it's just a typical new year

another three days to new year and i still don't have resolutions. not even one. well, does it matter? because it's always the same every year and nothing ever changes. we list them but forgot about it later after all the parties & fireworks & kisses & drugs & alcohols & what is, what not. actually, i gave up on listing new year's resolution long time ago. heh.

happy new year, anyway.

slowly moving to a new phase

i was humming to some tune as i headed towards the sink.
"kenapa kau macam happy hari ni?" asked seed.
i was dangling my new earrings which made 'klink!klink!' sound, an early birthday gift from isaa and kobe sparked me:
(2:32 PM) lembu expensive: wei..tahniah..anda adalah org yg paling gembira hari ini di pejabat
(2:32 PM) lembu expensive: :D

i guess i woke up on the right side of bed this morning despite the terrible news i received from mili last night. one of her close friends passed away and she didn't get to attend the funeral because she forgot to forward her new number to some of her other close friends. her friend who passed away because of asthma was 'heart's friend's ex-girlfriend and i knew her too. mili & i addressed her as the girl who always gets her way. i wonder what would all the people around her who didn't treat her that nice feels now...al-fatihah.
evening yesterday, lavid, nata & i had a look around at our new apartment. a 15mins drive to work with jusco across the road and the durjana city not too far away, the place's just perfect: swimming pool, gym, sauna, grocery shop, laundry, barber shop, tailor, parking space & very tight security. semua sekali: RM650. the house's cute, the living hall's pink & three different colours for the three rooms. sepantas kilat i ran for a room that views the swimming pool and far across the road. sorry lavid. i'm really excited about moving in to a new place. but...on my birthday next week i'll be having a job interview at lorong tempinis kanan, which is two tolls from the new apartment. i really don't know which should i cross my fingers to. anyway, we're getting the key to the house tonight. it's a big relief for me since i have to get out of the current house by end of this month. owh. so much happenings on my birthday this year. :)

and despite the marah-marah, geram-geram, sedih-sedih, tawar-tawar towards 'heart, i kind of miss him.

rasa macam nak marah saja

i think my temper went for a holiday. & when the holiday season have arrived for me, the sweet little temper came home forcing a hug on me, last night. & always, the temper victim will be at the wrong place with the wrong time: 'heart. after an anime, i had a light sleep while waiting for him. we were supposed to spend some quality time before he flew off to bali, just this morning. he arrived and asked if i were to come along to his family's house so that he can leave his car there instead of at the unguarded parking spaces below my apartment. my angin amarah started off when his mom asked, "abah sakit apa?". i don't know what happened, but that question turned on some unwanted buttons. dangerous buttons not to be touched by anyone or it'll give the people around me some good wounds. i was very sensitive about the recent agenda. i hated all the questions. everytime it popped, i didn't know whether i should spill the beans or just say, "he's fine. sakit tua saja." i know some of them honestly wanted to show their concern but i couldn't accept it. i'm sorry. last night when my temper was lingering around me, 'heart suddenly blurted "kita dah call dia." in a conversation we had. wait. wait. since when did we use that word to bahasakan diri masing-masing? when he was with aerial, he blurted "saya" somewhere in his text message. this is just a small matter right? like, what's wrong with using those words. well, isn't it obvious that meant only one thing? that he's been having conversations with someone (that have the ability to fucken tick me off) using those "awak" "saya" "kita" terms. & what more, i fucken know this fucken girl who in the first place was all about "you should get back with your girlfriend" but the next minute "kalau awak datang sini ada sikit selera makan kita." ugh. & mili did not help the situation today by being there at 1st home when i was supposed to pick her up at 2nd home & heads towards seremban. oh yeah. i'm having a fantastic day off today. rasa nak marah, marah, marah saja. seriously, like all of you people around me, i fucken hate my own temper. if only i know how to get rid of it.

curiosity killed the cat

but in my case, curiosity got me into deep deep shit.

rumah di jalan pantai, tanjung bidara

rumah, which in my point of view, sesuai untuk menulis. where abah would rather be hanging out rather than the city where everything's fast but sometimes too slow. where the sound of the angry waves wakes you up from your slumber in the middle of the night & makes you wonder if tomorrow never comes. where in the end, peace is all that you will get from the hard-blowing wind of the south china sea.

the passerby view.

wakaf minum kopi, hisap rokok.

from the master bedroom.

laut yang sentiasa mengaum, mengugut untuk ke darat.

