wildest dream. so far

last night, i had the wildest, most weird dream ever. well, so far. yesterday i had dinner at my mom' place: ikan patin masak tempoyak. mak's really good at cooking. duh. who doesn't like their mom's cooking anyway. so the dream started with me hanging out at a kampung kitchen with all my aunts kecoh-kecoh gosip sesama sendiri. i was sitting next to someone at the stairs, listening to their updates when mak teh suddenly asked a question to the person next to me. it was john. and the question that she asked made us kind of blush and i pulled him away from the situation. we went to the living room (it was a kampung house but unfamiliar to me) and my other cousins were there, watching t.v. then i woke up. i brought john to my kampung? haha. mungkin penangan masak tempoyak.
in the next dream-scene, i was standing naked somewhere and then i had an intercourse with a gay. i didn't look up to his face at first but when i did so, BOY. it was kas-kas. seorang gay yang cantik kalau jadi perempuan, sangat handsome kalau jadi lelaki tulen. he had always grab my attention. sigh. weirdly, it was kind of a full-force thing we did. then i woke up. i've never had a full session of an intercourse in a dream. sekali dengan gay daa... lastnight, before the sleep, i went and meet john and his friend and i remember talking about him being a gay (john). when we were driving back to their workplace, there was this transvestite waiting by the road and his thigh awed john. weird fetish that we just had to laugh and tease about.

but i did wash my feet before i go to bed lastnight. i wonder what went wrong.

i'd live in a movie

i've always thought that life is a movie itself. the world as the big stage, the things around (buildings, trees) as the backdrops, the living things as the actors. every each of us have their own story to act or to narrate about. so when i was asked:

"do you take this life as a movie?" i nodded.

then he continued telling me about a friend who directs short films who disagree to that. filem lain, hidup kita lain. and being me, who can't be knock even the slightest bit, i re-think about it. plus, i came across saharil's thoughts which add up to the new suggestion. "dalam realiti, tidak ada the end" conteng si saharil. lastnight i watched Amélie, directed by Jean-Pierre Jeunet, one of nata's favourite movies. now it's one of my favourite movies too. amélie grew up without any other siblings, with not much friends around her. she's quite a bizarre creature really, in my point of view. well, she's a dreamer and i happen to love dreamers (no point telling why). the movie went with amélie growing up, a waitress at a cafe in the city, live alone but finds the joy of making other sad people happy. okay. cerita cinta pun ada. scene yang hujung-hujung aku paling suka, how she met with the guy that she love, kissed the upper side of his lips, his neck then up on his eye. and also the scene where they rode on his scooter-bike. and the credits for the movie came up. dalam hati aku cakap "awal yang indah". so, the short-film director guy is kind of right. filem lain, hidup kita lain. you know? kadang-kadang bila aku menonton filem cinta yang best, aku selalu terfikir and wonder, what actually happens after the sweet ending of the movie. yes, they met the one they love. but what happens after that? maybe they only managed to be with each other for only a week. who knows. haha. yes. i am a hopeless romantic. maybe i am that kind of a person who would do unreasonable stuff if i were to be really brokenhearted. sama juga dangan filem yang berkisarkan tentang kehidupan. hmm...tak dapat nak letakkan contoh sebab filem-filem genre begitu bukan antara favourites. life is not as easy as the ones you watch on screen. real life perlu banyak main kotor juga. you get the idea right?

even if i still think that life is a movie itself, the other half of me sedang pegang tangan that short-film director.

unheard of

Artist: Sporohalobacter (a genus of anaerobic bacteria)
Album: Waste your time voting (Charles Bukowski)
Sounds like: very dark minimal

Artist: Penaeidae (a family of prawns)
Album: To this I bow (Ambrose Bierce)
Sounds like: ambience + trip hop

aah. seronok. refer here. and here.

my imaginary friend

istilah gila bayang, to me, bermaksud bila kamu create an imaginary friend of your own. okay. pada umur 24 ini, itu adalah gila. but it helps. i'm feeling dejavu. somehow i've felt this somewhere in the years i've lived. bukan imaginary friend pasal itu aku selalu alami. ini. situasi ini di mana cuba menjauhi sesuatu. stopping myself from falling slowly and of course, later crash. bila sudah crash, menyusahkan surroundings dengan bebelan hampa. tak mungkin aku gila pasal aku sendiri yang mengakui kegilaan ini, bukan? yes. my imaginary friend does have a name. but i'm not telling. everytime he walks next to me, he leaves an array of colours behind him. dia macam hantu. sometimes he grabs my hand, seeping some colours through. sometimes when we were having mute conversations, he'll make a sarcastic face and tease me of my own words. he always have this tie-dye shirt on, smelling very daisy-like. i asked him to put on some other coloured shirt tapi dia hanya buat pekak. kadang-kadang, bila aku dikelilingi crowd, i tend to miss having him around. one night he told me that he can't be hanging around too long dan aku terus jadi sayu. aku kata "kamu kan imaginary friend aku. kamu milik aku. dalam dunia fantasi aku sendiri. kenapa perlu jadi milik orang lain?" dan dengan perlahan dia akan menggelengkan kepala. sweetheart, i don't want to grow up. i want to have you there next to me forever. i refuse for other people to see your existence. i forbid. and he held my hand seerat-erat yang mungkin.

