? sampah sarap? you've finally realized that, huh? good then.



dan Tuhan. oh Tuhan. He's one funny guy full of sarcasm. itu pasal aku sayang Dia.