a figure of speech

there was this one friday night at the usual club, al said to me: "if you decided to sleep with someone else, choose somebody from out of this durjana city." ha ha. what type of an advice is that? obviously, he was pissed at some ex who decided to fall for a very close friend of his. i pitied him, of course. i know the situation. what happened to me wasn't as close as that of a friend, but close. this durjana city is small. very small. everyone seems to know everyone. "owh. dia ni budak kolej aku." or "dia ni ex-girlfriend kawan aku." or yang paling best "dia ni bukan adik artis terkenal tanahair ke?" macam-macam. as al advised me, the image of boatman came rushing to my head. he wasn't good looking but he was cool as he rowed the shikara. i wonder what went wrong because his emails are currently major turn-offs. then, on that same night i met a guy who's a friend of a friend. we've met before at the audition anne & i went. that night speed came up to me & said hi. we hung out, he got drunk & was blabbering about the dj who refused to spin his request. he was cute. apparently, he's a friend of SDN's blogger. i remember reading his name somewhere in the blog & when i asked him whether he knew SDN guy, he said, "do you want to talk to him?i can call him for you." i refused his offer because yes, i get turned on by reading his blog but that's all. since then, vans & i have been changing ideas through text messages on the phone. he kills my boredom. there's nothing really interesting about texting 'heart at the moment because i found out he's been doing something that he accused me of doing before. i've realized that nothing's ever gonna change. not in the near future. so i hugged elm, who's my personal healer, which made me feel good. van, in the other hand, is my revenge towards 'heart. sad but true. weirdly, i didn't blew out on him as i got to know about his current late night conversation with a girl. he used to say, "itu hal peribadi i." well, guess what? it turns out that i too, have a hal peribadi of my own. 'heart said before any arguments, fights or any misunderstandings happen, let's get married. i replied, "what makes you think by marriage, shits won't happen?" last night, i told him i got tired of saying the same thing over and over again that i feel numb now. sometimes, as i say out the three loving words, i couldn't feel anything. just a figure of speech. i don't have the feel of longing for his touch, missing him like the desert miss the rain, bagai si pungguk rindukan bulan. i don't even have the feeling of sharing everything with him anymore, i'd rather have my friends listen to my emotions instead.

another weekend, the same agony

that friday night was the best. all of my favourite friends were there. & i said to elm:
"you're so adorable, can i hug you?"
"sure." & i went home smiling, satisfied. at last. andre's gonna be so fucken jealous, i reckon. the next morning, as elle entered the bathroom, she was annoyed out of her mind because i wrote elm's name on the mirror. that's how i say good morning at home. ha ha. but as usual, after the happy moment, came the fearful one. early sunday morning, we sent mak to the airport for her perth trip while abah was at home, with cancer & fever. as we arrived at his house, he was in agony. we had to rush him to a government hospital, 30mins away. it was at the hospital that things got worse. he was crying in pain. & government service here is very slow. abah was bleeding, something that should not have happened. he said it must've been an infection. mili & i took turns to take care of him. along, he kept missing in action. as the eldest son, he was irresponsible. i don't know whether his bad attitude have anything to do with his girlfriend. ooppss. did i just point a finger? hunh. that particular morning, he was already at abah's house & he could've taken him himself but no. instead, he called us, asked where's azuki's food & even ordered mcdonald's breakfast. so we thought everything was fine when it was actually a critical situation. i'm not badmouthing my own brother but mili & i was really furious. he was weirdly irresponsible of the situation. everything would be passed to us. if abah's sickness is something of the norm, we wouldn't mind. but he's having prostate cancer lah , along. i can't even touch his medicine. when abah was crying in pain, i nearly flooded my eyes because i was helpless, i didn't know what to do. the man who i've always looked up to, the strong wise man, was helpless & i couldn't do anything about it. the feeling was shit.

passion is what i'm missing

it's friday again. which made my heart skipped a beat. but i got to know a sad news from a friend. anne. today, as decided by the management, is anne's last day in the office. the respond she gets when she turned down their offer. cruel. and what more? to be accused of stealing the company's x-files. x-files lah sangat. eh. tak pernah dengar kisah mulut si pembinasa ke? mulut kami terror lah. dan kau pun perlu tahu. tukang-tukang kipas kau tu pun, mulut lagi hebat dari mulut neraka. you know, i hate politics. especially the ones in the office. kadang-kadang rasa macam nak carik-carik saja masing-masing yang tangannya bersalut lumpur keji tu. hmph. but, always in every aspect of life, there's the pros & cons. anne, who live to live her passion will get to where she wants to be by not being here in the same office as iam right now. she will achieve all those dreams she had in her slumber or in the daylight because she have that certain charisma that some of us doesn't have. ha ha. like me. miss playsafe duduk atas pagar. it's been two years and some months that i've been here, attending to unscheduled workloads. though at the meantime i was browsing for new job vacancies, for some deliciously new experience, i kept rethinking about my decision. kerja ni adalah kerja grafik paling relaks di dunia. kau tak perlu risau pasal overtime. kau boleh datang buat kerja bila kau nak, dan bila tak mahu, tak mahu lah. but of course, with limits. tapi dalam masa yang sama, aku impikan sesuatu yang luar biasa. i remember when i used to walk from sogo to my college, aku selalu perhatikan sungai gombak/klang yang penuh dengan bendasing terapung-apung dibawa arus. i thought, wouldn't it be great if one day, as i walk by, i discover a dead body floating on the river? then my face will be on papers as the one who discovered it. but the most interesting thing that had ever floated on the river hanyalah sebuah kerusi pejabat, exactly like the one that i'm sitting on right now. pathetic kan aku ni? terlalu banyak berangan, kadang-kadang aku sendiri sesat. confused which one was just a daydream and which one's the real thing. if i was a guy, mat jenin would've been a suitable name for me. but instead i'm this supersexy cool girl with the biggest breast ever (hmm...wonder if lelakiminimalist would be interested in me) plus the most alluring eyes for you to drool on. owh. aku berangan lagi. hmm..but, i haven't given up on my job hunting yet. as for you my dear dear anne, i wish you good luck and will always pray for your well beings. pastu jangan tak reti pulak nak pray for me, eh? i love you to the bones because that's all you have. okay. and that big ass of yours. uhuh. uhuh.