jadi, kalau kamu terpandang aku yang tersenyum sendirian, jangan ditegur. buat saja macam kamu tak nampak apa-apa yang aneh berlaku.

jatuh untuk bangkit

Aku rasa aku perlu betul-betul jatuh untuk bangkit semula. i have too much of everything. well, maybe not everything but i guess the world have its ways to save my ass. currently, ada macam suatu perasaan tak puas hati linger around me. terlalu banyak ion negatif distracting my focus from the real important stuff. aah. honestly, it's been a while since i've had an intimate conversation with Him. He who will always be around whether you're happy or sad or about to commit suicide. hati aku ini macam sudah hitam dari tar cigarettes dan mula beku dengan konkrit. i think i've been too cruel and selfish towards 'heart. pada aku, balas dendam adalah sesuatu yang sangat teruk dan kejam. masih ada lagi suara kecil yang berkata "sudah lah. dendam itu boleh dielakkan." maybe 'heart was right. aku terlalu mengikut perasaan. terlalu memperlekehkan fungsi otak. am i addicted to the drama? all the things that scares me the most, stupid things i think i could avoid doing, sudah datang berguling ke arah aku. conversations with 'heart will always ended up in harsh, cold words. and i will regret of hurting him that way. but i'll do it again the next day. i should've just leave him alone. there's no point in building us anymore. aku sememangnya sudah putus asa. little did everyone know, i was hoping he wouldn't give up on us. but he already did when he sniffed a little of my feelings towards john. i actually told him that it has been quite sometime i'm happy like this. how heartless is that? close friends said that the time for me to be selfish have finally come. one minute i'm with them, the next minute my feelings are all mixed up. breaking up, not to be together with 'heart is a big deal. but i'm not sure whether it's because of love or just a responsibility. atau pun sudah biasa. i have to admit, i don't easily fit into new surroundings. that's why most of my friends are a friend of a close friend. i think it's a hassle to be trying to fit in a new surrounding. keeping things to myself, just doing the daily routine will keep me safe in my track. yeah. i'm such a bore to be hanging out with. the truth is, i had always been jealous of 'heart, how people are so easily attracted to him, how it's easy for him to fit in new surroundings. tapi ada satu perkara yang buat aku winced whenever i thought about it. how he treats these girl friends so that he can get jobs from them. macam mempergunakan lah. owh. i don't know. mungkin aku memang yang jenis lurus sedikit, tak tahu-menahu bermain politik kerja. but whatever happens, i'm always there to support him in his career. terlalu banyak yang kami lalui, i was there to see him become the photographer he is today.
and me? i should just stay here, lupakan passion, kumpul duit dan mungkin satu hari nanti aku akan fly to amsterdam for its legal stuff. yes. i should set amsterdam as my goal. PERLU sampai ke sana sebelum berumur 30. perlu juga cari lelaki jawa untuk dikahwini. saja. for the sake of my heritage.
semua kesimpulan ini datang dari surat penarikan kereta, re-new roadtax, passion yang perlu diketepikan (still thinking on how i can get it done) and an afternoon with mak at MAS travel fair. owh. but not the future javanese husband part. heh.

bunuh diri kejap lagi

what do you do when the person that you've been writing about found your writings?




pergi bunuh diri.




