don't be too happy or else

friday night. friday night. i think from this blog, it seems that, to all of you, all that matters in my life is my friday nights. apparently my joy division's only active on that particular night. well, currently. i was really hype about last friday night. it felt like it has been a while since i went out (when it was just a week). attentions were all over me like those young annoying drunkards around the club. i was enjoying myself plus the songs were all good and my favourite friends were there too except for anne who had to travel up north. but elle's face didn't show so much joy. i was sorry for her because she didn't get to really enjoy the night away. when we went for the after drink, i was amazed at myself on how i really enjoyed the night (notice the repetition of the word 'enjoy'?) that i reminded to stop myself from feeling happy. i'm that superstitious to believe that if you suddenly feel happy, there''ll be something bad waiting in line just to blow your bubbles.

10am saturday, along called. "abah is hospitalized in dungun."

terus rasa takut menyelubungi diri. the fear that i have always thought of came true. the first hint on losing a loved one. apparently, on the same morning, condolences goes to my cousin who lost his first newborn. i called abah.
"how are you?"
"i'm okay. why worry about me?"
and i had to cry.
of course i have to worry about you, abah. you're my abah. you used to worry about me because i'm your daughter & i know you are worried still. the disease that attacked him was something that i thought would never happen in my family due to our health history. cancer. a cancer that from studies, not very common among asian men. when we brought him back to the city, he refused any visits from friends. in the first place, he wouldn't even want to talk about it. something that's been running in me, keeping health problems just to myself. but mili is very good at handling things like these since she's closer to abah than me. i am most likely to cry over tiny things rather than her. if only mak & abah are still together, maybe it'll be easier for him to be taken care of. instead, mak is flying off to perth & will only be back on january 2nd. i wonder if there is still love between the two of them...