what good is everything

now tell me.

what good is a relationship if revenge is always there and competing with each other is what you do best? to be repeating this question to myself, aku berasa sayu. this is a reality that's happening to me, currently.

and what good is a relationship, what good is love when you don't even have the slightest trust for your partner?

a foreign email

"hi how i u i miss so and so much in kashmir i dont no happen is going with me when i saw to u evening time when u came to the boat house then i saw to u and i was going crazy then i take ity to u morning time shikara ride and i was so happy and when u gone to back to delhi i was lonely here say me what happen is going with me and i say to u send me u r pic which u having a lone pic i really miss to u like a desert miss the rain and i will send to u verty soon saries u r boatman."

gila. like the desert miss the rain. owh the things i got myself into.

don't be too happy or else

friday night. friday night. i think from this blog, it seems that, to all of you, all that matters in my life is my friday nights. apparently my joy division's only active on that particular night. well, currently. i was really hype about last friday night. it felt like it has been a while since i went out (when it was just a week). attentions were all over me like those young annoying drunkards around the club. i was enjoying myself plus the songs were all good and my favourite friends were there too except for anne who had to travel up north. but elle's face didn't show so much joy. i was sorry for her because she didn't get to really enjoy the night away. when we went for the after drink, i was amazed at myself on how i really enjoyed the night (notice the repetition of the word 'enjoy'?) that i reminded to stop myself from feeling happy. i'm that superstitious to believe that if you suddenly feel happy, there''ll be something bad waiting in line just to blow your bubbles.

10am saturday, along called. "abah is hospitalized in dungun."

terus rasa takut menyelubungi diri. the fear that i have always thought of came true. the first hint on losing a loved one. apparently, on the same morning, condolences goes to my cousin who lost his first newborn. i called abah.
"how are you?"
"i'm okay. why worry about me?"
and i had to cry.
of course i have to worry about you, abah. you're my abah. you used to worry about me because i'm your daughter & i know you are worried still. the disease that attacked him was something that i thought would never happen in my family due to our health history. cancer. a cancer that from studies, not very common among asian men. when we brought him back to the city, he refused any visits from friends. in the first place, he wouldn't even want to talk about it. something that's been running in me, keeping health problems just to myself. but mili is very good at handling things like these since she's closer to abah than me. i am most likely to cry over tiny things rather than her. if only mak & abah are still together, maybe it'll be easier for him to be taken care of. instead, mak is flying off to perth & will only be back on january 2nd. i wonder if there is still love between the two of them...

no problem india

as we safely landed yesterday in sweet home malaysia, i instantly text-ed the close people around me. along called and asked, "so, how was india?".

"a lot of delays, waiting & curries." he just had to laugh to it.

new delhi

as we stepped out from the indira gandhi international airport, the air that filled the atmosphere of new delhi was dusty. trees along the roads were all covered in sand, like as if they were snowed. men pissed by the roadside, ignoring the busy crowd with their own businesses. india, as we know it, is one of the country with the highest population: 321 883. there were families living in tents, cows hanging-out, cars as close as an inch to each other. we were supposed to fly out to kashmir on the 29th but the flight was delayed then canceled. from that incident, our itinerary was all mixed up. to get over our frustrations, we headed towards agra where the beautiful magnificent taj mahal, symbol of love stands, waiting for its worshippers.

the taj mahal

red fort
the balcony of the palace where shah jahan was prisoned by his son because he wanted to build another similar taj mahal with black marbles.

their love story caught my heart instantly when the guide told us about it. if only they'd make it into a movie. the next day we headed back to delhi for our second chance of kashmir since it was the main purpose we joined this trip. the flight was delayed, but we managed to land in sri nagar's airport. you can imagine the glee on each of our faces. bad too bad, some of the plans they planned for us in kashmir had to be canceled due to the limited time.

sri nagar, kashmir

we didn't get to shop that much because the guide kept driving us to the tourist centre: where everything's expensive. we didn't get to go to the local market because of the delays & such. and owh. some selfish makciks did go to some market but didn't inform the whole troop. i was really pissed. & we didn't get to go to koral bagh, the A-Z market in delhi. why do i have the feeling that somehow india wants us back again?

animals along the way
masyarakat majmuk di india