i don't express my emotions, feelings, openly. most of the time, aku simpan dalam-dalam di hujung lubuk hati. instead, i write about them. these writings posted on senandung konspirasi are the stuff hidden in the cemented bricks of my walls. kalau kamu pecahkannya, nescaya kamu akan ketemukan cebisan-cebisan perkataan-perkataan ini. some lucky colleagues of mine found this blog. "kau macam dalam dunia kau sendiri. macam alam lain." memanglah. pasal aku tak berminat sangat menulis pasal orang lain. i'm selfish and ignorant remember? and this IS a self-centered blog. that's why i was never in your politic shits. owh. excuse my language. well, i do get involved in my own self-politics but please, just leave me as i am. i'm fine like this. we are fine like this, right? i tried to write stuff in general but i just can't help myself from writing about emotions. dah sudah. jadi online diary pula. i'm really curious why the SDN blogger link his blog to mine. macam segan pun ada sebab blog aku terlalu self-centered, it's nauseating. hmm....maybe he thinks my blog's a joke. ah. assumption is the mother of all fuck-ups. ayat yang selalu aku ulang tapi masih juga went against it. but oh well, i'll write still. and i'm not planning to delete any entries or make this a private blog. leceh lah. i guess it's okay for that particular person to read what i think about him. or her.

this blog is as honest as i can be.

mimpi

kita hanyalah sebuah mimpi.

tapi mimpi ini akan sentiasa tergantung di hati mewarnai ruang putih
kerana kamu, pada aku
adalah warna-warna yang buat aku terbang
kamu, adalah suatu ciptaan unik
aku, suka akan warna-warna yang kamu calit
pada hati yang dahulunya hanya berwarna konkrit
kamu, will forever be my colours

this is what john painted, from his heart. whether it's honesty or just being plain romantic, i'm gonna eat it. it's okay. i like the feeling of being an inspiration to someone getting back on his feet. the five stars stands for m-i-m-p-i (dream). the painting consist of multiple layers (if you see closely, you can see some drawings beneath the green). he asked me to snap a favourite angle. i chose a star. without me noticing it, when zoomed in, there are two dots. he asked what it meant. i shrugged. "maybe us?"

but then again, we're only dreams to each other.

cotton candy and such

i go to clubs for the music and the familiar faces to smile at or to be laughing with. to be dancing weird moves to foreign language tunes. the vibe of the club has always been alluring. this is a secret: i like to kiss at clubs. it's like all the sounds around suddenly go mute and you're in your world of butterflies, fairies, rainbow, pots of gold and the smell of cotton candy in the air. it gets better when the person carved an invisible note on your back: i like you.

that giddy happy feeling on friday morning? it did stay until the next day.
there's always a first to everything. and the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th...

my current happy pictures

this was last year. i know it's gonna happen again this year. crossing my fingers.

where art thou, sex drive?

awal pagi jumaat, instead of staring at the ceiling, i blog-hop. to the familiars, arrived at the new ones. mondays. they're very depressing. but fridays. i couldn't wait to wake up this morning. woke up at 4:55am thinking it was already 7am. another hour, i woke up again, thinking it's already time to get dress for the day. i came to the office and found myself singing good morning to my colleagues, which surprised them because for the past week i was gloomy, depressed, not approachable. so this particularly wonderful morning (i hope it's gonna stay like this until the next morning) i came across tripfantastic and kinda made my day. i love checking out her pictures, they seemed to me all happy shiny people. thanks. i think i should post up happy pictures too. i will but i have to rummage around my picture files. don't worry, i'll come by your cute little cafe just to thank you on how you made my day :)
last night weren't full of whines. we had dinner, a light sleep then got up to have an intimate chat. 'heart and i avoided talking about our current situation. i know he tried hard. thanks for not ruining the night, 'heart. it's been quite some time since we had a decent conversation. love bonding. love bonding. love bonding. hmmm...where should i start? i don't know whether it's just me or i've lost my sex drive somewhere among my heaps of clothes (which i have to sort out and give out one of these days) or the feeling ain't mutual anymore? i thought, by having 'heart at home last night, maybe i can forget about my feelings towards john and we'll get back to our normal lives before. somebody should've whacked me in the head for this lame excuse. because all i can think of was john. c'mon people. this is NOT love, right? it's an obsession, right? because currently john is trying to avoid me (he told me so) because he's afraid of getting drown in this mimpi lucid of ours. that's the way life goes. you will somehow want stuff you can't have. john's driving me crazy. he's definitely gonna get it from me if i see him tonight at the usual friday hang-out club. GRRR...

and maybe after he gets it from me, we'll return to our bored lives. ouh. and thanks SDN blogger for the perhubungan platonik idea. i'm reconsidering that too.

perasaan itu sudah hilang

we've never celebrated valentine's. i totally forgot it's february the 14th today. if we're still together, still in love, today would be our 4th year anniversary. the usual dinner, the gift exchange and later the so called love bonding. but not this year, not today i guess. 'heart said he waited for me to call him up and wish him which i didn't because we've never celebrated valentine's and since we're on a time off, there's no reason why i should be calling him and excitedly say "happy 4th anniversary!". risau juga aku. have i become that heartless? memang aku ni dah terus tawar hati ke? yesterday i was on leave because the night before i had sushi and it didn't do good to my stomach (maybe plus the butterflies, no?), threw up twice and fever came to stay. i was at peace, just lying there in my bed. no whines from 'heart. i should've just stayed at home today but i forgot it's the 14th because i know there'll be a lot more of whines later today.
last tuesday night, i unbuilt a quarter of my walls and called john. asked if it was okay to see him the same night. he said "yeah" and continuously asked me to attend his upcoming exhibition. i told him of course i'll come. i'm excited for a friend.

"you have to come. it's for you." john tahu cara cairkan aku. biasalah. orang seni. and as we bid goodbye to each other, he kissed my hand, sending an electric shock through my spine. cerita kami macam movie kan? john dan aku adalah mimpi, artwork yang dia buat waktu awal perkenalan kami. artwork dari hati, kata john. perasaan ini (cinta ke?) is what i've been dreaming about. since i was a naive virgin and i'm still dreaming of it. alas, i'm feeling it. but again, isn't it all too fast? and what am i supposed to do with 'heart? right now, the only wise decision is for me to leave both and go home empty handed.

an sms to a friend: "yang dikejar tak dapat, yang dikendong doesn't make me happy."

i'm safe behind these walls

"ni point crush. yang ni point jatuh cinta. i'm in the middle of these two points now."

aku perhatikan gerak-geri jari telunjuk john atas meja makan yang hanya diterangi cahaya lilin. gerai makan yang comel di bahu padang bola, lilin di setiap meja. john kata romantik. orang seni memang macam ini ke, aku fikir. anne said: artistics are romantics. haha. siang hari yang sama, john lead me to taman tasik titiwangsa. so kepada kamu semua, hari minggu yang lalu, aku 'dating'. as dodgy as it sounds like: titiwangsa, candle lit dinner. nasib baik nothing happened among those bushes at titiwangsa. kidding..kidding.. john berper-watak-an aneh. mungkin orang seni memang macam ini, aku selalu fikir. aku dan dia, mempunyai perwatakan yang seakan-akan sama: arrogant, ignorant, selfish. funny. in the early stages he decided we should just be close friends. i said friends with secret desires. sumpah aku tak mengharapkan apa-apa. i was like this naive person who've never been in lust or love, had no idea what to expect from whatever's going on. i'm not sure myself if john actually thought that i was serious about getting involve with him. i'm having a time-off here. another relationship is of course the last thing i'd be considering about. is this right? the night before we went out together, we hung out and i brought anne along though somehow i know she's the last person i should bring to meet any guys that i like. she have this crazy idea of provoking them with straight forward questions. anne, nasib baik kau duduk jauh dari aku or your legs would get sore from continous kickings. she told them about me and my invisible walls to which i said: "hish. manade. manade." seperti biasa, in denial. but as john expressed his feelings yang jujur itu (mungkin jujur, mungkin he just wants the sex after anne brainwashed him about me being sexual in every aspects of life which of course, not true), aku mula ke belakang, belakang, belakang dan menyusun langkah laju meninggalkan john dengan perasaannya. aku hidupkan enjin kereta, cari kedai hardware dan beli seguni simen. pulang ke rumah, aku memulakan kerja biasa: simenkan batu-bata untuk dinding invisible aku. yang indah itu hanya sementara. aku rasa perasaan yang indah itu dalam tiga saat pertama waktu john berkongsi perasaannya dengan aku. rasa macam masa al hulurkan tuala kecil yang di-spray ubat bius kemudian aku inhale dalam-dalam. rasa macam beribu ball bearing melonjak-lonjak dalam badan. pagi isnin, aku masih cool with everything. john text me saying he got an exhibition at the city's art centre. then 'heart spark me up. i was lost in my own mimpi lucid, let the feelings geli-gelikan hati aku, aku terlupa masih ada sesuatu yang belum selesai. sebenarnya sudah selesai, tapi aku pun tak tahu apa yang membuatkannya masih tergantung, terkapai-kapai. 'heart said he needs to breath me to stay alive. so in the midst of happy flirtatious phone messages between john and i, suddenly i went:

"john, kita hanya friends with secret desires, right?"
"why?" john bagai terkedu. dan aku biarkan soalannya tergantung begitu sahaja.

sebab, macam mana kamu buat aku rasa bahagia, teruja, angau pun, i've decided yang kita sudah terlajak. purpose kita berkenalan adalah hanya untuk infatuasi. untuk aku bagi semangat pada kamu, untuk kamu buat aku rasa bahagia, butterflies in my stomach; suatu perasaan yang sudah lama aku tidak rasa. these guilty pleasures yang buat aku tersengih macam orang dungu sambil menggigit jari. falling for each other tidak ada dalam agenda hidup kita.
ok, john. nice knowing you. but i have to get back to my walls now.

a spotless mind

the truth is, i really love 'heart. from the bottom of my heart. this time off that we are having made me miss him. reminds me of those good things we used to have. it was all my fault from the beginning of the relationship. i'm not sure if i am what you call a keeper because i lack of the things a keeper needs. i was the one who made 'heart felt insecure and thus, he tried to soothe his insecurity. what i see from this relationship i had with him, things kept bouncing back. me to him, him to me and i wonder if it will ever stop. there must be something wrong with me that he had secret affairs, right? and there must be something wrong that he did which led me to stray away from the relationship. i am that person who are so lack of self-confidence that everyone else are much much perfect than me. i don't know how i can boost up my own self confidence. the reason i need this time off is because if ever we're going to start over again, we need to start fresh. i need to clear up my mind, my cold heart.

does anyone have dr. howard's number? the guy who have all the machines to erase unwanted memories in our head in 'eternal sunshine of a spotless mind'. but the movie itself made a point that even how hard we try to change or forget things, our destiny have already been written in the big book of life. destiny, will always be destiny. no point changing it.

morning after

dan lewat pagi ini
seperti hari-hari biasa yang lain
wangimu masih di sisi
bisikmu buat aku tersenyum
dan aku teringat akan semalam

lalu hari ini sangat asing
bukan yang sama aku lalui
hanya khayalmu yang tinggal
membuat aku tersentap sedu
lagu ini aku ulik buatmu

why do you have to leave
the reasons were impossible
love, come here to bed
come and belong to me

janji aku setulus hati
se-erat genggam tanganku
sedalam nama yang aku ukir
di lantai konkrit kamar ini
waktu kamu masih cinta kuat

why do you have to leave
come and belong to me again.

-f.z.k.-

i was browsing around my old blog account and came across this. bila baca balik, i thought, not bad. haha. well, it's up to you people to judge.

every sin leaves a mark

monday meeting, i was sitting across the boss and saw he had a silver chain around his neck. i thought maybe he's an undercover mafia and whether he have tattoos all over his body. and an image of Viggo Mortensen sitting on the couch with only his underpants on (fuh. berpeluh aku) came across my mind. ha ha. so elle, dana, jude & i watched Eastern Promises last night at the (how many stars, again?) mall. it was a good movie, good plot, with some funny dialogues and a scene where Viggo Mortensen lebih dari separuh bogel. he's hot, huh? you should check out Munich. a very good movie too.


on saturday, after a couple of years, i went out with a guy. we walked around the twin tower mall, talking, smoking and checkout some sneakers. john was very talkative. he likes to talk. he got beautiful eyes that i can't help thinking about kissing them. dan jambang yang buat aku gemuruh. but the date made us realize that we were just each other's infatuation. which was fine by me because of course, didn't it all went to fast? i told mill that by this week everything will get back to normal mode. and apparently john's ex-wife is my ex's girlfriend after me. the city is getting smaller day by day and i hate it. we had relationship conversations and john insisted on me getting back with 'heart. i was pissed because i think i had enough pressure from him and i don't think i need any addition from someone i'm curious to be kissing with. 'heart had been sending messages on death and such. dude, kita semua belum bersedia untuk mati. jangan dipermainkan soal mati. and now it's my fault right? MEMANG PUN. i'm fucken pissed with the situation that i feel like shutting myself up, alone in a secluded corner, somewhere where people don't know me. why can't he understand? i'm not fully healed yet. from the previous wounds. "weeping wounds that never heal" so sang Placebo. all i need is just some time off. that's all. janganlah terburu-buru. anyway, 'heart, i'm glad you know how it feels like to be really heart broken. been there, done that.

angin rerama

petang yang suram
aku berjalan
mengheret berat kaki
tapi tidak bertuju
langit yang kelabu
bak warna konkrit
membuahkan suatu perasaan

lalu hinggap seekor rerama
di bahu kiri
sayapnya hijau biru kuning
bergetar memberi petanda
sukar untuk aku fahami
persoalan yang tiada jawapan

hei misteri
angin apa ini
buat aku sejuk
buat aku terlalu ingin tahu
mengorek rahsia
tak keruan mencari penyelesaian

jantung ku berdebar
bak getaran sayap si rerama

misteri apa ini?
dan...


kenapa aku tersengih bodoh?

-f.z.k.-